An adult is saying DS is lying, DS is defiant that he isn't

[ThatMotherHen]

More a what would you do really.

He's a teen with special needs. I don't think he's an angel at all, I'm not one of those but he is usually well behaved and usually very accurate.

Ds came home and told me something I wasn't happy with which was said by an adult. I queried it twice and he told me the same story word for word. Even when he knew I was going to speak to the adult he stuck to the same story.

The adult is saying they didn't say it. Well more along the lines of don't recall saying it. (It's something they would recall and was the same day!)
DS is still insistent and sticking to his story and is furious to be called a liar.

What would you do?

Depends what was said

Really need to know what was said, to decide a course of action.

Whole thing could be explained by ds mishearing/misunderstanding, or by the adult unwittingly mins-speaking.

Generally, it's important that your ds knows if he tells you something that has upset him, he will be believed.

That is a difficult one! It would depend who the adult was and what exactly was meant to have been said. Sorry I can't be much help OP.

Is the lie having repercussions on anyone? If it’s a case if she says, who says, then frankly I’d just say it’s been dealt with and is a non issue.

Why does it matter so much?

"I don't recall" = I said it but i am denying in a way that makes me feel I am not outright lying, still denying it but covering my arms if I get caught

I’d believe my child

I’d believe DS while keeping in mind he may not have understood the spirit in which the thing was said.

I'd believe my child in this instance. Adult hasn't denied it either.

Depends what was said. If it's not important then you can let him know that you believe him and that should be enough. If it's serious then it will need appropriate action to be taken

On the whole when my children repeat things word for word I find they are telling the truth.

An adult saying they don’t recall saying something? I’d be more inclined to think bollocks.

Depends how important it is. If it's just trivial believe your son and shrug it off, watching out for other stuff the adult is spouting.

“I don’t recall” is not calling your ds a liar. Surely the answer to that is “well it might not have been important to you but it was to ds please watch what you say in future”.

'I don't recall saying that,' is the sort of thing politicians say when they don't want to admit it, but equally don't want to lie outright (though it amounts to the same thing IMO).
In this case I'd tend to believe your ds.

I'd believe the child. "I don't recall" to me sounds like they did but don't want to admit to it. If they didn't they would have said so.

Depends what was actually said.

The adult is almost certainly lying.

I had a friend who used the “I don’t recall” defence when called before his professional body to answer a complaint. The thing he was accused of saying was so outrageous that there’s no way he woukdn’t remember.

I remember thinking I wouldn’t have to try to recall what I said as I knew for an absolute fact I would never have said something so appalling.

Was it something quite horrible the adult supposedly said?

I tend to agree with those who say the use of “I do not not recall” in the circumstances you outline tends to support your son telling truth.

What to do about it depends on what was said and what that means for other people. But there’s rarely much you can do about he said/she said situations other than let your son know you believe him and keep it in mind for the future.

I love how some of you are saying 'depends what was said'. No it bloody doesn't and it's none of your business!!

OP- believe your son if your hunch is that he isn't lying, you know him best. Have a word with the adult and make it clear you don't appreciate them lying about a child.

I agree with others

'I dont recall' is a cop out

I would believe your child

Argh I was trying to vague as I really didn't want to out myself. I have already name changed but I can see why it would be hard to answer without context.
It isn't safeguarding related but definitely something which if said I am not happy with.

I suppose it matters to me because my son is a child who has only recently began to trust adults to speak up about things which upset him and has been made out to be a liar Infront of other adults so that now he just won't bother because they won't believe him anyway.

I think that is what has upset me.

"I don't recall" is what MPs and such like always say when they have been caught saying something dodgy and don't want to flat out deny it, but don't want to own up to it either. (They usually end up admitting it and have to resign anyway.) So, on that basis, I'd tend to believe your son. What you do about it depends entirely on what was actually said and how serious it was.

Yup, believe your son.
The 'I dont recall' phrase is used by slippery fish.

What SN does he have, could that be relevant? I teach and was once 'accused' of saying something, that I was 100% sure I would never ever say, it was contrary to everything that is me.

The child was upset and I was perplexed. Until I realised some time later when another pupil said something, that I had indeed said it, but in this case context was everything, as I was saying it is an approach or a thought that some people may take, and had gone on to explain how it was wrong.

The child had remembered me saying it but not why. Is that a possibility?

As to what I would do, I suspect I would point out to whoever is in charge that if they person can’t recall whether they said something that bad, that clearly implies it is something they feel it would have been appropriate for them to have said, which just isn’t good enough. And that you would have thought better of the person had they had the common decency to own up and apologise. What example does this set to a vulnerable child?