To think DH is being unreasonable

[spaghetticats]

Name change as quite personal.

I have really wanted to start a family for some time now as we are married and settled and largely happy! DH always agrees with the principle but says ‘in a few years when we have more money’ and gets stressed we can’t afford children.

I’m just feeling increasingly fed up as our earnings have increased considerably in the last few years and it still doesn’t seem to be enough- I keep wondering when DH thinks we will have enough! But then I wonder is he right and being sensible?

Not meaning to offend anyone as I know you can raise a child well on any budget, but just wanting some advice on what I do next and whether DH is being unreasonable.

Thank you

DH wasn't nearly as bothered about having children as I was and had convinced himself that I would want to give up work and be SAHM. I earned more than him at the time. I don't know why he thought that, I'd never suggested it, had a career I'd trained 10 years for that was very flexible around part time work etc. Eventually managed to persuade him this wasn't the case and now have 2DCs and reasonably well paid PT job. I wonder if your DH is similarly concerned about being left as sole bread winner? Frank conversation may be needed

Thanks all for replies- really appreciated .

I do think you might be right about the reassurance that DH won’t be the sole breadwinner- I will try and reassure him that I would continue to work.

I’ll also speak to him about raising children and try and workout if he feels anxious about it. Whenever I ask if he wants children he says it’s a ridiculous question and of course he does.

For context we earn around £100k and I definitely think we can afford children (people are great parents on all budgets), even if we can’t afford private education etc.!

You need a firm decision between you on when you'll start trying, it would be really stupid to throw away your fertility on a man who will keep moving goalposts. Private school is incredibly expensive nowadays. What career are you in? Something where the logical progression leads to lots of money, or will you have to really struggle to earn that much more?

I am worried about the moving goalposts and when DH worries so much about money, I start thinking well maybe we don’t have enough to be secure...then I remind myself it is a good income (if not private school level of ‘good’).

I don’t want to mention career as would be very outing but DH is ‘just starting out’ so should be able to double his earning potential in the next 5 years, whilst I could have a slower sort of progression (hopefully)!

Just feel so lost as want to have children now

£100K is not enough to privately education children. Secondary schools can cost up to £30k a year. So unless you start saving for it now, and put money aside for the future or your earnings increase significantly, you're likely to never be able to afford it.

How much do we need to increase our earnings by to afford private school?

The question is why is he so convinced that only private school will do? Has it been the thing to do in his family?

Why private school? There are fantastic state schools which you could probably afford to buy a home near with the income you have.

The people I k ownwho jave gone private have either started from junior (year 3) or from senior (age 11). I wouldn’t think probayebis even worth it in the first years of schooling.

There is no perfect time to have a baby. Only 1 out of my 3 was actually planned

Forget private education, move to an area where there are Ofsted outstanding rated schools. At least you'll get your money back when you sell your house. £100k a year and can't afford a family? Ridiculous.

Is he hoping to send the kids to boarding school?

Its not my decision on private schools it’s my DH- I agree they aren’t necessary but he won’t hear of not.

To the poster ridiculing me- I’ve already said that parents can raise a family on any budget- but that isn’t helpful to me if my DH won’t physically let me procreate!

Not boarding school- just private school

100k a year and you're worried you can't afford kids?

Lol jog on...

Definition of first world problems right there

But what are his reasons? He must have some. What's he said when you've asked why?

I don’t know how many times I can say I believe you can raise a family on any budget and 100k is more than enough.

It is my DH that says we are not allowed to have children till we can afford private schools etc.

If posters are going to keep attacking me despite the fact I’m asking for help as I know DH is being unreasonable, I’ll ask mumsnet to delete the post. I only posted for help and as I feel desperate about not being allowed children

Yr DH is being a snob, worrying about private school is a lame excuse not to have kids.

I think it's a red herring, test the waters by saying you've already come off contraception, gauge his reaction.

Butterymuffin- he just says we can’t afford it yet

What does 'largely happy' mean? I'd expect a relatively newly married young couple on a decent income, with no real dependencies or major responsibilities to be happy.

On the one hand, I wasn't ready for children in my 20s, at all. But he got married in his, so I can't really compare myself to him, anyway.

It sounds like he's trying to fudge the whole thing and worm out of it. You have a long way to go before you can comfortably afford a bigger house and private education for, say, two children.

Are you prepared to hand around and wait?

Do you want a baby with him? Not just "want a baby" but with him – a man who won't brook discussion or compromise, has set ideals of raising children (such as they must attend private school) that you apparently don't get a say in.

Think carefully about what raising a baby with him will be like: what if you want to give up breastfeeding because it's too hard, but he says you must continue. Maybe you want to return to work full-time and use a nursery, is he going to insist children need a SAHM?

It's OK for him to decide he's not ready for children because of XYZ reasons, but it's not OK that he's the arbiter of how you go about parenting. Is the rest of your relationship like this?

So ask him why it's so important to him. I find it very odd that he can't give reasons for such a strong feeling, or that he doesn't want to explain them to you.

Hmmm. If you're earning £100K between you, and you already have a decent rainy day fund (and I'm assuming your mortgage isn't cripplingly high) then unless the state schools in your area are spectacularly terrible and for some reason you really can't move, of course you can afford to have children. (A bigger house might not be an unreasonable thing to want if the one you're in is tiny, of course - for such small creatures babies and their impedimenta take up one hell of a lot of space.)

So there's something else going on here. Does he feel he's too young? Does he think your marriage may not last? Does he want children but isn't sure he wants them with you?

What kind of school did he go to, incidentally? Is he trying to match his own childhood?

OP, I'm pretty concerned by someone saying her partner saying she's "not allowed" to have children. You've shackled yourself to a controlling, snobbish arse who would be doing the world a favour by not procreating in my opinion.

At today's rates, good private schools SE England, it will cost roughly £230,000 per child for fees alone from Reception through to A levels. You will find some for less, and some children give siblings a discount, although it's usually only about 5%. Then, all the uniform, extra curricular activities, etc, etc.

Annual fees will start at around £6k from Reception to around £15K to Yr 6, then £25-30k per year for secondary.

Of course if you're working then when you have a child you will need nursery/childcare fees from when you return to work after maternity leave.

If you 'save' a proportion of this amount in advance and put it into an educational trust fund for your DC, you will find it easier.

But then you will also have university fees afterwards, and with those incomes you will be funding it in its entirety. So budget at least another £30k per year for that. If they've been used to the great life though, I suspect you would need to provide more than that.

Or you could go state for infant school, or for the whole of primary. You could hope for a bright child that gets a scholarship, but they are often only around 10-20% of the fees, or your DH could be realistic and you could spend that money on a fantastic house in a catchment area near a great school and go State, or Grammar school.