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Original poster

NICU staff being judgemental.

704 replies

NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 09:31

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

OP posts:
Youknowmedontyou · 06/02/2019 18:56

@Crunchymum well said!!

Sleeplikeasloth · 06/02/2019 19:00

I've only said what numerous other posters have said. I'm far from the only person saying it's poor form.

I've said my piece.
Good luck OP, now your baby is home. I hope you get some good time as a family together.

Youknowmedontyou · 06/02/2019 19:01

So your not going to answer my question then @Sleeplikeasloth? Interesting!

TheNavigator · 06/02/2019 19:03

Sleepslikeasloth - 'poor form' - this isn't the sixth year common room. Just because other people have said it doesn't make it right - you sound like a school kid caught out bullying. Away with your juvenile and ill formed judgements on people's real hard lives.

Mmmmbrekkie · 06/02/2019 19:09

Imagine the really. The actual reality. Of visiting your babies once. Once. In 7 days.

It is strange. I know he had serious work commitments. I know that. But come on!!!! Actually imagine seeing your new poorly babies (or infact your old poorly babies. Once over 7 days).

Where there’s a will there’s a way. Simple as that.

CherryPavlova · 06/02/2019 19:13

I can see how you think it should judgemental but there are very good clinical reasons for noting the quality and duration of interactions between the parents and infant.
Far from not appreciating the additional stresses of other children particularly if one has special needs, they understand that having a child in NICU is hugely stressful and presents many challenges. They weren’t so much judging in terms of being crItical but in terms of whether there might be extra support needed.
I’m not suggesting in any way that your baby is or was at risk but there is a higher incidence of child abuse amongst babies who have spent time in NICU. They have an obligation to assess the safety of the child before discharge.
The fault is not in recording visits and interaction but in not discussing the staffs concerns openly with you.

Raspberry88 · 06/02/2019 19:15

Where there’s a will there’s a way. Simple as that.

How inane...thank you for your contribution. This is how this family chose to manage things. Life isn't just platitudes, it's real and just because you wouldn't do things the same way doesn't mean you're right.

Crunchymum · 06/02/2019 19:17

Imagine the reality of having a baby in hospital for 10 weeks , imagine the reality of having another disabled child at home, imagine the reality of having no way of easily getting to the hospital, imagine the reality of having a job with long and changing shifts, imagine the reality of being in a job threat offered you absolutely zero support for your parenting needs.

bastardkitty · 06/02/2019 19:20

It wasn't okay for the baby and they were absolutely right to document it and raise a concern. Your circumstances are obviously very difficult. Visiting once a week is indefensible.

Neverunderfed · 06/02/2019 19:23

Fuck me, this thread is like a who's who of arseholes.

TheNavigator · 06/02/2019 19:24

Visiting once a week is indefensible

It is only indefensible in that the OP does not have to defend it. Not to you, not to the NICU staff and not to herself. The family pulled together through a tough time and came out the other side. They are to be commended, not criticised by posters who doubtless couldn't cope with walking in their shoes.

pallisers · 06/02/2019 19:27

How the fuck do you know that it wasn't okay for baby? And how can you be such a cunt as to say that to this mother? How? Do you think she is a russian computerbot at the other end? Do you even consider it might be a real mother who posted because she was in tears about her notes? imagine how she feels now. Actually I suspect many of you are and are feeling great as a result - it is the entire point.

The staff documented it. They did NOT raise a concern. The OP has confirmed this. They did not offer any support - presumably because they had no concerns - that or they are negligent fools. Can you not read? or were you too busy rushing to judgement.

This thread is an actual disgrace.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 19:28

For the people criticising us. My husband graduated university and took a temporary job in order to cover our living costs while he looked for one in the field he wanted to work in. I had recently got back into work after a long period of absence due to child1s disabilities. He found a new job and applied and was given the job with the start date in a couple of months three weeks after my due date as he had to clear security. Our plan was for him to take his holiday pay and paternity for those three weeks and then go fresh into his new job, meaning he would work regular hours with a stable income.

Unfortunately I delivered long before my due date and we found ourselves in the unfortunate position of him still having a rubbish zero hours job and also of me not getting maternity pay because I hadn't worked long enough at my new job, if I had given birth even three weeks later I would have qualified. I was the higher earner too. So we found ourselves suddenly with no stable income. I had to drag myself at 3 days PP still with surgical stockings on to the register office so I could get a birth very and claim child benefits as I had absolutely no other source of income. We don't have massive savings yet as he's only recently graduated and we didn't want to use what we do have, around 1k, on rent for a month and food when we are saving for a house deposit and possibly a car both of which will come in far more use in the future to us as a family.

This is the reality of having a prem baby you can get left with absolutely nothing very quickly. Once she was stable we focused on damage control and making sure our eldest still felt his parents cared about him and that DH wouldn't lose his job as for the next few weeks that was the only income we had bar child benefits.

I don't think this makes us bad parents. It makes us poor. Being poor isn't a crime.

Thankfully his new job has now started and were in a better position with money. But people who judge, you have no idea when you might get made redundant or served with a no fault eviction. Almost everyone is one payday away from being in this situation so please try not to think badly of people trying to stay afloat.

OP posts:
Howhot · 06/02/2019 19:28

OP I think you have to accept that visiting once a week was poor. You can justify it all you want but from the hospitals perspective their priority is your DC. Personally I don't think it's a bad thing that they picked up on it and monitored it. They clearly decided no action was needed, probably due to the reasons you have provided, but they have a duty of care. With our stretched NHS resources it actually relieves me that they took the time to look at the situation. Clearly your DC is loved and you say you both have a good bond with them but not everyone's story is the same

UnicornRainbowsRain · 06/02/2019 19:30

Anyone in contact with children notes thing that may as a full picture cause concern. For instance, as a teacher if a child is a bit smelly once I'm going to note it. Once could be an number of factors but multiple times causes concern.

They have noted that your husband was unusually absent, as perhaps were you but not to the same extent. If further down the line you stopped appearing and social services stepped in then they could look back for small things flagged before. However, this wasn't the case- you in particular did you best and your child happily came home to you.

It's not a criticism of you, it's keeping your baby safe. When small things are missed with children, often not noted by multiple professionals (doctors, teachers, health visitors) then that's when babies and children slip through the cracks and we start to have tragedies.

I never asked for my labour and NICU notes. It would be too traumatic and open up too many unanswered questions. I have thought about it though. I hope you and your family manage to heal from this experience Thanks it's very traumatic but time makes things easier.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 19:31

What did DD actually miss out on? What could he have done other than a few nappies? Nothing he did would make any tangible difference to her. Having a roof and food on the table does.

OP posts:
pollyname · 06/02/2019 19:32

OP, I wonder if they were documenting the visiting to potentially make a case for additional support to be made to you once your baby was discharged? Ie, funding for x hours of support a week? As it was documented you were stretched due to the other child and your DH had a time-demanding job?

This may not be the case, but they could very well have done it as a way to help you somehow. Sounds like you and your DH did the best under very difficult circumstances.

TheNavigator · 06/02/2019 19:33

OP I think you have to accept that visiting once a week was poor.

No, no, no. Why should she accept this? To please the sanctimonious, clueless idiots on this thread? No. Read the OP's last post. Really read it. Properly. Then read yours. And if you don't feel embarrassed and ashamed then you are beyond hope.

OP - I salute you, well done for coping so admirably through such a tough time. Don't let the notes drag you down, you did an amazing job with a shitty hand and anyone with any sense and compassion would realise that.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 19:37

Polly if that was the case I wish they had spoken to me. I asked if our ward had one of those cuddle volunteers who could hold her while I wasn't there as she hated being put down and I didn't want her upset, even though I would prefer to hold her I would have been happy for someone else to when I couldn't get in because I didn't want DD to be upset because of our difficulties getting in. I was told we didn't have them.

OP posts:
Courchevel · 06/02/2019 19:38

So you visited once a day, your DH once a week... the baby was left alone a lot then? Thinking of this is making me feel sad for the baby who has just come into the world... Is this how it usually works in NICU? Was the baby very poorly and therefore not aware they were left alone?
I'm not judging, you had diffixult circumstances. But my brand new born needed me and I wasnt apart from him for months.

recklessruby · 06/02/2019 19:40

OP, I don't know why you are getting such a hard time here.
Your dh sounds like a good dad, out providing for dc and working a tough minimum wage job. What should he have done? Lose that job so he could sit beside a prem baby who s mum was there and won't remember.
My ds was prem and I sat by his side for days. Guess what? He doesn't remember anything.
My db was prem too but my dm was ill after his birth and couldn't be there. Df visited when he could but was working full time and looking after me.
Guess what? Db doesn't remember that either.
Bonding isn't some instant thing that needs to happen in the first weeks of life. It's caring for your child day in, day out, doing all the normal things OP and her dh will do now their baby s home.

Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 19:40

Courch she slept for a lot of it. She used to cry being put down but once settled she used to just sleep. She was very poorly yes. We had six weeks of anguish at the beginning when we were told to prepare for the worst and we were both in a lot during that time. Once we got the notice that she was likely going to recover we both made a plan on how to handle the next few weeks and get through what was a rubbish time in the best way we could.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicuProblem · 06/02/2019 19:42

I don't understand the bonding either. I was separated from my mother and father at 10 days old due to my mum needing emergency surgery and being in a position where she could potentially have died. My dad had no idea what to do with a newborn and gave me to my grandparents and went to be with my mum. I was there for two weeks I think. I have no memory of this and am close with my parents!

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 06/02/2019 19:44

I feel for you. we had this in a foreign country absolutely no family support and few friends and certainly no-one we could ask to help. I had an 18 month old and a prem baby and Dh was trying to carry on working. Eventually got or toddler into his nursery for extended hours to help but it was awful.

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2019 19:45

OP and they saw that

You need to see it like this - for the first 6 weeks you were there all the time then once you knew she was going to come home you made a plan to get through it.

They noticed and decided to monitor to check that everything was alright - presumably given nothing was said they didnt note any concerns after

They were doing their job. You did the best you could
No one has done anything wrong. Remember for the most part these notes are not for you - they are for the caregivers of your child