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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being ungrateful for these baby hand me downs?

66 replies

Pleasenotanotherbinbag · 06/02/2019 12:28

I've NC as there are outing details on my other name.

DH and I have had our first, and probably only, baby. We are not rich, but we do OK.

SIL is older and her last dc is a toddler. Throughout my pregnancy she has passed on many baby and toddler related items. I haven't asked for these. So for example, she came in and saw we had bought a highchair. She started on about how she had a highchair in the garage we could have, and we should have asked. The next day the highchair was on our doorstep.

She has brought round bags of baby toys, cot bedding, umbrella strollers. I feel so ungrateful, but we have very different tastes and a lot of it is far from what I have chosen. It is also very dirty due to being stored in the garage, and it smells of smoke as bil smokes in there. She gave us a baby swing chair and I had to take it apart and steep it in the bath as it was thick with grease. Some of the material items have been stained and mildewed, but I've had to keep them in the shed.

Our baby has grown out of the early stuff that we did use, so I asked sil if she would like it back or if I should take it to the charity shop with my own cleared out items. Sil became cross and told us we should hold on to it for the next baby, which she knows we won't be having. As well as this, our house is small and we honestly have absolutely no space, we already hace duplicate highchairs, bouncers and the like, because when sil sees we have something new for the baby, she produces her own version and berates us for wasting money

I need rid of the stuff ASAP but i feel we're on thin ice, as sil is touchy. How do i handle this without causing lasting offence? I appreciate she feels that she is helping us out but it's quite the opposite

OP posts:

MintedLamb · 06/02/2019 12:29

Is her garage accessible when she isn't there? I'd take it all and put it back there.

Ribbonsonabox · 06/02/2019 12:32

I think you need to be clearer and firmer. Say 'I need to get rid of these thing because I need the space do you want them back? If not I'm going to take them to the charity shop on x day' Dont make it a question or discussion.

Lana1234 · 06/02/2019 12:32

Don’t think you are being ungrateful at all. I’d honestly just take what you don’t want to the charity shop or bin. You shouldn’t feel like your on thin ice and she shouldn’t just be lashing anything at you

Di11y · 06/02/2019 12:32

you can't store it indefinitely so you're gonna have to give her a last chance to have back, or charity it, or invent a friend who you're passing it onto??

at the end of the day, if you're being polite about declining her stuff even if she gets offended it's her problem.

LordVoldetort · 06/02/2019 12:32

Just tell her straight. You do not need these items, you do not have space. She either takes them back or they go to a charity shop

Bluelady · 06/02/2019 12:34

Tell her it's all covered, it's very kind of her but you have a real anxiety about used stuff and you're sure there's someone who would need and appreciate it more.

CocoDeMoll · 06/02/2019 12:34

Your not being ungrateful. Ultimatum time.

Ribbonsonabox · 06/02/2019 12:34

And when she brings round duplicate items thank her but do not accept the item. Say 'that's very kind and thoughtful of you but we already have x item and so sadly we do not have the space for this one'and stand your ground, just repeat if needed. Do not let her leave items at yours.

Isitweekendyet · 06/02/2019 12:34

Tip it and don't tell her, with EVERYTHING.

If she ever asks say you gave her the option to have it back.

Hopefully she'll get offended and NEVER palm her shit off on you again!

halfwitpicker · 06/02/2019 12:35

We get this in the sense that people give us toys etc that are just shit /don't work / too old. So we end up throwing it out. I've told DH no more rubbish! He can't say no! He accepted this feckin toy crib, it's like something out of the hand that rocks the cradle 😱

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 12:36

You're only course of action is to refuse it with a smile, thank her and say you already have it.

Although Im perpexed why she saw you had bought a high chair and then dumped put her old one on your doorstep.

OutPinked · 06/02/2019 12:36

Definitely not ungrateful or BU. You need to be more firm and say you have everything necessary now so don’t need her things as well.

I don’t know who on earth would dare give someone dirty items, my MIL did it at Christmas... Basically bought baby DS (her only grandchild) everything secondhand from charity shops which is fine except a lot of it was bloody filthy, I binned most of it.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 12:36

You're = your

Changingagain · 06/02/2019 12:36

It sounds like she's just dumping all her stuff she doesn't want on you instead of dealing with it herself, I'd be pretty annoyed.

I think you need to be very clear that you don't have the space. If things turn up anyway, take them back.

PossiblyPFB · 06/02/2019 12:37

What odd behaviour especially as you’ve bought things and she’s duplicating!

It’s so nice to have your own new stuff if possible, especially with the situation where it may be your only baby. She’s probably not thinking but she’s robbing you of the joy already she had in choosing things for your child essentially. And cluttering your house with unnecessary things- using you as a charity shop.

She’s probably not thinking like that though, or trying to be difficult. It could be that she is sensitive about having had her ‘last’ baby and these things are her way of trying to be useful and knowledgeable.

“If it was me I’d gently say, we are really happy with the things we have chosen for dc, so it feels wasteful as the items aren’t going to get any use. I wonder if there are local charities who could use them?” Bit annoying for a charity shop to have to bin them if they reek of shed and fags but perhaps she’ll get the message??

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 06/02/2019 12:37

If she dumps more things that she knows you've already got on your doorstep I don't think you'd be unreasonable to just tell her you never saw it, somebody else must have taken it...

Linguaphile · 06/02/2019 12:37

I'd just text her I'd just say, "Thanks so much for all the lovely things you've loaned baby, it's so kind of you. I've been having a clear-out here (we're feeling a bit suffocated in amongst all our stuff!), and since we're genuinely not planning to have any more children, I wondered if you want me to bring them back to you or if I should pass them on to someone else who needs them? Feels a shame to just let them sit at mine collecting dust when I know someone else probably really needs good secondhand things! If you want them, I'll pop by and put them back in your garage. If not, I'll go ahead and pass them on to someone else who could use them."

HollowTalk · 06/02/2019 12:37

I would just take it all back to her house and wouldn't accept anything else again. The thought of her sending greasy, smelly stuff to yours is really horrible.

Sindragosan · 06/02/2019 12:49

She's being quite akward about it - we've had many second hand items but have always been asked if we'd like them first and told to pass them on to someone else after or a charity shop.

I'd just give them to a charity shop and with a bit of luck she'll strop and not give you anything else.

EyeOfTheTigger · 06/02/2019 12:50

I'd bag everything up and dump it back at hers when she's out with a note that says "Thanks for the loan of these items. We're not planning to have any more DC so returning them to you in case you decide to expand your family further".

Refuse to accept any further items she tries to palm off on you. Is this your DHs sister? If so, he needs to be the one to have a word with her to say she's been very thoughtful letting you have hand me downs in the past, but you have no need for any further contributions as you have sufficient stuff/no storage space.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 06/02/2019 12:55

Say you saw an ad for a charity requesting items and is it OK if you drop them there?

FlaviaAlbia · 06/02/2019 12:56

Put it all back on her doorstep with a bunch of flowers and a card thanking her very much for the lend of them while you needed them.

She'd look churlish to complain you returned them with flowers.

Piffle11 · 06/02/2019 12:59

When I was having DC1 MIL told us that BIL had some 'lovely' stuff we could use. BIL had split up from partner so had baby wardrobe and changing table/drawers at MIL's, where he was living at the time. She brought them round: changing table stank of mildew, there were what I presume were damp patches in the corners of the drawers (black, mouldly looking patches), and the bottom of the wardrobe door had been completely chewed off by their dog (about size plate sized, a really big bit!) She then tried to charge us £50 for them, as BIL 'needed the money'. DH told her where they could stick their furniture. She kept saying they were 'usable' (they weren't), but even if that was true, if it's not your taste - and I can't imagine smoke stinking stuff would be to anyone's taste - then it's not for you. Try and tell her once and for all: we don't have the space. If you don't want this stuff back (perhaps for one of your friends, SIL?) then we're binning it. MIL also brings around stuff she can't be bothered to get rid of: she tried to offload a massive bookcase on us, 'for the children's room', even though she could plainly see there was no room for it! I kept half expecting to come home one day and find it on the lawn outside our house. She's often turned up with bags full of old crap, and when I've questioned it, said that she's spoken with my DH and that he said he wanted it: he's told me this has never happened!! Be firm.

frazzledasarock · 06/02/2019 13:00

Hah I like Flavia’s suggestion, plus she can’t be annoyed as she leaves crap on your doorstep your just returning her crap back to her by her method. The flowers and card would be a nice touch to make you look lovely and make it harder for her to kick off without looking like a complete nutter.

If she starts about saving for other dc tell her you’ll worry about it I if it happens.

frazzledasarock · 06/02/2019 13:04

Tell her in fact to keep it for her next dc 🤣

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