31 weeks pregnant and drunken DP again

[NC2737381]

Posted here for traffic as I’m so annoyed..

Me and my DP have been together for 8 years and have DC1 on the way, I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant. I’m 27 and he’s 31. We both have good jobs, a mortgage etc but aren’t married yet (joint decision)

We were TTC to conceive for around a year before I fell pregnant. We were both over the moon. Since I’ve found out I’ve ovbs given up smoking, drinking and limit my caffeine intake etc. Before this we both used to enjoy going out with friends and drinking on weekends as our friendship circles merged years ago, I still attend some of these events but drive and tend to leave after an hour or so. I’ve suffered with HG throughout this pregnancy so already feel vulnerable as I’ve not been able to be as independent as I was and it’s effected work, my social life etc because I’ve been so poorly.

Since I’ve found out my DP has been out drinking every weekend particularly this month and over Christmas. He’s only once managed to come home at a sensible time and that is due to a taxi being booked at 12pm with his friends otherwise it would have cost him a fortune to come home as it was out of the area. Once. I’m awake now waiting for him to stagger in and literally so annoyed laid here. I’ve text and rang him and he’s drunkenly asked me to pick him up which quite frankly I’ve told him to fuck off. Now I’m not a control freak and encourage him to go out and meet up with friends etc however, AIBU for wanting him to come home at a sensible time? I.e when the pubs close? He’s at our friends house where everyone tends to go after a night out, I feel like I’ve massively matured as I can’t ever imagine myself falling into that cycle again and coming home at silly o’clock even if he was looking after DC. I worry he won’t have a problem as he’s still doing it now, it’s 5am fgs I dropped him off at 8pm.

I feel like he’s taking the complete piss out of me. I’ve told him so many times and it’s always the same response “I’ll stop drinking at the end of Feb” “I’ll stop smoking before Christmas/my birthday/Feb” it’s never I’m sorry for being an arsehole or at least telling you I’m staying out longer. Tonight he told he was having a few drinks and will be home at a reasonable time. I’m shocked he’s behaving like this as he’s been wanting children for years and it was me holding back until I had an established career and something I could go back to easily once my mat leave finished. Thankfully I have.!

I’m thinking of telling him bluntly that this is the end to this stupid teenage behaviour he’s pulling. I’m still happy for him to go out with friends but must be home by 1am at the latest? I feel like I’m being controlling but I’m at my wits end. What if something happened! I’m 31 weeks and worried something might happen. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant but I’m a raging, hormonal pregnant lady at the moment ready to explode - which I don’t want to. He’s definitely in the spare bedroom tonight and best thing he’s apparently got work tomorrow at 1pm

@ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser

No consultant thinks everything will be okay as I’m managing on medication (have been since around week 23) still sick occasionally but everything is ok. I do have a low placenta though so will be having a scan in 4 weeks to check if it’s moved as it could be a possible section which I’m naturally anxious about.

Yes every Saturday night, although last weekend was the first he’d not been out so that was nice actually just me and him. He’s convinced he’s going to able to give it up easily once I’m further along and after the LO is here I’m not so sure anymore (he knows I’m worried about going earlier as I say there is no indication of it other than Braxton Hicks but as it’s my first I am very nervous!) it’s not like I’ve had an easy pregnancy.

@PartridgeJoan I’m sorry you’re going through this too, i hope you don’t feel as alone! Let’s hope they pull their fingers out and prove us wrong eh?

Re: mat plans. I’ve got quite a good maternity package 24 weeks full pay, 12 weeks SMP and 12 weeks none. We’ve saved money each month for the SMP and no monies months as I’m taking a year and will try and save where I can when my LO is here. My DPs sister is a child minder so she will be taking my LO three times a week, my mum once a week and I’m condensing my 37 hours into 4 days. I appreciate we are lucky when it comes to childcare etc as I know nursery fees etc can be a fortune.

I don’t think he has a drinking problem, I think he just doesn’t know when to call it a night. I will keep an eye on this though as my LO doesn’t deserve a dad who behaves like this. I’ve already thought if his behaviour does continue or gets worse despite me having frank discussions etc with him, as much as I do love him I can’t allow this for my LO so I would consider leaving. Worse case scenario and I know it’s easy to say rather than do but hopefully it won’t come to that.

I appreciate the responses it’s nice to not feel crazy & not feel like an idiot in real life when my friends ask if he’s started coming home at normal time. He’s just came in he’s having a cigarette outside and don’t feel like I’m going to explode at him - so thank you. I’ll have a chat with him tomorrow and take pleasure doing this whilst he has a stinking hangover

YANBU. Going out and getting pissed am rolling in at 5am would be fine if it was a one off or occasionally but every weekend when you are stuck at home is taking the piss.

Does he think he's going to continue doing this when the baby's born too and leave you with all the hard work? I would make it clear now that's not going to happen!

I think it's the amount of times that is the problem, when I used to go out I'd always be out way later than even I wanted, good friends and alcohol would mean I'd be out all night and cursing myself the next day. Good luck with your chat

But there’s not being sensible and coming home at almost 7am in the morning. I’ve never stopped him going out, all I’ve asked is that he considers coming home abit earlier or let’s me know I.e a quick text to say I’m still out I’m okay as I do worry if he’s safe. I wouldn’t have heard from him at all if I didn’t ring him, that’s where I think this line of not being sensible is being crossed. If he had no responsibilities I’d completely agree but it’s been every Saturday night.

I have friends who tend to come round on an Sat evening or I’ll see family as they are local. I appreciate my hormones are hightend anyway so I’m going to be more sensitive

How's he planning on getting to work this afternoon? I hope he's not intending to drive....

Although I knew it was coming, the shock of how much my life changed once baby was here was incredible. He is in for a big shock! Maybe he’s just trying to make the most of his freedom? (Doesn’t make what he’s doing ok.)

When did he start going out every weekend or has it always been like this?

I think every weekend until god knows when is it out of order. IMO it's fine to go out but he's set a pattern now that I imagine will be hard to curtail when the baby does arrive. I'd be especially annoyed about losing a day to a hangover (it's not so bad when it's both of you!)

27 & 31 are quite young to have a baby in my friendship group, is he the first of his mates to be having a child?

You mentioned smoking in a post, I'd definitely discussing that with him and encouraging him to give up as it's a factor in increased SIDS risk.

YANBU.

I'd be livid if my partner behaved like that. This is going to be your last chance for a long time to spend quality time together and he is pissing a huge amount of money up the wall and avoiding you for over half the weekend.

Obviously I'm not saying that he cannot go out, but I'd want him back by 1pm and abit drunk, rather than pissed out of his skull.

If he isn't going to stop acting like a student about alcohol now, will he when the baby actually arrives and he's stressed due to (self inflicted) lack of sleep?

YANBU - a one-off can happen, bout he's taking the piss. You don't need to answer, but is he perhaps regularly taking drugs to be up so late? I'd be taking him that he needs to quit smoking now, the initial weeks the baby is here will be too fraught to quit and the SIDS risk goes up too much too continue; he could get vaping or get some nicotine mints or a patch, whatever he feels will work. If he loves you then he also should be making the most of your couple time before you become a 3. My DH stayed home from 36 weeks just in case of early labour, to help me and also to enjoy couple time; that seemed fairly normal with others due around the same time.

YANBU OP, but a lot of people on here will feel that you are.
Going out every weekend until the early hours when your OH is pregnant takes the piss. That's all there is too it.
A woman's life changes when you get pregnant, and a man's doesn't change until the baby is born.
Have a chat with him when he is sober to enquire as to when he is going to grow up.

Hi OP Honestly I would come down super hard on this.
The fact he is out until the morning makes me think there could be drugs too.
I have been there and it is not fun.
You have a low lying placenta too which occasionally can cause problems during pregnancy.
When he is awake and sober have a very honest chat about how this makes you feel. Good luck.

I was in a similar-ish situation - didn't live together but saw each other every weekend (he worked away) - and he would get drunk every weekend as his way to 'wind down'. I rarely saw him sober. When I had DS he finally made it to the hospital (after the birth) and was drunk. I put up with it for 3 years and then ended it. He wasn't going to change, even having a child, so I came to the conclusion I didn't want my son growing up with his 'male role model' being a drunk. DP was 30. Funnily enough my DS (now late 20s) doesn't drink at all.

YANBU I would be raging if this was happening every weekend. You absolutely should be telling him he's acting like a complete cockwomble leaving you home alone pregnant, tired and ill and writing off Sunday. I agree that 7am implies drugs as well, it's totally not on to be wasting money at this point. Time for this to stop, I think 1am is very generous of you. What a pillock, he better not be thinking he'll be off out when the baby is here leaving you alone to do everything, nip this crap in the bud now.

Quite frankly I'm shocked at the number of posters who think YABU

They must have very low standards. He needs to grow up and face his responsibilities. This kind of behaviour every weekend is not on. Are there drugs involved as well?

Please make sure that you remain financially independent. As you are not married you could be in a vulnerable position.

YANBU at all. I wouldn't be impressed if this happened every weekend if I wasn't pregnant, let alone at 32 weeks pregnant!

He thinks it's acceptable to go out every weekend and get pissed, roll in at 1-5am everyday and spend the Sunday in bed hungover and out of action when he has a heavily pregnant partner at home?

No.

YANBU. I really hope he changes when the baby arrives.

Even if you weren’t pregnant I don’t think that him going out on the piss and not coming home every weekend is reasonable in a relationship. Once in a while, fine. Every Saturday is taking the piss. Do you really think he’ll change when there is a crying demanding baby in the house and you’re worn to a frazzle trying to cope with a newborn? Seems to me this manchild will want to be out even more tbh.

Yanbu

That is too often and too late.

I think one night over the weekend is more than enough and I think he should come home at a respectful time (ie 12am-1am) and not over do the drinking. He shouldn't being recovering from hangovers all weekend.

I remember with my first especially being quite anxious when dh went out and he didn't do it very frequently and is not a big drinker, but I still felt anxious as I didn't want to go so I stayed at home but I still worried about him being in an accident or being mugged while he was out. I don't think it is unusual for pregnant women to worry about their husbands out at night.

You need to make your feelings very clear to him as yanbu at all.

He's destroying his liver and pissing money away at a time when preparing for a baby should be a high priority. No one is saying he has to act like a monk but if what you described is true then it's off the scale ridiculousness.

Do you think he has an actual alcohol problem?

You can't tell another adult what to do. You can decide and then stick to your boundaries of what is acceptable. If his behaviour continues to be unacceptable then you know what you have to do.

OP you are 100% right and I can't believe anyone would disagree with you! It's really disrespectful of him. You have enough to worry about without being awake at 5am wondering where your partner is. Should you need to go to the hospital or should anything happen you need the security of knowing he's there for you. And to be honest pregnant or not, you are right at 31 why is he falling home at 5am. I grew out of that many many years ago and so did my husband.

YANBU you both chose to try for a baby and while everything has changed for you he is still carrying on as before. Why isn't he home with you? I would think spending time with the mother of his child should be his focus. There's nothing wrong with the odd night out but pissed every weekend and rolling in whenever he wants like he's young free and single isn't ok. He keeps promising to change and he hasn't and the best way to predict future behaviour is past behaviour. I predict he'll be out celebrating and wetting the babies head after the birth and you'll be left feeling as you are now only it will be worse because you'll be left alone with a baby.

Hi OP

It's hard, obviously he is entitled to his social life and to see his friends.

However you are also going through a tough time and can't carry on as you were before. I would expect two things from him 1- to hae some empathy about how hard this is if your social life has been stopped as you can't drink, and to want to spend quality time with you doing other things. Nice meals, going to cinema etc. Has he done any of this

1. Not be so hungover and tired all weekend that he can't spend quality time with you and do his share of chores etc.

Wanting to see your friends and have a few drinks is different to consistently writing off the entire weekend while you're sat at home by yourself

It sounds like once he has started he can't actually stop (for some people that's hard especially when all your friends carry on) so it will have to be a case of not going out sometimes.

Did he always used to stay up so late? Does he do drugs? Only ask as other than teenagers everyone I know that stays up all night only manages it by taking coke.

I'd have a serious chat about what he's going to do when you're full term and also how often he's going to do this when the baby arrives. It's 10x worse when your partner goes out when you know you're going to have to do bedtime by yourself (when both of mine were little, bedtime was preceeded by screaming for hours in the evening), all the night wakes, and everything the next morning. So a few hours out for one of you is almost an extra 24 hours work for the other

YABU! You’re not his keeper, let the man live! It sounds like just because you can’t go out drinking you don’t think should be allowed to have fun either.

Wouldn’t you be embarrassed if at 1am his mates (and yours I gather) ask where he is rushing off to and he explains you’ve given him a strict curfew?

Sorry but you need to lighten up a bit. His nights out will be largely curbed when the baby is here. Let him live it up now.

YANBU
You're left sitting on your own every weekend. You're then left all day Sunday with him in a coma.

And how much is this costing??

YANBU. I think your expectations are normal. He sounds like he is on a last minute bender, like eating everything in the house on the weekend before the big diet starting on the Monday sort of thing. The trouble is he will wet the baby's head and then it will be another reason and another and another. If it is and you have made your position clear then at least you have tried your best.

His behaviour is immature and irritating as hell to live with though.