Couples who both work FT - tell me your secrets!

[ohthursday]

DC is not even that young but my god, life feels like a never ending struggle.

The house is constantly messy (clean, we have a cleaner), but messy.

My car has needed screen wash since Monday but I haven't had a chance to get any between work and then rushing back for DC.

I seem to be constantly on the back foot with remembering to send birthday cards, keeping up with replying to texts, firefighting finances, has the DC remembered their homework, blah blah. Dinner times are almost always a case of opening the freezer and seeing what's easy to cook.

Honestly I feel like I'm on the edge of collapse and come the weekend I'm declining invitations as I don't want to be doing anything bar being at home.

Is this normal or am I somehow making this too hard?! Tell me how you juggle everything, PLEASE.

What is your DP doing about this?

DP works full time with a commute. He works from home wherever he can to lighten the load but that hasn't been for a few months now. He tries to get back on time but even just working his core hours, he's gone from 7.30-7.30.

We both pitch in equally at weekends and he does cook if he's home before I've started dinner.

Cut out the keep up replying to texts! Who is texting and why are they so important that they stop you making sure you are safe in the road (screen wash).

^^ semi serious but you.get my point.

Lists are your friend.

Is this important and urgent - top of list.
Is this urgent but not important - 2nd
Is this important but not urgent - 3rd
Not important not urgent - 4th or not even on the list.

Make sure whole family pulls their weight.

Sounds about right I'm afraid. Some marvellous planners make it look easier but I constantly feel pulled in different directions.
I'm successful in my career but am constantly juggling life

We both pitch in equally - he cooks, tidies and does laundry (we have a cleaner too). I order grocery deliveries, do the finances, buy the cards and presents and organise holidays and work on the house.

I work from home one day a week so schedule things like car repairs and tradespeople visits for those days. We have a shared lists app and a shared calendar with colour coded entries according to whose appointment it is.

Childcare pick ups and drop offs are shared equally.

We batch cook so that we can have at least one freezer meal a week and we meal plan so that we always know what’s for dinner.

The most important thing is that DH is my absolute partner and equal in all of this, we work as a team.

It’s hard and sometimes we are exhausted but we’re holding our shit together I think, just about.

No secrets here. We just muddle along the best we can.

Both work FT, one DC in full time nursery. It helps that they feed him. My secrets are:

• All life admin (finances, renewing insurance, making appointments etc) is done at work. I have an office job where I can get away with that. I also do work outside of the office at home so I don’t feel guilty.

• Cleaner - means we don’t need to do more than wipe down kitchen sides and run the vacuum round when it’s looking particularly crumby

• shared iPhone calendars. Literally everything goes in the calendar (social meet ups, work events and travel, birthdays with reminders that pop up a week in advance, DS birthday parties, stupid dress up days at nursery etc) and there’s no arguing about it - if it’s not in the calendar it’s not happening.

I haven’t quite managed to sort feeding ourselves well though. Every few months I try to get organised and meal plan and batch cook and it only lasts a few weeks until we revert to freezer/pick up ready meal on the way home. Oh well, I am organised about nearly everything else.

Its hard but you sound like you're making it harder for yourself.
First, why hasn't your car got screenwash in the washer bottle?
Birthday cards. Reduce the amount that you send. Once a month go onto moonpig and send the cards that you need to for that month.
Cooking. School dinners for child with a light meal at hometime, for you and your DH something simple such as stir fry, jacket potato with salad and salmon, chicken etc.
Invest in a slow cooker if you don't already have one, utilise it once a week or so for a stew etc.
Tell your child and DH to clear their own stuff away or you will clear it into a dustbin for them.
Finances. Direct debit and Standing Order for everything, set them to come out on the same date of each month.

Depending on the age of your kids it sounds like maybe they can help now too.

Also does your partner drive or take the train for his commute? He could definitely take on some of the admin and in lunchtimes and breaks too. A few phone calls, online shopping and admin tasks and you would feel much lighter. Additionally he could meal plan and batch cook at weekends regardless of his job and commute

You’re struggling because you haven’t divided the tasks up equally and he’s getting a much easier ride on mental load. Get Wunderlist, put all regular and reoccurring jobs in there as well as adhoc ones, shopping lists can go in too as well as reminders to renew insurance. Pick who does what and then let that task leave your brain.

Massive juggle. Cleaner twice a week, gardener, ironing outsourced and a whole load of other stuff.

One thing I did do was lower my expectations. So I do 2 batch cooks on a Sunday- a stew and a chicken for example that feed us Sunday/ Monday/ Tuesday (plus freezer). On a Wednesday we have beans and a baked potato or toast or scrambled egg. And on a Friday we have some that’s a shove in the oven meal.
It is not easy. Frozen or preprepared veg are your friend. Especially lazy garlic and frozen onions. I can get a spag Bol in the pot on a Sunday in ten minutes
Also a ten minute tidy every night. I never go to bed with dishes out or the toys a mess.

No secrets here either.

We don't clean much, except on Sunday night before the nanny comes on Monday.

We both have our jobs. I do all the cooking and shopping. DH does the laundry.

Flexibility in work is very important. We both work long hours, but we can do at least some of that in the evening when the DCs go to bed. That helps a lot.

Also, before I went back to work I expanded my repertoire of quick meals (on the table in less than 30 mins).

Ive seen Moonpig and the likes recommended on here to keep track of birthdays etc and to get cards sorted quickly and in the post all in one go.

We cope by online shopping, dejunking the house on a regular basis. Clothes to recycling or to younger relatives, toys in good storage that they can be thrown into at the end of the day, broken bits thrown away and stuff they’ve grown out of moved on. Actually when it comes to toys the best tip I have is to either buy the stuff that relatives give them at Christmas/birthdays or tell them what to buy. That way I can keep a handle on the size and amount of stuff and also try to make sure it fits with what they already have eg more trains or extra track rather than a whole new set of duplicates of what they already have.

I also keep a basket handy and throw stuff that is out of place in it to be put back where it should be.

The biggest factors i see in creating mess are having too much stuff and/or a lack of good storage for what you do want.

Meal wise I cut myself some slack. Sometimes scrambled eggs or bacon or baked beans will do in a pinch. Microwave jacket potatoes, micro rice and fresh pasta with something like pesto and Parmesan are all ready quickly with minimal effort. I will also cook peas or broccoli in a bowl of water in the microwave also. During the weekend I will make more of an effort to batch cook a bolognese sauce. Slow cooker also handy for making up larger portions of stew or casserole.

You also need to bring your husband on board with as much as he can feasibly do. Mine cleans the kitchen every night, sorts bins, gets the kids breakfast and makes and packs lunches etc. I try very much to have as fair a division of labour as humanly possible while cutting each other some slack at busy times.

Can you take a day off for yourself. Spend half the day relaxing outside the house - massage/coffeee and cake and the afternoon making a plan of action.

• Look ahead in the calander as see who birthdays are coming up and then later go to Card Factory and buy cards for the next 3 months.

-For children’s parties buy a couple of packs of generic cards and bulk buy from Argos, Sainsbury or Amazon a load of age appropriate, gender neutral gifts.

• Shop online - have a set day for delivery
• Add things to your online grocery order as soon as you run out for things not needed regularly eg screen wash for things you need regularly eg toiletries keep one spare in the house but as soon as you open the spare add to your online order
• at weekends have one family day and a day we’re DH split the day in half. You spend the morning with the kids and the afternoon doing house stuff while DH does the opposite.
• Make a two week meal plan. When you get bored of that start to branch out but a list in your shared notes of meal ideas organised in groups.
• Try a few slow cooker meals
• Have a family meeting with DH once a fortnight to compare calendars and look at things coming up so you know what is happening.
• On a Sunday night get 5 outfits ready for you for throughout the week
• Does your cleaner do your ironing?

All these things help me but in the end I became a SAHM but that was more about my ridiculous place of work.

Why are you fire fighting finance? What’s happening there?

No advice sorry. I was the same as you OP so in the end I admitted defeat and went part time a few months ago - it just got too much. Obviously not everyone has that option.

I'm constantly amazed by these DPs who think that working 7.30-7.30 gives them a complete opt-out of domestic life.

I'm a FT working single parent (with commute) and I do all the other stuff as well.

Does he commute by train? Then he can (by the wonders of modern technology) do finances, send birthday cards, do online shopping for groceries and presents, do school admin, meal plan and so on. He could also take a turn batch cooking at the weekend so that he's done a turn of producing a few meals for weekdays.

Screen wash - surely just stop at a garage with kids in car and buy some and put it in?

And prioritise - safety, kids, you and dh first, then everyone else can wait. What are all the invitations at the weekend? Keeping up with texts?

My top tip is to buy a weeks worth of uniform so it is all hanging up as outfits. Have a box 'of last resort' with cash, envelopes, stamps, tie (if your kids wear them), teabags, uht milk, pens/pencil, tights, hairbrush - anything that runs out or goes missing when needed. I also polish and put away the last pair of school shoes so they are around if a shoe goes missing as they can squeeze in for one day.

A massive change for us has been having a second cleaner visit a week where she declutters and tidies. So no more chaotic kitchen cupboards, ds's drawers are neat without random socks or stuff that patently doesn't fit, utility room is organised. My stress levels are so much lower!

Amazon prime is your best friend here. Anything you need as soon as you think of it you order and it’s done - no mental load and no lists.
Set times for homework - mine do it alone and I check it quickly and go over anything they didn’t get right but I don’t sit with them so not my time being used.
We also meal plan and use microwave rice but of the above amazon prime saves me the most

I found it so hard too and now work two days a week. I got really stressed working full time and missed my daughter.

I have no secrets either.

My DC are young teens and I work from home (self employed). This often sounds perfect to people but the truth is I work long erratic hours and I'm finding it harder than ever and really chasing my tail constantly.

My DH doesn't get home until 7.30pm and often works a Saturday too. However, he does all the standard laundry, changing bed linen, tidying, hoovering and diy. He also organises most finances (via online in his lunch hour) and arranges tradesmen etc.

I do all school admin, school visits, healthcare organisation, shopping, cooking, birthdays, Christmas etc.

The homework situation is getting easier. Dd organises it all herself. Ds is younger and still not as organised so I check it once a week. I'm afraid occasionally he's been in a few sticky situations for not doing his hw on time but it's a learning curve for him.
Dd14 has started cooking the whole family an evening meal. She uses Instagram for recipients and has cooked some lovely stuff. She uses the dishwasher and ds is strong armed into clearing up.

Weekends are rarely booked up with much. If Fi go out it's as a family to something relaxing like meal and cinema. If I want to catch up with friends I do a late evening coffee/drink in the week.
Everything is written in the calendar. It's not real unless it's written there.

And yes to pp, Amazon prime is my friend for pretty much everything except groceries.

There's no easy answers, but yes OP I think your feelings and tiredness are very normal.

I buy screenwash as part of my online grocery shop.

I do two smaller online shops a week £40-50ish rather than one big one, means there's always fresh stuff in and much less waste.

Meals are either extremely quick and low prep (Thai green curry, stir fry etc) or bung it all in the oven and forget about it for an hour or so (e.g whole chicken with jacket potatoes, frozen batch cooked lasagne). I batch cook occasionally when I get time.

I find next is great for last minute presents, if you order before midnight you can get next day delivery and they sell a wide range if games/gifts etc (and wrapping paper). I've given up on Amazon, even prime seems to be minimum 2 day delivery now.

I've just got an Alexa and making good use of that to make shopping lists and add stuff to calendars.

We did live in this scenario for 18 years, though life as an empty nester is far less frantic. My top tips would be

1. Buy everything you can on Amazon - floor polish, kitchen surface cleaner, batteries etc. so you never need to go into a shop unless you want to
2. Internet food shop.
3. Keep as tidy as you can through the week but the cleaner is there to clean so don't bother about toothpaste in the basins or a grubby toilet.
4. Put all your clothes and your children's clothes out the night before.
5. If you can do all your domestic admin at work.
6. If you have the energy to cook properly make enough for 2 nights and just accept that fish fingers potatoes and broccoli is a meal other wise. We lived on healthy but very quick and ordinary meals for years.
7. Don't overlook getting cars and appliances serviced, the repercussions if you don't are disruptive and expensive.

It will all end one day and you will be sitting serenely with a glass of wine on Friday evening, wondering if the DC's will call you.

I've said this before, how does a house get messy when everyone is out all day? There is no one in to make a mess. So this just doesn't compute with me. Weekends on the other hand are chaos with everyone in.

Everyone's useful tips seem to include spending money. Moonpig - £4 a card, card factory = £3 for a quid, plus stamps. Abolish cards, I did years ago. No ones complained, in fact they are relieved. Why do you need to send cards to people to (a) share a house with (b) talk to regularly ? ecard or text, if its your mother, flowers instead.

And the assumption everyone has iphones

The assumption everyone has internet access at work

Farm out the ironing. I know MN like the crumpled look and apparently no one irons, but ….

Cooking - standard fall back that you batch produce on a Sunday

• pie
• spag bol
• shepherd pie
• a pasta bake
• some form of chop/steak/breast that can be grilled

These can all be stacked in the fridge or freezer ready to pull out - frozen veg, jacket or new spuds. Sorted. Bag of salad.

The key though is routine. And two bank accounts - one with direct debits in - you transfer over to cover those, and the other account is your cash account.

Don't answer texts. People eventually stop annoying you with them

Oh goodness, joining this thread (from my desk at work) to read later - OP I am the same. I don't know if it's just me, our situation or what.

Echoing what others have said about muddling through and lowering expectations. One thing I’ve found is that I write a list of all birthdays and twice a year I go to the card factory and buy all the cards I’ll need. I then put them into my diary so they’re easy to find. I also buy a stack of children’s ones and some generic kids gifts for the parties DD gets invited to.

DH is home an hour before me, so on my work days (I work long days) he sorts the children’s tea out and this is usually something from the freezer (fish fingers, pizza) and I make a special effort to cook something more special whenever I can to make up for it.

I also write a list of anything that pops into my head... fill screenwash, buy hand soap, sort out insurance and then deal with it when I can. The main reasons for not doing these things isn’t really because you don’t have time (less than 5 mins for screenwash) it’s really just that it only pops into your mind at the worst time (no screenwash but already in the car!).

It’s hard work x