31 weeks pregnant and drunken DP again

[NC2737381]

Posted here for traffic as I’m so annoyed..

Me and my DP have been together for 8 years and have DC1 on the way, I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant. I’m 27 and he’s 31. We both have good jobs, a mortgage etc but aren’t married yet (joint decision)

We were TTC to conceive for around a year before I fell pregnant. We were both over the moon. Since I’ve found out I’ve ovbs given up smoking, drinking and limit my caffeine intake etc. Before this we both used to enjoy going out with friends and drinking on weekends as our friendship circles merged years ago, I still attend some of these events but drive and tend to leave after an hour or so. I’ve suffered with HG throughout this pregnancy so already feel vulnerable as I’ve not been able to be as independent as I was and it’s effected work, my social life etc because I’ve been so poorly.

Since I’ve found out my DP has been out drinking every weekend particularly this month and over Christmas. He’s only once managed to come home at a sensible time and that is due to a taxi being booked at 12pm with his friends otherwise it would have cost him a fortune to come home as it was out of the area. Once. I’m awake now waiting for him to stagger in and literally so annoyed laid here. I’ve text and rang him and he’s drunkenly asked me to pick him up which quite frankly I’ve told him to fuck off. Now I’m not a control freak and encourage him to go out and meet up with friends etc however, AIBU for wanting him to come home at a sensible time? I.e when the pubs close? He’s at our friends house where everyone tends to go after a night out, I feel like I’ve massively matured as I can’t ever imagine myself falling into that cycle again and coming home at silly o’clock even if he was looking after DC. I worry he won’t have a problem as he’s still doing it now, it’s 5am fgs I dropped him off at 8pm.

I feel like he’s taking the complete piss out of me. I’ve told him so many times and it’s always the same response “I’ll stop drinking at the end of Feb” “I’ll stop smoking before Christmas/my birthday/Feb” it’s never I’m sorry for being an arsehole or at least telling you I’m staying out longer. Tonight he told he was having a few drinks and will be home at a reasonable time. I’m shocked he’s behaving like this as he’s been wanting children for years and it was me holding back until I had an established career and something I could go back to easily once my mat leave finished. Thankfully I have.!

I’m thinking of telling him bluntly that this is the end to this stupid teenage behaviour he’s pulling. I’m still happy for him to go out with friends but must be home by 1am at the latest? I feel like I’m being controlling but I’m at my wits end. What if something happened! I’m 31 weeks and worried something might happen. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant but I’m a raging, hormonal pregnant lady at the moment ready to explode - which I don’t want to. He’s definitely in the spare bedroom tonight and best thing he’s apparently got work tomorrow at 1pm

The only time Y have been U is when you were picking him up in the early hours when you should have been home resting. You are not his mother or his taxi. He is not your child, you have that growing inside you.

Picking him up is enabling him.

There is definitely drugs involved if he is rolling in at 6.30, but you are maybe used to that.

Of course YANBU OP. Ignore the goady fuckers implying that you are just trying to ruin the poor ickle boys fun. Me and DH were the same as you two before I got pregnant. Out every weekend and a few days during the week but when I became pregnant that stopped. I think you have been more than reasonable with him so far. Sounds like he thinks he can just carry on doing whatever the fuck he wants with no consideration for you which doesn't bode well for when the baby comes. Also 8pm to 6am every weekend sounds like he could be a coke head which would bring its own set of problems

My worry is that people seem to expect that he will miraculously change his behaviour as soon as the baby appears. I bet he doesn’t. That’s why it’s a big deal.

When the baby gets here it will be “oh baby needs you (esp. if you. breastfeed) not me so I might as well go out.” And before you know it you’ll be posting yet another “DP is crap and won’t help with the baby” thread.

I agree you need to address it seriously with him and elicit some changes now - even if he shows he can come home at midnight not 5am, at least he’s showing willing and gives you some hope that he may exhibit the expected miraculous change expected. He isn’t suddenly going to gain self control because there’s a baby.

YANBU OP

My ex did this, he promised he would stop. He didn't. He promised he would curb things when the baby arrived. He went out all weekend , every weekend for the first 12 weeks after I had DS then it was 'dry January' so he stopped for a month and then started going out again every weekend.

Please tell him how you're feeling and to buck his ideas up and stop it. He is going to have to be responsible at some point and there's no time like the present.

YANBU

One off is fine. But every weekend? What about getting some quality time in with you on a weekend before baby comes?

I also imagine he's a write off the next day, so you both work full time and must be living practically separate lives on a weekend?

What about the financial burden, that can't be cheap and your finances are about to change dramatically.

Just because you physically have the baby inside you, doesn't mean that he shouldn't be there for you physically and mentally.

He's being selfish.

I'm sorry, all of these YABUs floor me!

Anyway, YANBU in the least OP. It's time for him to grow up. What a dick, seriously. Every weekend? No. It's just not on. Not when you're pregnant. Not at any time. The drink is utter rot. Once in a blue moon, no problem. But he's out of order. It's a sad thing walking past the homes of young families, kerbside recycling bins spilling over with empty wine/beer bottles. Your partner needs to choose not to become that guy, in and out of the house.

My worry is that people seem to expect that he will miraculously change his behaviour as soon as the baby appears. I bet he doesn’t. That’s why it’s a big deal.

Yes, this is my concern too.

My ex did this, he promised he would stop. He didn't. He promised he would curb things when the baby arrived. He went out all weekend , every weekend for the first 12 weeks after I had DS then it was 'dry January' so he stopped for a month and then started going out again every weekend.

WTAF

What a selfish bastard your P is, honestly. Rocking up at 7am, 7AM!?! I’d be fuming, pregnant or not tbh. There is just absolutely no need to stay out until 7am. He’s not a single twenty something or a University student. Time to grow up!

YANBU. Every weekend is ridiculous. When do you get to spend quality time together? It must be expensive too. I would also be worried that this won’t stop when baby arrives.

Yanbu. Life changes A LOT when you have a child.

Unless you are in an unequal relationship, in which case it changes a lot for the woman, and not so much for the man.

Is this a sign of things to come? This needs nipping in the bud or you may find you will be left holding the baby while he does as he pleases.

I tend to not be concerned about a "pregnant women being alone at night" so I cringe a little when people say that. I had a shit pregnancy but was alone often as my partner works nights. And I'm no "cool wife" - I just don't think night is a harder time to cope or more unsafe time to be alone than any other time. In fact the day is harder because you need to do things, at night you are in bed trying to sleep.

BUT if he has really gone out every weekend night without you since you found out (so for the last 27 weeks) I agree that isn't right. That seems crazy! He has gone out alone 27 weekends running?! Not on whether you are pregnant or not. I think you should focus on that rather than anything to do with the pregnancy - as you probably won't have the baby for another ten weeks, saying your main concern is that you could go in to labour any time isn't convincing.

For those saying things to the OP like just because you can't have fun doesn't mean he can't, are you actually in a serious relationship? And if you are do you and your DP give any love, empathy and consideration at all to each other, because if not what is the fucking point? The OP has been left sat on her own every weekend while her DP has been out getting off his head . Then there's the fall out the next day to have to deal with as well. If anyone thinks that's acceptable I feel sad for them. Me and DH were out last night. I felt like I was coming down with something earlier but later on felt really awful and wanted to go home. I'm sure my DH would have loved to have stayed out and got hammered but he didn't, he took me home and looked after me, as I would for him, as most couples would do for each other. I really don't know anyone that would be happy in the OPs situation.

I agree XiCi
Their "normal" sounds pretty depressing. OH and I have never and would never do this to each other.

He will not get any better, just start making plans for you and your baby as men like this never do.

Cant believe how many are saying YABU. Low standards maybe?

OP i think you are being perfectly reasonable here. Having a few drinks on the weekend is fine. But getting pissed with zero idea of when you're going home is immature. Turning up at 5am is ridiculous. Especially when youre heavily pregnant.

DH limited himself to only one beer, or no drinks at all once i hit about 28/29 weeks. Its not just about being able to drive to hospitals, taxis are suffice. Its more about being 100% on the ball and coherent if you need to go to hospital for whatever reason and not just giving birth. I had 3 episodes of reduced movements, 2 of which were fine, but one which was serious, id have been lost with my DHs support. But on one episode there was a lady there with the same issue and was with her DH who was patently drunk and the staff told him to pretty much fuck off. He was a fucking mess. It was awful for her as she was already so fearful about what was going on. He ended up laughing, then texting mates, he was pissing her off, then he was being an arsehole to her. Just downright dickhead behaviour.
You do not want or need that. Simple as.
Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Thank you, there’s so many good points you’ve said about this, I’m glad I posted.

He’s still in bed at the moment, we did have a few words before he went to sleep and I just couldn’t help it. My first question was drugs and he swears he hasn’t took any. I’m not naive and have dabbled with coke when I was younger (he has too again when he was younger) we’ve both not used this for a good 4 years not great I know, we’ve not used anything else either incase anyone asks. I have a gut feeling he has used coke last night although he was very drunk, which is unusual as it does ‘sober you up’ although I think he’s had it and then carried on drinking. So will be asking him this sober as I am not accepting that. This is probably outing but again I’ve had enough, he walked home which is around 7 miles away he’s done that before when he can’t get a taxi and it just annoys me hence why he was so late from my text to coming in. He also popped to the casino and spent another £20 on his own which again I find really odd, he knows I’m pissed off so decides to walk home alone and then ‘pop into the Casino’ as it’s on the way. (He doesn’t have a gambling issue I can’t actually remember the last time he/we went in there)

The smoking - I am on his case about that. I don’t care if anyone thought IBU there, I agree with you all on the SIDS risk which I won’t allow. I’ve researched a lot into SIDS. He was supposed to quit after Christmas but has failed twice, because he’s stressed at work. I get that but I do throw it in his face that I never had a choice when I found out at 6 weeks I stopped smoking and haven’t touched one since. He says it’s different for him as I’m the one carrying the child yet he knows the risks of him smoking can cause! We spoke about this last week and he said he was looking to quit next week. I’ve mentioned the vapers too as I know a lot of people have quit using them. He’s positive he’s going cold turkey but he’s smoked over 10+ years so I know it’s not going to be a breeze in the park like he seems to think it will be.

There was a comment around our ages, I don’t feel 27 and 31 is young to have children tbh. Especially when career and money wise we are in a good position, yes it could always be better but we do okay. We’ve saved for my mat leave and we have a savings account if needed. He’s not the first one of his friends to become a dad and funnily enough none of his dad mates carry on like this or if they do it’s because it’s been a bloody special occasion. I’ve again put that to him and I get “well the babies not here yet” I am the first out of my close friends to fall pregnant although have colleagues etc or his friends girlfriends who all have babies who think his behaviour is unacceptable too.

27 weekends sounds awful when it’s like that but it’s right baring around 3 times (including last weekend) which he hasn’t actually went out. He comes home anywhere between 12am (once) - 5am. This morning was the latest.

We have done a few couple things together but as I’ve been poorly I’ve been unable to go out as much as I’d like I.e restaurants / the cinema. I don’t hold this against him. He is starting to suggest doing more things together though and we did go for tea last week after work. He’s also planning something for Valentine’s Day as he told me not to be late from work. (He’s not romantic at all so quite curious at what he’s planning) The strange thing is that’s he’s been really good - particularly at the height of HG through the weeks when I’ve been off work, he’s done everything. As I’ve literally been bed bound or on the bathroom floor being sick. It’s just when it comes to weekends he seems to change into this selfish man child. I’ve said it before - I get he’s got a lot of pressure on his shoulders and it definitely hasn’t helped how ill I’ve been, we both never expected me to be floored with HG. I did feel guilty watching him do everything but he understood and preferred me to rest. I never expected him to stay at home when I was in bed or in the bathroom being sick as I wasn’t much company obviously, but it would still get on my nerves abit when he was staggering in at any point of the middle of the night, completely drunk. It’s been after Christmas I’ve challenge this behaviour as I’ve had enough. I went to bed last night not wanting to look at him or even speak to him, I’m still thinking now if I even want to be with him. I just feel I’m last last priority when he’s drunk, he knows I’m pregnant and hasn’t even bothered to check his phone all night until I’ve rang / text him at 4.30am.

I also would never allow him to drive after heavily drinking, I asked him that last night and he said he’s going to let work know he won’t be in. He wouldn’t tell me the reason why though.

Its not just about being able to drive to hospitals, taxis are suffice. Its more about being 100% on the ball and coherent if you need to go to hospital for whatever reason and not just giving birth. I had 3 episodes of reduced movements, 2 of which were fine, but one which was serious, id have been lost with my DHs support

That’s exactly my concern, I would feel lost without him there if something happened! I had one scare of light bleeding around 4 weeks ago but fingers crossed it’s been ok aside from the placenta (which bleeding can happen with a low placenta anyway) but agree with you he really does need to grow up

Always surprised by the low bar some mumsnet users have!

Of course he’s a grown man and shouldn’t have an enforced curfew.

But as he’s a grown man, he should know that it’s not reasonable to go out and get hammered every weekend, knowing your heavily pregnant partner is worrying about where you are. It’s not reasonable to expect your heavily pregnant wife to get almost no sleep and then drag her arse up to pick you up at 5am. It’s not reasonable to go into a casino when you know your wife is at home worrying about you. He should want to spend time of you and take care of you given how ill you are. It’s fine to go out for a few drinks now and then but every weekend while your pregnant and unwell partner sits in alone?

He is being incredibly selfish and you need to have a proper word with him, or this will continue after the baby arrives and you’ll be dealing with this alone within weeks.

I agree SinkGirl.
I am beginning to wonder why the OP thought it was a good idea to have a child with this immature arsehole.

@LoniceraJaponica

He’s never behaved like this previous to me falling pregnant. As I said in my OP we both used to go out, have drinks with friends. We’d come home together, he never stayed out or on the odd occasion he did I was aware of where he was so knew he was okay. I wouldn’t have had a child with him if I could see how he’d behave once I’d fall pregnant unfortunately I can’t see into the future

You’ve got quite a while to go yet at 31 weeks but it does sound like he is being excessive.

Maybe he’s having a bit of a panic about how his life will change after the baby is born?

In that case I apologise for my crass post. Shall I ask for it to be deleted?

As I said OP, decide what's acceptable to you and tell him. It's up to him whether you mean enough to him to change his behaviour. You can't make him.

Him staying out all night 9 weeks before the due date isn't necessarily an indicator of what he's going to be like when the baby is here is it?

Maybe he's struggling to adjust, maybe he just wants to let off some steam while he can.

I dunno, apart from expecting a lift home I just can't see that he did much wrong last night.

Different situation but I don't call my partner to tell him what time I'll be home, I'm not a child and can come home when I'm ready whether that's 1am or 6am.

Just out of interest Ethel80 do you or your partner get wankered till 6am every single weekend and not bother to let each other know where you are? It's a massively different situation to have the odd night out and come home when you're ready to being out till 6am every single weekend especially when your Dp is having a difficult pregnancy