NICU staff being judgemental.

[NicuProblem]

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

Good heavens OP
You seem very highly strung and defensive about this. Seeing shadows where I highly doubt they are any.

Sorry if I missed this by why did you request?

But they are the experts and so probably know far more than we do about the “right” way to behave or act. I don’t think it’s a case that only their was is acceptable, just that if your behaviour differs from what they’re used to it might be a sign of a problem. It’s not a judgement.

But why not also make observations along lines of "mother reports sibling has additional needs , v distressed by absence ,father supporting sibling ,works anti social hours ,family no transport etc etc "

and I'm sorry but are staff really trying to guage emotional state by recording how much someone talks ? FFS how do they know whether that's the norm for an individual ?

PrivateDoor but most dads go to work after two weeks and most women do the bulk of the childcare. Not in every case and it shouldn't be that women have to if they don't want to but in many cases it works that way and I'd say it's quite a common occurrence. So I don't see what's unusual.

The elective cesarean family does seem a bit weird in that scenario though.

plain Its written in a way that misses out the context. So "dad doesn't visit often" instead of "dad visits weekly due to shifts and lack of transport".

I had a somewhat similar situation.
I had an emergency c section with my prem baby.
She was in nicu. I was kept on the ward though.
I was constantly at babies side and all my notes say refused this, refused that, wasn't at bedside to be treated.
Eventually someone came to speak to me.
I explained I was breastfeeding and had to express and take milk to the unit so they could tube feed baby.
I think you constantly feel siligty judged, like you are difficult or not doing things the way they would. But they never take into account the full situation and that a family is doing the most they can to juggle all responsibilities when they just want to sit and breakdown.
It would hurt to discuss it with someone if it gets you closure.

peridito that's what I'm upset about.

The responses to your thread are so interesting. Some jobs convey the status of ‘can do no wrong’ because of what they do. NICU nurse is one of them.

I found NICU a bit chaotic to be honest with a different nurse there every time I went in, all with their own opinions about how things done, all telling me how to do them, without thought that yesterday someone told me something different.

The nurses are just people, like we’re just people. I found it especially bad around breastfeeding.

I was a third time mother - I knew what I was doing - and I was still made to feel inadequate.

Sorry if I missed this by why did you request?

Possible negligence during delivery. I have mine too.

Their duty of care is to their patient - your baby - and not anyone else, including you. They are not able to release the patient unless they have established that said patient has a good support system in place and any safeguarding concerns have been addressed.

We had to complete a checklist with feeding routines and methods, bathing practice, baby first aid, car seat safety etc even though our son was only in for a week. They would not release him to our care without completing all of that, so I would have thought that the notes they were making were in preparation for completing this type of paperwork - that the fact you hadn't bathed the baby or asked about the feeding schedule was not a judgement but a note that it was a topic which needed to be covered before the patient could be discharged to your care.

I'm sure you and your partner did your best and I'm glad you're all home together now. Try and put this behind you and enjoy your family.

Raerderle I found that. One person would tell me to do it one way then the next day someone else would tell me that was wrong and make me feel stupid.

Your situation is not unusual.
Limited transport and a father that needs to work and a little one at home.

They will have seen this situation time and time again. And yet they made observations on your specific scenario. If they do express concern it is because their observations were a cause of concern.

But they are the experts and so probably know far more than we do about the “right” way to behave or act.

they are NICU staff ,not psychiatrists ! How can there be a right way to behave !

Yet no one's been able to say why it's concerning other than maybe they thought I had PND and a partner who didn't help me. In which case they should have spoken to me about it surely.

The staff would make observations from the baby's perspective. If what they recorded was accurate then you have no cause for complaint. From what you have said I cannot see why your DH did not visit in the day more often if he was only working at night. Equally he could have cared for your older child while you visited more often.

I think there has to be somewhere for the rage to go.

You’re happy at how your family handled things, you’re happy that your baby is home, but there is also anger that it happened like that and I found that anger attached to things I wouldn’t have bothered about before it all happpened. A friend’s thoughtless comment or a nurse’s snap judgement on the notes.

Doesn’t mean yoy’re wrong to feel cross or judged, but your emotions are understandably running high. What do you think would help to feel better?

OP many on here have supported your position and advised you to write in, please don't keep coming on here trying to justify yourself to those who think any care on the NHS is more than acceptable.

You are unhappy and worried. Put a letter together to the head of maternity services, or take advice from PALS particularly if you need to make a complaint about your birth experience as well. But don't make yourself feel even worse by dealing with yet more judgements on this thread.

AIBU was the worst place to have posted but glad to see some people have been kind and sensible.

From what you have said I cannot see why your DH did not visit in the day more often if he was only working at night. Equally he could have cared for your older child while you visited more often.

Have you ever waited tables? I could barely stand after a long shift. It's all been explained, maybe read a bit closer.

OP
Do the notes say “concerning”?

Or are they simply observations that you have judged to be representative of concern?

OP, you say your DH's shifts changed- presumably then there must have been times when the gaps between them were bigger? Surely he could have visited then? I totally get that it was a very difficult time for you but I can't imagine not being able to visit more than once a week (not least because presumably he got two days per week off?).
The stories above of very young children on children's wards not being visited make me want to cry to be honest. I just don't get it at all and would hope that a SS response would be triggered in such situations.

It was noted in parental comments section.

You would hope that we would be referred to SS because one parent visited often and the other weekly?

Very recently, my 26-weeker preemie DD spent 15 weeks in NICU - it was the hardest 15 weeks of my life.

One thing that became plain to me was that due to the vast number of staff working under high pressure, not everything got handed over shift to shift. Subsequently I found myself constantly having to fill in the gaps and update various nurses on adjustments to DD's care and my personal situation.

Once a nurse accidentally left DD's confidential file open on the 'family notes' section and I saw something written about me that was completely factually inaccurate. I subsequently requested all the notes and found yet more inaccuracies which left me reeling and feeling incredibly judged just like you do.

Due to mine and my husband's situation, we were able to be with DD for at least 12 hours a day, but my point is that if it wasn't your attendance they criticised, it could well be something else, purely down to their own lack of communication and awareness.

I understand first-hand how it must sting - I thought of taking it further and making a complaint, but I came to the conclusion that raking over it would make me feel even worse. My daughter is now happy and healthy and that's the main thing.

No not you OP. I was referring to a PPs story of children on a children's ward aged 0-2 receiving no visitors at all.

It is hard if you are different. Eg if there were a crisis or death I would probably not cry to other people and I have always thought the police would decide I must be a murderer - just because I keep it together more than most people. May be the notes could just have a correction added.

I work full time. Wehn our children have been in hospital (rarely) we have always made sure someone visited a bit but it would be nothing like other families. My oldest was in over night (nice private hospital- tonsils out) when about 6 or 7 she was happily alone all night, managed ordering her meal on her own and I just felt she had gained hugely by our not being there every second of the day. People just differ and nurses should allow for the fact we are not all made in some communist mode as clones of each other.