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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to be ‘grandad’?

62 replies

BabyCakes234 · 06/02/2019 15:42

DP and I are expecting.

My parents are together still, his dad is remarried and his mum engaged.
His mum is a lovely woman who is already a good grandmother to BILs children but I don’t not like her partner. He is a racist, ignorant man who DP and I try to see as little of as possible but he is always with MIL.

Now, the reason I bring it up is his mother has mentioned him being grandad. But he isn’t. Our parents are Nan and grandads and their partners are their partners. We only wish for our Parents to be referred to as GPs.

AIBU to not want my child calling a racist man GD?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 15:47

I sort of see where you’re coming from but if this were DHs bio dad would you stop him from being called grandad? What’s he like with BILs dc?

Fabaunt · 06/02/2019 15:48

He is not grandad so, you’re quite reasonable in calling them nana and tom or whatever

pallisers · 06/02/2019 15:50

Just don't use the word. If she refers to him as grandad say it to her straight that you are reserving that title for his actual grandfathers - and granny for her and your mum. He isn't his grandad.

Original poster
BabyCakes234 · 06/02/2019 15:50

DPs dad will be grandad though. So baby already has grandad.
I forgot to add he smokes weed to help with chronic pain which I can understand to a degree but he would have no issue doing so infront of DC.

OP posts:
blaaake · 06/02/2019 15:51

He's not the baby's grandad though, is he? So your baby will not be calling him grandad. It will be 'grandma and [his name]'s house'

VictoriaBun · 06/02/2019 15:52

I have grandchildren and have been with my partner for 20 years. They call him by his name.

GummyGoddess · 06/02/2019 15:54

Stop that idea now, it will grate on your nerves. My mum kept doing it with her now ex husband and it really pissed me off and made me uncomfortable.

wigglypiggly · 06/02/2019 15:54

His dad and his mum are grandparents, their partners are not, I'd ask for them to just use their name.

Original poster
BabyCakes234 · 06/02/2019 15:56

I think I’m realising I have an issue with him being around at all. It’s hard because I like DPs mother but he is always there. DP has even expressed he cannot get a minute alone with his mother to talk about anything. I’m more than happy to leave DC in her care in the future but not when he’s around which is always. He’s always spouting some ignorant racist shit or being plain ignorant and I don’t want my child around that talk.

OP posts:
Ihavealwaysknown · 06/02/2019 15:57

My Husbands step sister started referring to my FIL as grandad to her DD. FIL stepped in straight away and said no I’m ‘firstname’. The step sister found it really odd but I’m glad he made the stand. We were due a matter of months after her DD was born and he wanted to reserve the tittle for our child to call him 😊 which I think is really sweet.

Both of my grandads had died before I was born and my nans has new partners, we simply referred to them as first name.

Original poster
BabyCakes234 · 06/02/2019 15:57

Silly little things referring to people on the tv as ‘that dark one’. I just won’t have it. It’s not acceptable

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 06/02/2019 16:02

YANBU. Could DP talk to his mum about it?
Of course, he'd have to prise her away from her partner to do that.

frogsbreath · 06/02/2019 16:02

Both my parents have remarried. Their partners are just called their own names eg Granddad and Rosie, Nana and Jeremy. They have no problem with and they are both lovely people, however they are not grandparents (and in fact each have their own grand children anyway).

We treat them well and they do spoil our ds so it's never been an issue for them.

Bangingdoors · 06/02/2019 16:04

Is your mil happy for her exhusbands new wife to be titled as a grand parent?

Bahhhhhumbug · 06/02/2019 16:06

As long as your fils dw isn't called grandma or Nana etc otherwise it could cause friction. Is he definitely a racist and what makes you think this. I feel a bit sorry for him if he suffers chronic pain and don't think that should be held against him, surely you could just pull him up on using that in front of your DC. if he does treat your BILs DC well and will be involved in treating your DC presents/outings etc. then l feel a bit sorry for him tbh.
Does your fils wife not mind not bei g called Nana or whatever.
In our family there are several half siblings etc from people splitting up and ha ing DC with a new partner. So my DGC call me Nana(my first name) and their half siblings, my step DGC call me the same or Grandma in the case of my biological Dgs who is an only child. Then their biogical DGPs have the Grandad and Grandma titles.

CallipygianFancier · 06/02/2019 16:12

On the name thing, it seems reasonable to me. My grandmother on one side remarried (first husband died), and her second husband was "firstname" not "grandad". He really was a lovely man, and it wasn't in the least to do with anyone thinking less of him. It's just who he was.

The behaviour side of things I'd probably say something to him/them about what I'd consider acceptable.

RustyShackleford · 06/02/2019 16:13

Gotta say, ihavealwaysknown, that sounds pretty fucking crappy of him actually.

Mummyto2munchkins · 06/02/2019 16:15

Just refer to him as his name.
My dad has a new partner and my DC call her by her first name, she doesn't expect to be called "nanny" either.
Everytime they say "grandad" just say his name, they'll hopefully get the picture and give up.

ChasedByBees · 06/02/2019 16:18

I think that was really sad @ihavealwaysknown. It’s basically stating to the step sister that he doesn’t see her as family. Don’t encourage that.

racheylee · 06/02/2019 16:21

YANBU. My exH drives me berserk trying to influence our DC to call his girlfriends Dad Grandad. I just find it so fucking weird and have always told them that is NOT their grandad, not even close...

I have no qualms about a long standing stepparent being referred to as grandad/grandma but a relatively new partner does not count.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2019 16:27

It really pisses me off when parents remarry and then never see their adult DC or grandchildren without their new partner in tow. Your mil should remember that her relationship with her DC predates the one with her DH and that her children are entitled to an independent relationship with her - she might love her new husband but not everyone else will!
I think fair enough to keep the name grandad for the actual grandad, since you feel strongly about it. I would just add though that your child will know him from birth and may well love him if he is kind and gives attention and love. You can foster that relationship or not, but kids can never have too many people to love them.
Obviously, if he's the sort to not show much interest then he definitely doesn't deserve the title of grandad. Only you can really say.

thecatsthecats · 06/02/2019 16:27

Ihavealwaysknown

Jesus, that's quite a different situation from the OP. Did your husband's sister grow up with him?

Even if she didn't, no need to be so rude about it!

BramRang · 06/02/2019 16:33

Both of my parents remarried when I was a child (i.e. so I see my step parents as parental figures) and my children will call them all Grandad/Nan/Grandma/Whatever they want. BUT that is only because I want them to be known as that. You can choose whatever you like for your children. I wouldn't tolerate racism, sexism or any kind of bigotry around me, let alone my children, so if any of my parents behaved like your mum's partner they would never even meet my child so it wouldn't be an issue for me.

Ihavealwaysknown - I'd have been really upset if one of my step parents said that and honestly it's quite a shitty thing to do. Once you marry into a family, you've done just that - joined a family.

newnameforthis7 · 06/02/2019 16:36

@Ihavealwaysknown

My Husbands step sister started referring to my FIL as grandad to her DD. FIL stepped in straight away and said no I’m ‘firstname’. The step sister found it really odd but I’m glad he made the stand. We were due a matter of months after her DD was born and he wanted to reserve the tittle for our child to call him 😊 which I think is really sweet.

Wow. I can't believe you're OK with that, and actually celebrating it!

That's actually awful. What a nasty thing for your FIL to say. He basically doesn't see the step sister as family then. How cruel. Sad

newnameforthis7 · 06/02/2019 16:37

@BabyCakes234

YANBU to not want MIL's partner to be called grandad, but I'm not sure what you can do about it. Especially if your partner is OK with it. You may be outvoted!

But as for the man being supposedly very racist and ignorant, is he really as bad as you make out? He is probably just a product of his generation and upbringing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but seriously, some people don't think, because they grew up with that way of speaking. As for describing someone as the 'dark one'? Big deal. Confused

You're deluded if you think your child is going to be shielded from 'inappropriate' language and terminology. They are going to hear WAY worse than someone being described as the 'dark one.'

I know someone who is a firefighter who has saved multiple dozens of lives, and volunteers for a charity that helps homeless people. Yet it didn't stop a 25 y.o. extended family of his, calling him a 'racist cunt' for using the 'wrong' terminology when describing someone who had one black parent and one white.

Ridiculous. Political correctness and snowflakery at its finest!

You sound a little bit like this young family member of this firefighter I know to be honest.