To feel like I’ve failed as a parent

[Nowwhenitrains]

2 DC’s - 18 months and 3 years old.

Really can’t take it anymore. I’m always shouting, they misbehave. I dread waking up in the morning!

They don’t listen to me and it drives me insane. I feel like I’m in a black hole that I can’t get out of and there’s not 1 minute of peace. I can’t even leave the room without something happening.

Sometimes I wish I could go to bed and block the whole day out. I’m trying to eat healthy, but fuck it! At least eating junk provides me with 2 minutes of pleasure even if they are all over me wanting some!!

I’m a bad parent. Good ones don’t feel this way, shout at their kids, just not want them here even for an hour

I feel like mentally I’m screaming out for something but not sure what.

Sorry for rambling

Hello OP,

Just wanted to say that I know how you feel, I remember the early years with my son, hubby at work from morning till evening, me sleep deprived and mentally exhausted! Lack of support is a real killer. Be kind to yourself, slow down, take little steps and just try love in the moment. Sending you a hug and hope you feel better soon xx

I felt similar and going back to work part time saved my sanity. 3 days away gives me enough of a break to be a better parent on the other days.

I have pushed a pram when there is snow around. Getting them out is crucial. I have thrown them in the pram and left behind a pile of washing, ironing, mess. I often thought a hamster type wheel would be great for little ones.

Young children get bored easily so getting them out and about is vital. A walk to the park, feeding the ducks, counting cats or red cars etc anything that gets you all out of the house and in fresh air that will help baby nap, tire out 3 year old and relax you a little. On a bad day I have taken children out for 40 mins in morning gone back for lunch and then later out again for another 30 mins. It just breaks up the day. Make sure 3 year old is having free childcare hours asap. Once you get that break with only one child it will be easier. If all else fails try getting on floor and making music with them by banging on pans etc. and singing songs. Give 15 mins TV for good behaviour. Keep reiterating TV is because you were good child. Don't give TV if child is being difficult as then they will learn being difficult gets them TV/rewards. Do you have or could find anyone who could babysit for an hour one day each week?

I think we must almost all be failing at parenting then.

I once read something a thread that said that pre-schoolers are like tiny mental tyrants and that made me giggle it is so true of most pre schoolers sometimes. It can be a hard relentless slog.

You need to find things to look forward to not just wine make time to read a book, go to a coffee shop, have a long bath in peace. Ask your DH/partner to look after DC for a while so you can do these things. You need a break. Is there a soft play you can go to where they can entertain themselves whilst you watch and drink copious amounts of coffee, I appreciate that is difficult with the younger one but he/she will get older and more able to entertain themselves.

I know children this young don’t listen, but I just wish every now and then they would.

Eventually they will for a few years and then they won't again and you will be back on here posting about the joys of teenagers.

I always took an old towel to the park in the wet weather to dry the swings and slide . It really helps to get them active on miserable days.

It's bloody hard and what makes it harder is struggling on alone when historically women tended to have extended family and a community around them. I know if I now heard the theme tune to the Fimbles, or the soundtrack of a Baby Einstein DVD, all those feelings of exhaustion and low level desperation would come flooding back.
I remember Toddler Taming being a useful book, if you're not too knackered to read.

Op, if they are all over you, wanting something, then that proves you haven’t failed. They both know you are the source of all things good, that you’ll comfort and provide for them.
Everyone gets stressed and yells sometimes. And actually that isn’t such a bad thing. Your dcs won’t last long out in the world if they think no-one will ever shout at them.
My ds aged 7 summed it up when he wound me up so much that I shouted at him and then said “I bet he wouldn’t behave like that in the classroom.”
He looked calmly at me and said “ yes but my teacher gets much angrier than you”. At 7 he already knew if I yelled it didn’t last long. He was completely unperturbed. Little toad.
So I’m sure you aren’t traumatising them for life. You’re probably just like the rest of us. You need a rest and an evening to yourself, that’s all.

I agree with getting out - coats on, wrap up, it doesn't matter where you go - round the block, to the swings for half an hour, to the library, to the shop to pick up a few bits - it's just good to get out so you can come back in again after a bit of fresh air. That way you don't feel so bad about sitting down together in front of a dvd or a bit of CBeebies. Those ages are tough - I remember long, winter days trying to keep them entertained. Of course looking back I feel a huge nostalgia - mine are both teens now and I'd given anything for another afternoon with two little tinkers.

I hate the age of 3 😭😭 honestly it could have written this!! It was exactly how I was a year and a half ago. Now they are 5 and 3! and although the 3 yr old is still crazy the 5 yr old is much better at managing and realizing it’s not worth winding her up anyway and they are starting to play together and actually compromise with each other!! Also I went back to work which has helped my sanity so so much 😂😂

This too shall pass!! That’s my motto

I couldn't do it. I would be going mental. You need to be able to get some time out. Even going to help at the allotments, walk to park, kids yoga..... take them to the old peoples home where they will be doted on like performers whilst u chat to some old people who will make you feel better.??

Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much you have helped. That fog is starting to clear a little.

I think another cause of being in a rut/staying indoors is from the PND from my 2nd DC. I think I got used to a new way of doing stuff and haven’t been arsed to change it. I used to always go out with my eldest, but it all changed and now I look at DC2 and feel so guilty

I’m going to make a bit more of an effort. Look up groups later, look at that book op suggested.

I had two 13 months apart and to be fair, DH was a stay at home parent for the most part, but it is exhausting, do you feel like all you do is shout and then feel shit about it. As others say, it does pass and then you look back and think if you had your time again it would be different....

Does anywhere local have a creche? DH used to take ours to the leisure centre and put them in the creche for an hour and then sit in the cafe with a coffee and the paper. I think they all benefited.

We used to keep their toys in a few crates and rotate them into the garage so that he'd bring them in after a week away and it was like a whole new box of stuff. We also had quite a bit of structure to the day, can't remember exactly, but stuff like 9-10 toys, 10-11 walk, 11 o'clock snack, then maybe a half hour tv, bit more toy time, lunch then books or games depending on whether it looked like they might drop off. Obviously in the better weather they'd be outside a lot more playing. On some days he'd go for a drive to get them to have a nap and then just park up for a nap himself.

You need to find something that works for you though.

Meant to add that mine are 18 and 17 and the most lovely teenagers. They've honestly not given me a bit of bother and don't seem to hate me or DH :o

OP this is a dark time but it will pass. Mine are now both at school and life is pretty peaceful!

I seriously recommend a strict routine of up and out for 10am, home for lunch and afternoon. Hopefully the 18mth old would nap in the afternoon and you can do activities (throw out some play doh or pens and paper) or put the 3 yr old in front of the TV while you get a coffee and prep dinner. With little preschoolers it’s good to get out and not get totally overwhelmed with their at home misery and whinging. Also to carve out 1hr to get ahead of the evening and chill a bit. I have 3 preschoolers and if we don’t get out at 10am it all goes to shit.

You are not alone. My son is 4 and he pushes my buttons. It is the age. He was worse at 3. Far worse. Ride the wave, keep your cool, take a break when you can. Don't forget about looking after yourself and manage your expectations. You are not a bad parent, you're simply learning on the job like we all are.

OP are you on medication for your PND? If you're still feeling low I would go back to your GP - don't suffer in silence!

There are places you can go to fill up time in the day even if it's really too torrential to be out of doors - Pets at Home to see the animals, the library (often they have toys and colouring as well as stories), even places like hardware stores are really interesting to small children.

If they have plenty of toys at home, but seem bored, get yourself a big storage chest of make room in a cupboard and lock 50% of their toys away (not as a punishment of course, just cal it 'tidying up') - cycle them so you swap some of the toys each week to keep them fresh and interesting. Aim to do two structured activities every day - one where you sit down with them and join in for at least half an hour, and another that you can leave them with while you get on with cooking or whatever.

Feel so much better this evening, thanks to you lovely lot. Going to get cracking on a routine tonight, which I think will do the 3 of us some good!

@littlemiss no, I came off of them as they were doing me no good and I started to feel better without them. I’ll see how I feel over the next week on the routine and go back to GP if no better

Are you planning on going back to work? Going back to work (part time) massively helped me feel sane, young children are very draining!

spot on littlemiss we were laughing the other day when we passed the tropical fish shop in a place we rarely go nowadays. My DC thought it was a fish zoo as we always just went to look on rainy days :o Now my secret is out...

@WaxOnFeckOff

I used to entertain my last little munchkin (I'm a nanny) by taking her to all sorts of different shops. Once we went to Carpetright and we were having a great time talking about the colours and feeling the textures and counting the samples, when the sales assistant joined us and wouldn't leave us in peace! I couldn't very well say 'I just brought the toddler here so she could touch everything with her sticky fingers, we're not interested in your hard sell!' so I had to murmur something vague about measuring rooms and beat a hasty retreat.

We go to pets at home all time to look at the bunnies and fish.

Ha ha littlemiss we used to collect paint colour samples and make up names for the colours. I had an old sports type timer and we had "races" to put stuff away or running up and down the garden etc etc. Paper plane making and decorating. You just need a little bank of activities that you can do, even if it's just shoving a bit of music on for a boogie, making tents with chairs and blankets, teddy bear picnics for lunch.

It's hard to motivate yourself from a standing start though so that's why a routine works as you think about what you are going to do for a few segments a day, knowing that the rest of the day already has structure. Much better than seeing the whole day stretch out in front of you.