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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the way we split bills fair?

88 replies

Inapickle230 · 08/02/2019 23:42

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, I don’t think I am but I could be.

So, my dp and I live together and the house is mine. He contributes £500 (about 1/3 of his wages) a month towards all the bills. This was fine before we had our DS but I’ve recently finished maternity leave and gone part time, I earn a lot less than I used to - about £700 a month. So now not only am I paying 100% of my wage into the house I’m expected to buy all his clothes, milk, activities and all the gear that comes with having a baby. I just feel like I have financially sacrificed a lot whereas my DP hasn’t. The house is in my name though so is it unreasonable to expect him to contribute more?

OP posts:
Mabumssare · 09/02/2019 11:01

Ok maybe in OP case she shouldn't do this then but in that case I wouldn't be considering my relationship.

For me as soon as we committed to each ( in this case if they are not married then when they decided to have kids together) the house would have become shared and all money joint.

If the house had belonged to her DP before they had kids I would be advising her to have her name put on the deeds as it is their joint family home so I feel the dame should apply to him. The fact that he is not willing to share the financial family burden I would reconsider him as my DP

Waveysnail · 09/02/2019 11:05

Did he agree with you going part time?

Paccs · 09/02/2019 11:10

You sound like a lone parent with a lodger.
If you are partners you need to have a serious discussion.
I would write down all the monthly and yearly outgoings and suggest you each take responsibility for some. Him just paying "rent" makes him sound like he lives with his parents not his partner and child.

Original poster
Inapickle230 · 09/02/2019 11:10

Only - yes it was an item for DS.

Im glad I know ianbu. Yes the baby was very much wanted by both of us and planned for, and it wasn’t agreed we would split the finances this way. I suppose the £500 was a rough figure which was slightly less than 1/2 of everything but obviously that’s changed and it doesn’t cover it. I’ll sit him down and talk properly but it’s the fact he has to be told which is the worst part. Yes we agreed I would go part time, I’m lucky in my role that I could go back up to full time should I need to.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 09/02/2019 11:14

Do you have a list of outgoings

Mortgage
Bills
Phone
Savings for larger items
Clothes budget
Food
Etc etc

Then ask him what he feels is fair

Bryjam · 09/02/2019 11:22

I know someone who had 3 DC in the 1980's. She worked part time, he worked full time and he gave her £50 a week 'housekeeping'. She paid everything from her salary (mortgage included) and the £50 weekly was for shopping. This continued as their DC grew, he never put his hand in his pocket for anything. Not a Christmas or birthday present (for his own DC or family gifts), not a pair of shoes, school uniform or any of the higher cost items that kids have, like bikes etc. She was forced to go back FT when her youngest was only months old and relied on the wider family as childcare. As a result the children didn't have either parent there (he was a cunt who didn't do looking after his own children) and they were left alone sooner than she ever wanted when they were 10/11. They all had troubled teen years, one was pregnant at 15, another was 17 and the third at 19. They are much older now and have more babies, live on benefits and have no partners. All 3 of those girls suffered because mum couldn't manage and dad was financially abusive. They are still together now, and he still gives her £50 a week, which seems more as the children have left, but of course it is much less then £50 was 35 years ago. She works 50 hours a week, he works 2 days. He saved and saved all these years and is sitting pretty while she has absolutely nothing to show for her hard work;

Don't have you and your DC suffer.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2019 14:03

There have been a lot of posts like this and I am so surprised that married people don't just share all of there resources
I'm married, we don't pool our pots. The difference is DH isn't an irresponsible dick. He pays what I ask towards the bills (more than half) plus gives me £25 a month extra for the baby (goes towards bigger stuff) and if we buy anything larger etc we go halves. If I couldn't afford half I'd tell him and he'd pay the extra. He earns a basic wage, I don't work but get benefits so it isn't like there's an excess of cash. We just trust each other and rely on each other to do the right thing

Mabumssare · 09/02/2019 14:16

So why do you not just put all your money in a joint account then and then there is no need to 'ask' for more money or be transferring money around all the time. If you trust each other why can't you both just pay for things when they need to be paid ?

BrusselPout · 09/02/2019 15:32

Calculate how much EVERYTHING apart from the mortgage costs - all food, bills, child costs, car costs etc. He pays 50% of that, then you agree a fair amount for actual housing cost (I wouldn't do this 50% as you have the equity, but still he shouldn't get to live for free).

Delatron · 09/02/2019 15:52

It’s sad he hasn’t clocked that having a baby is a huge expense. Of course what he paid before isn’t enough. He’s just watching you fork out everything for his child?? Whilst you earn far less money?

You shouldn’t need to sit down with him, he should have been offering to pay for things and he should have just automatically started to contribute more. The fact he hasn’t would be a huge worry to me.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2019 20:15

Mabumssare we aren't transferring money all the time. It isn't like we go to Starbucks and he hand me over £5.27for his share of coffee and cake. We do an add up at the end of the month for big shopping, I know what the bills are. He gives me half. We bought a new sofa, I transfered him half. It works so why change it? If it didn't work fine, we'd change it. My point was that not combining money is fine too, it doesn't have to be an issue

user139328237 · 09/02/2019 20:26

No one would be expecting a woman to pay towards their male partners mortgage but unfortunately the vast majority of MN posters are unintentionally sexist on such issues so think he should be paying because he is a man. The principle of joint money really doesn't work when the largest bill is buying one partner housing security but the other partner absolutely nothing in the event of a split. He should be paying about 50% of the bills except the mortgage and 25% of the council tax.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 20:34

No one would be expecting a woman to pay towards their male partners mortgage but unfortunately the vast majority of MN posters are unintentionally sexist on such issues so think he should be paying because he is a man.

I hate these stupid straw man arguments. Of course people would be expecting a woman to pay towards a house she was living in. At the very least I would expect her to pay half the interest on the mortgage.

Original poster
Inapickle230 · 09/02/2019 20:41

I do understand that the house is mine so that’s why I’m questioning if iabu. That said, he’d be paying a hell of a lot money more in rent if we split. It all just feels a bit mercinary, he should want to help, especially with buying things for DS and I hate using the word ‘help’ it’s basic parenting isn’t it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2019 20:48

Exactly. It isn't help. It's what he needs to do. He can't see that so either leave him and go through CSA or if you want a relationship then make it clear what your expectations are. Yes it would have been better for him to say before baby was here "what do you want money wise?" but he hasn't so tell him.

Delatron · 09/02/2019 20:48

It’s about paying for your child here! When your partner has a lot less money due to working part time to look after the child. Therefore her career and earning power suffers. Bet he’s paying in to a pension too.

Butteredghost · 09/02/2019 22:42

I 100% agree he should be contributing more, but the fact that you own the house alone and plan to keep it that way does complicate things. Are you planning on staying there? If you are thinking of moving, eg, for more space now baby is here, rent a place together and rent your place out. Then the split is more obvious.

Mabumssare · 09/02/2019 23:25

SleepingStandingUp fair enough if you are both happy and it works for you. For me working out what we have spent each month etc seems like extra admin we don't need to do we just pay for things.

I don't understand why people keep referring to what would happen in a split. If you guys have a child together I am assuming you are committed to each other and plan to spend the rest of tour lives together? (I realise things happen and people split up but unless you have serious doubts in your relationship why are peolle making life decisions based on splitting up ?)

For me if you plan to spend the rest of your lives together I would sit down and put the cards in the table and pull all resources. The house is the family home and your salaries are the family income.

Someone above said rhis was bad advice as he wasn't giving you enough money now so I am not telling you to do this my giving you my thoughts on what I would do. I am not sure what they imply this would do - are they suggesting if you do this he will then leave you soon and take half of your house ? If so i don't think you want to be in a relationship with him. Have you spoken to him and asked why you don't share your money? Could he just be totally oblivious? Is this the way his parents did it and he thinks it's normal? Is he worried you will leave him and he will have no money (and if so why does he think you will leave)

I am surprised you say you don't know where the rest of his money goes and that you haven't just discussed this with him before it got to this point. You decided to have a child with this man so why can't you talk to him about your joint life ?

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/02/2019 00:25

(I realise things happen and people split up but unless you have serious doubts in your relationship why are peolle making life decisions based on splitting up ?

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2019 00:54

Mabumssare I translate my online banking record onto a budget spreadsheet regularly, so it's literally a 3 minute job for DH to pay me that's extra. That spreadsheet has been in my life longer than DH 😂 😂 😂

Graphista · 10/02/2019 01:35

He's taking piss!

The fact the house is yours is largely irrelevant, even if he were a lodger he'd have to pay rent!

Personally half the mortgage = a fair rent as mortgages are usually much less than market rent prices and DOESN'T mean he should have a claim on it either.

At the very least he should be paying 50% of everything else as the child is BOTH yours!

So half of

Council tax
Water
gas
Electric
Groceries (including baby's)
Internet
Tv licence & any paid tv
Any household insurances (contents, warranties for white goods etc)
Baby's clothes, equipment, activities etc

Pays his own phone, clothes, shoes, haircuts, social spending

I really think if he didn't think doing AT LEAST the above is fair your potentially dealing with a financial abuser.

In my home half of all that would be £422 and that's 2 adults living here (dd & i). But also I'm on a low budget as I'm on benefits but this also means some of my bills are slightly lower than for most people AND there isn't a baby ALSO needing things.

So I'm guessing for you 3 half would be nearer £700 Ish

Mabumssare · 10/02/2019 08:18

SleepingStandingUp I do love a spreadsheet ! Grin

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 10/02/2019 08:27

There's a lot of people advocating half... but the OP has gone part time to care for their shared child, and her DP is still working full time. Mortgage aside, I would be expecting the DP to pay for more than half as the OP's lower income is because of childcare.

Delatron · 10/02/2019 09:07

Exactly how is half fair when she is part time?

Graphista · 10/02/2019 17:17

I'm one who said half but also "at the very least" it's a starting point that he'll find it difficult to argue against without looking a stingy twat!

Tbh if he's not willing to pay more than that, that indicates to me he doesn't really want op to be part time - which should be a family decision as would op being a sahp - especially if he's expected to pick up the financial slack.

Also tbh if he's on the tight side op would be better working full time (with him paying half childcare) because I wouldn't trust this guy to play fair in the event of a split nor to ensure op protected in the event of his critical illness or death, so op should cover herself.