AIBU about finances with my husband?

[Sausages18]

I would love some help - am I about to be unreasonable over money?

I earn around 1/3 more than my husband. He works really hard but is in a sector that pays less. Everything to do with our child is split equally - nursery fees (sizeable), clothes etc.

I own our house, bought before we married. I pay the mortgage and house related bills - council tax, insurance. Other bills like TV license and internet we split between us.

He doesn’t pay me ‘rent’ or a contribution towards the house. He puts away a roughly equivalent each month, into savings. I would consider these savings ours, or at a push, his.

Our finances are changing a bit soon. I am doing more days work which means I earn more, but the childcare bill goes up. I think we should continue to split childcare 50:50. This would mean he saves less, or nothing. I would save more. He thinks I should pay more because I earn more, then he can continue to save. What is fair here?

Regarding the money he has saved. If we used that money towards my house, paying off the mortgage or renovations, he would like to start to own a share of the house. This seems reasonable. If we did something else with the savings, like bought an investment property, we would own it together, the thinking being that he had only saved it because he has lived rent / mortgage free for a long time.

What do you think? Am willing to accept that I’m not right here, and also that I have failed to understand how finances in marriage work!

Christ sake. You're married, It's a HOUSEHOLD INCOME. It doesn't (or shouldn't matter) who earns more. You both contribute to the 'pot' . If one of you gets a pay rise, brilliant, the pot goes up.

The bills get paid out of the pot, you can both take some (if there is any, which you sound lucky enough to have) for your own 'no questions asked' spends.

Personally, I think it's a bit shit that you've paying everything 50/50. And a bit juvenile. Sounds more like a student house set up than a marriage !

How to handle my investment into the house (and my family’s investment). Deposit etc. My husband didn’t contribute here.

Tough, you got married, it's half his now, as his savings are half yours.

That's kind of the point of marriage.

Pool all your money, accept he owns half the house (the comment above about the 'property ladder' is bonkers) and allow yourselves each an amount of personal money each month, the same for each of you.

From the pooled money, pay the bills, fund the holidays, and then work out what you can save jointly,put that away each month into whatever is the best account you can find at the time. Doesn't matter whose name it is in.

This is so fucking unbelievable. Why bother to get married when you insist on every cent be tracked on some ridiculous spreadsheet. You're MARRIED. You are supposed to be a united team, yet you quibble over "I pay this much", "You pay that much." It's absolutely absurd.

I earn a lot more than DH and as my salary has increased he has dropped his hours and condensed his working week to reduce childcare expenses.

I would.never pool money as other have described. We have separate bank accounts and a joint saving account. We are both sensible with money and I trust him. If I have a salary increase we have a chat about what to do with it and decide if the split is still fair. We split any bonus 50%. We are happy with the arrangements and have never argued about money.

Definitely get advice about the house and have an honest chat about savings, bills and the future. In this circumstance I'd suggest you should pay more.

Pretty much most “cash” purchases come from our own accounts, direct debits, standing orders come out of the joint account.

So keep your own accounts for your wages to be paid into.
pay the mortgage from your own account.

Work out all household bills/costs including some joint savings for family/house expenses.
Pay all of these from the joint account

Decide what proportion of the bills you can/want to pay..
it used to be 50:50 fir us, but now I’m PT, I pay about a third.
We both pay into a joint savings account via the joint bills account, and also have our own savings accounts.

Hey bigbag

We don’t want to keep them separate, although may need to look at some separation around the house share that isn’t mine.

It’s more that they were separate and we hadn’t worked out properly how to merge. Or indeed that people did merge. Thanks for the suggestions.

Thanks SparkOfJoy that’s a very interesting perspective.

@amicissimma

Savings tax not that relevant now you can earn £1k/£500pa tax free depending if you're a high rate or basic rate tax payer, plus each put £20k pa tax free into an ISA. Not many people reach those amounts annually, at a guess.

I agree that I’ve not got this right. But some of the posts are now swearing, insulting or suggesting my husband and I are not united in our relationship, and i don’t think that’s called for.

Thanks for those who have taken the time to explain their setup or opinions with patience and kindness I’ve found it extemely helpful and we’ll be making some changes.

When dh and I got married I earnt more and it was my house. We had a prenup re my capital. Then we moved and nominally I had more capital. Within a year or two we considered ourselves equal partners. Then I gave up work and it all evened out. Years later I went back to work and after a few years earnt a tiny fraction of his earnings. By then we had two homes and a lot of assets.

I'm so glad we never kept a spreadsheet and dh has never asked me for 6% of the council tax. Just as as soon as I went back to work I never asked him for 94% of the cost of the dc's shoes.

))whispers(( we've never had a joint account or questioned each others savings. But if I was skint or he was skint we'd help each other. Well no need now but we would have.

My (now) DH and I don't have a joint account for everything. We have a joint account for bills and we both put the same in each month, we have a joint savings account and then we have our own accounts.

If the joint account runs short we just add in the same amount each. If I need money or he does we send it to each other. A joint account wouldn't work for us so if separate accounts work better for you keep them

Joint account works for us! We never owe each other anything and we don't have to worry about how to split bills etc. Any savings are our savings. Cant imagine having separate accounts now.

You should pay for the additional childcare or if your extra salary.

Regarding the money he has saved. If we used that money towards my house, paying off the mortgage or renovations, he would like to start to own a share of the house.

He owns half the house anyway as you’re married. If you split it would be divided between you equally.

I find it fascinating how couple sort out finances, especially when married.

In this house, both of our wages go into joint account. Then the same amount of money each gets transferred into our own accounts. That money is to do whatever we want with individually, it's the same amount so we both have the same lifestyles... he tends to spend most of his on a big lads night out once a month and save up for a couple of weekends away with his mates, I spend mine mostly on coffee shops and spas and an annual holiday with my girlfriends.
Everything else, so bills , mortgage, petrol, cars , and any social thing that we attend together, comes out of the joint account. I can't think of a fairer way to be equal in our relationship.

It sounds as though you might need to consult with a Solicitor regarding your mortgage/house ownership and to get it all put on the right footing. Is it only one other person who has part ownership of the house with you? If you ever were to divorce then how would the property assets be divided? Have you made a Will? This would surely all come out in conversation with a Solicitor as I know ours asked about things we'd never thought of.

And OP well done on your level headed response posts , you are clearly wanting to figure out what is the best solution for you , your DH and your relationship. It takes guts to recognise that change is needed, especially when it will likely benefit someone else more than you.

Some of these posters are nasty fuckers, get back to your caves.

It's funny there was a recent thread on here, we're someone said they had separate accounts and was always told on MN that her and DHs money was 'family money' otherwise what was the point of getting married. Most posters said they had never seen that on here, just look at this thread!!!

I don't think you should automatically pool your money or that it's 'family money'. I think you should pay for the increase in childcare, have roughly the same spending money, he should pay towards household costs and everything else you should do to suit you. You don't have to have a joint account if you're married. Everyone works out their finances differently.

Personally I would try to pay off the mortgage earlier using BOTH of your savings once you have got advice on the houseowners situation.

I have been with my DH for a long time and everything is pooled. It helps that we don’t have any complicated arrangements and earn in the same ballpark although that may not last. However, it is the only way things would work for me - we are a team.

Some people split finances which is ok too. I can see the sense in your structuring things so he can save whilst you keep your property. My personal view as to what is fair in this situation is to ensure that each half has the same available spending money and has equal access to financial security regardless of their respective earnings. This only works of course if both parties are contributing equally in effort - even if not in monetary terms.

Good luck in figuring it out!

It would be fairer if you moved and bought a house between you. Then he has an interest in your home, and feels an equal partner.

I owned a house. When I married I sold the house and bought one with my new husband, so that we both appreciated our home as a joint asset, responsibility and can both take pleasure in it together.

They are all marital assets, the house, the savings. If you stay together you will both have them and if you split up they will be divided. It doesn't really matter whose name the savings are held in unless one of you is thinking of blowing them on something just for themselves that won't become an asset like a luxury holiday.

There are loads of positives here op

1. You were keen to be fair over the changes and sought views on that
2. You’ve realised change is required
3. Talking about a change in set up with your oh - especially if likely to become more integrated and even is going to bring you closer and be good for your relationship
4. You’ll end up with a fairer and easier set up (and save money hopefully)

There are lots of different ways of working your finances. You just have to get something that works for you.
We have a joint account to cover all household costs/joint costs / holidays/ childcare / activities etc. We both pay in different amounts, DH more as he earns more. I keep £1k a month in my personal account for my own spending, he has more as he earns more. Some people will disagree with this, but works for us.
I'm going off on maternity leave so he will pay in even more to joint account and top up my personal account each month where I am under for SMP.
We both like to have our own 'personal' money that we can spend how we please.