Am I being ungrateful for these baby hand me downs?

[Pleasenotanotherbinbag]

I've NC as there are outing details on my other name.

DH and I have had our first, and probably only, baby. We are not rich, but we do OK.

SIL is older and her last dc is a toddler. Throughout my pregnancy she has passed on many baby and toddler related items. I haven't asked for these. So for example, she came in and saw we had bought a highchair. She started on about how she had a highchair in the garage we could have, and we should have asked. The next day the highchair was on our doorstep.

She has brought round bags of baby toys, cot bedding, umbrella strollers. I feel so ungrateful, but we have very different tastes and a lot of it is far from what I have chosen. It is also very dirty due to being stored in the garage, and it smells of smoke as bil smokes in there. She gave us a baby swing chair and I had to take it apart and steep it in the bath as it was thick with grease. Some of the material items have been stained and mildewed, but I've had to keep them in the shed.

Our baby has grown out of the early stuff that we did use, so I asked sil if she would like it back or if I should take it to the charity shop with my own cleared out items. Sil became cross and told us we should hold on to it for the next baby, which she knows we won't be having. As well as this, our house is small and we honestly have absolutely no space, we already hace duplicate highchairs, bouncers and the like, because when sil sees we have something new for the baby, she produces her own version and berates us for wasting money

I need rid of the stuff ASAP but i feel we're on thin ice, as sil is touchy. How do i handle this without causing lasting offence? I appreciate she feels that she is helping us out but it's quite the opposite

The flowers are a good idea. I'll speak to DH later. It's his sister, yes. I'm not 100% sure it isn't a bit PA on her part, a few things she said during my pregnancy made me think she expected us to struggle and to gratefully receive her advice on parenting. This hasn't happened, and now she's forcing it upon us via stuff. As a new baby gift, she bought us the one thing I had specifically said that we didn't want as we wouldn't have room for it or use it-a baby walker. We have carpeted floors, absolutely no room for the baby to use the walker, and I had a long discussion at pils birthday lunch about how I didn't like them after my baby cousin had become injured when using one

Just tell her gently that you really appreciate it but you are buying new, and point her in the direction of a needy charity.

Either they're yours and so you can dispose of them as wished, or they're hers in which case she can't expect someone else to store them.

If you are worried about telling her why you want to buy new, tell her it may be your only baby and you are really enjoying looking around the shops and make decisions on these special purchases :-)

You aren't ungrateful & people will give/loan you stuff as a means for you to store their crap! As she has dumped stuff on your doorstep, just take it back when you are visiting & say you are full to the brim & the extra clutter is stressing you out. And politely decline anymore crap in the future!

You may need to be a bit firmer as she's using your place as a tip.

Next time she offers just say "no thanks, keep it" and don't engage with any blather. If she drops it off on your doorstep (weird behaviour) leave it at the kerb and let her know she can pick it up any time she likes

You (or your DH as it is his sister) should say to her "Thanks Sister for all of the baby items you've been passing our way. Unfortunately we just don't have the space to store them and as you've passed them along to us, I want to check to see if you want them back or if we can pass them along to someone else who will be able to use them. If you want them back, we can drop them off at yours or if you're happy for us to pass them along, we'll look after that too. You've been so kind giving us so many baby items that we are so overwhelmed." and see what she says.

She obviously doesn’t are about upsetting you so don’t give a toss about her.
I’d be asking her why she thought it was appropriate to foist dirty shite that stinks of fags on your precious baby?

Tell her you watched the show Tidying Up and Marie Kondo told you it all had to go.

Then bin, sell, donate all the stuff you don't want or need.

Adding in the baby walker present I think your SIL is deliberately doing the opposite of what you say. Have you sold the baby walker yet? If not, stick it on ebay/facebook marketplace/small ads etc and get a few pound for it. You're not going to use it, get rid.

I think the idea of returning the unwanted second hand stuff to her doorstep with a card and flowers is a good idea.

As has been mentioned by a PP, if they are yours you can dispose of them as you see fit. If they are still hers and 'on loan' then return them asap. She is causing you more work than you need with stuff you don't want, and unnecessary hassle and stress, get rid of that by being a bit more forceful and direct with her.

Ask her if she wants them back or if they belong to you/your dh/your baby now and make her give you a decisive answer, then you will know what to do with the stuff. If she won't give you a proper answer then tell her you will be returning it all to her at your convenience. If she refuses to take things back say if they are still in your possession by x date you will get rid. If she's the sort of person who will ask for things back in 5 years time for a friend who has a baby then make a list of the items, put down you are getting rid/giving away and both you or your dh and your SIL sign and date it. Put it in a safe place/junk drawer in case you need proof in future.

I'm struggling with declining second hand stuff. If people offer - I just say we have plenty/that already, but sometimes people don't take the hint and bring it round anyway. And then I (perhaps stupidly??) pretend to like it/want it out of politeness, because I can't say no. For me, its not that the stuff is crap I just want to chose/buy first hand. Its actually a nuisance because it just fills our house up at a time when we are trying ti streamline/keep as tidy as possible. I don't believe any of our friends or family would do this on purpose, but I do actually think its inconsiderate to just turn up with stuff, because then it feels really personal saying no we don't want something because you've used it before.

She is being passive aggressive OP.
Don't doubt your gut instincts.

She gets to declutter her own house without havng to pay to take it to the tip.....and it saves her having to clean the items before handing them into a charity shop.
She also gets to 'force' you into being subservient to her by manipulating the situation.

The only way to deal with her is to be assertive.
"Thanks but we have our own/want to buy the one we've chosen"
"Thanks but we don't need it"
"Thanks - but that's filthy, looks unsuitable and i'm not interested in cleaning it"
"Thankyou - but we told you we don't want this so take it back with you"
"We're grateful you want to help and we'll ask you when/if we need it"
"Thanks but we haven't decided on dc2 and if it happens we'll be buying new...anyway you keep it for dc4"

Let her call you ungrateful. Does her opinion really matter to you?
She's always going to find something to have a dig at you about so you need to toughen up.

She's being a CF and trying to get you to store all of her shit for her.

I second the Marie Kondo suggestion. Tell her that it doesn't "spark joy" so it has to go. You will be doing a big sort of the baby stuff this weekend - she's welcome to take anything she likes, but the rest of it is being donated on Monday.

Nice of her to give you the stuff.
Ridiculous of her to try to force you to keep it!

How ridiculous that she left a highchair after seeing that you had one

We left 2nd hand stuff at my mum's for when we stayed there, but were always asked first if we wanted stuff.

Any childminders nearby who would take it off your hands?

Do charities still collect?

What a cowbag! I have a spiky sil so I really understand. Any cross word or going against her rules breeds nastiness and a scene. I had enough of cowtowing to her and my brother - peas in a pod. So much nicer now we are nc.

She’s using you as a dumping ground. You clearly don’t have to put up with this and really should stand your ground. I know you probably want to keep things sweet for the sake of the children. But what you’ll very possibly discover is that she’ll treat your dc appallingly and let her kids do the same. Time to set some boundaries now. The more of a pushover you are now, the more difficult it will be in future and the more strongly they will react when you finally do stand up to them.

She's using you as a dumping ground for her unwanted baby stuff, so YOU have the responsibility of getting rid of it, not her, dressed up in a n illusion of being selfless and helping you out. Nothing wrong with the odd thoughtful hand me down, but I've seen this all too often and it's a piss-take. She should consider the fact that you might like to buy new stuff for your baby, which is part of the excitement of becoming a first time parent.

I agree that you need to stand your ground, don't let her be the alpha. If she has a strop (which is li kely) so be it!

It sounds to me like she's pretending to do you a favour instead of driving to the dump, I would take it back to her

Why is she giving you stuff after she sees you've already bought it, like the high chair? Why would you need two?

Not ungrateful at all. Especially with linen type stuff that's been in a smoker's home.

Coincidentally yesterday a friend of mine gave me a bag of toys yesterday for my 3mo baby that her two children (3 and 5yo) have outgrown. I will keep it all except the used Sophie Giraffe. Just google "Sophie giraffe mould" and you'll see why. I will have no qualms about chucking that one straight in the bin.

I've had this to some extent. I was and am grateful for a lot of the stuff but at the same time I'm a bit resentful that I can't choose the stuff I like because dh doesn't think we need to buy stuff we have been given for free. It's frustrating when it's something like a baby bouncer which doesn't lay flat enough for a newborn or vibrate and has a garish pattern.
I then started saying before each time we saw sil that we didn't have any room to store the sackfuls of clothing (3years in advance of needing).
It took about a year for her to get the message and she still tries to give me a bag of her favorites.

She's saving money on a skip.

My SIL does this, it’s infuriating. I think she does mean well but honestly everything she gives us is complete tat. Most of it is from Primark and has been through her two kids by the time it gets to us. Unfortunately my husband has tightwad tendencies so accepts everything with enthusiasm then I have to sneak it out of the house to the charity shop or the bins.

Sounds like she can't be arsed to go charity shop so she's dumping it all on you!

I was given some second hand things when pregnant with my first, and whilst grateful the things smelt and were quite dirty. As it was my Pfb I said Thankyou but chucked it. This wasn’t a close relative so she wouldn’t have noticed it wasn’t in use.
Now pg with my second and I’ve had no hand me downs given. To be honest I’d be grateful, we’re more strapped for cash this time!!