To resent going to visit

[ilikemethewayiam]

Not sure how to approach this situation

My husbands family are lovely people BUT they are very old fashioned and Victorian in lots of ways while I’m liberal and progressive. They live a good 4 hours drive away so when we go to visit them it’s for the whole weekend. DH and I met late in life, he has no kids and mine have long flown the nest. I dread these visits as when we arrive BIL thrusts a can of beer in DH’s hand and leads him through to the telly room where sports are on and all the men are bonding over beer and football. I’m guided through to the kitchen where all the women are supping tea and doing crafts with the kids ranging from 5 to 9 years old. I loved having children but now they’ve grown up I have absolutely no interest in ‘entertaining’ other people’s children no matter how sweet they are. However because I respect my in laws and their grandchildren I oblige and spend the time playing tea parties and letting them put make up on me. It’s not the children’s fault. They are genuinely lovely well mannered kids. They love seeing us and me in particular and get so excited about seeing us. I get quite resentful hearing the men in the other room roaring laughter and cheering the footie. The women get to fetch the beers, make the food, and do the clearing up. Sometimes the men go off to Football or golf (I’m actually a golfer myself but I’m never invited) and SIL, DIL myself and the kids get to go for a ‘family fun day’ or shopping. I’ve tried to tactfully explain how I feel to DH whilst assuring him that I’m genuinely really fond of his family and he does understand where I’m coming from but feels a bit helpless as to what to suggest as that’s just how his family are. As I’ve got older I feel more and more resentful having to spend time doing things I really don’t want to do. I just think I’ve spent 3/4 days of my life I won’t get back! I would like DH to go visit them without me sometimes! He says they might be a bit hurt and think I don’t like them. I really do but just can’t handle the old fashioned gender stereotypical way they live. I would love to spend time with my SIL and other adult females without the kids al the time! Should I just just suck it up, carry on visiting and stuff my resentment or make my excuses sometimes and don’t go?

I'd leave the kids in the house with the men and say to the other girls that you should go for lunch - then lead them out the door to a liquid lunch. If MIL doesn't agree then leave her in charge of the kids and bringing the beer to the useless men. I might suck it up once a year but no more than that. And I totally get you not wanting to waste time on this type of scenario. I can just tolerate my own kids but not anyone else's. So I wouldn't enjoy entertaining other kids if mine were grown up (only about 10 years to go). You are at a stage where you don't have to give a fuck what others think - I've just read The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, as recommended by a mumsnetter last week. It has changed my perspective, though reading it I actually didn't give much of a fuck anyway. But after reading it I will be more politely able to not give a fuck. So stop worrying about how they will feel if you don't visit as often, or go and change the dynamic altogether. Maybe your sil will thank your for it.

In my grandparents house we had the same set up, and a large a child I would sit in the men’s room arguing about politics. As I get older I was aware that I should join the ladies in the kitchen but I never did. I refused to.
After a while they got used to it, and I continued to stay to the day he died. The kitchen was a warm and lovely place, but I preferred the arguments in the other room, far more interesting.

Join them for a beer and be the first to break the mold. You will be a good role model to the children. I very much doubt anyone will say anything but you may get the odd look. I don’t think gender division should be encouraged.

You have a DH problem, which you know.

You are in their house, I don’t think you should invite yourself to golf/help yourself to beers as some have suggested. That is unnecessarily incendiary and this is how they do things.

However, you aren’t them. Your DH has used your politeness for his comfort and your discomfort. He needs to stay with you in the kitchen or take you to watch the football or come shopping or whatever.

To those that have asked, we visit roughly every 6 to 12 weeks so quite frequently

@Onlyaman, sadly they are not older than us, they are the same age! I think this is why I find it difficult to get my head around their Victorian thinking but it does seem to be the ethos where they live. The men in my family are completely different. They are modern men, they do their fair share of everything, are modern thinkers, feminists, share the entertaining of the guests and kids alike. And I didn’t say I don’t like football, I actually do and am a big supporter of a premiere league team. Something my Dad encouraged. My point is, I’m not expected to join the men as its their domain, like a men’s club!

It’s the assumptions that irk me, it’s assumed I enjoy children, dislike football, like going shopping, talking make-up, shoes and handbags to name a few. One Easter weekend we arrived to find that the men had organised a paintballing day (all pre-booked and paid for) while the women had arranged a day at a local stately home where they had Easter entertainment for the kids. i ended up answering clues for the Easter egg hunt and guiding the kids out of the Maze. No one asked me which I would rather have done. The men came home covered in mud espousing what fun it was! I was not happy! I made my feelings known to my DH afterward. It wasn’t his fault that happened as he didn’t know anything about it until we got there. As PP’s have said, that is their cultural family dynamic and I’m not going to change it. They don’t know any different and my overt or covert objections are going to feel like rejection to them. My only option is to find ways to not go so often. I don’t know why they think I travel 4 hours to spend time with the women of his family, I don’t, I go purely to accompany my DH to visit HIS family so I expect to spend it with him! If I want to spend time with women, I would spend it with women of my choice! He absolutely would not expect me to take him to my family, dump him with my male relatives while my sisters, nieces and I spent the day down the yard with the horses and out riding! And I wouldn’t do it!

@Drum2018 - Thanks for the book recommendation, I will definitely have a read of that one! Catholic guilt is hard to erase!!

@KC225 – I don’t think I’m being mean about the kids. As I said, they are lovely kids, well behaved and well mannered. I am genuinely fond of them. I don’t think its unreasonable to look forward to your post child rearing years being, on the whole child free, and to expect those with children to entertain their own children. DH and I are actually retiring early and moving to the coast to start enjoying our child free years! However, I have invited the children (and parents obviously) for a holiday. They are over the moon! The kids have not stopped telling me how excited they are! I will provide them with a key and a cupboard full of food so they can come and go as they please. We will accompany them to some of the attractions but I will not be doing the entertaining and I have made that very clear to DH!

ilikemethewayiam
What you have sensibly written throws a whole new light on the issue. If you genuinely like paintballing, or golf, or Premiership Football matches, etc: I suppose you must, (before the event) let your husband's family know. Your DH should do most of this for you.
If they ignore this, then they are not just "old-fashioned", but just plain rude.
I guess you must respond to whatever they do or say in a reasonable way. If you are completely ignored...….then you know what to do. That family will be lucky to see you again.
I hope it works out fine. Good Luck!

This is absolutely a DP problem for me

Why does he want you there if he ditches you with 'the women and children' while he has fun with 'the men'. Is it just to fit in with their (1950's) outlook, so he can be one of the in crowd? At your expense. He 'claims ' to not be like that but still wants to fit in ?

Once a year max I would say, and you are too busy otherwise. If they make you feel more welcome, you might be prepared to go more often. If they don't..... maybe rethink your whole life.

I agree that your DP should be doing more to champion your views, but it might be that you need to start the conversation. Perhaps you could tell him that you plan to bring it up, and that you expect his full support when you do.

I think it is possible to kindly and politely point out that you enjoy the "male" activities as well, and that perhaps some of the children would also like to be involved. Perhaps you could suggest activities that you could all participate in, maybe crazy golf to involve the kids and interest the men?

Personally I would also look to book something for the women to do that would mean that the men have to look after the children for a bit, maybe start with an hour or two. It would be good to get away and chat with them under different circumstances.

It might not be that they believe that their way is the only right way, it could be that they haven't considered doing it differently and might welcome the change. I am sure there are some women you could get on side.