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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being ungrateful for these baby hand me downs?

66 replies

Pleasenotanotherbinbag · 06/02/2019 12:28

I've NC as there are outing details on my other name.

DH and I have had our first, and probably only, baby. We are not rich, but we do OK.

SIL is older and her last dc is a toddler. Throughout my pregnancy she has passed on many baby and toddler related items. I haven't asked for these. So for example, she came in and saw we had bought a highchair. She started on about how she had a highchair in the garage we could have, and we should have asked. The next day the highchair was on our doorstep.

She has brought round bags of baby toys, cot bedding, umbrella strollers. I feel so ungrateful, but we have very different tastes and a lot of it is far from what I have chosen. It is also very dirty due to being stored in the garage, and it smells of smoke as bil smokes in there. She gave us a baby swing chair and I had to take it apart and steep it in the bath as it was thick with grease. Some of the material items have been stained and mildewed, but I've had to keep them in the shed.

Our baby has grown out of the early stuff that we did use, so I asked sil if she would like it back or if I should take it to the charity shop with my own cleared out items. Sil became cross and told us we should hold on to it for the next baby, which she knows we won't be having. As well as this, our house is small and we honestly have absolutely no space, we already hace duplicate highchairs, bouncers and the like, because when sil sees we have something new for the baby, she produces her own version and berates us for wasting money

I need rid of the stuff ASAP but i feel we're on thin ice, as sil is touchy. How do i handle this without causing lasting offence? I appreciate she feels that she is helping us out but it's quite the opposite

OP posts:

CatnissEverdene · 06/02/2019 14:53

She's not giving you any choice in having these things, so return them in the same way ie when you know she's out!! Leave a small gift and thank you as others have suggested. She'll soon get the message.

When I had my 1st DD, one of my nan's good friends sorted out 4 huge black bin liners full of clothes from her grandchildren. They were all very cheap quality clothes that had been very well used for 2 kids.... most of it had been put away unwashed so they were all grubby and stained. I could have cried, having to sort out all of it while heavily pregnant and unwell. The charity shop rejected 90% of it and I ended up doing a trip there after washing and drying it all, then the rest had to go to the tip. It was no gift and taught me the MN adage that "No thank you" is a complete sentence!!

canadianbanana · 06/02/2019 15:02

Some people see new parents as a convenient place to dump stuff they feel guilty about throwing out. She’s also probably offended you don’t think her old crap is good enough. I had the same problem with my SIL who prides herself on being thrifty. I remember having a hideous change table dropped on our doorstep, which was already about 40 years old, with the change pad covered with plastic orange material. I had told her over and over I didn’t want a change table, used or otherwise. Either keep telling her you don’t need these things, accept them then throw them out. If she is touchy she will always find something to be offended by, so do what works for you.

Madwithjealousy · 06/02/2019 15:08

People are weird aren't they ? Or are they just thick-skinned ? My friend used to pass down absolutely everything from her two slightly older children. Most of it had been looked after and was clean but it did get to the stage where she was giving us white vests (which had seen better days) and dozens and dozens of pairs of socks! I already had enough of these and they were available new pretty cheaply. Also some of it just wasn't what I'd have bought so I ended up making quite a profit by selling it - football kits were a particular best-seller! She also gave me the whole range of (quite washed out) football themed bedding, lampshades, bins etc; not surprisingly my children had their own bedding already so I just ended up having to dispose of it.
I think the people off-loading their stuff feel like they're doing you a favour and it also eases their conscience, plus they don't have to take it anywhere!

AlpacaPicnic · 06/02/2019 16:21

We had this when we bought our house! People like to dump their old shite on you... The amount of times people would say 'oh we've got we're getting rid of, you can have it' not asking but telling!
My favourite time, someone was 'chucking out' an old lamp (their words), but we could have it for a tenner. No thanks! They are not short of money either... We graciously declined, although a lamp would have been nice to read by because we didn't have any money.

DrCoconut · 06/02/2019 16:26

I'm loving the fact that the high chair was on your doorstep! Round here it would have been gone by the time you got back. I guess that solves a lot of problems in a way.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/02/2019 16:35

Sounds like she can't be arsed to go charity shop so she's dumping it all on you!

SIL tried to do this to us. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with our first baby she turned up with about half a dozen bin bags full of her DC's old clothes. Most of it was age 4-5! When I politely explained that we really didn't have the space to store things we wouldn't be able to use for years she said "oh ok, just take it to the charity shop then". Uh, no that would be your job!

BowBeau · 06/02/2019 16:47

I don’t mind being given decent second hand things. DS has been given some beautiful books and wooden toys which were clean and in excellent condition. And there were only a few items because the previous owners had cleared out and only gave us the bits that were worth keeping.

What I object to is when people give you loads of stuff that they haven’t checked over, and 90% of it is only fit for the bin. That’s not a gift, it’s an obligation to dispose of their rubbish.

Chloemol · 06/02/2019 17:46

Just pack it all up, take it back to her and say thanks but we don’t need it, I am sure you can find someone else to use it and leave

PCohle · 06/02/2019 23:07

Put it on her doorstep and send a polite text afterwards saying that you're sooo grateful but having a bit of clear out and wanted to make sure she got her stuff back.

NorthEndGal · 06/02/2019 23:11

'SIL, thank you for the help you have given us. It means a lot. I am serious about needing to move these items on. As you know, we aren't going to need them further, and haven't the room to store them.
I want to make sure I check with you first, would you like them back, or shall I pass them on for someone else?'

Repeat as needed

RupaulsGagRace · 06/02/2019 23:34

Tip it on her doorstep.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/02/2019 00:38

Get your husband to take it back to her - you no longer have even a semblance of needing it (not that you ever actually did) so let him deal with her tantrums and sulks.

Get him to tell her you don't need it, there won't be any more babies, that either she takes it back or he will dispose of it elsewhere, as there is no room to keep it at yours.

Make sure that he is VERY clear that storing it at yours is just not an option, so either she takes it, or it goes to charity (or the bin).

Jeds55 · 07/02/2019 09:11

I had this from SIL so feel your pain. Whilst a lovely thought, the clothes and books really smelled mouldy as had been stored in their attic for few years. She also tried giving me clothes that were aged 1 - 2 years before baby was even born - we live in a very small house. I kept declining or taking just a few of the nicer bits and saying we don't have space (very true) and that I enjoyed clothes shopping for baby (very true).It finally got through when she asked if I wanted a very specific item, I was grateful and said yes, next thing I know MIL is around with the biggest bag of clothes yet, some of which I'd already declined. Next time we saw them we took the whole bag back and just again said we do not have the space and that we have lots already so don't need any more. Thankfully it hasn't been too bad since but I know there's lots of clothes stored in SIL and MIL house just waiting to be remembered!

Juells · 07/02/2019 09:16

PCohle
Put it on her doorstep and send a polite text afterwards saying that you're sooo grateful but having a bit of clear out and wanted to make sure she got her stuff back.

Good plan.

hickerydickerydockmouse · 07/02/2019 21:40

We had our baby first in the family so we ended up buying everything ourselves. Didn't have many friends or a baby shower so didn't get gifts either. We kept a few boxes of good stuff that was in good shape and donated the rest. When a relative of ours had a child we first asked her if she would like some and she got to choose what she wanted. And to not make it like we are just giving her used stuff we also got them new things. So while it's not bad to hand me down things, they should be of good quality and not the only things you give to the other family. Sadly this didn't happen in your case. You are not their dumping round. As Flavia said, give them back with flowers and card.

Guineapiglet345 · 07/02/2019 21:56

Just keep saying “we don’t have space” on repeat when ever she tries to give you something, if she won’t take it back then charity shop it or bin it without feeling guilty because you told her you don’t have space.

I know some people love second hand stuff but personally I hate it and wouldn’t put my precious only baby (definitely won’t be having any more, so this is my only chance) in second hand when I can afford new and I like shopping.

My MIL is always buying (horrible frilly) clothes for DD and now I hand them back and say “we haven’t got space and she’s already got so many clothes that this item won’t get worn” she still buys them but they either stay at her house or get donated.

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