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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NICU staff being judgemental.

704 replies

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 06/02/2019 12:10

Why don't you write down a big, angry response, rebutting everything they said? Then put it away. It'll help to get all the emotions out - the anger, the upset, the sadness.
If you want to then write a formal response to be added to your notes, you can do that later.
Your emotions are still raw and I understand why this has upset you but you did the absolute best you could for both your DCs Flowers

JemSynergy · 06/02/2019 12:10

I would discuss it with them. I requested my medical notes after a very difficult birth and in my notes there were comments that I had shouted at my husband "to get me out of here now" this was totally untrue and never happened! I wrote a letter of complaint and asked for it to be removed. Seems slightly trivial now 11 years on but I so upset to read those comments at the time. I also discovered the member of staff who had accessed my notes and wrote those comments should not have!

Racecardriver · 06/02/2019 12:12

That would have been put in as a medical relevance rather than a judgement. Just so that people looking at the file knew to keep and eye on your and DH for PND/PPD.

JaneTheVirgin · 06/02/2019 12:27

I'm sorry OP, but a father only visiting once a week and not wanting do to much with baby is absolutely abnormal, and as long as what the nurses wrote was a simple factual log, they've done nothing wrong. And you can't use the night shift excuse to people when a) he didn't work night shift and b) you are trying this with nurses who absolutely do work night shift. 12 hour ones, until 7am, trying to keep tiny babys alive. His excuse is bullshit.

You on the other hand, I understand completely. It seems like you were alone a lot during this time and I'm sorry you were trying to do everything. Your husband really needed to pull himself together.

ChariotsofFish · 06/02/2019 12:28

I can see why they have noted down those things then, following your last post. NICU has a regular rhythm and if you spend enough time there you know that they feed and do cares to a schedule. If you weren’t following that then they may have thought you just weren’t paying enough attention or we’re deliberately avoiding it. Nobody wants to be their baby’s tube feeds alone, but most parents do it because that’s what you have to do for a sick baby. And your DH seems to have been open that he was actively avoiding handling your tiny baby. Can you not see why those things in combination were worth keeping track of?

My DD’s baby book notes from the hospital have details of how much of her care I was doing (I got to stay with her as part of a new approach, but had been v ill myself). They have stars drawn on for when I was doing everything!

Looneytune253 · 06/02/2019 12:31

Maybe they were worried about you rather than judging? Maybe they wondered if you were coping with everything so kept a log so they could keep an eye on you and then offer support if needed? Have you asked them?

PrivateDoor · 06/02/2019 12:34

I agree that your last post does change things slightly. Unwell prem babies are never fed on demand, but to the schedule. Firstly to ensure their nutritional needs are met but also because staff just cannot manage to feed babies on demand, did you expect them to be fed on demand when you weren't there? Given how much input the staff had to have into their care feeding on demand is incredibly unrealistic.

ArfArfBarf · 06/02/2019 12:38

I understand and I don’t think you or your dh have done anything wrong. You don’t drive, you have a child at home and your dh works awkward shifts and you prioritised having a parent at the hospital every morning for over 10 weeks. I can understand why you are upset - you managed to cope despite really difficult circumstances and now you’re being told that actually what you did wasn’t good enough.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:39

I was told to feed when showing feeding cues and if whole bottle not finished then rest would be out down the tube and if she made no feeding cues then she'd be fed 3 hourly and then 4 hourly later. She want fed on demand as in not feeding her when she didn't make cues. It was about creating a positive association as she struggled with sucking.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:41

Wasn't not want.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:42

For everyone saying my husband wasn't good enough none of you have been able to say why it matters which parent is doing the bulk of the care.

OP posts:
PrivateDoor · 06/02/2019 12:43

So they told you to feed on demand (very unusual in this situation) and then berated you when you did? This is all very odd. I actually don't think anyone can really explain this op except for the nurses themselves. If it continues to upset you then really it is them that you need to discuss this with.

Biologifemini · 06/02/2019 12:44

You haven’t done anything wrong and it is just a statement of fact, rather than judgement.

TradingMum · 06/02/2019 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:45

They told me to offer her feeds on demand to encourage her sucking as she was really uncoordinated. She had her regular 3 and later 4 hourly tube feeds until she was much more reliable with her cues. I've probably explained that badly basically she had a tube and was really bad at sucking for a long time so we started with fingers dipped in milk and went from there.

OP posts:
HopefullyAnonymous · 06/02/2019 12:46

I can see why they might have been worried; quite a few on the things you mention might give cause for concern, particularly taken together. You seem quite defensive of the fact that you weren’t as engaged as maybe they’d expect is normal.

It is unusual for DH to visit weekly. Whether it meant having an hour less sleep or some other small sacrifice, he could have found a way to be there more. Not wanting to touch/dress her is ridiculous and a little pathetic.

That being said, it must have been a stressful time and none of us know how we will react or cope til it happens to us. Put it to the back of your mind and enjoy having her home.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:46

Entered too soon. We built up to feeding her when she showed cues because for ages she wouldn't complete a feed and we wanted her to associate sucking with feeding.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:48

Perhaps this is just my background but men not wanting to dress/change newborns, even full term ones, seems very normal to me. Most men I know have fears of the baby being much smaller than they are. When she was small even I was apprehensive at first so I get why men, who are generally larger would feel anxious.

OP posts:
peridito · 06/02/2019 12:48

I've read the first 5 pages of this and couldn't face reading more judgemental/patronising/completely unsympathtic comments .

Why are ppl giving the OP such a hard time ?

OP I would feel exactly like you .

Yes I think you should give feedback .

Think these comments are helpful

Write a neutral informative letter about your experience and how you felt. Maybe next time for another family they will broach more conversations and understand different circumstances better. Maybe instead of monitoring it will lead more to a culture of talking to people better, or adding parental comments to diaries or something. Maybe that culture will help someone not coping or even just incline staff to think about emotional and practical issues more when interacting. It doesn’t have to be a complaint, just feedback from your perspective acknowledging the care but sharing your experience for future learning

Lots of hugs OP and Flowers and Brew

If NICU staff write comments re visiting and the amount someone speaks ( which I doubt even a trained psychologist would extrapolate into making a dx of potential PND or think they could judge whether this was the norm for that person ) then they can also record the responses from the person they are commenting on about home and paternal circs .

Crunchymum · 06/02/2019 12:48

@JaneTheVirgin

Do fuck off with your judgement and scorn.

The OP has explained time and time again why he DP wasn't there that much!!!

PrivateDoor · 06/02/2019 12:48

I definitely didn't say your oh wasn't good enough (I said I think he did great in the circumstances) however I would like to answer your question anyway.

Baby should have the opportunity to bond with both parents, not just one. Also it raises concerns about you - as I said before, are you getting enough support. Is there DV. You were quiet and apparently appeared disinterested and he was rarely around - can you honestly not see why this would concern them? I still think they handled it very badly though!

I am a midwife and we once had a mum who had an elective section and the dad popped in with the older children, dropped them off with her and left. Staff ended up having to care for the children. This was seen as a huge red flag - especially in the context of a planned section. However, I am sure it was all very different from their perspective.

Kikipost · 06/02/2019 12:49

They weren’t judging OP FGS

They are far too busy and preoccupied to be judging. They made observations and noted them accordingly. If you don’t like the observations then that is your problem.
To not be talkative is not a criticism. It’s an observation. And you don’t like it.
And as for your husband, that is unusual.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 12:49

Were any untruths on your notes? Was every thing factual and not subjective?

eg
Dad visited once a week (factual)
Dad only bothered to visit once this week (subjective)
Mum comes every day at 11 and leaves at 3 to collect other children (factual)
Mum spends little time on the ward and seems eager to leave (subjective)

We are taught to report 'gut instincts' because they are often the missing part of the puzzle.

So what are you actually going to complain about? Was anything in the notes an untruth?

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 12:49

I'm defensive as you put it because I feel like I've been judged for not doing something the way they decided I should when there wasn't anything actively wrong with the way I did it. It feels like they decided there's only one acceptable way of doing things and anyone who does it differently is not good enough.

OP posts:
ChariotsofFish · 06/02/2019 12:49

That is unusual and doesn’t make much sense. To build up sucking you normally start the scheduled feed with breast or bottle then switch to the tube. What were they saying you were missing? The scheduled feeds?