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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent going to visit

57 replies

ilikemethewayiam · 10/02/2019 00:00

Not sure how to approach this situation

My husbands family are lovely people BUT they are very old fashioned and Victorian in lots of ways while I’m liberal and progressive. They live a good 4 hours drive away so when we go to visit them it’s for the whole weekend. DH and I met late in life, he has no kids and mine have long flown the nest. I dread these visits as when we arrive BIL thrusts a can of beer in DH’s hand and leads him through to the telly room where sports are on and all the men are bonding over beer and football. I’m guided through to the kitchen where all the women are supping tea and doing crafts with the kids ranging from 5 to 9 years old. I loved having children but now they’ve grown up I have absolutely no interest in ‘entertaining’ other people’s children no matter how sweet they are. However because I respect my in laws and their grandchildren I oblige and spend the time playing tea parties and letting them put make up on me. It’s not the children’s fault. They are genuinely lovely well mannered kids. They love seeing us and me in particular and get so excited about seeing us. I get quite resentful hearing the men in the other room roaring laughter and cheering the footie. The women get to fetch the beers, make the food, and do the clearing up. Sometimes the men go off to Football or golf (I’m actually a golfer myself but I’m never invited) and SIL, DIL myself and the kids get to go for a ‘family fun day’ or shopping. I’ve tried to tactfully explain how I feel to DH whilst assuring him that I’m genuinely really fond of his family and he does understand where I’m coming from but feels a bit helpless as to what to suggest as that’s just how his family are. As I’ve got older I feel more and more resentful having to spend time doing things I really don’t want to do. I just think I’ve spent 3/4 days of my life I won’t get back! I would like DH to go visit them without me sometimes! He says they might be a bit hurt and think I don’t like them. I really do but just can’t handle the old fashioned gender stereotypical way they live. I would love to spend time with my SIL and other adult females without the kids al the time! Should I just just suck it up, carry on visiting and stuff my resentment or make my excuses sometimes and don’t go?

OP posts:

Bluelady · 10/02/2019 13:30

I wish there were only 3/4 days of my life spent doing things I don't particularly enjoy! If it's only once or twice a year I'd suck it up too.

Hadjab · 10/02/2019 13:37

My husband’s family and friends were like this - the menfolk would disappear off to the pub on a Sunday. He did it to me twice, the third time I invited myself along - the next Sunday, the sisters-in-law came too.

Solstice888 · 10/02/2019 13:45

Go and next time, tell exactly what you've told us. They are your family so shouldn't have a problem accepting your difference in opinion. Next time the boys are watching golf, say 'I like golf so I'm going to watch with the guys'. Next time they are going to play, invite yourself along 'hey, I know I have diddies but seen as this isn't the 1900's and I like golf, mind if I join?'. No one will know your thoughts if you don't express them. Have some guts. I think you've made this a bigger deal than it has to be. If thryreallyhave a problem with the changes you want to make, THEN u stop going. And they'll think - oh she has a problem with us! ...because you do, and rightly so.

Quartz2208 · 10/02/2019 13:49

Of course your DH doesn’t want anything to change he is perfectly fine

You need to tell him you are not doing it again he is forcing you into an uncomfortable situation just to keep his family happy. His choices are you don’t go or he supports you doing what you want

WhenTheSkyFalls · 10/02/2019 13:56

Sadly I think the only option here is for you to be strong and tell them how you feel and stand your ground.

CookPassBabtridge · 10/02/2019 13:57

I agree, just grab a beer and go sit down.

Knittedfairies · 10/02/2019 14:01

Do you have to be invited to play golf?

Sexnotgender · 10/02/2019 14:13

Definitely grab yourself a beer or bring your drink of choice and plonk yourself down watching the football. Bring the kids through too if you’re feeling mischievous...

hammeringinmyhead · 10/02/2019 14:17

Don't be "guided". Say "Oh, I'd love a beer thanks!" and walk into the other room.

mimibunz · 10/02/2019 14:21

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not going every other time. I’m in a similar situation and after 8 years of marriage I started skipping our Spring visit and one of the summer ones. You could always book a spa weekend or a weekend away with a girlfriend?

Tinkobell · 10/02/2019 14:36

For the next trip, be conveniently ill. Then for the trip after that have an unavoidable diary clash. Then the habit is broken. I'd just not go tbh.

ittakes2 · 10/02/2019 14:36

Insist if your hubby invites you to golf next time. That's a start to creating change rather then a dramatic change.

StreetwiseHercules · 10/02/2019 16:46

“ I would like DH to go visit them without me sometimes! He says they might be a bit hurt and think I don’t like them.”

Fuck that. Justs go sometimes and not other times. Take the times you don’t go as golden time to yourself and don’t let anybody guilt you about it.

Why do you have to please these people yet they don’t have to please you? It’s a rhetorical question.

StreetwiseHercules · 10/02/2019 16:48

“I wish there were only 3/4 days of my life spent doing things I don't particularly enjoy! If it's only once or twice a year I'd suck it up too.”

When my kids are older I’m not going to be sucking anything up for anybody. My wife shares the same view. We will do as we please and anyone who doesn’t like it can GTF.

HarrySnotter · 10/02/2019 17:57

Well there's only one person who can do anything about this and that's you OP. You have to either deal with it or put up with it.

PierreBezukov · 10/02/2019 18:03

Tough one because for me, I'd hate to be in either room. But the gender stereotypes are disgusting, especially fetching the beer!

Men and kids off the to park or zoo, women to coffee shop. Or something along those lines.

OnlyaMan · 10/02/2019 18:06

If the OP sincerely can't stand such visits, then I suppose she must politely decline to go, (and either make an excuse or say outright her reasons). I hope this would not cause a serious "family rift" amongst reasonable people.
But I am a little surprised that the OP cannot tolerate the family customs of older relatives for a few days a year. Why be so resentful?
And would she enforce her "Liberal Progressive" family customs on relatives who visit her own house?
I think walking into the living room, wedging herself in the midst of several surprised men, and pretending to enjoy football, verges on hostility.

username79999 · 10/02/2019 18:18

he does understand where I’m coming from but feels a bit helpless as to what to suggest as that’s just how his family are
Course he won't do anything because he's having a lovely time drinking beer and watching football.
I don't think telling the relatives how you feel will work . That's how they do things and won't understand that you feel different.
I'd speak to dh properly tell him how you really feel he needs to support you, Don't let him shrug and say not sure what can do . Tell him that when they hand him a beer and encourage him to watch football, get him to say what about dw , break the pattern.
If he won't help you then just say I may not go every time . He needs to understand how you feel and your serious if you don't it's never going to change.

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/02/2019 18:59

I think walking into the living room, wedging herself in the midst of several surprised men, and pretending to enjoy football, verges on hostility.

What a load of utter codswallop. You're pathetic if you can't handle the sight of a woman drinking beer and watching football.

Mmmhmmm · 10/02/2019 19:14

Just don't go, fake ill, work deadline etc.

I have a baby but wouldn't want to do the stuff you mentioned either, I don't actually enjoy other people's kids anymore then I did before I had a baby.

timeisnotaline · 10/02/2019 19:18

If dh isn’t supportive then I wouldn’t care if he isn’t happy I’m not going. Next time I would have dh say I promised op a round of golf, anyone else coming? And you can say oh I’ve missed golf, I love it but it’s been ages.
If he won’t do that then I probably wouldn’t ever go again tbh because it sounds awful.

OnlyaMan · 10/02/2019 19:32

What a load of utter codswallop. You're pathetic if you can't handle the sight of a woman drinking beer and watching football.
I think this answer comments on itself, on the subject of "hostility".

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/02/2019 19:36

Oh no, that was hostility. Drinking beer whilst female is not HTH.

Hushnownobodycares · 10/02/2019 19:39

Why are you having to be tactful with DH? And why is he helpless in the face of this nonsense?

Just tell him entertaining other people's 5-9 year olds while their dads sink beers and cheer on the lads doesn't float your boat and next time you'll be the one on the sofa with a pint.

Quartz2208 · 10/02/2019 19:42

Only a man a woman being able to watch football and drink beer isn’t liberal progressive and hasn’t been since the 50s which is where everyone seems stuck. It’s perfectly normal

OP tell him next time he can come and deal with the kids and be made up

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