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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible vile teenage son 14

89 replies

ShelleyMae · 09/02/2019 19:03

Does anyone else have a revolting teen?

I’m starting to think he has some kind of personality disorder - pushing and shoving, shouting, swearing.

Taking his phone off him just makes him worse 😡

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelleyMae · 09/02/2019 19:39

Solstice- what makes you think I haven’t taken him to the doctor? Taking him twice - referral to cahms got bounced back and re-referred to mental health team - he wouldn’t engage with them.

Would take him again but he refuses.

Sorry I expect you are trying to be helpful but I have tried everything in my power to help him.

I think I’m looking for hope here that other people have been through this?

OP posts:
Stardustinmyeyes · 09/02/2019 19:40

Solstice88
Really unpleasant and judgemental post.

Op my teen was pretty awful at that age, then he got worse but now he's a 40 year old very involved father to 2. I hope it passes and that you are able to get some help

Original poster
ShelleyMae · 09/02/2019 19:41

Thank you stardust - it’s so hard, but your words gives me some hope

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 09/02/2019 19:44

You need to push for him to be accessed by CAMHs, if he was my son I would be at the doctors begging for a referral. If things carry on as they are your son could eventually end up in prison and without a diagnosis this could be a complete disaster for him and you.

My dd is the same age and has ASD, her behaviour is not this bad (she wouldn’t harm me) but she does not respond at all to any punishment, I take her iPad and she doesn’t give a shit.

Aridane · 09/02/2019 19:46

You need to press charges. There are very few careers that will be ruined by a youth offence followed by reformed behaviour. If he gets to 18 and is still behaving this way someone else will press charges and that’s an adult offence that absolutely will follow him. Be cruel to be kind

Rubbish

Original poster
ShelleyMae · 09/02/2019 19:46

I think also what maybe something to give me a bit of hope that he has a girlfriend (also 13), in the sense that they are best mates (but she happens to be a girl). They hang out constantly listening to music, watching you tube, playing x box and doing more normal teen stuff. But he treats her like a princess- nothing is too much trouble, he’s sensitive and considerate absolutely charming- maybe it’s just me he hates!

OP posts:
Allusernamestakenbutthis · 09/02/2019 19:47

Sounds awful. Did this come on suddenly or gradually?

Aridane · 09/02/2019 19:47

For your own safety, if you can't get / he won't engage with mental health team, can he be put in some type of residential care? Sorry - I know that sounds absolutely awful

Solstice888 · 09/02/2019 19:49

Sorry if what I said was harsh but I know how dangerous ppl with personality disorders can be and have zero respect for parents who raised them knowingly - and did nothing. It sounds like you have however, done a fair bit. If it were me i would see about having have him committed or something along these lines. Please don't stop pursuing every avenue available to you. You have to think of your own safety too.

Decormad38 · 09/02/2019 19:50

This is happening with my next door neighbour. She tells us but we also hear it. My dh has experience of working with kids with behaviour problems and feels that she is not asserting herself with him enough. Be firm and impose sanctions when he behaves that way or just misbehaves and stick to what you say.

NorthernChinchilla · 09/02/2019 19:51

OP- I work in policing. The biggest rise in domestic abuse we've seen recently is teen child to adult DA. Horribly common yet not spoken about.
See if you can link in to one of the support agencies, e.g. Victim Support, ad hopefully they will be able to signpost you to specific help.
Do you have any SS involvement?

NChangeForNoReason · 09/02/2019 19:51

They turn a corner at 16!! Hold on in there!

MitziK · 09/02/2019 19:54

Worrying about affecting his future if you report his assaults upon you will be pointless if they are allowed to continue and he does you serious harm or goes on to repeat it with a partner.

You need help to be safe NOW.

Dvg · 09/02/2019 19:57

I would just put him into care. may sound harsh but its true.

BrilliantDarling · 09/02/2019 20:01

@Dvg

The worse thing to do is to just put him in care Confused

trulybadlydeeply · 09/02/2019 20:03

In this situation you are not safe, and a lot of his behaviour is abusive towards you. It does sound like there might be something underlying his behaviour, whether that is a personality disorder, or perhaps something like ODD. However it is going to be very difficult to move forward with assessing him if he will not engage with professionals.

How is he with his younger brother? Is he abusive or threatening towards him? If he is, could you raise this with the professionals involved with him - it could be seen as a safeguarding concern, and may be one way of getting some help and support. Does your younger child have a social worker?

Alternatively, are there any family members that your DS does get on with (and who he isn't abusive towards) - grandparents, aunts, uncles etc who are nearby and may be willing to have him for a short period to at least give you a break?

WrenNatsworthy · 09/02/2019 20:03

OP As I said I used to work for the Youth Offending Service. I've worked with both parents and young people and I know that criminalizing children and putting them into care is the last resort when all other avenues have been tried.

Ignore all the kneejerk assholes with no empathy OP, they know nothing.

It sounds like you need help and support with setting boundaries that have an effect, that you need some back up when you feel unsafe.

In our county the PCSOs are great, can you start there?

CheesecakeAddict · 09/02/2019 20:04

I would go in his room and take all his x box games, his laptop, the lot and I would either bin them or at the very least make him earn them back.
This is not normal teen behaviour. This is getting ready for prison behaviour, in which case he won't have a future for you to protect him from.

Are the school aware of the situation at home? (The full extent).

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 20:06

That sounds really tough. No advice. Just sympathy.

He could have seriously hurt you - as in injured on the plates. Does he have the ability to understand the consequence of such actions? I would be concerned what he may do with glasses and knives.

Midnight21 · 09/02/2019 20:08

You have my sympathy.
Teens can be vile,some more than others.Been through 4 of them.This does sound fairly extreme but I'm not sure it's beond normal.
No easy answer,time will sort it out hopefully but that doesn't help now.
He should never,no matter how vile he is,lay a hand on you.Has he been assessed for ADHD,ASD etc?
You certainly sound like you need some help.Are there any local charities who might be able to help?

ManonBlackbeak · 09/02/2019 20:08

OP, you say that his brother has autism. Is it possible that he could be on the spectrum as well? Very common for it to run in families.

glamorousgrandmother · 09/02/2019 20:09

I find it interesting that he treats his girlfriend well which suggests he can control his behaviour if he wants to. I just hope that if they have a disagreement he doesn't turn on her and become violent.

Herbyvor · 09/02/2019 20:10

I agree with the posters suggesting you push again for assessment for ASD/ADHD, either through Camhs or privately (if possible, I know it’s not always).
Request EHCP too, you can do it without school if they are not supportive.

Completelyfine · 09/02/2019 20:17

A parent can’t just put their child in care or a residential placement. It doesn’t work like that.

I have a pre-teen with extremely aggressive behaviour towards me, teachers and all adults who work with her. Camhs, social services and police all involved. Complicated diagnoses. No chance of ‘care.’ I am beaten up daily and just keep reporting it.

RedElephants · 09/02/2019 20:18

Sorry op can't give any advice, been there still doing it to a certain extent.
It really is hard..
And those that think it's lack or parenting skill, or, go to Camhs, it really isn't as easy as all that..