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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about finances with my husband?

79 replies

Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:13

I would love some help - am I about to be unreasonable over money?

I earn around 1/3 more than my husband. He works really hard but is in a sector that pays less. Everything to do with our child is split equally - nursery fees (sizeable), clothes etc.

I own our house, bought before we married. I pay the mortgage and house related bills - council tax, insurance. Other bills like TV license and internet we split between us.

He doesn’t pay me ‘rent’ or a contribution towards the house. He puts away a roughly equivalent each month, into savings. I would consider these savings ours, or at a push, his.

Our finances are changing a bit soon. I am doing more days work which means I earn more, but the childcare bill goes up. I think we should continue to split childcare 50:50. This would mean he saves less, or nothing. I would save more. He thinks I should pay more because I earn more, then he can continue to save. What is fair here?

Regarding the money he has saved. If we used that money towards my house, paying off the mortgage or renovations, he would like to start to own a share of the house. This seems reasonable. If we did something else with the savings, like bought an investment property, we would own it together, the thinking being that he had only saved it because he has lived rent / mortgage free for a long time.

What do you think? Am willing to accept that I’m not right here, and also that I have failed to understand how finances in marriage work!

OP posts:

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 06/02/2019 21:20

I would think that in event of a divorce, all money and assets in the marriage are jointly owned unless ring fenced eg your house deposit and things.

I dropped to part time to save us on childcare costs. We still get equal spending money every month because all money coming in is house money. I think that YABU if you are costing the family more money but expecting your husband to lose out.

burritofan · 06/02/2019 21:21

I would split everything proportionally according to income. He should be paying house bills and such too: split everything, just not 50:50. (Split the emotional labour and mental load 50:50, and housework! Or divide it fairly based on who has more free time.) His savings so far are his, but as long as you're together, you have a say in putting them towards a common goal – he can't spunk them all on a lads' holiday or [insert outing hobby here], for instance.

It's true he's only able to save because he's living rent-free, but conversely, he's also not able to get on the property ladder as you're already there and you live together, preventing him going off and getting a starter flat or whatever – if you split, he has his savings, you have the house, which seems equitable.

dragonsfire · 06/02/2019 21:23

My DH earns more than me bills are split in proportion to pay I pay less than him as I earn less than him.

Designerenvy · 06/02/2019 21:28

He's your DH!. Are not all funds coming into the house joint?????
. My husband works full time, I work part time, to save on child care.
My DH earns an awful lot more than me.
We have a joint account and all our money goes into this and all our bills come out of it.
We don't consider it his money or my money , it's our money. I thought most married couples did that ? Am I wrong ?
As for saying your DH is living " rent free" ....I should hope he his.
I'm really baffled by this.... am I alone ?

Poppylizzyrose · 06/02/2019 21:31

I’m baffled by “rent free” your married...

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 06/02/2019 21:31

We just sit everything 50:50.

Our wages are paid into our own accounts and we split the bills down the middle.

The only joint account we have is savings which we both put into.

MostlyBoastly · 06/02/2019 21:31

Just lump it all in together and then work it out? Very odd!

Original poster

Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:34

Thanks, this is super helpful. I / we hadn’t considered that he was kept off the property ladder in the current setup, that’s a very good point.

And I hear that I should pay more as I’m earning more too.

designerenvy we have a joint account for bills, food, holidays etc. ‘Rent free’ was a clumsy phrase - I mean he doesn’t contribute to the mortgage. Where we have some division of money is around savings, mostly because of the house ownership situation. I’m saving to pay back my mortgage. He is saving separately.

OP posts:

JasperKarat · 06/02/2019 21:34

If you earn a third more you pay a third more. As your husband he also has a claim on your house. If you're married isn't it about time to let go a little? I say this as someone who had a joint account and separate accounts with DH, but since we had DS in reality regardless of where it sits all savings and assets are joint. By all means protect the asset you had going in (a proportion of the house), but after you married things acquired are mutual, and the law supports that. It's not that he can't be bothered to work, he works hard, just your field pays more.

Original poster

Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:35

Hi poppylizzyrose yes it was a bad choice of phrase. I mean he doesn’t contribute towards the mortgage.

OP posts:

Popc0rn · 06/02/2019 21:36

Seems like a very odd set up to me tbh, especially as you are married with a baby. Surely all your money is family money rather than squabbling about what's "mine" and "his"?

mindutopia · 06/02/2019 21:37

You should pay whatever bills proportionate to your income. Honestly, I can’t imagine a scenario when you are married with children and not both paying towards your housing (a portion of the house would be his if you split anyway so he might as well contribute!).

But however you split your finances, it should be proportionate to each of your salaries. I’ve tended to pay more towards childcare, for instance, and my dh has paid more into savings and investments for both of us. We don’t have a joint account and our money is kept relatively separate (it’s just easier that way and we’re lazy). But no one pays proportionately more than the other overall if that makes sense. We just have our own bills we take care of because we’ve always done it that way.

LagunaBubbles · 06/02/2019 21:38

As much as I appreciate we all work our finances in different ways I can't get my head round a married couple with a child trying to work out how much to pay each for things like childcare.

Original poster

Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:39

Thanks JasperKarat that’s super helpful. Interesting about ‘letting go’.

We set things up this way when we were dating and he moved in. And we’ve not changed it since then, despite marriage and a child. So it would seem I am being unreasonable.

Our wages have been roughly equal until now because I was doing childcare and wasn’t working full time. But as that’s about to change I agree that something should change too.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 06/02/2019 21:39

IMHO unless there is a compelling reason you should pool money pay everything, save for goals and split the remainder equally.

I think YABU.

BeautyWasTheBeast · 06/02/2019 21:41

Everything coming into the house is joint money.
DH works full time with a higher per/hour rate, I work part time around school so earn a lot less.
All money goes into joint accounts. We pay bills and shopping and then the rest goes into joint saving but if we want or need something then it's there...but it's all shared.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 06/02/2019 21:41

My husband earns the most. I only earn a little amount. It all goes into one bank account. We share the money. I agree I thought everyone did this. I’m sure my husband would never think that I was living rent free. That’s the most bizzare thing I have ever heard.

PersonaNonGarter · 06/02/2019 21:42

I think you need to respect him a bit more. He does not live rent free, and it is not your sole house it is your family home. There’s trouble down the road if you don’t both start viewi g your resources as collective resources.

Put all your income into an account. Once everything is paid, mortgage, childcare etc, split the rest and their is your disposable income.

If you don’t like this then your marriage will be harder than it needs to be.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 06/02/2019 21:42

Jesus just pool your money - it’s so much easier and you don’t have to have any conversations about what’s fair or who pays for what! It’s so odd to do this in a marriage when legally your money is treated as pooled anyway if you split up!

Pool it all and put his name on the house and mortgage. Pay bills and everything out of joint ac and agree how much each of you can spend on entertainment/clothes/going out whatever. Done.

No more discussions about money needed.

Piewife · 06/02/2019 21:43

I don't understand why you separate specific child related expenses from other family / general living costs?

We just work out all our family outgoings and both add a fair share to the joint account each month - I pay a bit more because I earn more, and we're left without about the same amount each to spend and save.

Are you trying to keep your house for yourself in case you split up and he tries to claim a share? I can't see why you're keeping those bills separate otherwise? It doesn't sound much like a good partnership.

Designerenvy · 06/02/2019 21:44

Ok sausages... bad term of phrase I can understand. But I still don't understand how all the money isn't "family money" as a previous poster said . Everything in together and everything comes out of th ast account.
Why had the house still yours ? Is it not the family home???

Original poster

Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:44

We aren’t squabbling. Everything has been 50:50 (except for the house) so far. And we earned about the same.

This is now changing, and I had a feeling my understanding of how to change the balance accordingly wasn’t quite correct. And this thread has helped me understand this better. Thanks for the comments.

OP posts:

Designerenvy · 06/02/2019 21:46

"Jesus just pool your money"

This works....trust me -

Nothisispatrick · 06/02/2019 21:47

I agree with others that it’s rather an odd set up.

Dp and I aren’t married but when I was pregnant we opened a joint account and everything goes out of there. When we by a property this year (with a big cash injection from my parents), it will be ours, jointly.

Nothisispatrick · 06/02/2019 21:47

*buy

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