To ask what your DH does?

[UnlikelyFinancialGuru]

Not by way of career, but in terms of childcare.

I am on Maternity leave and we have one child, aged 8.5 months.

Monday to Friday he’s my responsibility, obviously, since I’m off work to care for him. I very much enjoy this role and have a reasonably full week seeing other mums locally.

Every evening I cook all dinners for the baby and my DH and I. I do all the laundry and keep the house tidy, except for 1-2 loads per week that DH will hang up when asked.

Baby goes down from 7-7 each night but usually wakes 3-4 times each evening. I do all wake ups past 10pm through the night.

In the morning we’re up at 7 to start the morning routine despite DH WFH 4 days per week.

On the weekend DH plays golf on either the Saturday or Sunday. Usually leaving the house at 10am and arriving home at about 5/6pm. On these days I will do all naps / feeds / bath etc.

DS eats meals but doesn’t take a bottle (), so is solely BF.

Having asked DH to be a bit more present I have been informed that he already “does more than most dads”, which feels like a total load of bollocks to me.

But perhaps I am wrong? Tell me, what does your DH do to care for your kids and family? How many hours of dicking around time do they have? AIBU to want DH to want to hang out with us more?

I don't think it's right for your DH to be away doing his hobby from 10-5 or 6 on either the Sat or Sun - that's a whole day virtually. He's spending too much time on his "own" stuff. I wouldn't be happy with that.

He is talking shit. What does he actually do for your child other than work?

My husband works full time 9:30 - 17:30. I work full time evenings. He looks after our daughter and gets her up for the day every single morning. I look after her while he is at work. He comes home, cooks dinner, washes up and does chores such as laundry while I am at work

My DH does lots ... he picks DC up from school, usually sorts dinner and will do some cleaning or washing. Whatever is needed! Weekend is spend together, our hobby (agility / show dogs) is very family friendly. So we can take the kids or sometimes just one of us goes.
I have to say, DH does work night shifts I (normally) work ft days.

Thanks both. This is what I feared. I know it’s not right, but I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall when we have the conversation.

We have one ‘family day’ at the weekend and that’s largely it. A few days ago I handed DS over at 5pm (after work), so that I could get on with a load of admin in the house and DS just cried the whole time. Through books, tea, bath and pyjamas. It was so sad. Feels like a situation of his own making though, by not being around enough.

I have been out 3 times in the evening since having DS (all in the past 2.5 months).

He does do: bath time 4x per week, stories, will feed him tea 2/3x per week. On either Sat or Sun he’ll take him from me after a 7am feed until 10am.

When in your situation, I used to make the dinner and keep the house semi tidy, while looking after DC1. When DH got home I'd immediately pass DC over to get some time to myself and for them to spend time together. I Bfed so did all nights but DH would take DC1 out every weekend morning so I could lie in. The rest of the weekend we'd spend together as a family.

My DH is a bit crap with this so I'm using me going back to work soon as a motivator. Not sure if this may work for you to? DD (6 months) has been 100% my responsibility aside from the odd 10pm feed at the weekend. Most housework and pet care has also been my responsibility. DH may unload or load the dishwasher after dinner but that's about it. Anyway with work loaming I've told him that he needs to do more. In the last few days he has done 2 bedtimes for DD and helped clear up the food splatter from dinner. I also got him to change a rancid nappy.

@blackcat that’s a good idea. I’m going back to work in May so maybe I need to use this! Don’t talk to me about the grime under the high chair...

he is a selfish twat sorry

Anyway it doesnt matter what other people do if its not working for you as a couple its not working

I'm a SAHP to a 3 yo. So whoever wakes up gets DS up, usually DH, and grabs him breakfast (dry cereal and a cup of water so not onerous). I usually get him dressed, DH will if he is running early. DH leaves for work having made his own breakfast and me coffee.

I take and collect DS from morning nursery, lunch, nappies, general entertainment. I cook tea.

DH gets in at 6, plays with DS whilst I finish and serve up dinner, we all eat together.

DH takes DS up to bed for bed routine which takes an hour. I finish my coffee and start tidying - living room and / or kitchen.

If DH comes down before they are finished he pitches in. We sit down roughly together with a drink DH had made.

Weekends DH usually gets up with DS, does breakfast and dresses him. I get a lie in because DS does NOT sleep through and I do all overnight waking. He'll do 2 or 3 out of 4 meals if we eat in, whoever smells is changes it, and he does both bedtimes. Tidying is done similar to in week.

I put in more loads of washing but he largely does his own if it fills a whole load and pop some of mine in if it doesn't., will do DS washing and will fd it and put it away badly.

He'll wash up over the weekend but is shot at actually cleaning the sides etc so I do it. He does bins and stairs, I do the other cleaning.

DP is a carer for his dad, currently on Maternity 2nd child.. When I was working he use to look after DC1, drop off pick up from nursery, clean and look after his father. Whilst also taking me/picking me up from work and occasionally bringing me lunch! Atm he cleans and helps out with the kids just as normal... Maybe I'm the odd 1% with a DP who helps out?

Oh he goes to the pub one night a week but most of the time he does he'd first as he goes out at 8, I go away more often than him with hobbies and he's fine. House is usually tidyier when I get back!!

He sounds like a selfish git.

Our set up when I was on maternity leave was that I did what I could while dp was at work, and when he got home he would take the baby and I would sleep, he would do what he could 're housework during that time. We'd swap at midnight and I'd do the rest of the night waking. At the weekends we took turns to have a lie in.

How is your dh going to have a proper bond with the dc if he doesn't care for him? Also, why doesn't he want to do more for his wife and baby?

He is talking absolute bollocks.

On the days when we both work, DH and I split DD's dinner and bedtime equally. We share night wakings pretty much evenly - if I'm off the next day I do them but he'll always take over if I ask. On the days when I work, he gives her dinner and a bath, and I do bedtime. We have a cleaner but I make sure it's tidy for her and do any other bits of cleaning that need doing. I also do most of the laundry but he always helps to put it away. He does all the cooking and cleans the kitchen in the evenings. At the weekends it's 50/50 although he will always take her out for a couple of hours so I can get a break. We both have one lie in at the weekend although we don't always take it as sometimes we prefer to get up together. He has a hobby that he does maybe one evening a week but always after bedtime.

Husband gets our son ready for nursery in the morning (clothes, breakfast, packed lunch etc) so I can get an extra 20 minutes in bed (I'm not a morning person) - I then take over when he leaves for work, take our son to nursery and go to work myself, pick up son after work and get home about the same time as my husband. Evenings we do cooking/cleaning/playing with toddler together as a team in the kitchen, eat and then bedtime together. Friday mornings I don't work so I do a bunch of housework with the toddler (laundry, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming etc) and husband takes over and finishes off while I go to work in the afternoon. Weekends husband gets up with the toddler again, but they just sit around and eat cereal and watch TV until I get up, so it's not exactly a chore.

It was the same when he was a baby really, once we are home we are a team, there's no sense of resentment as long as both of us are doing something productive. If husband wants a night out, he will make an extra effort to make sure he's done as much as he can to be useful before he goes so I can have an easy time without him. So if he was going out on a Saturday for the whole day, he would make sure there was food for me and the baby so I didn't have to juggle shopping/cooking and childcare and stress myself out. He's a true partner and I love him for that.

We did exactly the same as Stompy above, including the trade over at midnight. Then when DS1 was 6 months old, I went back to work FT and DH took 2 months parental leave. We have a very equal relationship as a result, he and I both have had the experience of being at home full time with a baby and what can/can't be done in that time - and also being at work all day and coming home and understanding that you just have to start that second shift when you walk in the door. We now split household chores and life work by task rather than sharing each task, so neither us has to manage each other or argue about whose turn it was last time etc. And we ensure we both get the same amount of leisure time, alone and as a family.

He needs to share his leisure time with you. Remind him of the term "golf widow"...

And in terms of sharing by task I mean:

I do all food shopping, meal planning and cooking, laundry, mopping, cleaning bathrooms, ⅔ of school runs, DIY, car maintenance, play dates and birthday parties.

He does all the washing up, ironing, most of the hoovering, kitchen cleaning, all the tidying and putting away, ⅓ of school runs, bins, presents and cards for family, arranging holidays and travel, most of the communication with school.

Finances done together.

Morning routine, I get the kids sitting at the table eating while he is in the shower. Then he walks the dog while I'm in the shower and gets them dressed and supervises any last min homework and music practice.

Evening routine, he does bed and bath time most nights while I make our dinner and put a wash on, then later he cleans the kitchen down while I lay out uniforms and school bags for the next day.

Weekends he works Saturdays but he makes a full cooked breakfast for us all before he goes to work and is always home for dinner, bath and bed with the kids. Sundays we spend all day together, usually I get a lie in or he takes the kids swimming or out with a ball and I can zone out.

I'm on Mat leave currently, yet my DP who works full time, cooks tea every night, and does our LO's night feed (between 3 and 5am) every night. He also feeds and cleans out our pets every evening. Your DP/DH is an ass!!

Mine works in finance so starts very early in the morning. On the plus side he finishes when the financial markets close. Which means he does pick up every evening. I have to do mornings. The problems arise when I have to travel for work and we currently have no back up plan aside from dh going into work late which isn’t ideal.

My DH works away A LOT but when he is home he does all the cooking, the school runs, takes the DC out to give me time on my own, Hoover’s the house,cleans kitchen. He doesn’t do laundry as I’m particular about that but he will hang it up if I ask him, he makes the school lunches (and mine for work) and empties bins etc. But the other side is when he is away I do EVERYTHING!

My husband leaves at 6.30am min to Friday and returns at 6.30om. We have 2 DC 5 and 7. When he gets in he sees and plays with them for half an hour, does bed time and stories, then comes down to cook his dinner (I eat with kids) and wash up/tidy whilst I work (PT teacher so have lots to do every evening). He will get up for any wakeup regardless of time as he's a lighter sleeper than me. Then at weekends he does the same as well as the ferrying around to clubs etc.. His hobby is running and he either does it in the evening before he eats or very early at weekend so not to disturb the family plans. I think your DH lives in a dreamland

I agree with a PP that you need to start planning for how things will be when you’re back at work. There’s a very real risk that when on mat leave or a SAHM that house or child related work becomes yours regardless of the time of day, meaning you have a never ending job whereas the working parent gets to stop and relax.

I also think your husband is wrong, bedsides it’s irrelevant what “other dads” do, it’s what he think is right that counts - does he think you’re equal parents or does he see childcare and housework as tedious and beneath dads? Does he think he’s doing you a “favour” looking after his own child?

I am a SAHM and DH works from home a lot, but in a high pressure job. We have two dcs - 3 and 1. 1 year old wakes at least twice a night alas. Our divide is:

Mornings: usually each get up a child - one sorts house jobs like dishwasher and cats, other feeds and clothes children

Take turns to do preschool drop off with older DC, other looks after younger DC.

During the day - I do all childcare, make lunch, meal prep, food shop delivered, clean house and laundry. If DH can have lunch at the same time he clears up afterwards and takes up younger DC for nap.

Evening: I do dinner and bath kids, we share bedtime, one child each unless I’m at my wits end, then DH does both kids. I serve dinner, he cleans up.

Nights: DH deals with any wakings before 2am so I can enjoy some “off duty” time. I do anything after plus early risings, so he can get enough sleep.

Weekends we take turns to lie in or rest when younger DC naps, otherwise we share all jobs and childcare 50/50. DH obviously needs a break too, but he wants to do things for and with the children and I don’t need to ask him because he can see for himself and knows our routine so would feed / change etc without prompts from me.

This is enlightening. Thank you all so much for responding. I am going to show him this thread tonight.

I have a 3.5yr old and a 19m old.

DH works Monday to Friday leaving the house at 7am and back about 5pm. He has a physical, outside job. So I do all morning routine during the week including getting up and out to nursery by 8am on my three working days. I almost always cook in the evenings while he spends time with the DCs. We then do bedtime together. Weekends he gets up with them and I generally stay in bed an hour or two, or take my time getting ready. He makes their breakfast and then usually we spend the day together.
He cleans the kitchen each night, empties the dishwasher in the morning, makes us both lunches for work, does the bins and feeds the cats. We share washing though he probably does more.

He does music production so usually at least once a week, sometimes twice, he has someone over to record in the evening so I do bedtime by myself then. He also sometimes does this on weekend days but not every week. This ebbs and flows so can be quiet for a few weeks then really quite busy - the next couple of weeks he is recording this evening, then also next Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. But we've had no one round for at least a fortnight so I don't mind. Not sure I could manage that level all the time.

Ultimately if you're not feeling happy or like you are a team/partnership then he really needs to listen to you.

I am on mat leave with a 7 month old. We have two teen dc who go to school during the day.
DH does about 90% of general housework including washing, folding, dishes, hoovering at weekends etc, but I clean up after myself during the day so it is generally always tidy. The older dc mostly tidy after themselves bit he does a quick sweep of their rooms (for rubbish, pots, beds made) in the mornings if need be. I take dc to school with baby and pick them up later on.
He works 9-5, takes baby when he gets in whilst I make our dinner. I take baby for bath and bed at about 6.30 and he cleans up downstairs. After 7pm we hang out together watching films.
We spend all weekend as a family.

He isn't naturally tidy! He just appreciates that I am often trying to occupy the baby and doesn't want me to be even more tired with housework looming over me.

Now that DS is at school DH does drop off and I do pick up.

I tend to cook the meals but he washes up after, I dust while he hoovers and he cleans the bathroom and kitchen.

It's usually me who sorts the laundry but he washes all the cars (including mine).

When I was on maternity leave I did more housework but only because I was home.

I used to do 7pm feed and would go to bed about 9.30, DH would stay up with baby DS and do the 11pm feed then come to bed once DS was down. I'd then get up to do the 3am feed and 7am feed we were usually up together as he was getting ready for work so we just did it between us.

Weekends have always been equal amounts of family time/own time.

For 5 years from DS was 3 I worked away during the week, so DH did ALL the school runs, meals for them both, after school activities, kids parties etc.

I'm often told by the wives/gf of his friends that I'm "lucky to have a DH who helps me so much", erm, okay