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AIBU?

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Original poster

To resent going to visit

57 replies

ilikemethewayiam · 10/02/2019 00:00

Not sure how to approach this situation

My husbands family are lovely people BUT they are very old fashioned and Victorian in lots of ways while I’m liberal and progressive. They live a good 4 hours drive away so when we go to visit them it’s for the whole weekend. DH and I met late in life, he has no kids and mine have long flown the nest. I dread these visits as when we arrive BIL thrusts a can of beer in DH’s hand and leads him through to the telly room where sports are on and all the men are bonding over beer and football. I’m guided through to the kitchen where all the women are supping tea and doing crafts with the kids ranging from 5 to 9 years old. I loved having children but now they’ve grown up I have absolutely no interest in ‘entertaining’ other people’s children no matter how sweet they are. However because I respect my in laws and their grandchildren I oblige and spend the time playing tea parties and letting them put make up on me. It’s not the children’s fault. They are genuinely lovely well mannered kids. They love seeing us and me in particular and get so excited about seeing us. I get quite resentful hearing the men in the other room roaring laughter and cheering the footie. The women get to fetch the beers, make the food, and do the clearing up. Sometimes the men go off to Football or golf (I’m actually a golfer myself but I’m never invited) and SIL, DIL myself and the kids get to go for a ‘family fun day’ or shopping. I’ve tried to tactfully explain how I feel to DH whilst assuring him that I’m genuinely really fond of his family and he does understand where I’m coming from but feels a bit helpless as to what to suggest as that’s just how his family are. As I’ve got older I feel more and more resentful having to spend time doing things I really don’t want to do. I just think I’ve spent 3/4 days of my life I won’t get back! I would like DH to go visit them without me sometimes! He says they might be a bit hurt and think I don’t like them. I really do but just can’t handle the old fashioned gender stereotypical way they live. I would love to spend time with my SIL and other adult females without the kids al the time! Should I just just suck it up, carry on visiting and stuff my resentment or make my excuses sometimes and don’t go?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 10/02/2019 00:05

The kids are old enough for you to leave them with the men...
Arrange something nice as a surprise for the ladies, make it something you can cancel if you can... Then say ok who is coming, you may find that you can change things

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/02/2019 00:07

Just go sit down in the footie room! Invite yourself to golf! Worst case scenario they're more agreeable to DH visiting alone..

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 10/02/2019 00:11

What they said.

And take your own alcohol!

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/02/2019 00:12

I'd just go and have beer and watch football

LonelyAmongUs · 10/02/2019 00:12

that’s just how his family are

Then he is part of the problem and not the solution. MyKingdomForBrie has the right idea.

emilybrontescorsett · 10/02/2019 00:12

I couldn't put up with this.
If say to your dh that unless he sits in the kitchen entertaining the kids as well you are not going.

Alienspaceship · 10/02/2019 00:14

There’s a compromise here. Tell him you will visit in the condition that HE sorts out the sex division crap.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 00:20

Just grab yourself a beer or bring whatever you drink and go into the living room and watch the footie. Decline any invitations to sit with the children. Bring your golf clubs and go with them to the golf. Honestly. Stop enabling this crap.

justilou1 · 10/02/2019 00:24

Have other plans that weekend and do your own thing. You don’t have to go with him. By always going - very single time, just because HE wants you to, you are being just as Victorian as they are.

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/02/2019 00:37

See I'd have grabbed a beer and said, "DH love, go help your mum out".

Either we're both in the football room, both in the kitchen, or he can get his face made up.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/02/2019 00:46

Yes, tell your DH to roll up his sleeves and sort this.

PentreBachCymraeg · 10/02/2019 00:51

Guaranteed some of the womenfolk feel the same, gather your coat/wallet and say you're off to the pub Wink

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2019 03:40

I wonder why you've allowed them to dictate your actions. Make a drink and go watch tv with the boys. Tell your husband you will be joining them for golf. Why are you doing things you don't want to do?

echt · 10/02/2019 04:20

Are you in Australia? It sounds like it.

KC225 · 10/02/2019 04:37

How often does this happen? How many times a year do you visit? Why do you have to go every time? I think you can use the reason (excuse) you are visiting your own children. Buy some personal gifts for the children and female relatives. Doesn't have to be expensive to show you are thinking of them a write a card for them all to read.

I think you are being a little mean about the children. Ages 5 to 9 are perfectly OK to be be left to play with out entertaining but they still need supervision. Saying you have no interest in other people's children now hours are grown - you were there once, cut them some slack. Why makes you think they want to spend time with you over their kids ....... Perhaps suggest they visit you.

FinallyHere · 10/02/2019 04:42

You sound like such an interesting person and I am sorry that you have a DH problem.

He says they might be a bit hurt and think I don’t like them.

So you are going along with him....

How often do you visit them? Once/twice a year ok, and more just make sure you have other plans.

Have now RTFT. Like the solution of dragging him in to play with the kids. Good for him, and the kids and breaks down stereotypes. Win win

Still only once a year.

SilverBirchTree · 10/02/2019 12:10

Sounds like a crap time to me. Easier said than done to challenge a whole family's long established traditions and dynamics though.

But I'd give it a crack. At least summon DH into the kitchen for from child wrangling. He can do crafts etc as well as anyone.

And yes, ask DH to suggest you join them at golf.

Holidayshopping · 10/02/2019 12:15

Sounds crap!

he does understand where I’m coming from but feels a bit helpless as to what to suggest as that’s just how his family are

This is crap too. He needs to give the beer that BIL gives him to you and ask for one for himself and lead you into the telly room.

He sounds a bit pathetic to be honest!

If he can’t do that-I wouldn’t be going and he can tell them why!

Mmmmbrekkie · 10/02/2019 12:18

How frequently does this happen?

An annual event - i would just suck it up

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 10/02/2019 12:21

Sounds like it's a dynamic that's not going to change. It would be unfair on your DH not to go- they are not being mean to you juat different. I would just go sometimes with him but have plans other times he goes.

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 12:33

Do you actually enjoy watching the footie, OP? Do you really want to go to the pub, drink beer, talk footie and listen to the "in" (and possibly off colour) jokes? Sounds dire to me. Buy I don't think you can change the whole Dynamics of the family, if that's what they like. Whatever it is you actually like to do, why don't you introduce it to Team Women and see if you can get them interested?

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 12:40

When don't you suggest a Men and kids day whilst the women go out for lunch to celebrate your birthday or something and get DH to arrange it all...

Teaandcrisps · 10/02/2019 12:40

Could you compromise and go once a year only.

SoyDora · 10/02/2019 13:19

Do you really want to go to the pub, drink beer, talk footie and listen to the "in" (and possibly off colour) jokes?

I like pubs, beer and football. I dislike tea and young children doing my make up. So I know where I’d rather be!

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 10/02/2019 13:25

If you were having to endure lots of visits then yes I can see why you are pissed off but I cant see any point in potentially upsetting things for the sake of an occasional visit.