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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to be ‘grandad’?

62 replies

BabyCakes234 · 06/02/2019 15:42

DP and I are expecting.

My parents are together still, his dad is remarried and his mum engaged.
His mum is a lovely woman who is already a good grandmother to BILs children but I don’t not like her partner. He is a racist, ignorant man who DP and I try to see as little of as possible but he is always with MIL.

Now, the reason I bring it up is his mother has mentioned him being grandad. But he isn’t. Our parents are Nan and grandads and their partners are their partners. We only wish for our Parents to be referred to as GPs.

AIBU to not want my child calling a racist man GD?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 16:37

Will MIL take it on the chin if you tell her you don’t want DC around him?

ajandjjmum · 06/02/2019 16:40

Maybe use 'Uncle Fred' or whatever, so that there is an acknowledgement of a relationship, but you can make it clear beforehand that it won't be Grandad.

ReaganSomerset · 06/02/2019 16:41

Just call him by his name.

Ihavealwaysknown · 06/02/2019 16:41

Ok I should have probably noted- I say step sister but FIL is not married to her mum and she hasn't grown up with him. They've been together around 8 years, as OP says, they have their own grandparents and her dad is still around and therefore is baby's grandad along with her partners dad. FIL also has an awful relationship with step sister so that has likely influenced it.

On the other hand DH's step sister (mums new husbands daughter) does call DH's mum nan etc, as she has been a big part of their life from a young age.

Essentially it's horses for causes. If you want to call them Grandad then fine, we have chosen just our parents to be grandparents and the partners to be first name (no doubt a nickname as our DC grow) 🤷🏻‍♀️ as with op we both have very good relationships with our parents, DH less so with his step parents as they have not been a major part of his life. So I totally understand where OP is coming from, I'd just tell them that it's only parents who will be titled and maybe allow some nickname to be used.

MaiaRindell · 06/02/2019 16:44

My parents are divorced and remarried. So my kids have Grandma, Grandpa, Papa and Gran. They also have Granny and Grandad on my ex's side. But, I am fond of all those people so wanted them to feel included. My step-sisters' kids all call my mum Grandma too. We are all family.

newnameforthis7 · 06/02/2019 16:46

@ihavealwaysknown

Nevertheless, it still sounds spiteful 'The name grandad is reserved for MY children. Not the step sister who isn't even related by blood!' smug smiley. 😊

newnameforthis7 · 06/02/2019 16:47

@ihavealwaysknown

Nevertheless, it still sounds spiteful 'The name grandad is reserved for MY children. Not the children of the step sister who isn't even related by blood!' smug smiley. 😊

Ihavealwaysknown · 06/02/2019 16:48

@newnameforthis7 well if that’s how it comes across... believe me this is the least of the concerns with the relationship with the step sister 🙄

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/02/2019 16:50

My Husbands step sister started referring to my FIL as grandad to her DD. FIL stepped in straight away and said no I’m ‘firstname’. The step sister found it really odd but I’m glad he made the stand. We were due a matter of months after her DD was born and he wanted to reserve the tittle for our child to call him 😊 which I think is really sweet.

I don’t think that’s really sweet. I think it’s fucking horrible.

Mmmhmmm · 06/02/2019 16:52

I agree with newnameforthis7

My grandfather's third and final wife wouldn't allow me to call her Grandmother when I was growing up, she said it was because she was too young to be a GM (she wasn't). It was really just because she resented the children from my Grandfather's first marriage and their offspring's existence. Old bitter cow that she was.

It hurt my feelings growing up though.

Is that sweet too? Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 16:53

Ihavealwaysknown urgh how smug are you? Does FIL not like his stepdaughter then?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/02/2019 16:54

It's a very different thing from dispensing with the 'step' and 'half' stuff among children, or of stating that an adopted son or daughter is your son or daughter (of course they are). These are children, for whom a sense of inclusion and stability within their family is essential, and without which they could suffer devastating consequences.

A grandparent, and a grandparent's spouse is an established adult with the maturity to respect other people's boundaries. The 'family is not blood' thing is fine, but if the child already has a grandfather there is little point in confusing them by giving the title to someone who doesn't even hold the status. My FiL is dead; my MiL's husband is [MiL's husband's name] - we like and respect him, but he's not Grandad. I would never call any woman 'Mum' who wasn't my mother; and if a grandparent of mine expected me to address their spouse so inappropriately and inaccurately, I'd think they were barking. (And would have, from an early age).

YANBU.

Ihavealwaysknown · 06/02/2019 16:58

Well clearly I’m one of the few who don’t see the need to have more than 4 grandparents, Christ I grew up with 2 living grandparents but didn’t feel the need to call people who weren’t my parents parents grandad 🙄 they are people who had a great influence on my life, yes, but they were still firstname

I personally don’t see the point of calling people titles for the sake of it. Only our parents will ever be grandparents to our kids. End of story

BowBeau · 06/02/2019 16:59

My step-grandad was always called Grandad. My real Grandad was dead and my step-grandad was always kind to me. It wasn’t sweet when he was dying and his “real” grandchildren made him cry by blocking the door when I came to see him and loudly yelling He’s not your Grandad!

EyeOfTheTigger · 06/02/2019 17:01

What is the plan for FIL's wife to be called? Will she also be called by her name rather than Nanny/Grandma? I think if you're going to do it for the MIL's fiance then you need to apply the same rule to FIL's wife for consistency.

zzzzz · 06/02/2019 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newnameforthis7 · 06/02/2019 17:06

That's very sad @Mmmhmmm Your grandad's wife did sound pretty rude.

ChampionThreadKiller · 06/02/2019 17:06

My stepmother wanted to be known as Nana ‘first name’ when my son was born but I asked her not to.

She always made it obvious that she didn’t want any reminder of my Dad’s previous relationship and I was never made to feel like a part of their new family. Even when they had a 7 bedroom house, I was relegated to the sewing room and didn’t have my own room in their house. Therefore I didn’t feel it appropriate that she saw herself as a grandmother to a child of someone she never made an an effort with.

It caused a rift and we are now NC (there were other reasons) but I don’t regret asking her and Dad to be Grandpa and ‘first name’ to my son.

Do whatever you are comfortable with.

newnameforthis7 · 06/02/2019 17:10

@ihavealwaysknown

Well clearly I’m one of the few who don’t see the need to have more than 4 grandparents, Christ I grew up with 2 living grandparents but didn’t feel the need to call people who weren’t my parents parents grandad 🙄 they are people who had a great influence on my life, yes, but they were still firstname.

I personally don’t see the point of calling people titles for the sake of it. Only our parents will ever be grandparents to our kids. End of story.

Doesn't change the fact that your father in law is rude, and has treated your DH's stepsister badly, and you are coming across as very smug.

SophiaLovesSummer · 06/02/2019 17:11

RustyShackleford Wed 06-Feb-19 16:13:44
'Gotta say ihavealwaysknown that sounds pretty fucking crappy of him actually.'

ChasedByBees Wed 06-Feb-19 16:18:34
'I think that was really sad @ihavealwaysknown. It’s basically stating to the step sister that he doesn’t see her as family. Don’t encourage that.'

What ^^ they said. With bells on. I'm stunned by your post if honest @IHaveAlwaysKnown - you might not have intended it to be but it reeks of smugness and of 'othering' the other DD (IE DSD) involved. Hard to read.

Didyeeaye · 06/02/2019 17:12

Tbh I get where you are coming from but it seems like drama for no reason. It's only a name. My DS has three grandad's and three grans. Two biological plus my best friends parents who I am also close to (even spent Christmases with their family growing up)
My DS also has several 'Aunties and 'uncles' who are my close friends. I think it's nice for him.

Xmasfairy86 · 06/02/2019 17:20

My step mum, although never married to my DF, has always been granny to my kids. My girls have 3 grandmothers and 2 grandfathers. It’s never caused an issue and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They have recently split buy my girls will always be her grandchildren.

But, you need to make sure it’s fair for all possible GP figures from both sides

BelleSausage · 06/02/2019 17:24

YNBU

We have the same situation- with added emotional abuse and domestic violence from MILs husband.

He’s not a blood relation. He is nothing to your child. It’s not your child’s fault their granny has poor taste in men.

In our case it has come to the point where we only see MIL. But that is the result of fairly tumultuous events.

You can insist that it is just his first name with no honorific title.

Ellapaella · 06/02/2019 17:24

What about 'Grandad first name'
That's what my son called his step Grandad. He calls my husbands (his stepdads) parents by their first name but they would have been happy for him to call them his grandparents if he'd wanted to I'm sure.

Windyone · 06/02/2019 17:27

Just call him by his name. I’m a step mum and now step grandmother 😀. I would never have expected to be called Grandma or Nana. I’m just not the child’s Grandma, she already has two Grandmas. We are Grandad and Windyone and that’s fine with me.