I have a friend who's boyfriend is an utter prick, he's picks her up and drops her, has zero respect for her, controls her and gaslights her constantly. He doesn't physically abuse her, but he plays with her brain like it's a little toy, I was in a similar relationship many years ago, I have since married and settled down with a lovely man.
I have been trying to help her for nearly two years. At first she'd casually drop his behaviour into conversation, and I'd try and explain to her what he was doing, I explained what gaslighting was and tried to offer advice on how to get back in control. Eventually it turned into a case of her texting me or calling me and asking if I knew how to deal with this situation, if I had any advice etc every time he was an arsehole (most days), I have tried so hard to remain compassionate, as I have been there, it's hard and shitty and takes so much strength but ultimately men like this don't change, you have to walk away. Every conversation I explain softly what I think, and what she could do, offer to help her etc, she always says "you're so right" and then never follows any of my advice.
He left her last year, and I thought hallelujah. That's the end of that. Until it wasn't, he continued to pick her up and drop her whenever was convenient and she let him back in with open arms. She had told me they were casually dating again and I said to her, now is the time to be strong, and walk away. She insisted she knew what she was doing, they were just having fun and she's a grown woman. I left her too it, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Of course it turned serious again, he moved back in with her and started controlling her again, and ever since then it's been a million times worse than it was the first time.
I know she's not lying about him being awful to her, she sends me the screenshots I've seen the proof, plus I know the guy and he's a grade A dickhead and always has been. I didn't have anyone to point out to me that I was being gaslighted and abused with my ex, it took me a while to figure it out and leave him and I'm not under any circumstances saying it's easy, but she's got people by her side telling her what's going on, friendship to me isn't about sugar coating it's the blunt truth which is what I try and give her. I just don't know how many times I can give her the same advice, for her to not follow it and ring me again 2 days later crying that he's being horrible.
She last rang me 4 days ago, in tears again saying that he'd done so and so. I spent an hour on the phone trying to comfort her and give her advice. I had a missed call today, and a text after saying 'please ring me back, today is not a good day with boyfriend' I read the message and put my phone away, I'm pregnant with my first child and we had a scan today to find out the sex, so me and DH were on bit of a high and had gone and bought some baby bits and for a nice lunch. I have read receipts on my phone, so she'd seen that I had read the message and not replied and text me saying "never mind, ignore me, I'll talk to someone who cares" I was a little annoyed as I was in a really good mood and she can't say I don't care, all I've done for the past two years is comfort her and give her advice that she ignores. I didn't reply as it was all a bit passive aggressive and I don't need that, but 20 minutes later she text again saying 'why do you even try to pretend that you give a fuck about me! you so clearly don't!' I snapped at this point and replied saying that I'd had a scan and it was a special day for me and DH, that I've been at her beck and call for two years doing everything in my power to support her and that I'm allowed one day to focus on myself" she replied saying 'if you find me so exhausting, why are you my friend?' And I did rather bluntly say 'you know what, it's getting really hard to respect somebody who doesn't even respect themselves'
I feel bad about saying that, but I do feel that way. I don't know how many times I can give the same advice but still answer the phone to the same crying phone call. It's not her fault she's being abused, it's not easy to walk away but it's also not easy to just constantly give advice and her not even listen to it. I feel like I've had my years of dealing with gaslighting and today especially was a day for me to be happy and focus on something positive and it became all about her. It's just become so consuming it's like I'm a part of it, even Christmas Day I had her on the phone crying hysterically.
I don't want to turn my back on somebody who is going through this, but I don't understand how I can help anymore, it's exhausting and I can't even read a message and not reply for half an hour without this! What will she be like when my baby is here and I have other things to be doing with my time? Fully prepared to be told IABU, I'm surprisingly myself at how little compassion I have for her today, I just feel worn out with it all. I don't think I can do it anymore. I know I shouldn't be making this about me.. but I can't help but feel this way.