Horrible vile teenage son 14

[ShelleyMae]

Does anyone else have a revolting teen?

I’m starting to think he has some kind of personality disorder - pushing and shoving, shouting, swearing.

Taking his phone off him just makes him worse 😡

I had a teenage daughter who was the same. Refused to engage with cams. But to honest cams were shit anyway. She was nearly excluded from school more times than l can remember. Thankfully here head of year was great fought for her. I wouldn't accept a reduced timetable. Threats and taking stuff just made it worse. IGoring her destroying stuff was hard but confrontation made it worse. We had police abd social service involved at one point. The years from 12 until 16 were a nightmare tbh. But to give you hope she last year got a 2.1 degree and now doing well. What helped l think was not engaging in any bad behaviour. If your son is running around the street close the door and sit on sofa and ignore. Let him play his x box . However you need to keep yourself safe if you can't make him go to his room when he's being violent to you you need to call the police. My daughter was taken away by police at 14 and to a children's hospital for a mental health assessment it scared her l think. I haven't spoken to her about this for years l will ask her advice she what she says.good luck

Oh and l have an older child who was the best teen ever so l don't think it's parenting. They were both treated the same

OP I am so sorry you are going through this, especially with everything else you must have to deal with with your husband and younger child.

It's not unheard of for much younger children who are angels at school, to behave very badly at home because it's a safe space to let all their worries out. If school is hard for him, especially if he has a undiagnosed LD, he has a younger sibling with a LD who presumably, and rightly, gets a lot of attention and a father who is chronically ill then that's a lot for a child to deal with, and more so when they are going through all the emotional, hormonal and brain changes which come with adolescence. I think it's understandable, that he'll lash out at you because you are his safe space in all of this. It doesn't make it right, but does explain it. I think teenagers and toddlers are very similar in their inability to articulate their frustrations.

It sounds like your son has many additional issues on top of the normal teenage stuff to deal with and that no one apart from you is doing much to help him. What is his school doing to help him?

Solstice
It would be helpful if you could tell the OP exactly HOW to get some help.
It is extraordinarily difficult to:
-get an appointment
-get a referral
-get anyone to listen
-get any support from school

There are no resources, everyone just says no.
If you have the answers please do share them.

Even if you do get a referral to Camhs and regular appointments and a diagnosis, it will not wave a magic wand and make the behaviours disappear.

You say you don’t want to press charges and I understand this completely. However, someone WILL press charges. If not you, someone. He needs to understand there’s a consequence for violence and violent behavior will not be tolerated because I’d rather a 13 year old be reprimanded than see him ending up killing someone at 18, and facing a more serious charge

I would just put him into care. may sound harsh but its true

This is a ridiculous comment.

Hi OP.

Are his learning needs being met at school? I’ve found often that if they aren’t, the level of stress in the young person is so high that they are a complete whirlwind at home, often becoming verbally and physically abusive.

If he’s 14 is he in year 9 or 10? Is there a plan in place re the part timetable? Is there any alternative provision locally?

If he has processing issues/SPLD it’s not unlikely that there will be ASD in the mix - is there support locally for parents of ASD teens?

oh sorry op.like previous posters I was going to come on and say its normal teen behaviour.they can become something you don't recognise as yours or even nice! but from your updates he does sound over that line even.
glad your getting help.ake sure people then tell you how to access the right support.dont let them digonose and run! you need help with this.
would there ever be a challenge or activity him and his bro would like to do together.would that help.to get them doing something to form some bonding?
was there a trigger or starting point or did it just evolve?

What teenage tantrums said is helpful. I have 4 sons and one of my DT's was an absolute nightmate early/mid teens. I only found out when he was in his 20's from hid twin brother that he was horribly bullied and taunted at school as he had epilepsy (Called a "spas" etc) I had no clue.
He was much better when he got a girlfriend as it was someone who was a "friend" and who was nice to him, it did make a difference.
He is in his 30's now, recently married, and can still be moody and uncommunicative when he wants to be, and deeply suspicious of people he doesn't know as he instinctively feels they will be judging him.
Its far easier for your DS to lash out at those nearest to him ie you.
I couldn't find my DS's "achilles heel" as he didn't seem to care about what we stopped him doing, or whether we took away his games system.
The only time DH absolutely lost it and hit one of the Ds's was with
him!
I can sympathise Op, I don't think the reduced hours at school helps, it only helps the school, and if your Ds is anything like my DS he wouldn't engage with the psychs.
Hang on in there Op, and pray that the girlfriend stays put

Solstice
It would be helpful if you could tell the OP exactly HOW to get some help.
It is extraordinarily difficult to:
-get an appointment
-get a referral
-get anyone to listen
-get any support from school

Absolutely this. I am in a similar situation

Even so called professionals sometimes dole out the same old shit such as praise the good behaviour ignore the bad, deliver a consequence . Even if wanted that sort of advice, I would start with Google

OP, see Ross Greene's The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the Balance for different strategies that may work with your son when consequences and sanctions don't.

Is there any possibility drugs migjt be involved?

And those that think it's lack or parenting skill, or, go to Camhs, it really isn't as easy as all that..

Yeah... but you know some of us have actually been in this position and had to fight for support. So instead of criticising, what do you offer as support?

Good luck with that mysonisamonster I'm sure most of us would have much more harmonious family lives if we didn't impose any rules. Until the day that you need to start enforcing them again

I really really feel for you, having been through this too. The only reason it got better is she moved out a year ago, but is coming back in May. I’ve cried on and off since I found out, as I can’t imagine things will be any different, and life was absolutely hell when she was here. I love her so much, and now shes living apart our relationship is much more normal, but the violence, shouting/swearing and doing very dangerous things is terrifying.

I hope you can get some help with your son.

You need to push for a diagnosis. Is asc or adhd something that he's being assessed for? There are self help books about low arousal techniques that you might find helpful.

I will tell you how I got a referral to Camhs:

I pestered my GP for months.
I self referrals to Camhs
I paid for a private ASD assessment (appreciate not averyone can)
I self referred to SS

No one has said it’s a magic wand but I think it’s better than getting police involved.

I think you need to push for ADHD assessment. If he has a sibling with ASD it's probably more likely that neurodiversity is playing a part in this.

I doubt he hates you, but he probably is playing off how stressed you are about him. That's not a criticism at all, anybody would be stressed dealing with that situation. I really hope you can get some appropriate professional help but I'm afraid you are going to need to fight for it. People would much rather write it off as emotional/parenting issues, unfortunately.

he controls it though around his girlfriend doesnt hit her or lash out so he kows what hes doing

how can it be asd if ops othe4r child has it and shes not recgonising as ithe same thing

My 16 year old son was like this, he has ASD/ADHD. He was lashing out, gathering arsenals of sharp objects, and almost got expelled from school. I contacted police about his behaviour, they came and took him to the station, interviewed him and brought him home. Eventually something clicked and with the help of medication, which he started taking willingly, he has turned it around, and is now expected to go on to maths based A levels.
It's not too late, but follow through with police, chase up CAMHS, and push through with an EHCP.
It is very tough, and you need support

Because it presents completely differently in different children/people.

Sending a child to care isn't helpful or a magic wand. OP wants advice/virtual hug/safe place to vent.

Children are complex, school will use agencies as teachers are not medics. Do you have access to a theraplay or similar setting? Quite often children will tell us something through indirect questioning. He treats his girlfriend well because he could lose her. You're his mum and therefore his safe person, it doesn't matter what he does you're there. It's a huge compliment but also tough at the same time. The part time timetable. What does he do when not in lessons? Sometimes extra work can be pointless as it's not a destress.

Sorry I can't help as in tell you what to do as a fix but hang in there!

Manon- yes I believe he’s on the spectrum although he presents completely differently to his brother. He has control issues and blatantly refuses to conform e.g refuses to wear school uniform, or follow instructions

Teenagertantrums- really glad everything worked out with your daughter

Twig the wonder kid - school just want him
Out - they’re in special measures, failing miserably. He’s excused on a regular basis, he was excluded only yesterday for bringing weed into school - he’s on his last warning he’ll be permanently excluded if it happens again. He is on a reduced time table and is supposed to work 1-1 with a specialist teacher. He just hates everything about school though.

Allusernamestaken - yes he has been smoking weed. I stopped any money and confiscated his grinder and smoking paraphernalia- he just gets more - I asked him how he can afford it and he says he ‘earns’ it by rolling for his mates- his reward is he gets his own joint. I’ve explained how dangerous drugs are and how worried I am about it but he refuses to believe it’s harmful saying it’s ‘natural’ and ‘just herb’ and ‘not chemicals’ etc. I ask him why he does it any he says he can escape because he feels anger all the time. I said he needs to find a different way to feel better such as counselling or find an activity but he doesn’t want to engage in anything like that.

I do believe he has additional problems but as other posters have highlighted even with a diagnosis that’s not a magic wand - I need to know how to deal with him for all of our sakes.

The police are there to do a job which is to uphold the law. Assault is an offence - I have already said I won’t press charges so there really is no point in involving them. Maybe he will have to learn the hard way and get himself into trouble with the police to learn a lesson

This sounds like a very troubled child. Keep pushing for MH assessments and all the support you can get. While it is unacceptable for him to be violent towards you, punishment is not going to work if it's a mental health/special needs issue. He needs proper help.