Couples who both work FT - tell me your secrets!

[ohthursday]

DC is not even that young but my god, life feels like a never ending struggle.

The house is constantly messy (clean, we have a cleaner), but messy.

My car has needed screen wash since Monday but I haven't had a chance to get any between work and then rushing back for DC.

I seem to be constantly on the back foot with remembering to send birthday cards, keeping up with replying to texts, firefighting finances, has the DC remembered their homework, blah blah. Dinner times are almost always a case of opening the freezer and seeing what's easy to cook.

Honestly I feel like I'm on the edge of collapse and come the weekend I'm declining invitations as I don't want to be doing anything bar being at home.

Is this normal or am I somehow making this too hard?! Tell me how you juggle everything, PLEASE.

I genuinely don’t understand how OP can’t find time to put screenwash in car
I became a lone parent (not by choice) when DC were 4 and 5, worked part time till they went to high school then full time
Now they are adults but I work long hours in a stressful job, look after elderly parents and still have to do all the usual chores and mental load for self and parents
DM has a cleaner DD cleans 10 hours a month for me
I still manage to go to gym twice a week and try to keep up with friends
My main way of keeping on top is getting up an hour earlier than I need to and not sitting down when I get home until everything is done!

It's really hard.

We have a 4mo baby and a DC at primary. I'm on Maternity leave at the moment but was working FT and will be going back 4 days a week. DH works FT, long hours with a long commute (1.5 hour each way).

We've had cleaners in the past but have had so many bad experiences (one stole from us, one was unreliable, a couple who just did a half arsed job) so now we do it ourselves but have had to take a bit of a "fuck it, that'll do" approach. I try to clean as I go rather than letting it build up but DH is much better at this than I am! Regular de-cluttering definitely helps.

Amazon prime is a life saver. Every so often I order a few cheapish toys/books/craft kits for birthday presents along with a big pack of generic birthday cards and stash them in a cupboard with some wrapping paper so we're never caught out.

We have a shared Google calendar for all social events, school events, appointments etc. We do most of our grocery shopping online but also have a shared grocery shopping list in Keep (a really useful app) that we update as and when so if one of us is out and about we can always see what we need and pop into the supermarket quickly.

When buying school uniform we get five of everything (we've found Asda to be the most reasonably priced) so that there's never a panic if we both have a busy week at work and aren't on top of the laundry.

DC has hot school dinner (which she loves) so only wants a lightish, cold tea in the evening. Also means I don't have to worry about making packed lunches. DH does all the cooking, I'll tidy up downstairs while he cooks dinner once DC in bed. Tends be quick and easy things in the week but he batch cooks at weekends.

Life does feel like one big juggling act sometimes. I'm lucky in that I work term time only and life is so much easier and more relaxed in the holidays.

I've said this before, how does a house get messy when everyone is out all day? There is no one in to make a mess. So this just doesn't compute with me.

My house is a tip when we leave in the morning because there's so little time to get everything done that breakfast often hasn't been cleared and the toys DS has been playing with are strewn all over the place.

I'm not sure why that's so hard to understand.

And the vast, vast majority of people of this age (parents of dependent children) do have smartphones. Penetration is well above 90%.

DC in FT nursery and we share pick ups. Have a cleaner every other week (ideally would do every week but can't afford) I work from home once a week and use my lunch hour to do laundry and run a hoover etc anyway - any car servicing/tradesmen visits we try and schedule for that day also. DH does the cooking- online shops and we meal plan quick/relatively healthy dishes for ease. TBH I do a lot of the mental admin - remembering DD appointments etc and everything goes into a shared calendar, which is helpful. It's tough, I'm knackered but it's all about teamwork at the end of the day.

Lists make me feel organised... but I'm not! So following with great interest

I work partly from home which helps, but I am also a carer for an adult with a chronic illness on top of f/t job + 2 kids.

I am in the "lower your standards" camp. I pay for other people to do stuff. I prioritise and if things are not essential I don't do them. I also don't get guilted into doing non-essential things (for eg I stopped sending cards some years ago). I'm not super organised - I don't feel any need to be superwoman - but the really important stuff gets done.

I hate cooking so we eat a lot of frozen stuff but one thing that has really made a difference is one of those "instant pot" type pressure cookers (I have a cheaper Chinese model but it works just the same). Using a pressure cooker I can make bolognaise sauce or chili con carne or chicken curry from scratch in 20 mins (use frozen veg that you don't have to chop if really short of time). And you can steam veg in 1 minute flag - plus there is less mess than doing it on the stove top. I hated my slow cooker but this thing is a godsend!

The main thing is living close to work so that the commute doesn't eat into life too much.
Both have jobs which don't expect stupid hours.
The rest is mainly organisation.
We have teens so they have set jobs (e.g. laying table and clearing away after dinner).

Clean as you go along (e.g. after dinner we wash up and clean kitchen before doing anything else).
Organisation - have list of meals we all like, so meal planning can be just picking up the list unless we fancy something different.
For non food items the rule is one in use, one in the cupboard. If you finish the one in use, you take the one out of the cupboard and write the item on the shopping list.

For food items if something is running out, you add it to the list.
Put a load of washing on at night and hang it up in the morning. Then put any dry items away before putting on the next load the next evening.
Once a fortnight we all spend an hour cleaning. that is enough to keep on top of it. And an hour every 2 weeks doesn't feel too onerous.
White board in kitchen with "things to remember this week" - assigned and crossed off.

The only way this works is if everyone does their bit. 4 kids 10-14. We also have dogs and a small farm. All out 7-7, on the same journey, we are very rural. So I get up and feed the animals and walk the dogs at 5. Dogs have lights on their collars and I walk with moonlight.

No one leaves the kitchen till supper is put away and kitchen is clean.
A couple of quick pizza type suppers a week.
Everyones capable of making a quiche/pasta.
Prepare 2 meals at the weekend for the week.
Everyone can light the fire, which does our heating.
Cleaner twice a week who also changes my sheets.

In the car on the way home I divvy up the tasks. I do the shitty farm stuff, with DH if necessary.

Everyone does task, showers, cooks, lays the table etc. Washing downstairs daily. Then we all sit down together for a proper meal. Teaching your kids how to do stuff is key.

It's tough. We sleep in at weekends and go to bed early in the week. By 10pm I'm generally on my knees.

The key to a tidy house is to have less stuff.

The thing I love about living in a flat is I never have to take anything up or down the stairs, I just fling it in the right direction.

Shortlist quick and/or easy meals to minimize thinking about the shopping list. Have an emergency on-line shop trolley of enough food etc to get you through a week, if all else you can just log in and click that trolley of goods.

Clothes that don't need ironing/easy to iron. Shake and fold children's clothes 99% of the time.

I asked my dsis this. Her answer was:
Only have 1 child
Have your mum lives next door (she does, literally) and is willing to do most of the childcare.
Make sure your dh splits all the household stuff

This wasn't going to work for me so Im part-time

Re why I haven't sorted the screen wash - DS is at home alone after school from 3.15pm. When I finish work at 5.15pm I am then rushing home to be with him as he's been on his own for 2 hours already at that point. There's only one garage and supermarket nearby, which I have been to on my lunch break but they're sold out of screen wash! I literally have no other time when I can make the longer trip to another garage to buy screenwash. I know it sounds so silly but it's how everything stands. At least when he was in childcare until 6, I had time to stop somewhere on the way home.

I think I don't help myself by resenting paying the much higher prices on Amazon Prime so I try to avoid ordering there when possible, as I could have solved the problem that way but money is tight!

And she says the key to a tidy house is to have no-one in it all day.

When the cat wants fed, the washing machine needs emptying and you haven't started cooking yet, call for a child to empty the dishwasher. I was surprised what DS could get on with once I asked him. He'll also feed the cat these days. They're not big jobs but when you have 5 or 6 of them that require to be done all at once, it's good to know you're not the only one that can do it.

Slow cooker and instant pot meals feature heavily in our organisational wins (as does making twice as much and freezing the surplus)
Every trip in the car counts for multiple reasons
Combine the kids activities with other things (shopping etc)
No one goes upstairs or downstairs empty handed. Kids in on this SOP (standard operating procedure) too.
Bulk buy cards, wrapping paper (Amazon or Card Factory)
Reduce standards slightly.
Offering help to friends and they offer help back (takes a village) asking for help when really desperate
Empower kids to do as much as appropriate for their age and ability. So DS now collects DD from school and brings her home allowing me to work longer at home so I'm there when they arrive.
Shared calendars.
DH does his fair share and also carries at least half of the mental load too.
Accepting that it won't be like this for ever.

Lists just mean another thing to remember imo. I always have an upcoming supermarket delivery booked so if we run out of something I put it straight into the next delivery, rather than write it down (to inevitably forget next time).

I keep a box of generic cards, wrapping paper, envelopes and stamps for birthdays. I also have a stash of small envelopes and a pin board near the door. School letters go on there. Once a fortnight or whenever I know there are a few to do I take cash out and sit down with all the school letters and fill in all the forms, add cash as needed and put into envelopes. We pay dinner money in cash too so this helps with that. I keep a jar in there I decant spare change into for all the “bring 20p/50p/£1” days.

I never shop in the week unless it’s a dire emergency. I’d rather bring the date forward on my booked delivery.

Team Tomm is my saviour! used in conjunction with Clean my house app! I have reminders and checklists that I can set to auto remind on set schedules. Even to which bin to put out on a Thursday night. Satisfying to check off. Sadly not across different handsets so have this installed on the family tablet.

Out of milk app for shopping and pantry lists. This is cross device syncing so either of us can add and check off items

TimeTree calendar app. Several users one calendar. A godsend!

I was a single mum, no benefits or any contributions from ex who pissed off abroad.
I had the usual mortgage, worked full time in the medical profession, never had any problems managing the day to day problems, shopping, cooking etc. Everything ran very smoothly and we were all happy. Cooked from scratch everyday to save money.

Go forward 18 years and I married someone, I still worked fulltime, husband worked when he wasn't being fired. House and garden was a tip, everything always chaotic, felt run ragged.

Got rid of husband, peace descended again, everyday is organised and everything is in it's place.

If you have a partner you need to pull together hard or it doesn't work otherwise you will go under.

Frozen or preprepared veg are your friend. Especially lazy garlic and frozen onions. I can get a spag Bol in the pot on a Sunday in ten minutes.

These have been the one thing that’s massively improved my life in the last year. Cuts food prep time way down.

I use my (train) commute for all online admin - online shop (most deliveries will do car and house stuff too), tax and banking, school admin, shopping around for insurance renewal etc.

We have a blackboard wall where we scribble things to buy as they run out and jobs that need doing.

CM feeds DC. Admin in my lunch hour. Blackboard for ongoing things. Online shopping for food. DH who pulls his weight (despite 60 hour+ week in term time). Starting to get DSs (2 and 6) to muck in even if at the moment it doesn’t save time it will in a few years time. Selection of cards, wrapping paper and neutral birthday presents for parties stashed upstairs (I also buy on offer so it’s cheaper too). I went in house to reduce my hours to FT rather than 50+ a week. Cleaner. CM paid to iron.

I am shattered but that’s because DC don’t sleep through. Once we’ve cracked that...

Oh god I’ve just remembered I have a triple birthday on Sunday and the present shelf is empty. Thank you Delurking for the reminder!

Potentially cheaper alternative with cards: buy all birthday cards in a batch once or twice a year as part of an online supermarket shop.
If anyone just sends ecards, they just get ecards back.

The ready meals available these days are so much better quality than when we were kids. If you can afford the good ones there's surely nothing to worry about there nutritionally. There is all the plastic but something has to give in this situation, and it's the producers' job to sort that when customers are really pressed for time. Just need to cook once or twice a week to help the kids learn. As they get older they will cook for themselves as they'll be home earlier.

Use washing up liquid for screen wash. Works perfectly and saves you going out specifically to buy screen wash.

Big giant calendar on wall. If it’s not in the calendar it’s not happening. Cleaner and online shopping and my dh gets his shirts washed and ironed in work so that’s his problem. I will often take a giant bag of sheets and towels to the launderette for a wash dry and fold. I use the organized mum method for general cleaning and there are set jobs to be done I.e my dh drops kids three mornings so he makes beds, puts on wash ect before he leaves the house and I do stuff when I get home.
All school uniforms and sports gear including paired socks in labeled boxes in bedrooms for easy access.
Batch cook at weekends or overnight using slow cooker or instant pot. Meal plan everything.
Buy birthday cards and stamps in bulk.

All my kids toys have set places or containers. They need to tidy everything up properly in a daily basis. If it’s not tidied up I will take it away. Harsh but everyone in my house cleans up after themselves and has done since they were able to.

Also buy yourself one of those 10 liters of screen wash so you don’t run out or use washing up liquid and water.