To feel like I cannot help her anymore

[Habbs]

I have a friend who's boyfriend is an utter prick, he's picks her up and drops her, has zero respect for her, controls her and gaslights her constantly. He doesn't physically abuse her, but he plays with her brain like it's a little toy, I was in a similar relationship many years ago, I have since married and settled down with a lovely man.

I have been trying to help her for nearly two years. At first she'd casually drop his behaviour into conversation, and I'd try and explain to her what he was doing, I explained what gaslighting was and tried to offer advice on how to get back in control. Eventually it turned into a case of her texting me or calling me and asking if I knew how to deal with this situation, if I had any advice etc every time he was an arsehole (most days), I have tried so hard to remain compassionate, as I have been there, it's hard and shitty and takes so much strength but ultimately men like this don't change, you have to walk away. Every conversation I explain softly what I think, and what she could do, offer to help her etc, she always says "you're so right" and then never follows any of my advice.

He left her last year, and I thought hallelujah. That's the end of that. Until it wasn't, he continued to pick her up and drop her whenever was convenient and she let him back in with open arms. She had told me they were casually dating again and I said to her, now is the time to be strong, and walk away. She insisted she knew what she was doing, they were just having fun and she's a grown woman. I left her too it, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Of course it turned serious again, he moved back in with her and started controlling her again, and ever since then it's been a million times worse than it was the first time.

I know she's not lying about him being awful to her, she sends me the screenshots I've seen the proof, plus I know the guy and he's a grade A dickhead and always has been. I didn't have anyone to point out to me that I was being gaslighted and abused with my ex, it took me a while to figure it out and leave him and I'm not under any circumstances saying it's easy, but she's got people by her side telling her what's going on, friendship to me isn't about sugar coating it's the blunt truth which is what I try and give her. I just don't know how many times I can give her the same advice, for her to not follow it and ring me again 2 days later crying that he's being horrible.

She last rang me 4 days ago, in tears again saying that he'd done so and so. I spent an hour on the phone trying to comfort her and give her advice. I had a missed call today, and a text after saying 'please ring me back, today is not a good day with boyfriend' I read the message and put my phone away, I'm pregnant with my first child and we had a scan today to find out the sex, so me and DH were on bit of a high and had gone and bought some baby bits and for a nice lunch. I have read receipts on my phone, so she'd seen that I had read the message and not replied and text me saying "never mind, ignore me, I'll talk to someone who cares" I was a little annoyed as I was in a really good mood and she can't say I don't care, all I've done for the past two years is comfort her and give her advice that she ignores. I didn't reply as it was all a bit passive aggressive and I don't need that, but 20 minutes later she text again saying 'why do you even try to pretend that you give a fuck about me! you so clearly don't!' I snapped at this point and replied saying that I'd had a scan and it was a special day for me and DH, that I've been at her beck and call for two years doing everything in my power to support her and that I'm allowed one day to focus on myself" she replied saying 'if you find me so exhausting, why are you my friend?' And I did rather bluntly say 'you know what, it's getting really hard to respect somebody who doesn't even respect themselves'

I feel bad about saying that, but I do feel that way. I don't know how many times I can give the same advice but still answer the phone to the same crying phone call. It's not her fault she's being abused, it's not easy to walk away but it's also not easy to just constantly give advice and her not even listen to it. I feel like I've had my years of dealing with gaslighting and today especially was a day for me to be happy and focus on something positive and it became all about her. It's just become so consuming it's like I'm a part of it, even Christmas Day I had her on the phone crying hysterically.

I don't want to turn my back on somebody who is going through this, but I don't understand how I can help anymore, it's exhausting and I can't even read a message and not reply for half an hour without this! What will she be like when my baby is here and I have other things to be doing with my time? Fully prepared to be told IABU, I'm surprisingly myself at how little compassion I have for her today, I just feel worn out with it all. I don't think I can do it anymore. I know I shouldn't be making this about me.. but I can't help but feel this way.

Have you heard of an 'Askhole'? Just send her this!

This has been going on for nearly 2 years?

Fuck that. You need to take a serious step backwards because as much as you think you're helping, it sounds as though you're actually enabling the constant drama by entertaining it.

When you get to that stage, there's literally nothing you can do except step back and get on with your own life.

It sounds harsh, but you're not responsible for her relationships.

Ywnbu. Not at all. As much as she is a victim of her bf’s abuse, she is still sucking you dry. Her texts were very short-sighted given the time you have offered her so far and your extremely reasonable reason as to why you weren’t immediately available for her perusal. She has been very selfish.
I would leave it where it lies, personally. You have done everything and more to help and you ought to back off now and concentrate on your happy news. Congratulations btw. Xx

YANBU. At all. I would meet her (or send a message) and let her know that you will be there for her if she ever decides to leave her dickhead partner but you can't continue to support her while she is with him. And then walk away, ignore all messages and focus on you, your DH and the baby.

YANBU. I was in this situation with my closest friend. I had to step back because I have done everything you describe but she always, goes back to him.

Hi op

It's pretty galling she can snap and be angry at you, but not say a word to the dickhead who deserves it. Cut her lose and let her get on with it, she's using you, don't let her over shadow your happy time right now.

Seriously? Ide block and delete the ungrateful mare, enjoys the drama and will suck the joy out of your life.

Congrats on your pregnancy 🐣

She's desperate, she's drowning, and she'll pull anyone nearby down with her.

But there's something wrong with her; you've given her the kind of care a mother gives her grown up daughter who won't help herself. You've poured SO MUCH into her, but she expects you to be there for her at every moment and is angry when you aren't. There's something else going on here.

Sadly only she can alter this situation but until she does you must concentrate on your own well being.

What on earth does your husband say about the situation? He is surely having his days ruined too; Christmas day and many others, and a constantly emotionally drained wife.

YANBU at all. You dont need to totally turn your back on her ... But I do think you need to have some boundaries in place.
Perhaps just text her and say that you are sorry for being harsh but she knows that you think she should leave him because he is abusive. Say that if she needs your support in doing that or she needs a friend after she has done that then you will always be there for her... but you no longer want to hear about the constant things he does or help with the day to day battle of it.

I sympathise with you because she sounds incredibly draining and you are giving too much of yourself here. She is a grown woman and she needs to take responsibility for her choices . I do understand what it's like as it took me two years to get out of an extremely abusive situation... and I had friends warning me and telling me dont go back... at the end of the day I did not blame any of them for having to cut me off whilst I was with him, it must've been so scary and painful for anyone who cared about me.... and they were there for me when I came out of the other side of that, and indeed some of them really helped me to leave by giving me a place to stay and also telling him to fuck off when he rang round them trying to find me.

I think you were right to be frank with her.

No, you’re not wrong to take a step back.

It sounds like she is using you and your DH’s support to prolong this relationship. She’s not hitting rock bottom and seeing him for what he is when you’re rushing in every time she fucks up and picking up the pieces until she goes back to him for another round of the same old shit.

Real friendships go both ways and your friend is not being happy for you or sharing in your happiness because she is wrapped up in her own drama and just sees you as a player in that rather than an individual in your own life. The ‘you don’t care about me’ comments are typically manipulative ones.

You’ve done way, way more than many other people would have done and been a really good friend. You’re pregnant now and your own health and your baby need to be your primary concern. Ditch her.

Hopefully your message actually helped her OP ( it might have!)

YANBU. The level of support you've given her does you credit but it shouldn't be at the expense of yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy too 😁 time to focus on yourself and your new baby

You were in the right op. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

HRTFT but you are pregnant and today is all about your baby! Unbelievably rude of your friend. I bet she doesn't even ask you about your pregnancy as she's probably so wrapped up in her own life with dickhead bf.

I wouldn't reply today, it's your day for you and dh and baby. But I would reply tomorrow with something along the lines of 'I know you are going through a lot but yesterday was a massive and very important day for me and I didn't have the time to respond. I hope you are ok' and leave it at that.

From now on I would still reply to her messages but more casually until she gets the message.

I know you say you have been where she is and you sound like a lovely friend but I think you will have said to her and given all the advice you can. She needs to deal with this herself.

Congrats on your pregnancy op x

Really overwhelmed by the response here, was expecting to be flamed for making her abuse about me. Quite eye opening really, so thank you. DH hates the whole situation, he says I'm putting too much responsibility on myself to help her because it reminds me of my situation and I didn't have anyone to help me back then, so I'm trying to be that for her. I've tried to cut back the scale of things a few times, but she doesn't take it well and starts saying she can't handle it on her own and has bit breaking point and then I'm back there saying I do support you, I do care but there's only one piece of advice for this man and that is to leave. I've lost count of the times I've even copied and pasted old texts saying the exact same thing, she doesn't notice and it makes me think she doesn't even read what I say. The last thing I want to do is enable her to stay in this relationship, I had not thought of it from that perspective so will definitely be getting some distance in there.

As I was reading your post , I was getting more and more annoyed with your friend. She is selfish, the fact that you went for your scan and your happy she wants you to be there for her .
She needs some cold hard truth now or this will never end . You have been there for your friend, you have given her advice listened to the tears . I sympathise a little for her but come on a relationship where you are in tears on a daily basis is not normal if she can't realise that then that's her fault .
You have been a good friend to her , one day when she has broken away from this idiot she will realise this .

We all have our limits. Thats ok and healthy. I think I would send a text along the lines of I care very much about you. Thats why Ive been so supportive for the last 2 years. But now my priorities have changed and I just cant be there for you as long as you are with him. When you leave him please get in contact again. Id be happy to store a bag and your documents for when you are ready to leave.

It takes an average of 7 attempts to finally leave I think.

I had this and like you it came to a head during my pregnancy when I didn't reply because I'd fallen asleep now reply and got a barrage of abuse.

I apologised and we continued and then my DH took my phone because I was leaving it on loud whenever I napped or slept because I was made to feel terrible if I didn't reply, I'd even have a timer go off if I was going to nap because the "friend" could not cope with me not replying.

The day he took my phone off me I had a lovely nap and he told me after how worried he had gotten, in the 2 hours I'd slept as she's got no response from me she'd started messaging him telling him I needed to reply, he replied once saying I needed a nap as I was exhausted, she kept messaging him every 5 minutes asking if I was awake yet. He ignored them.

I blocked her on everything after that, I hadn't realised how possessive she was and if was always her, no asking if I was ok and I wasn't allowed to talk to her about my pregnancy as she wasn't pregnant so didn't want to her it...

She will occasionally now message DH trying to get me to speak to her but he won't respond and neither will I. I know if will happen again and I want to focus on my DC than her messages.

Focus on you all now, you can't he'll people who won't help themselves x

Did she know you were having a scan? I presume you'd have mentioned it. Yet she never bothered to ask how it had gone or anything.

It is all about her. She sounds like a right twat and I'd drop her like a hot brick.

Meant to also say some people don't want to be helped just like the drama of woe is me .
And now is time to put yourself first she needs to understand that .

I don't want to turn my back on somebody who is going through this,
I expect thats why she picked you as a 'friend'.

I don't know if you;ve read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne but what she is doing is a well known game that doesn't have a name yet. Its a variant of 'poor me' and 'stop me if you can'.

changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/games/common_games.htm

The advice given is if you find yourself caught up in a game, stop playing.

I was coming on to comment but your DH summed it up perfectly.

I have so much sympathy for your friend as been there done that and had a lovely friend who was there for me as I broke up and had ongoing issues for next two years (we have a daughter so wasn't a clean split) and I valued her so much even tho I know like you, she had to repeat herself so much. I'd never have felt abandoned if she needed a day to herself tho.

On a more important note, boy or girl?

So her bf is a narcissist and she is being an energy vampire? It's actually you that needs to set boundaries. You need to either tell her this topic (her partner) is off limits or, walk away. If anything she is using you as a crutch - Unloading all the toxic energy onto you and going back to him afresh. You are the one being used here. And it sounds like you are cottoning on, good.

You might as well get it out of the way because you wont have time for her when your lovely baby is born.

I'd be tempted to send out a standard "LTB" text every time. If she ever notices and makes a fuss, point out that (a) you thought it would be fine as she seems to pay not attention to what you advise anyway; and (b) really there is no more that you can say, because she knows perfectly well nothing will improve in her life till she does LTB.

Congratulations on your baby ... I'm glad the scan went well.

I think you need to tell her you're taking a major step back now. You love her, you want the best for her, but she needs to want that for herself. Tell her you'll try to be there for her if and when she ever decides to do the sensible thing and walk away from the abusive arsehole, but you're not going to be there for her any more while she's with him, as from your perspective it's only enabling her to stay because she knows she can vent to you.

Tell her you truly wish she loved herself more so she could see and know that she deserves better ... and do something about it.

But make it clear you're taking a step back for now and won't be engaging with her for a while.