To ask what your DH does?

[UnlikelyFinancialGuru]

Not by way of career, but in terms of childcare.

I am on Maternity leave and we have one child, aged 8.5 months.

Monday to Friday he’s my responsibility, obviously, since I’m off work to care for him. I very much enjoy this role and have a reasonably full week seeing other mums locally.

Every evening I cook all dinners for the baby and my DH and I. I do all the laundry and keep the house tidy, except for 1-2 loads per week that DH will hang up when asked.

Baby goes down from 7-7 each night but usually wakes 3-4 times each evening. I do all wake ups past 10pm through the night.

In the morning we’re up at 7 to start the morning routine despite DH WFH 4 days per week.

On the weekend DH plays golf on either the Saturday or Sunday. Usually leaving the house at 10am and arriving home at about 5/6pm. On these days I will do all naps / feeds / bath etc.

DS eats meals but doesn’t take a bottle (), so is solely BF.

Having asked DH to be a bit more present I have been informed that he already “does more than most dads”, which feels like a total load of bollocks to me.

But perhaps I am wrong? Tell me, what does your DH do to care for your kids and family? How many hours of dicking around time do they have? AIBU to want DH to want to hang out with us more?

Dd was a high needs baby. When I was home with her all day, she took all my focus every minute. When DH got home from work he would take care of all the meals and chores. On weekends we were both there side by side. I rarely got a break because she was so clingy, but he would at least stay with me and hold her while I went to the bathroom or took a shower. Basically if he wasn’t working, he was parenting.

Your 'D'H is a piss taking lazy non-parent

I WOHP three days a week. We share childminder pick up and drop offs - I normally do two mornings and one evening, he does one morning and two evenings. We share the cooking on the days I'm working, and have a cleaner.

When I'm not working I do the school run and cook dinner. At the weekend, I tidy more than he does but he does more laundry than me. He does a 250mile round trip twice every second weekend to pick up and drop off DSS. We both have one evening night and one weekend morning to do what we like with (he mostly uses his to play football, I sleep in at the weekend and see friends during the week). We also have at least one weekend away each a year, and we try and get one away as a couple too. If the DC wake in the night we take it in turns to get up with them. Whoever notices it needs doing does the dishwasher and wipes down the sides. He vacuums at the weekend,

Dh works 5 days a week and I work 2 evenings. When he is at work then the dc's are my responsibility and vice versa. When we are both off then it's 50/50. He doesn't do the mental load to do with the kids but he does all the practical stuff such as nappy changes, baths, bedtimes, keeping them amused etc (we ffed both dc's so he did his share of night feeds as well).

I do most of the housework but he cooks whenever he's not at work (3 nights a week) and keeps the kitchen clean. He also hoovers, mops, sorts the bins out, all DIY, anything to do with the garden and random things like scrubbing the skirting boards or cleaning out the fridge when he sees it needs doing. Tbf I think he does his fair share of housework as he works 50-60 hours per week and I work 13 so I don't mind doing most of it because I'm here to do it.

does more than most dads

What planet is your DH from? You sound lovely OP and a great mother. On the other hand, your DH is massively taking the pee. My sister got sick of the golf and she put her DH's golf shoes on the fire when he fell asleep in front of the fire. He got the message.

He is definitely talking bollocks. One day a weekend to play golf for most of the day!!! Do you get the whole of the other weekend day to go out by yourself? Thought not.

You've got yourself a selfish husband, sorry. He needs to step up and be a modern dad.

DH does: all laundry (including my delicate stuff which goes on a different cycle and has to be line dried), all grocery shopping, school runs and after school childcare, makes boys lunches, organises play dates, cooks dinner if I am running late, keeps on top of house cleaning/tidying, finances, recycling, DIY, house maintenance, garden maintenance, brings me coffee in bed every morning, general family taxi service (my car and bike are currently off road)...

I also do karate several hours a week, usually with the boys so DH gets some downtime.

Your DH needs to step up a bit!

(I woh part time, wfh part time, study part time; DH wfh and has been the sahp since the boys were babies).

Oh and he did all the night wakings when I went back to work. Still does though they’re much rarer now and usually involve illness (which he deals with and cleans up after).

It could definitely be more equal!! We had similar issues and it did help when I pointed out my husband would have a better relationship with our son if he did more. And going back to work forced his hand too.

Currently he does all driving duties, drop off and collects from his mum's (our childcare) and he also does the bulk of our cooking. He is in charge of dinner and bathtime at weekends, I do every bedtime as it is faster when I do it. We do a weekend morning each so the other can sleep, and there's a dad playgroup near us once a month which they both enjoy. I do the bulk of housework and childcare but I only work 3 days a week to his 5, and he does the bulk of the laundry and all the ironing. I think it's a fairly even split now although I'd like a little more help with the cleaning!

It did take a year to get to this point though and lots of emotionally fraught discussions (me sobbing, him sulking). He has a hobby which takes up the equivalent of a whole working day which he does from time to time on a Saturday, I struggle with this but in return I make sure I go out for dinners and drinks with my friends more. There's room for improvement, sure, but it is possible to split the load more than you have currently! Good luck!

This is what my DH did/does:

• took 1 month off work after the birth (2 weeks paternity leave and 2 weeks annual leave)
• did almost all nappy changes in that month (and still does most nappy changes when we are both around)
• waited on me hand and foot for the first few weeks when DS breastfed constantly (tongue tie)
• did and still does half the night wakings, and takes it turns with me to have a lie in
• when I went back to work (part time) after maternity leave, he went part time (4 days a week) so he looks after DS by himself 1 day a week
• does the vast majority of the cooking and lots of jobs around the house
• takes turns with me to look after DS in the evening or at the weekend if one of us wants some child-free time

He most certainly doesn't bugger off to play golf for one day every weekend. He wouldn't be my DH if he did.

I would say every other Saturday for him to play golf, then you take the alternate free Saturdays to do whatever you would like to do, then sundays as family days?

It's the golf taking all day at the weekend that's way out of order. The rest is open to interpretation I would say, but why the he'll should he get all that time to himself every 7 days and you get nothing?

Oh I forgot he also does the vast majority of baths, DS has about 3 baths a week and they are daddy's job

I breastfed so it's been nice for them to have their thing too

I work Tuesday-Saturday and Dh works Mon-Fri.

Tues-Fri mornings, Dh doesn’t do anything except being me coffee, gets ready and goes to work.

I make the beds, open curtains, do dishwasher, put laundry in and make sure the boys are ready for school. Then I drop them at school before going to work.

In the evenings, Dh leaves work earlier than me so he gets off the bus at 5.30pm outside after school club, picks up the boys and walks the 10 minutes home. Once gone he gets the dc started with homework, cooks dinner and makes lunches for the next day. He sorts the bins out and cleans the kitchen. I get home about 10 minutes after them and I hang out the washing while dh is cooking.

On a Saturday while I’m at work, Dh has the kids, takes them to their swimming lessons and the park, does the grocery shopping, finishes up any laundry that didn’t get done in the week and vacuums. He makes sure dinner is ready for when I get home at 6pm

I clean bathrooms, dust and do whatever else needs doing on a Monday.

Thinking about it, I probably do 60% housework to 40% children and Dh does 60% children to 40% housework. That’s because my day off on a Monday while the kids are at school is mostly housework, whereas dh’s day off on the Saturday is mostly childcare.

Sundays are saved for family day, no housework to be done on sundays.

My DH is in the military and spends a lot of time away from home in big chunks. So during those times, I do everything. I live a trek away from family so have no immediate help on that front.
When he is here, it’s a pretty standard 8-5 working day most of the time, so he will usually get up with the DCs (3.5 and 2) in the morning and sort them out with breakfast while I drag myself out of bed (early stages of pregnancy with DC3, and the sickness is real!! ). Then I’m flying solo until he comes home around 5. I will have started cooking dinner by then, so I’ll finish up with that and wrangle the DCs to the table while he sorts himself and his kit out from the day. He washes all the dishes every night without fail - purely because he knows I hate doing it!
We share the load at bedtime. We put the DCs in the bath together, let them play, then DH usual takes care of getting Dd into pjs, I’ll get DS dressed then we all read a story together in our bed. DH usually puts Dd to bed (he’s clearly her favourite parent!) and I put DS to bed.
All in all, considering he works full time, he does his fair share when he’s home. I can’t complain

My DH used to play a lot of sports including all day ones like golf and cricket. When we were planning for me to move in and have a baby I said I wouldn't if he was going to keep playing those as it wasn't fair to me or children if he's absent half the weekend. So he picked his favourite and does that as it's much less time away.
DH does: all cooking, food shop, all laundry, bins, family admin, school admin for older kids (my dsc), school lunches.
I do: washing up, general cleaning and tidying, dd school admin
We share: bedtime, drop off and pick up, meal planning, taking kids to activities etc, getting dd ready for school.
Usually DH gets up with dd at the weekend and makes all our breakfast while I get an extra 30 mins in bed.

So yeah, your DH definitely isn't doing as much as many dads are.

My DH is usually out of the house 7.00Am-7.30pm Monday to Friday. He has our son from 6.30-7.00 so I can get ready in peace.

He doesn't see him in the evenings as he's in bed, but he cooks dinner as often as I do. He does whatever I ask him around the house (his one bit of uselessness is not being able to "see" tasks). We have a cleaner, so we don't have to argue over that. And he deals with bins and recycling. I deal with life admin as am home during the day.

Saturdays and sundays he is "designated parent", so does all nappies, food, naps and bath and bed. Obviously we both go out by ourselves at points, so I still have our son if he has plans.
He used to do night feeds Friday and Saturday nights, and wednesdays (?) in the early days when there were more night feeds going on (bottle fed baby.)

He really genuinely loves being a dad!

Dp used to be out of the house 9 house (from dawn) but would:- pick eldest ds from school, bath most nights, load and unload dishwasher, washing machine and tumble dryer, and so all ironing. Feed, change, play with baby ds at every opportunity (we used to have the ‘i’ll do it, no i’ll Do it’ argument over everything to do with ds. He’d take him out every day come rain or shine, in his snow suite and sling, wrapped inside dp’s big coat to walk the dogs. He’d take him down his mums on the weekend whilst I mopped and disinfected the floors downstairs. He was and still is a total hands on dad, even though we are no longer together. Still sees him everyday. Spends all weekend with him.

I’m a SAHM with a 3 year old and a 9 month old. DH is out of the house 6am-9pm Monday through Friday, so I’m pretty much flying solo during the week.

However, he’s still very hands on and whenever possible he does housework, childcare and cooking. All without prompting. For example, before he leaves the house in the morning, he’ll empty the clean dishwasher when he wakes up and often makes our breakfast, so it’s ready straightaway when we come downstairs. When he comes home at night, if I’m still cleaning, he’ll grab a mop and finish the kitchen floor and often hangs up the wet laundry and folds the dry clothes on the rack.

He’s going to the supermarket tonight, so that I don’t have to do it tomorrow with the kids in tow.

On weekends, he actually does more than me, as he does all of the cooking then too. He does bath/bed for our 3 year old on Saturdays and Sundays, which I love, as I can just focus on the baby who is still ebf (and like you, wakes 3-4 times a night).

Your H doesn’t sound hands on at all! He sounds quite selfish. I wouldn’t be having more children with him, as it sounds like you will be left to manage it all alone. It’s a handful going from 1 to 2 kids and that’s with a DH who helps.

We try our best for 50 50 home stuff even when I was on mat leave
I meal plan and he orders food and puts away. I cook and we both clean up. We put one kid each to bed. He needs less sleep than me and is a morning person so does more night wakes than me, when it's bad though illness or something we take it in turns. He gets up every morning with the kids. At the weekend it's 50 50 really. Neither of us seem to get much down time at the moment - a cohple of hours in the evening before bed. He does a hobby maybe one evening and one day at the weekend which takes under 2 hours each time which I don't mind as I've had more sleep and that's what I use my down time for. Sometimes if he's tired he'll have a nap instead.

We never really spoke about it but if one person is busy the other tends to do the same amount of work and we try and make sure we get the same amount of down time or hobby time though he is much stricter about actually taking it than me. We both have equal nights out with our friends.

Now I'm back at work we do equal drop off pick up and days off for sick kids

The thing about taking a whole day at the weekend is that it means you can't do the same unless you actually don't want any time together as a family. So that's not very fair. No matter how much you love being a mum, it can feel very stifling and boring doing to same thing every day and the feeling of being responsible for everything on you own at home can become overwhelming

My eldest now is equally comfortable with either of us if she gets upset, if she's sick, if she wakes up in the night, which is a reflection I think of how much time she spends with her dad (the baby still wants me more as she was so used to being with me on maternity leave)

I shared paternity leave with my husband with both of mine while I went back to work. I really think it should be a mandatory use it or lose it thing for fathers / secondary carers so they know just what it's like when you're looking after kids and how you need a break!

I know some on who plays golf but not for this amount of time. I don't think it sounds good. Yes ok to have hobbies, but this is taking the piss.

Ridiculous. We do 50/50. Yes I did slightly more on mat leave obviously as home all the time but weekends and evenings were shared.

I can't remember much about how we did things at night when our two were babies, but I definitely remember my husband doing the nappy change after a feed fairly often. We alternated bath and bed in the evenings while the other did the washing up.

When I went back to work at the end of my maternity leave, we both went down to four days a week and had a day at home on our own. If one of us went out in the evening, we would usually make sure we didn't leave until the kids were in bed and the tidying up done.

Neither of us had hobbies that took loads of time away at weekends, it was only running or something or looking round the shops (my husband). Other than that we'd mooch around the house or go somewhere as a family.

Now our two are teenagers we do more hours, but both leave early a couple of days a week so someone is around after school. They don't need us so much, but we are there if they do and can catch up a bit on the housework and cook the tea.

My dp plays football 2 nights a week and then all day Saturday. He does a night shift on a Saturday night and works 5 days during the week. I generally do all the housework and everything for the kids. 8 years down the line and I've finally got to the end of my tether and told him if he wants to have so much time for his hobby he needs to help at home more, so recently has started doing a bit more around the house. I had been asking for years for, he would do a couple of thi vs and then just go back to the way he was. I told him this time if I was to live a life like a single parent who works full time then I wpuld be doing it properly and he would be gone.

He did share night feeds though, mostly half and half but ds2 was no bother to feed at night, took a bottle and went straight back to sleep everytime.