AIBU to think that people are becoming too sensitive

[Whyisareallthenamestaken]

Just that really.
I feel like people have become so sensitive that we are expected to constantly watch what we say and even how we say/phrase it.

I don’t like telling lies and would rather give my candid opinion, but I’m always stuck between being truthful and risking hurting people’s feelings, or lying and telling them what I think they want to hear.

I would rather you tell me the truth just as it is without sugar coating it, but no one seems to do that anymore these days.

Seems like it’s now considered RUDE to be truthful.

I’ve got some scenarios to use as example but they will be in the comments..

Your cousin sounds like an unhappy person who has had a very hard time. Nothing new about that. Sadness and vulnerability are timeless.

Your grammar is awful.

Usually the truth hurts, that's that, but sometimes you need the truth do do something about a situation that makes you unhappy.

Of course there is a way of saying things to show empathy whilst being honest and more importantly being there for that person as they get through a crisis. I personally find it kinder to be honest to allow me to see things from a different perspective, whether after reflection I agree or not than someone who just tell me what I want to hear so that I don't give them any grief in return.

Nothing wrong with telling the truth as long as you are kind about it.

If a pregnant friend asked if I thought she was gaining weight, and clearly was, I'd probably say something/ ask questions like "it's so easy to put on weight when you're pregnant, your hormones are all over the place. Do you feel like you're getting bigger than you'd like? Does your midwife have any concerns? Are you craving particular foods; maybe you need a supplement? Sometimes you just have to go with it and accept they'll be work to do after the birth to get your body back in shape. I could help you/ join you in a keep fit campaign once the baby is here if you want?"

So you've covered all bases without being unkind and offered support. Isn't that what friends do?

Too many people use "being honest and straight talking" to be complete arseholes.

Yeah some people are too sensitive.

Some people are too insensitive.

I just find your examples to be ways that you are irritated by people or disagree with their point of view. As for the point with your glasses why the he'll would you expect them to say anything.

If anything I would say that you are over sensitive in making these total none issues something to post on MN about.

Still hoping for some examples of snowflakery......

I don’t like it when people say “I’m
Just being honest” or “I call a spade a spade” when they are just being nasty but you can be truthful and not be a dick about it.

^This!

Sometimes though people that "tell it like it is" are just rude/nasty but they think it makes them "honest" and people are "getting what they see on the tin." I wouldn't say someone looked nice in an outfit if they didn't but would phrase it more like, 'for your shape X might be better' not "you got a fat arse" that's unnecessary!

It's called being a decent human being and thinking of others not just yourself.

Virtue signalling in my mind is simply signalling that you have it but it’s superficial -it doesn’t mean you’re virtuous it means you’re giving the appearance of being so.

Eg my friend posts a lot of articles whereby he is outraged at racism. Virtue signalling “look at me I’m one of those nice white
people who isn’t racist”

It’s about making themselves look good and in the social media world its all about what you say and not what you do

The people who use it as an insult don't seem to be disputing that the person has a virtue. Why then be annoyed that they 'signal' it?

Because it's a kind of conspicuous morality flag that reveres the message more than the deed. Like when Leonardo DiCaprio did that eco-documentary while swanning around in his big ass yacht.

What Elf said.

See the current thread about whether you could leave your seven week old baby to go on holiday for a week — hundreds of posters essentially saying, with increasing shrillness ‘Not only could I not do that but I couldn’t do it when my child was seven, or seventeen, and I have never been on a different landmass to them! If you could leave your newborn, you’re NOT NORMAL...’’

But we’re all anonymous on the internet. Our offspring could be playing in traffic or foraging in bins or on their ninth consecutive hour of Fortnite.

I would rather you tell me the truth just as it is without sugar coating it, but no one seems to do that anymore these days.

Which 'days' are you comparing your experience to where people were so robust that they weren't offended by anything? The myriads of previous generations where a woman acknowledging the existence of periods in anything other than hushed tones was considered outrageous to public decency? The generations where society would shun 'fallen women' who conceived out of wedlock? Those where the idea that anyone, particularly a man, may suffer with their mental health was tantamount to accusing them of being gay (also offensive) or weak (like a woman - ugh!).

Before you can assess whether being over-sensitive is a modern phenomenon, it would help to identify when was the golden age during which people were only offended by the 'right' things and just got the hell on with it otherwise?

Eg my friend posts a lot of articles whereby he is outraged at racism. Virtue signalling “look at me I’m one of those nice white
people who isn’t racist”

It’s about making themselves look good and in the social media world its all about what you say and not what you do

So is your friend racist then? It's not clear from your post? Combatting racism is something that white people need to do - if people of colour could effect social change without allies using the privilege that their race affords them to help, then racism wouldn't exist!

“Virtue signalling” is what people say when they don’t like being reminded of their own singular lack of virtue. It’s the equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and shouting “lalalalacan’thearyou!”

It's possible to be truthful and not rude

In your scenarios

• I'd probably say I thought she was / might be putting on weight but she'd be better to check
• If I disagreed with how the friend had dealt with the childcare problem I woukdn't volunteer an opinion but if asked would be truthful and say I would have done it x way
• Third scenario isn't really the same but if I'd just met you I wouldn't ask why you were wearing dark glasses - would assume you had a reason and you would tell me if you wanted to

“Someone who believes they are as unique and special as a snowflake; someone hypersensitive to insult or offense, especially a young person with politically correct sensibilities.” A snowflake

There are a million examples of this reality but its all tied to identity politics. “I deserve special treatment because of my gender / sexuality / race / socioeconomic status / insert whatever intersectionality you like

If you can’t see this around you...where are you hiding?

*“Virtue signalling” is what people say when they don’t like being reminded of their own singular lack of virtue. It’s the equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and shouting “

Ironically you are virtue signalling right there.

“Look at that person with moral failing right in front of me, someone with superior moral value”

It’s like, who do you think you are? Who gave you the right to judge other people’s opinions as ‘correct’? And don’t you believe in free speech?

On the subject of silencing racists, sexists, homophobes, etc. I would always rather people were allowed to speak their understanding of "the truth" so that they can be gently but firmly corrected and re-educated. That cannot happen effectively if it is driven underground.

There will always be haters and there will always be ignorant sheep who latch onto their hateful ideas. Public open debate is an important way of challenging this.

Personally I am in favour of telling the truth and being told the truth, even if it hurts. A very Mumsnet example is, I would rather someone told me if my husband was unfaithful. I have in the past been told home truths and, while they may have stung, I have then thought about them and been glad of the opportunity to correct my thinking/behaviour. I understand others don't necessarily feel as I do.

I do think many people are far too sensitive and go around looking for things to be offended about, but I can't say if this is a new thing or just the way it has always been. I am 45 and have got more aware of this as I've got older - but I've also got gradually more self aware with age, so perhaps I am just noticing it more now.

“It’s like, who do you think you are? Who gave you the right to judge other people’s opinions as ‘correct’? And don’t you believe in free speech?“

Yes I believe in free speech. And I also believe that not all opinions are equal. Some are wrong. But feel free to express them. As I feel free to point out the error of your ways!

I would also like to know more about the golden days where people weren't so offended!

In most eras, the interactions between people deemed to be socially superior were regulated by an elaborate and slightly insane rule system of euphemism, avoidance, pretense and courtesy. If you broke those rules you were an embarrassment at best, completely shunned at worst, and you'd better be extremely rich and male to get away with it.

Meanwhile, interactions between supposed superiors and inferiors was nicely frank, in that superiors could be absolutely obnoxious to their inferiors and generally talk to them in a way that we'd find abhorrant today. Nobody ever gave a shit what the scullery maid's feelings were, and nobody was expected to give a shit. It was commonplace agreement that entire demographics and races were basically sub-human.

So I'm sure that was fun for everyone: being unable to hear the word 'ankle' without fainting, on one end of the spectrum, and being treated with less respect than the master's dogs on the other.

oooh Bertrand literally the only one I have ever heard personally is from a v good friend who is senior at a prestigious university. She was asked to put a trigger warning on a lecture about Coriolanus and was not allowed to show a slide with an illustration of a Victorian performance where lots of fake blood was used. Not a photo. A drawing. From a famously bloody play that was part of their course.

I agree with you though I think people aren't snowflakes. But there has been a growth in arse-covering, initially through the 80s and 90s with physical health and safety issues, and possibly now with emotional consideration? The Elf n Safety thing was to do with the rise of litigation and the profits made from suing. I wonder if there is a similar thing happening with 'opinions' (though I'm not convinced it is really happening)? If it is then we should look to who profits from it.

Look at 'trending threads' right now. Out of 5, 3 are arguably snowflakey.

Teenager not pulling weight at work. It's bullying.
Salesperson surprised an overweight person is good at swimming. Fattist.
Someone rude about a job application. Mortal offence was taken.

Like I said upthread, people have this strange expectation of a 'right' to have no rudeness in their lives.

TAAT I know

Say what you want. Nobody is required to listen to you, believe you, respect you, or value what you have to say. If someone I knew was perpetually rude I’d just think ‘There’s that rude arsehole’ and avoid you.

“Teenager not pulling weight at work. It's bullying.
Salesperson surprised an overweight person is good at swimming. Fattist.
Someone rude about a job application. Mortal offence was taken.”

Don’t know which the teenager at work one is. But the other two are just about an expectation of basic professional behaviour. Which is not at all snowflakey. And, as so often on topics like this, “being a bit pissed off” translates to “mortally offended” in the words of the professionally unoffended.