To think DH is being unreasonable

[spaghetticats]

Name change as quite personal.

I have really wanted to start a family for some time now as we are married and settled and largely happy! DH always agrees with the principle but says ‘in a few years when we have more money’ and gets stressed we can’t afford children.

I’m just feeling increasingly fed up as our earnings have increased considerably in the last few years and it still doesn’t seem to be enough- I keep wondering when DH thinks we will have enough! But then I wonder is he right and being sensible?

Not meaning to offend anyone as I know you can raise a child well on any budget, but just wanting some advice on what I do next and whether DH is being unreasonable.

Thank you

I think it entirely depends on your financial situation. If you're living on the headline, then of course he isn't being unreasonable. But if you are financially secure and can afford the necessities then it would be worth while finding out if that genuinely is the reason he is hesitant.

I don't necessarily think he is unreasonable for being hesitant, but my concern would be that there will never be the right time and you will just be left waiting

*bread line

Don't wonder when he will think it is enough! Ask him. Plan it. Have a financial plan for getting to children.

How old are you?

Thanks Bambamber for quick reply- that’s exactly what I’m worried about that I’ll be left waiting when we definitely have a good enough income to raise a child (I think)!

We are late 20s. Plan just keeps getting to earn more and more as we get closer to the ‘goal’. I’m not even sure money is my life goal but it seems to be a large part of his!

I always say work.out what your income and childcare costs would be after returning to work and live off that for 3 months. If it feels manageable then your good to go

Just put the plan into action. If he's "financially minded" you can put some sort of boring ott cost plan together, cost out your planned maternity leave and return to work and joint wages during these times.
Babies hardly cost anything (apart from the big one-offs like cot/pram which you can use again for any siblings). After they're in childcare your costs go up.
That might help get a move on?

I would be wondering and very concerned if he really even wants children. Perhaps he's having doubts and instead of dealing with it he's fobbing you off by blaming it on financial issues. How long are you willing to wait?

I personally saved to go on mat leave. My mat pay was crap, so I saved for about 1.5 years and that paid for my year off and there was some buffer there too. I think if you show you're in control of the finances and not dependent on him to run the whole show when you're off, then that will ease the stress.

@MsFrosty

I always say work out what your income and childcare costs would be after returning to work and live off that for 3 months. If it feels manageable then your good to go

This is an excellent idea!

Thank you all- great advice and think I’ll sit down and make a financial plan with DH, including mat leave etc.

He just has some odd things he won’t flex on- won’t have children till we earn enough to provide private education for them both, till we have a bigger house, till we can afford family holidays etc. Whereas I think life is short and those things are ‘nice to have’ but nowhere near essential. Struggling to get through to him how much I’m ready to be a mum now and don’t want to wait :-(

Agree he may be a bit worried about the big life change, tell him you'd like a timeline as you want to plan. Work it all out, how everything would work and financially.
Fwiw we started our family with an accidental pregnancy and have always lived on or below the breadline and are surviving, and although I wouldn't change it I do wish we could have saved some money first!

It sounds like he’s putting it off. Does he actually not want children deep down?

I would tell him what your cut off is to start, say 32??

Then remind him ad leave contraception up to him... his attitude/reaction will tell you everything.

2 DC through private school is huge!! Like £200k for secondary years alone.

I had to show my dh the finances of me on mat leave and going back part time to show we could afford it comfortably and still put money into savings. I had to do this hypothetically for a 2nd child as well to show that we would be ok.

Work out your basic monthly outgoings, so household bills, budget for food (£100 week?, petrol and car costs, and then things you generally need so x amount for clothes, hair cuts ect.

Then figure out how much is left that you could save. I also budget for us to each have ad hoc spending money.

With these figures you can work out how much you need to save to have 12 months off work depending on your works mat leave policy. So how much you get per month.

I did it by week as my mat leave pay was 1-6 weeks, 6-12 weeks, 12 -39 weeks. so what my weeks wage was with the smp if eligible for those weeks.

I have to save about £5k for us to be comfortable and me to have 12 months off.

Don't forget you will have about a month of holiday to take, including bank holidays, and you get £80 a month from the government.

Childcare if you want nursery you will be paying between £50-£80 on average for a day depending on where you live

Depending on what you want to buy baby you will need about £1000-£2000 to buy all the essentials. You can buy things much cheaper 2nd hand but that will be personal preference. Only thing we bought new was the pram and car seat, I probably spent about £500 In total by being savvy.

What I will say is that you do find a way to manage and you adjust your lifestyle to pay for baby essentials.

If you can present a well thought out plan with baseline figures etc and your dh still says no I would wonder if he does want kids.

My dh said he didn't want another but with my plan and reasoning we are going to try again in a few months.

Just seen your update. Private school is major expensive and imo not needed till secondary school.... 11 years after baby is born.

Holidays.... don't need to be expensive and after having dd I realised I can't be bothered with the hassle until dd is atleast 5 for a proper holiday.

Growing up I went abroad once and only had UK camping holidays... never did me any harm...

Is he making excuses?

The other thing I would say is if you're lucky everything will be easy but it can take a while to get pregnant and Lord forbid you have any serious issues

Private school costs are likely to rise significantly in 11 years, they rise significantly ahead of house prices etc.
But having a decent rainy day fund is a very very good idea

Ask him if he wants teenagers in the house when he is in his sixties....

I would point out you won’t be having family holidays or needing to pay for private school if you don’t actually get children. And give him a cut off date, there’s never a good time. Given his focus on money you will also need to have clear communications about childcare costs etc, don’t end up one of those women who can’t afford to work and are contributing to the budget from savings because their dh doesn’t want to pay for children.

I think it’s good to sit down and have a plan (particularly for how you will afford to be off work and how you will afford to pay childcare costs if you plan to go back). But things like private education are a very long way off and everything can change between now and then. I wouldn’t stress to much about the very long term stuff.

When my dh and I had our first, he was in a very low level graduate job and I was a postgraduate student. She was very much planned so I could use a break from my degree as may leave. We had no savings really. We hung in there and just got by. I was about the age you are now.

Fast forward 7 years, we have a 2nd dc and the first is in primary school. I finished my degree. Dh quit his job and is self employed. We are now both relatively high earners (over 100k combined, we don’t live in London so that’s quite a lot). We’re in a position to potentially buy our first house next year mortgage free (a very nice house, not a tiny starter house). Dc1 is in state school but we’re looking at private for 7+. So much can change in a few years. You don’t have to have everything sorted now.

You do both have to be ready for the massive changes that having children brings (and 90% of it isn’t financial). I would focus on talking about that and deciding if you’re ready for that. I feel like people who focus on the money side of parenthood don’t have a good grasp on what it’s actually about. I would make a point of discussing how you expect life to change having kids, not on how much they might cost. In large part, that will work itself out as long as you aren’t destitute.

I'm obviously not suggesting that you should be feckless but my mum always said that if people waited for everything to be perfect before having children then nobody would ever have children.

Of course putting it off and putting it off can have consequences in terms of fertility as well.

In your heart of hearts do you think he actually wants children? Because it sounds like he's fobbing you off, moving the goalposts further and further away. It's ok if he doesn't want them, not everyone does. But you do, and so you need to find out what the score is. I think what would make you happy is very different to what would make him happy.

You shouldn’t have children that you can’t afford. Obviously things like holidays and big houses are nice but you have to be realistic. Raising children is expensive and you may never be able to afford that. But education is something you should be paying for. It’s notfair to expect other people to pay for your reproductive choices.