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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I’ve failed as a parent

66 replies

Nowwhenitrains · 06/02/2019 13:59

2 DC’s - 18 months and 3 years old.

Really can’t take it anymore. I’m always shouting, they misbehave. I dread waking up in the morning!

They don’t listen to me and it drives me insane. I feel like I’m in a black hole that I can’t get out of and there’s not 1 minute of peace. I can’t even leave the room without something happening.

Sometimes I wish I could go to bed and block the whole day out. I’m trying to eat healthy, but fuck it! At least eating junk provides me with 2 minutes of pleasure even if they are all over me wanting some!!

I’m a bad parent. Good ones don’t feel this way, shout at their kids, just not want them here even for an hour

I feel like mentally I’m screaming out for something but not sure what.

Sorry for rambling

OP posts:
conflabsters · 06/02/2019 14:03

You've not failed! Plenty of time for that yet... just kidding. Honestly it's just a bloody difficult age... especially two of them.

I only started really liking my children once they got to about 5 years old.

Totally normal to feel like this by the way... Have you got any support?

beckieperk · 06/02/2019 14:14

Have you got anyone who can have them for a while? Take them to the park for you? Or who can come to you for an hour even so you can have a bath, read a book or just sit and eat chocolate in peace???

I just shouted at my 13mo. (Yes I know he doesn't understand!) But he was smacking a wooden toy hammer on a glass table. I was worried it would break, so shouted over the racket he was making.

Do your lo's not nap in the day?? Its really hard and I've only got one at home! Your feelings are not uncommon....but it sounds like you could do with a little break from them.

I think they say distraction tactics work best at this age, ie shouting or telling them off will have no effect on them, but will make you mad if/when they don't listen. Distract them with "ooooooo look at that ball!! Wow!" Blah? May be worth a shot?? Good luck. Go easy on yourself. X

Original poster
Nowwhenitrains · 06/02/2019 14:20

Good to know I’m not alone. I can’t wait until they’re 5 Grin

I have my DP, but during the week he isn’t home until they’re in bed and my dad comes once a week. I’m happy when they’re here as it eases how I feel , apart from the weekends, but the thought oof being on my own again with them is just an awful prospect.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 06/02/2019 14:22

I hate to say it but that’s all pretty normal. With kids that age they don’t listen and are completely unreasonable and self centred😅 4 is a MUCH better age, hang in there. And don’t give yourself a hard time for the bad days. I always found my shouting and upset was never really because of the kids, they were just a catalyst. It was always because my mood was low and I was exhausted and the stress was killing me.

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 14:23

Are you using the 15 hours free childcare fir the 3 year old?
Do you go out with them every day?
Do you have a good routine?
They are babies/toddlers of course they don't listen! But there are things you can do to make life easier

Original poster
Nowwhenitrains · 06/02/2019 14:23

beckie my dad usually takes them out for an hour but with the weather being so miserable it’s no longer an option, and unfortunately they don’t nap anymore Sad

I have used the distraction tactic but after a while they get bored and I just don’t have the energy or will to want to do it all again.

OP posts:
conflabsters · 06/02/2019 14:23

It will pass.... I promise!

Auntiepatricia · 06/02/2019 14:24

Tv lots for 3 yr old! 18mth old should nap no?

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 14:24

Do you take them to baby and toddler groups? Getting out every day is crucial regardless of weather. You all sound bored.

SinkGirl · 06/02/2019 14:24

Sending hugs. My twins are nearly 2.5 and I feel like this frequently - they have ASD, and one has other health issues as well, as do I, and I am just completely worn down and exhausted.

They’ve recently started nursery for two mornings a week as one has funded hours due to getting DLA. It’s making a huge difference already just to have that mental space, and it’s really helping them too. Is this a possibility for you?

dayswithaY · 06/02/2019 14:30

I shouted a lot. I regret it now but I had absolutely no support or respite from childcare and was a single mum for some of it. My eldest children are lovely, gentle people so I don't think it harmed them. I also gave them lots of love, time, attention, support which hopefully balanced out the shouting.

Didiplanthis · 06/02/2019 14:33

My twins are 6 but have ASD and are emotionally about 3 years behind. I love them dearly but omg I wish for peace at times. At least they are now old enough for me to sometimes hide under my duvet when it gets too much . So no you are very much not alone !!!

daipaned · 06/02/2019 14:36

I remember the relentlessness of the pre-school day's. It gets better, although it's little consolation to you now.
Getting out in the fresh air might help although I appreciate it can also bring it's own problems.
Do you have any friends with kids you can meet up with?

Original poster
Nowwhenitrains · 06/02/2019 14:41

It really is relief to know I’m not alone in all of this. I thought I was going crazy.

I know children this young don’t listen, but I just wish every now and then they would.

My eldest goes to nursery. He has since he was 18 months and now we get the 15 hours. Unfortunately we can’t do the same with the youngest as we can no longer afford it. So that’s a while off yet

I do mean to make a return to the groups, but I just remember how it used to be. The cliques and feeling alone. I know my feelings should take a back seat as the groups are for the kids, but it doesn’t give me that get up and go feeling... if you know what I mean.

days that’s good. I always feel so guilty when I do it, like it’ll effect them in the long run. Especially wilhen you hear all the reasons why you shouldn’t do it on the parenting sites.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowwhenitrains · 06/02/2019 14:43

daipaned I don’t have any friends. I’ve tried but I’m probably one of those people that others don’t like. I need to figure that one out

OP posts:
Juells · 06/02/2019 14:50

I look back with such guilt at my DC's early years, I was forever wishing them to be a bit older :( Plus bellowing at them and having stand-offs. They grew up perfectly normal.

littlemisscomper · 06/02/2019 14:50

Get waterproof overalls and wellies for all of you, and get out for at least an hour in the morning, and another hour in the afternoon. Everything is so much less stressful out of doors and the exercise will release endorphins. What do they do that you would say is misbehaving?

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/02/2019 14:55

The groups aren’t really formthe kids, especially not the 18mth old. They’re more for the parent. Young children need a bit of variety in their lives to develop fully, but they don’t need other kids until they’re about 2 years. So look for a group or activity that you find supportive. Or, if you can afford it a gym or some other activity with a crèche. But do look, because being on your own with them is clearly not working well for you.

Another idea that may or may not fit your lives or be manageable is to alter their days some so they are up later (later to bed, later to rise) - giving your DH time to spend with them in the evenings and you less time where it feels like a war you are waging on your own.

ladygaga01 · 06/02/2019 14:56

Get someone to help. Ask a neighbour if they can take the little one for a walk while the 3yr old is in nursery and have a nap? Maybe your father can come more often? I echo someone's comment that you all sound a bit bored, so if you structure the time and activities a bit more (i.e. playground, outdoors, baby group, library, etc). They won't be as annoying, as you will have taken the edge of their energy levels.

This is hard though, when your levels are low, so please strike a balance and get some rest first.

Juells · 06/02/2019 15:00

Get someone to help. Ask a neighbour if they can take the little one for a walk while the 3yr old is in nursery and have a nap?

I'd slam the door in the face of any CF neighbour who asked me to mind their baby.

Hollowvictory · 06/02/2019 15:00

You do sound depressed, speak to your hv

movinonup · 06/02/2019 15:00

I remember those days OP, You are not alone.
Getting out every day helped, Not easy but it helped just to break up the day.

I was one of those ''my children will not be stuck in front of the t.v'' types......you know, before I actually had children.

I used the dvds as a babysitter for an hour and a half every day, It saved my sanity.

FusionChefGeoff · 06/02/2019 15:04

Hear hear to a TV break.

When mine stopped napping, after lunch became 'Quiet Time' when I stuck a film or CBeebies on for a good block (1.5-2 hrs) to either Get Shit Done or just stare aimlessly at my phone!!

It really helped.

Also if we'd been to a group in the morning, I could do this guilt free!

Some are much more structured eg Cha Cha chimps etc so there's less need to chat to other mums if you don't feel like it.

MikeUniformMike · 06/02/2019 15:05

I've been in your situation OP. They weren't little terrors but the same age gap and I was a lone parent. I'm quite crap at making and keeping friends. Mum was a huge help.
Could you try groups that are less likely to be cliquey. Is there anything on locally - community or arts centre or church group for parents and toddlers that you could try? Might not be your thing but might be worth a try.
Agree with taking them outdoors. The fresh air will help all of you.

Eatmycheese · 06/02/2019 15:07

Show me a Mum to young children who hasn’t shouted at some point then I’ll show you a liar.
We all do it.
Doesn’t make you a failure. They are bloody hard work.

Definitely yes to wellies, waterproofs and knackering them outdoors.
Learn to enjoy something with them and try to ignore the elephant in the room that is the mess.

We have three under five and I am a SAHP. There are days, at about midnight normally and the 15 month is still rampaging, when I think I could apply to join the Foreign Legion at it would be a breeze.

The eldest is five soon and I can see him becoming a little boy now no longer a “little” little boy IYSWIM

You will get through it. We all will. Because time waits for no one.

But 💐☕️🍰 for the journey