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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about finances with my husband?

79 replies

Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:13

I would love some help - am I about to be unreasonable over money?

I earn around 1/3 more than my husband. He works really hard but is in a sector that pays less. Everything to do with our child is split equally - nursery fees (sizeable), clothes etc.

I own our house, bought before we married. I pay the mortgage and house related bills - council tax, insurance. Other bills like TV license and internet we split between us.

He doesn’t pay me ‘rent’ or a contribution towards the house. He puts away a roughly equivalent each month, into savings. I would consider these savings ours, or at a push, his.

Our finances are changing a bit soon. I am doing more days work which means I earn more, but the childcare bill goes up. I think we should continue to split childcare 50:50. This would mean he saves less, or nothing. I would save more. He thinks I should pay more because I earn more, then he can continue to save. What is fair here?

Regarding the money he has saved. If we used that money towards my house, paying off the mortgage or renovations, he would like to start to own a share of the house. This seems reasonable. If we did something else with the savings, like bought an investment property, we would own it together, the thinking being that he had only saved it because he has lived rent / mortgage free for a long time.

What do you think? Am willing to accept that I’m not right here, and also that I have failed to understand how finances in marriage work! Grin

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/02/2019 21:49

Wouldn't you be both better off using his savings to pay off the mortgage so you pay less interest, use both salaries to pay it off earlier, and put it in both names? In the event of a divorce would it be split equally anyway? I think it's impossible to do it fairly unless you both own separate properties

joanmcc · 06/02/2019 21:49

I have failed to understand how finances in marriage work!

I think you've failed to understand how marriage works. What you've described is a zero sum business partnership.

Original poster
Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:50

Designerenvy - we do have the concept of ‘family money’ but I think we’ve been moving money about in a complicated way. It could be much simpler - will work that out.

The main thing i need to work out is the house. I bought it with relatives so I own it with them. Their investment needs to be protected if something did happen to my marriage (god forbid). Keeping some finances separate was an attempt at that I think, but clearly not executed well!

Perhaps I just need some advice around that element, and then the rest of everything can be pooled. Much simpler.

OP posts:
Nodancingshoes · 06/02/2019 21:50

All our money is joint in our house as are all our savings regardless of whose account it came from. Dh monthly wage pays the mortgage and bills and my weekly wage is what we live on. Anything left after food and petrol is split for entertainment funds! We have both had an inheritance in the past which went into our joint savings. The only thing that is 'mine' is the 30% deposit I paid when we first bought our house

Original poster
Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:52

Thanks nodancing yes this is what I’m trying to get at. How to handle my investment into the house (and my family’s investment). Deposit etc. My husband didn’t contribute here.

OP posts:
Nodancingshoes · 06/02/2019 21:52

I should add - that 30% would only need to be mine should we ever divorce and sell the house

Inertia · 06/02/2019 21:53

You probably need some specific professional advice about ownership of the house, because it sounds like quite a complicated situation with other relatives being involved.

I'd make that the starting point.

2birds1stone · 06/02/2019 21:53

My dh owned his own place when I moved in.

I started paying him the money I was paying for the shared place I lived in as I knew that what I could afford.

When we bought the house together I put down How much I earn and pay out on personal expenses (card bills/mobile/haircuts) and the same for him.

I then worked out how much we needed to cover all the general household.

With what we both had left over from personal I split that so we both had the same amount remaining for "personal spending" like nights out etc and also some money into savings.

As things have changed (me part tine, had a baby etc) I adjusted the household payments in accordingly to ensure the basics were covered.

My dh actually saves about £150 more than me a month and we both have £120 spending money, if we don't spend it it gets saved.

This has meant we are both paying a proportionate amount to joint bills according to our income.

Mrskeats · 06/02/2019 21:54

You don’t own your house. You a married so it’s a joint asset. What an odd attitude.

Mrskeats · 06/02/2019 21:55

*are

Redskyandrainbows67 · 06/02/2019 21:55

Ps to be truly fair - he needs to ensure you have half the savings too. Savings are hard to pool because they tend to have to be in a sole name like an isa. I would personally both have a separate isa but make sure the amounts are roughly equally and that you both can save equally with any left over income

Original poster
Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 21:57

Thanks inertia I will look at that.

I feel daft that i haven’t identified the house as the element that needed to be looked at. And that once that is agreed we can pool everything else.

I genuinely thought that we had a sensible and common of doing things money-wise. Thanks for the reality check everyone.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 06/02/2019 21:57

He is able to save load of money each month whilst you pay the mortgage on a house he would likely be entitled to half of anyway because you got married?

I'd be using both wages to pay the mortgage off quicker.

Babyroobs · 06/02/2019 21:58

This is ridiculous - you are married and have a child together yet you're quibbling over a few pounds.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 06/02/2019 21:58

On the house you can be joint tenants rather than tenants in common and document the family money coming in. Hopefully this would be enough to protect it. Unless they are on the deeds though it’s half his anueayv

Redskyandrainbows67 · 06/02/2019 21:59

Anyway

Aaaahfuck · 06/02/2019 22:01

I think you've perhaps missed the point of being married? If you don't want to share your finances just cohabit. I'm pretty certain legally any assets would be split. You might have owned the house before you got married but then if you didn't want to share then why get married?

Designerenvy · 06/02/2019 22:01

If the house is owned by you and relatives I think you need expert advise. It's not very secure for your DH or DC. Could ye both buy your relatives share and then it will be a family for ye. Maybe the savings your DH has been putting away could go towards it?

JazzyBBG · 06/02/2019 22:02

How can you have a child with someone and quibble over money? Blows my mind. Appreciate the house is yours for whatever reason but seriously grow up.

category12 · 06/02/2019 22:04

You're married so he has a claim on all the marital assets, including the house. You need to stop thinking of it as yours, it should be "ours".

You should work out how much you need for all your bills and household expenses and pay in proportion to your incomes. Savings should be joint and considered part of your joint outgoings. Whatever's left divide into your spends, his spends and family spends.

Original poster
Sausages18 · 06/02/2019 22:06

Thanks redsky that is super helpful.

babyroobs and others - we are absolutely not quibbling, there are no arguments over money. The current setup was something we both devised (badly, it seems)

We are a good partnership with an equal split of work, cleaning, washing, cooking, emotional labour. The mental load is split pretty fairly. We both think a lot about the relationship and how not to take each other for granted. There has been a degree of overthinking it would seem when it comes to money, and I’m glad to have this opportunity to re-evaluate Smile

OP posts:
Mondaytiredeyes · 06/02/2019 22:18

My situation has some similarities however the way we do it is a lot different. I earn about 1/3 more than DH, we both work full time and he has a second job as well (hobby that turned into a job). But I still earn a lot more than him.
The house is technically his, I met him and he owned it and I moved into it. However the house is ours, it’s where we raise our children so there is no his / hers.
Our wages going into one pot, we have debts mortgage childcare and this all comes out of the same pot... we then buy what we need, ie makeup hair done.. him golf things etc.
It’s a real team effort, we never talk about the fact I earn more.. or that’s its technically his house as it’s all swings and roundabouts.. he used to earn more... now he doesn’t and I’m sure if the future this could change again.

Iflyaway · 06/02/2019 22:25

Have you got what my mum used to call A Runaway Fund?

You are vulnerable now with a baby.

Why is he not paying on the mortgage? he doesn’t contribute to the mortgage

I’m saving to pay back my mortgage. He is saving separately.
What for?

I hope you have ring-fenced your house for you and DC if it comes to it.

Sorry to be unromantic. :-) I am a LP. Anyone of us could find ourselves there. You owe it to your future self(ves) to take care of stuff when/if the shit hits the fan, so to speak.

BIgBagofJelly · 06/02/2019 22:26

Bloody hell you sound like housemates not husband and wife. I would just have wages paid into a joint account for joint household bills childcare etc. Savings then go into a separate account and if you want to keep personal accounts you transfer the same amount of spending money to them each month. I'm surprised you married him if you wanted to keep all your assets and earnings separate.

79andnotout · 06/02/2019 22:27

Hi OP we have a pretty similar set up to you, but the difference is we are not married and don't have children. The plan would be to shift from the financial set up you currently have to combining everything and everything being joint finances if/when we have kids (and therefore get married, as we would if we had a child).

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