To feel like I cannot help her anymore

[Habbs]

I have a friend who's boyfriend is an utter prick, he's picks her up and drops her, has zero respect for her, controls her and gaslights her constantly. He doesn't physically abuse her, but he plays with her brain like it's a little toy, I was in a similar relationship many years ago, I have since married and settled down with a lovely man.

I have been trying to help her for nearly two years. At first she'd casually drop his behaviour into conversation, and I'd try and explain to her what he was doing, I explained what gaslighting was and tried to offer advice on how to get back in control. Eventually it turned into a case of her texting me or calling me and asking if I knew how to deal with this situation, if I had any advice etc every time he was an arsehole (most days), I have tried so hard to remain compassionate, as I have been there, it's hard and shitty and takes so much strength but ultimately men like this don't change, you have to walk away. Every conversation I explain softly what I think, and what she could do, offer to help her etc, she always says "you're so right" and then never follows any of my advice.

He left her last year, and I thought hallelujah. That's the end of that. Until it wasn't, he continued to pick her up and drop her whenever was convenient and she let him back in with open arms. She had told me they were casually dating again and I said to her, now is the time to be strong, and walk away. She insisted she knew what she was doing, they were just having fun and she's a grown woman. I left her too it, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Of course it turned serious again, he moved back in with her and started controlling her again, and ever since then it's been a million times worse than it was the first time.

I know she's not lying about him being awful to her, she sends me the screenshots I've seen the proof, plus I know the guy and he's a grade A dickhead and always has been. I didn't have anyone to point out to me that I was being gaslighted and abused with my ex, it took me a while to figure it out and leave him and I'm not under any circumstances saying it's easy, but she's got people by her side telling her what's going on, friendship to me isn't about sugar coating it's the blunt truth which is what I try and give her. I just don't know how many times I can give her the same advice, for her to not follow it and ring me again 2 days later crying that he's being horrible.

She last rang me 4 days ago, in tears again saying that he'd done so and so. I spent an hour on the phone trying to comfort her and give her advice. I had a missed call today, and a text after saying 'please ring me back, today is not a good day with boyfriend' I read the message and put my phone away, I'm pregnant with my first child and we had a scan today to find out the sex, so me and DH were on bit of a high and had gone and bought some baby bits and for a nice lunch. I have read receipts on my phone, so she'd seen that I had read the message and not replied and text me saying "never mind, ignore me, I'll talk to someone who cares" I was a little annoyed as I was in a really good mood and she can't say I don't care, all I've done for the past two years is comfort her and give her advice that she ignores. I didn't reply as it was all a bit passive aggressive and I don't need that, but 20 minutes later she text again saying 'why do you even try to pretend that you give a fuck about me! you so clearly don't!' I snapped at this point and replied saying that I'd had a scan and it was a special day for me and DH, that I've been at her beck and call for two years doing everything in my power to support her and that I'm allowed one day to focus on myself" she replied saying 'if you find me so exhausting, why are you my friend?' And I did rather bluntly say 'you know what, it's getting really hard to respect somebody who doesn't even respect themselves'

I feel bad about saying that, but I do feel that way. I don't know how many times I can give the same advice but still answer the phone to the same crying phone call. It's not her fault she's being abused, it's not easy to walk away but it's also not easy to just constantly give advice and her not even listen to it. I feel like I've had my years of dealing with gaslighting and today especially was a day for me to be happy and focus on something positive and it became all about her. It's just become so consuming it's like I'm a part of it, even Christmas Day I had her on the phone crying hysterically.

I don't want to turn my back on somebody who is going through this, but I don't understand how I can help anymore, it's exhausting and I can't even read a message and not reply for half an hour without this! What will she be like when my baby is here and I have other things to be doing with my time? Fully prepared to be told IABU, I'm surprisingly myself at how little compassion I have for her today, I just feel worn out with it all. I don't think I can do it anymore. I know I shouldn't be making this about me.. but I can't help but feel this way.

Congratulations on your scan, I hope you saw a lovely wriggly baby, and even the bits that tell you whether it's a boy or girl
Enjoy your evening with your DH, and pour over those scan pics. See who the baby looks like, plan the nursery, snuggle up on the couch, and ignore your phone. Switch it off. And switch off read receipts on your phone. There's nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.

YADNBU

I know you say she is in an abusive relationship .
But you have now had a taste of how she responds when you haven't answered her quickly enough .
I am wondering if the relationship is as abusive as she says,
She doesn't sound like she would be an easy person to be in a relationship with either.
I think both of them are at fault .
And it sounds like they both thrive on this kind of drama.
It's sounds 50/50 to me .
Don't give anymore of your time to propping this girl up .
She doesn't need it.
She doesn't deserve it .
And she does not appreciate anything you say to her .
Your advice is not wanted really.
You are just Someone to add an audience to it all .
Protect your self,your baby and your own relationship .
Cut her loose .

Thanks for all the responses. I text her basically saying 'I hate seeing you hurt, but I'm at a loss with how to help you anymore. You ask for my advice and say it means a lot to get perspective from someone who's been through it, but then you don't ever take the advice and willingly run back into a toxic situation. It's not been easy for me to relive my experiences in order to advise you with your own, and I don't see a reason to continue doing so if you aren't going to take anything on board. It isn't a confusing situation, he's a terrible person and you know it won't get better. I'm always here to help you but going forward I will only do so if you are willing to help yourself. I cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. All the best'

She had a few, um, choice words in response. She's now tweeting hints at feeling suicidal, which is funnily enough exactly what my ex used to do if I tried to walk away so if she's trying to get me back involved she's definitely going about it the wrong way. I do feel sad that I couldn't get her out of the situation, but as many of you have said I have more important things to focus on. Thank you all for opening my eyes up to her games. You were all right about her not even asking about the scan, I don't really remember the last time she asked how I am, the topic is always her.

Sounds like she herself is a toxic person. Very manipulative to be tweeting stuff like that that she knows u will see. You are well shot of her if she is behaving that way. Your text to her was perfectly fair and just.

I had a friend like this.

We still talk but I'm nowhere near as involved in her life.

Toxic boyfriend. Abusive. Emotionally and physically. Coke head. Mean drunk. Nothing wrong with drink or drugs (personal opinion there) but when it turns you into that, I think you have to look at the effect it has on you.

I spent many many hours talking to her, driving to her place and spending time with her. Each time Id say he's a prick, you need to leave him. She said she would and then she'd get back with him... over and over.

Last straw for me was when she finally reported him to the police but then decided to withdraw the charge within about a week and asked me to withdraw my witness statement. The fuck I'm doing that!

I refused to enable her anymore.

The weird thing is... there was a part of me that thought she actually enjoyd the drama. Not so much the feeling awful and abused part but the making up part and that euphoria that comes with make-up sex and such...

They're still together. They seem happy. I think he got his shit together maybe. But she still sucked everything out of me and in the end, I had to call it a day. Like you said, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

This isn't a friendship. A friendship is two way. A friend would have known that it was your scan day and be excited for you. A friend cares about your life too, not just sucks your life dry.

Yes, she's in a hard spot, but you can't pour yourself out to force her to help herself. Your baby and partner need you to be present and emotionally stable.

Yanbu, you are right to set boundaries. Your are right when you recognise her toxic reaction to your healthy boundary.

She's a toxic, emotional vampire. After her response to your last text, I would block her on everything and move on with your life.

She's not worth the energy she is sucking from you and your family.

Are you sure about the boyfriends behavior?

She sounds as bad as him. Her reaction to your perfectly reasonable and honest text was to swear and be vile? If she was really innocent in everything she’d be apologising and saying she understands.

I think this abusive relationship she’s in works both ways now, maybe it was all him at one point but she’s definitely learned from him.

Ignore the suicidle tweets, if that’s the course of action she chooses then it’s nothing to do with you despite what she says. She’s in a horrible situation but refuses to leave, her situation is the same whether you’re. Friends with her or not. Don’t be guilted into friendship with her.

You’ve done the right thing the dynamic sounds unhealthy for all parties and her response is very telling

I’d give it some distance, and I’d keep giving it distance as this won’t change

Have you met her boyfriend or are you going on what she has told you? Is it possible that she is the abuser and he was trying to escape?

You have suffered enough before, and don't need her to drag you back into it.

You are doing the right thing to focus on happier times ahead. You need to leave this behind you for your own well-being, and the health of your baby.

Yanbu she is, she is selfish and self involved. That’s very draining and some friendships are like that, meet up with her and let her know that you are annoyed that she was so rude to you when you were having a nice day. You don’t need her permission to focus on you and yours. She can do one of two things LTB or stay and put up with it but you cannot continue to be her shoulder to cry on.

OP i think you were a littlw too nice in your text above.
She needs to be slapped down a little.

"Listen. Im NOT going to play games with you. Ive told you over and over that this wont stop unless you leave him. I dont want to be a part of this till you do leave him. Stop fucking gaslighting me, i am pregnant and happy and i want to enjoy my life and not be sucked into your toxic bullshit that you choose to stay in. Grow up. And stop with the attention seeking online. It only makes you look worse'.

Block delete. Then maybe unblock im a couple months when she may have calmed down.

Also OP, what you must remember about your own past situation is, there is absolutely no way you would have listened to anyone giving you advice when you were deep into the toxic relationship with your ex. You got through it because you had the lightbulb moment on your own. I was the exact same. I would never have listened to my friends. And i was scared of them finding out the extent of control i was under. At 18 i was with a 31 year old married man with 2 kids who lived with his wife. It was disgusting. But he told me he was 24. Then when i feel madly in love he casually told me had a baby with an ex....then a few months later his ex was living with him for the sake of this baby....then he revealed they had 2 kids . In the end he wad a married man with a family but he chose to drop each detail one at a time of the course of a year and the further id invested in the relationship so it was emotionally harder to get out at such a young age. I would NEVER have listened to friends.

Ive had the same issue with a cousin whom i tried to save in this was who seemed to be following my path a decade later and my experience made me want to rescue her.
In the end id got so frustrated i told her i cant keep repeating myself. And she would only be in touch when theyd broken up or he was being a dick to her. I had to step back for my sanity. Thankfully...she too learned on her own.

You need to block this friend. U dont need to see anything she posts online either. Enjoy your pregnancy x

Unfollow her on twitter and any other social media platform. She's being a drama queen and looking for attention now. Screen shot any previous text messages you still have where she is looking for help and you have offered it, screen shot your final messages to her and her response. Save them away on your computer or wherever just so you know, if she ever confronts you, that you have done your very best for her at all times and she chose to throw it back in your face. Then I would just block her to give your head peace.

Do you know her bf? Have you seen him in action with her or evidence of what he has done? Just wondering if he is actually as bad as she has made out. She has some traits, which are similar to those of your ex.

How much is what you know to be true and how much is what she has told yo? Of course it’s entirely possible they both are similar ie the two most fucked up people in the room creating an instant attraction and toxic love / hate relationship.

The twitter posts are either to attract your attention or set up your replacement. Make no bones she will be slagging you off to high heaven when she reels someone else in.

The more you you describe her behaviour, the more I'm inclined to think that actually she is the controlling, manipulative abuser and a totally self-centred cuntywanker. She didn't once ask about your scan?! Block her and focus on those that genuinely should matter in your life, not this selfish faux friend.