To not want him to be ‘grandad’?

[BabyCakes234]

DP and I are expecting.

My parents are together still, his dad is remarried and his mum engaged.
His mum is a lovely woman who is already a good grandmother to BILs children but I don’t not like her partner. He is a racist, ignorant man who DP and I try to see as little of as possible but he is always with MIL.

Now, the reason I bring it up is his mother has mentioned him being grandad. But he isn’t. Our parents are Nan and grandads and their partners are their partners. We only wish for our Parents to be referred to as GPs.

AIBU to not want my child calling a racist man GD?

Do as you choose. You obviously don’t like him. Unfortunately he’s part of your mothers life and you’re going to have to accept it. My mother was like this with her husband. Always with her. And yes, it was annoying and upsetting that he was more important to my mother than i am to her. She thinks men are superior btw. When I look back, his presence actually helped my relationship with my mother.

My father died when I was a child and I didn’t know him until I was an adult but he still treated me like a daughter. I called him my stepfather and he was a very decent man, who earnt the grandparent title.

My mother says things, which grate. It’s a generational thing. Some I ignore. Some I don’t. We have to take people warts and all. If your dd has decided he can’t have a relationship with your mother as stbh is always around, it’s going to be a self fulfilling prophesy. In other words, the two of you need to grow up.

@ihavealwaysknown
I don’t care about your relationship with this woman. I think it’s pretty outrageous and not conducive to family relations. She offered a massive olive branch to your fil and he turned it down. He should know better at his age. Playground stuff. But you go and be happy 😊 your pfb gets to be the only one to call him grandad.

I can't believe the amount of rubbish being spouted on here about "othering" various step relations. The fact is, blood lines do matter. Sometimes, blood relations aren't worthy of the privilege and non-blood relations are, in which case people are welcome to change things, but don't slate someone who doesn't want their step daughter's child calling them grandad for the straightforward reason that they are not their grandfather.
OP - does your DH call him Dad? If he does, it would make more sense, but if he doesn't call him dad, nor think of him as his dad, why should your little one call him grandad?

YANBU

MIL tried to get us to have her boyfriend known as Grandad, they've been dating just over a year and we've only met him once.

I told DH I wasn't comfortable with a stranger being given the title of Grandad and he agreed and spoke to his DM.

DC has Gran and Grandad (my parents), and Grannie and his first name.

GreatDuckCookery

I sort of see where you’re coming from but if this were DHs bio dad would you stop him from being called grandad? What’s he like with BILs dc?

Huh? How in any way is this helpful?!

He’s not DH’s bio dad and what on earth does it matter what he is like with someone else’s children?

Just say it will be confusing to have several “Grandads” and that he will be known as xxxx”. Your child will call him whatever you teach them his name is.

I was trying to say if it were dhs dad that was a racist, weed smoking twat the OP would have to lump it.

GreatDuckCookery

No they wouldn't. They don’t have to ever see him if they don’t want.

Well yes there’s that I guess.

@newnameforthis7

How can you say he is a product of his upbringing but think that my child being around that kind of talk won’t end up a similar product?? And yes it is a big deal. ‘That Dark one’ is disgustingly ignorant.

@WhataLovelyPear No he doesn’t. He’s lived in a different city since before the start of his mother’s new relationship. It’s been around 4 years since she started seeing him.

My dc call my step mom nanny, however we have a fantastic relationship and honestly I would be lost without her. It's personal preference, your baby so you decide. Call him NAME from the beginning and correct anyone who does otherwise.

YANBU

DH has divorced parents and his DM remarried a man in his childhood who virtually raised him and shared a home etc as DH’s father had every other weekend custody type scenario. His lovely stepfather is not his dad but has definitely earned a grandparent moniker which none of us thought twice about. DH’s DF also has a grandparent moniker obviously but his ahem current wife is “first name” by everyone including her own preference.

This guy hasn’t earned that as DH stepfather has! So YANBU at all.

YANBU, tell them he'll be called by his given name. I hate when grandparents think they can dictate this