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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest that your career is dead after pushing a baby out your vagina?

103 replies

VirginMama · 08/02/2019 16:52

I really want to get back on the ladder but feel like the perception is that I shouldn’t be considering management roles while my youngest child is still a toddler. How do you get an old fashioned boss with their own prejudice about working mums to ‘lean in’? How did you reignite your career after taking a career break or working part time? Can working mothers ever compete with younger colleagues who have no responsibilities outside of work and are prepared to work all the hours god gives?
Apologies for the choice of words in the subject, deliberately controversial for traffic.

OP posts:
ChocolateCakeQueen · 08/02/2019 17:35

It can be done with a supportive employer and good childcare outside of work. I have friends in management roles working 4 days a week, so it depends on what your job is.

I’d rather just take a few years out though. I think you can have it all, just not all at once. I want to do the Mum thing for a few years then I’ll get back to looking at my career.

Bestseller · 08/02/2019 17:38

I depends on the industry to a point of view but tbh I think it depends more on the Woman.

I worked in a very male oriented city finance job when by eldest was born. I was the only person of my seniority who'd ever worked there part time. I was subsequently promoted twice whilst working pt.

Where I am now, in a different industry, three of the six people on the leadership team are mothers.

IME most of he people who didn't carry on made that choices.

I do think a "career break" while DC are small is very damaging though. I was able to stay on the ladder through partime work. It's very hard to get back on. I always tell anyone complaining about the cost of childcare that they aren't "working for nothing", they and their partner are making an important investment in the future.

Tinkobell · 08/02/2019 17:39

@Confusedbeetle... I can't make sense of the "oh please" remark? Please elaborate.

OP - I worked in fmcg marketing for 10 years then had my kids, my career floundered. But the women I saw continue and really succeed and climb the ladder in that industry had rock solid child care plans in situ, ideally with family intervention (grandparents or a more flexible partner) if required for dire emergencies or illness. I think it is possible to win the hardened cynics over but proving a track record of reliability and performance - and that's time served. Gaining that confidence upfront is very hard to get and of course if you bail and leave then you affirm the cynics views that "she can't cope" or "she's not up to it". If you can find your own unique plan that works for you and your kids and protect it fiercely. Don't expect camaraderie, kindness or support from other women in the same situation in your firm; it's a sadly rare thing and I never saw it I'm sorry to say. Good luck!

Tinkobell · 08/02/2019 17:41

@Bacdoc.....that's an inspiring story. You must look back and feel rightly proud.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/02/2019 17:42

I've worked for my company for 11 years and think that my loyalty and knowledge means I should be able to do part time for a few years after I finish mat leave in 9 months. But I had a child in the knowledge that work wasn't enough for me in life any more and I'm not desperate to climb a ladder that's going to cause stress when I don't need the extra money. Some women want to go back to "a job" not "a career", certainly for a while anyway.

Of course part time workers should be considered for promotion but I'm not sure if they should if the role is advertised as full time requiring 40 hours a week to do it.

Paddy1234 · 08/02/2019 17:44

I couldn't have got to the position I am if I have had a career break tbh. Just the amount of legislation etc that I would have missed.
However in the last three years one of my best members of my team is a mother and 20 years out of a desk job - her work ethic is second to none and for me that's the most important aspect.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/02/2019 17:44

If a part time worker wants to go back full time then of course being a mum should not be a disadvantage!

Boysandbuses · 08/02/2019 17:45

Boys and buses - sounds like you work in a school. So do I. But in my school the HT has never had kids and the DHT took 15 year break and thinks mums with children shouldn’t work. Rest of SLT are all young without kids

No I don't. I work for one of the big supermarkets in head office. I am head of change for HR.

What I mean about having time off, is that alot of times it's the women that take time off alot for kids things. That impacts your progression when it's often. I was suggesting it, but it doesnt apply to you.

Topseyt · 08/02/2019 17:45

Mine took a huge hit. I was out for 15 years bringing up three children due to childcare costs and lack of any local support network.

With hindsight I almost wish I had broken the bank to get back to work, but in reality we just absolutely couldn't afford it, so I didn't.

I am working again now, and for the last few years. I am in the same sector (financial services) but no longer in London. I am local to home and part time, which I like. Indeed, for six months of the year (winter) I work from home. I don't think my salary will ever recover, but I love what I do and it suits me well in so many ways.

Xenia · 08/02/2019 17:56

I had my first in the 80s. I worked until in labour and used 2 weeks of annual leave for when it was born and was back at work full time after those 2 weeks off. My career was not affected and has been and continues to be a wonderful career. I hope I manage anoter 20 or 30 eyars of it (even with 5 children now)

CountFosco · 08/02/2019 17:56

I think it depends on the industry and the woman (and her co-parent). Too many men think childcare is wifework and that their job is too important. I know couples where they both work for the same company, the man 'can't possibly work PT' but apparently the woman can doing exactly the same job. My eyes could not roll far enough back. If you don't have a co-parent who is willing to parent you're screwed.

PT women were never promoted at my work. Then the company started expanding and the leadership team realised they had lots of very experienced women on the bottom management rung and suddenly there was a rush of promotions for us all.

JagerPlease · 08/02/2019 17:56

I think it probably depends how long you have off work and how established you were before you went off. EXW and I shared parental leave and both got promoted within that year so it definitely isn't true for everyone

Lazypuppy · 08/02/2019 17:59

Having a baby has had no negative impact on my career.

Iggly · 08/02/2019 18:01

When it was born @Xenia?

What a lovely turn of phrase and quite insightful.

I have two dcs and made it to senior levels when they were relatively young. But personally I didn’t like the fact that my nanny saw the dcs more than I did and that I was tired all the time.

So I’ve downgraded a little while they’re both at primary school but not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe a career change. I currently work in accounting.

Bobfossil2 · 08/02/2019 18:02

As soon as I got pregnant I became a complete nobody at work. I haven’t gone back yet but the implication is that I am now useless. I’m ready to show them!

MeridianB · 08/02/2019 18:02

When I returned from maternity leave, I was marginalised and treated poorly by two female colleagues - one with no children and one with older children. They were widely known as cold, vile bullies. I move department and almost immediately got a big promotion working for two really cool men, who couldn’t be more supportive.

I know this does not reflect everyone’s experience but the irony wasn’t lost on me.

Original poster
VirginMama · 08/02/2019 18:03

Mystery cat and flag fish... nope I didn’t apply. I can see how that makes me appear unreasonable but it was a low salary for the role. I’m a high earner and the problem is that the pay difference would have been £20 a month after tax and and extremely huge hike in workload. Lots of long meetings after work would have been necessary and I have no one else to collect DC from school in the evening. DH already does all the drop offs.
I’m now looking for this position in a different environment.

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/02/2019 18:06

Tbh, I have no children but I wouldn't take a much higher workload/late nights/stress filled job for an extra £20 after tax. That is your company being tight and the 31 yo man is a mug.

Travisandthemonkey · 08/02/2019 18:09

Just go somewhere else.
I would say the main reason a woman succeeds back in the work place is down to her partner. Really I think it’s so important that a woman feels supported and that her oh feels that he’s 100% also there for the kids.

InDubiousBattle · 08/02/2019 18:11

Xenia*, did your partner have an equally successful, ft, well paid (??)career with similar hours? Several of my (female)friends have had very successful careers after dc but either their partners have stepped back (I seem to know a disproportionate amount of SAHDs)or they have had willing and able grandparents doing a lot of flexible childcare for them.

AliyyaJann · 08/02/2019 18:14

I only realise now at the age of 26 thrive ruined my chances of ever having a career, especially now that I have a 3 year old.

I'm very entry level so not very skilled, but right now I'm so eager to learn. Employers just don't want to give me a chance. I've never even mentioned my child, just keep it vague on CV by writing that I've had a break due to caring responsibilities.

cheminotte · 08/02/2019 18:14

I changed jobs between dc1 and dc2. I was full time until dc2 but then went part time. I basically trod water for the first five years of parent hood. Only when I went full time again was I able to move up and boost my self esteem and apply for better jobs.

AliyyaJann · 08/02/2019 18:14

At age of 26 that ive

JHaniver · 08/02/2019 18:15

I was offered a promotion and substantial payrise on my return from my second maternity leave, as I have a specialism that isn’t easily replaced and my employer had really missed me and wanted to ensure I returned full time. I’ve since moved to another company in a similar role.

I’m lucky in that in the industry I work in there isn’t a culture of presenteeism, you work to meet deadlines but as long as you manage your workload you do your hours and go home. If I’ve got a sick child my employers do understand, but my husband does his share too so it’s not all on me.

I think it really depends on workplace culture and a supportive partner or family, I realise I’m in a lucky position.

2b1c51 · 08/02/2019 18:17

My career has gone from strength to strength since I had Dc1 4 years ago. I have been promoted 3 times, including twice in the 10 months since my second mat leave, and have doubled my salary. I have dropped to 4 days a week and I'm almost always able to leave at 4pm for nursery pick ups. I work at a very flexible family friendly employer where it is 60% female. Now I'm in management it is more of a challenge to juggle- lots of evening work after the kids are in bed, sometimes working at the weekend, a few comments about my 4pm finish, but my manager is largely supportive. The main challenge for me is illness- DH's job isn't as flexible and it falls on me. The last few weeks I have barely worked a full week due to covering illness, and I do worry what impact that will have going into a future restructure.