Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think DH is being unreasonable

68 replies

spaghetticats · 06/02/2019 19:17

Name change as quite personal.

I have really wanted to start a family for some time now as we are married and settled and largely happy! DH always agrees with the principle but says ‘in a few years when we have more money’ and gets stressed we can’t afford children.

I’m just feeling increasingly fed up as our earnings have increased considerably in the last few years and it still doesn’t seem to be enough- I keep wondering when DH thinks we will have enough! But then I wonder is he right and being sensible?

Not meaning to offend anyone as I know you can raise a child well on any budget, but just wanting some advice on what I do next and whether DH is being unreasonable.

Thank you

OP posts:

Ooogetyooo · 07/02/2019 20:34

It sounds to me like your dh has unreal expectations of how life should be for his children . You can't plan stuff like that. Life gets in the way he either wants children or he doesn't . You want them now . I'd say that you could save up for private schooling and then there would be something else to save for. And you don't even know if you both can actually have children yet.

EhlanaOfElenia · 07/02/2019 20:35

These are very ballpark figures, btw! Which I worked out by looking at the fees for a few private schools I know in my area.

Yet you somehow haven't been able to work it out....

Original poster

spaghetticats · 07/02/2019 20:36

He is great in so many other ways and we are so happy most of the time. He just won’t budge on the life he wants to be able to provide his children and I just feel desperate to have them

OP posts:

Original poster

spaghetticats · 07/02/2019 20:38

Ehlana thank you very much- so helpful to see it spelled out cost wise!

OP posts:

Dimsumlosesum · 07/02/2019 20:39

It sounds like he's more trying to deliberately put obstacles in the way to having children rather than honestly wanting that.

Bluelady · 07/02/2019 20:39

Maybe you should give him an ultimatum - if he hasn't agreed to start a family by the time you're x age, all bets are off and you'll find someone who does want children. It might concentrate his mind. Bet he'll still make excuses.

SittHakim · 07/02/2019 20:41

Incidentally, life has a way of throwing spanners in the works. We're in London, can afford private school as we have only one child, but I'm increasingly thinking DD just isn't academically clever enough to pass a competitive exam, which pretty well rules out London day schools. So it might easily not pan out the way he hopes - what then?

Mummyshark2018 · 07/02/2019 20:43

Was your dh privately educated? Is he very fixed on this? Financially you can afford to have a child (unless your outgoings are spectacular?). Perhaps he's not emotionally ready for the responsibility of children, late 20's could be considered quite young, especially for a man. Maybe he wants to drive at his career for a few years? Does he say he wants kids but just not yet? Agree with other posters that there isn't always a perfect time. The more you earn the harder it is to get off the treadmill!

FlagFish · 07/02/2019 20:44

I agree with other posters that there may be something else going on here. Are you sure he wants children with you OP? I would have a proper serious conversation about this if I were you. He needs to understand that you need an indication of when he’ll feel ready that’s based on time not salary.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/02/2019 20:46

I’d budget £250k per child for school, excluding university fees, as a ballpark figure. So you’ll need £500k saved up if that’s what he insists on.

This will take a very long time to save up on a £100k pre-tax (I assume) salary. It’s not really realistic frankly.

Topseyt · 07/02/2019 20:48

His idea of being able to afford children bus pie in the sky. £100k is more than enough. We were only on a fraction of that when our first baby was born.

If I had even wanted to wait until we were on £100k I would never have had any children - I am now 52. We had three, and are very glad we did.

Private schools may be nice if you can afford them easily, but are by no means essential. There are many good state schools, and if your child is particularly academic you could try for entry to grammar school, assuming you live in an area with grammars.

I feel he may be fobbing you off by continually kicking the can down the line.

Topseyt · 07/02/2019 20:50

*is pie in the sky!! Bloody autocorrect. Where did that one come from?

averythinline · 07/02/2019 20:51

I dont think he wants children yet and whilst still in your 20s thats not such an issue but once in your 30s it is.... especially for you so if he is going to earn enough in 5 years time then say you have a 2yr timeline now - child wont be going to school for years after that so plenty of time for you to be back on 2 incomes for school if necessary ....or sort out housing in an area with good schools....

make a plan ....see what his reaction is - then you can judge whether you are both in the same direction.... you dont know how ttc will go for you

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/02/2019 20:51

It sounds like he does not want children.
My dc have been in a few state schools, one of which was spectacular and two of which were completely fine. Private education can be worse quality than state, depending on the specific schools and the match for your particular child.
His (really quite controlling) hangup about private school would be very unattractive to me.
Also, it's not clear that a private education is likely to provide the same advantage to your DC that a decent state education and say 50K for a deposit (or the entire 230K you'd have put into fees!) would give them. That would be a huge step up for any young adult.

But fundamentally if he wanted kids he'd be reasonable about these things. It's an excuse.
I agree with pps that if he can't have a rational conversation and respect your feelings now, conversing reasonably and openly, he might not be great co-parenting and life partner material.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 07/02/2019 21:02

I suspect you will never have 'enough' money.

SandyY2K · 07/02/2019 21:22

Did you discuss the issue of private school before marriage?

Private school is expensive. You and he need to sit down and look at the costs realistically. Once you add up the costs, work out how long it will take to save up or whether your annual income will allow for the cost of private school. Then see if the timeline is not many years away.

Before private school comes nursery or childminders....

If you want more than one child the costs double.

Personally if the timelines were too far away I would be considering my future.

There are good schools that are not private schools. You can top this up with private tuition.

You need to discuss the options, because when kids are in private school...it's not just the fees. They go on expensive school trips... if you can't afford them your child feels left out and poor.

Either he realises it's not possible on your income to do private school and thinks of alternatives or he realises it's not possible and decides he doesn't want kids.

The other option is he thinks it's possible...maybe in 10 years time. How long are you prepared to wait?

We all assume we're fertile and can have kids. If there are problems and you're past mid thirties... time is reducing to do all the medical investigations.

You need to know which it will be.

TBDO · 07/02/2019 21:44

When I look at my peers, late twenties is young to have a baby. Most started trying at 31/32, nearly all my friends had their first after 33.

Are you a stage ahead of your friends? Perhaps he doesn’t feel ready yet and the finances are a bit of a side reason? Maybe he wants to do a few more couple/friends things before DC change your life?

Bluesrunthegame · 07/02/2019 22:23

To paraphrase a well-known book of a few years ago, he's just not that into having children. If he wanted a family as much as you, on £100k those children would be here, or you would at least be in the trying to conceive stage. He doesn't want children with you and that's what all these excuses are about.

Sorry OP, I'm possibly being too blunt, but all this stuff about 'we must have this' or 'we must be able to do that' sound like nonsense reasons for delaying having children until the time for having them has gone.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread