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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An adult is saying DS is lying, DS is defiant that he isn't

78 replies

ThatMotherHen · 06/02/2019 07:44

More a what would you do really.

He's a teen with special needs. I don't think he's an angel at all, I'm not one of those but he is usually well behaved and usually very accurate.

Ds came home and told me something I wasn't happy with which was said by an adult. I queried it twice and he told me the same story word for word. Even when he knew I was going to speak to the adult he stuck to the same story.

The adult is saying they didn't say it. Well more along the lines of don't recall saying it. (It's something they would recall and was the same day!)
DS is still insistent and sticking to his story and is furious to be called a liar.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Stardustinmyeyes · 06/02/2019 08:12

I agree with others, anyone who says I don't recall is trying not to be caught. I would believe your child

TatianaLarina · 06/02/2019 08:13

It depends what was said and if someone on here knew you or your son they would have already recognised you from your account.

TatianaLarina · 06/02/2019 08:14

What SN does he have, could that be relevant? I teach and was once 'accused' of saying something, that I was 100% sure I would never ever say, it was contrary to everything that is me.

The child was upset and I was perplexed. Until I realised some time later when another pupil said something, that I had indeed said it, but in this case context was everything, as I was saying it is an approach or a thought that some people may take, and had gone on to explain how it was wrong.

Interesting, I can see how that would have happened.

Drogosnextwife · 06/02/2019 08:15

Yup the adult is lying. "I don't recall" is basically an admission of guilt. If they definitely didn't say it they would know for sure.

Atalune · 06/02/2019 08:16

What was said?

What is the impact?

mirialis · 06/02/2019 08:21

Perhaps the adult chose to say to you "I don't recall doing that" rather than saying harshly to your face "your son is a liar". It's impossible for MN to be the jury on this as some people are trying to be - they don't even know what was said!

Oblomov19 · 06/02/2019 08:21

I had a locum GP accuse me of something dreadful, lie, instigate proceedings.

And later when I quoted her verbatim she claimed she "didn't recall".

It's the biggest load of tosh ever. Especially when they've said something scandalous or career threatening. Makes me think of MP's and Sir Philip Green and the likes of people like him.

I bet you can't prove anything. Now. But I'd email. So it was in writing.
My default is not to believe this person.

WhatTheNightBrings · 06/02/2019 08:25

I believe your son.

For my DD (ASD), being lied to or about is one thing she cannot tolerate, and this turned out to be a pattern of behaviour from the adult who should have been in a position of trust. It escalated in a big way and has had an extremely detrimental effect on my daughter in the long run.

Missingstreetlife · 06/02/2019 08:26

Is it a relative, teacher, someone in authority or just a neighbour or friend. Someone who has regular contact? Does it impact on others, need to be reported, is it worth falling out over. Believe your child but be open to a misunderstanding. If it's likely to repeat you need to know more, if not you can let it go if dc is happy for that

Canshopwillshop · 06/02/2019 08:28

I think it’s important that your child knows you believe him. You know him best and it sounds like you think he’s telling the truth. The adult is being a bit cagey by saying they don’t recall. I would just tell your DS that you’ve spoken to the adult and even though they don’t seem to remember saying it, you believe him that they did and even though there is no apology, at least the adult is now aware that whatever was said upset him.

agrow1 · 06/02/2019 08:31

I am sure your son is telling the truth but sometimes you need to hear things in context, e.g. perhaps he might have taken an off the cuff remark more literally than intended. I would explain to son that sometimes when adults are very busy they don't always remember exactly what was said and just help him to move on.

HowardSpring · 06/02/2019 08:32

Sorry = pointless AIBU.
We don't know what was said, ("You are an ugly stupid child" - or "We had chips for lunch"); who said it, what and how severe your child's difficulties are, when and where this occurred, (school?hospital? a shop? yesterday? three weeks ago?), how well the child knows the adult etc etc

Likely it is a misunderstanding but who knows? Unless you give more info we can't advise. "I don't recall" is perfectly reasonable if indeed the person doesn't.

I'd smooth it over and forget about it unless there is a reason to think the adult should not be around that child or contact should be limited - in which case act on that.

Atchiclees · 06/02/2019 08:33

I have a special needs teen, I would believe my child.

PenguinPandas · 06/02/2019 08:35

I have a SEN kid and he's generally very honest (a bit too honest at times!) but with something like this would question him a few times as you have and if consistent would believe.

The only thing is sometimes he doesn't make allowances other people would. So he told me he had told his teacher once another child had hit him with a big branch and the teacher just said never mind, don't worry about it. I think in reality what probably happened is he either mumbled it and she didn't hear or he told her in a long conversation of about 20 minutes at minute 14 when she had zoned out. I told him he should repeat it with things like that. I did ask the teacher and she said it is a phrase she uses but she had no idea he had said what he did but she agreed with me that was likely what happened.

Original poster
ThatMotherHen · 06/02/2019 08:37

Thanks,
I think I will leave it and just keep an ear out for further comments as I can't prove it.
The adult told DS he didn't say it, well I don't recall saying that.
Another adult talked with DS and told DS they had spoken to the adult and he hasn't said that.

'For my DD (ASD), being lied to or about is one thing she cannot tolerate,'

Yes this. Whatthenightbrings Especially as like I said the speaking out when upset is a new development and he may not bother now.

I mentioned the SN as my son usually repeats things parrot fashion. I once had a conversation with a friend who ran a sports group DS attended.
She was telling me that some of the group had been a nightmare. I told her I knew and repeated back word for word her entire rant as DS had been there and she was horrified. Hence it would be unusual for him not to be accurate.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 06/02/2019 08:39

Believe your son, he doesn't usually lie so why would he start now by making something up? The teacher is prevaricating but context is everything and she may not remember what she said precisely. I don't think there's much you can do about it but you've registered your displeasure, she knows you trust your child and will be more careful in future. We all say things clumsily sometimes so let's give her the benefit of the doubt - on this one occasion. If she makes a habit of it, plenty of other parents will be having a moan and she'll be seriously taken to task.

Boost your son - he'll be confident if he knows parents are behind him.

HowardSpring · 06/02/2019 08:41

I also have a special needs teen. Yesterday I said "Come on it's eight o'clock we need to get moving!"

He said, "It isn't".
I said, "Come on, it is and I need to leave now".
He said "It is NOT eight o'clock. It is five to eight".
Me: "It doesn't make any difference - we need to leave now or we will miss the train"
HIM - "Yes but you are wrong"

(I was - but ask me in two weeks what I said and I won't remember as this happens all the time and will be one of a hundred instances)

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 06/02/2019 08:47

I have no idea whether your son is correct in what he is saying.

But I strongly disagree that "I don't recall" proves the adult is lying. If someone asks me about something I often say "I don't remember that" or "No, I don't think so...?" when I am perfectly clear in my recollection and know that what they asking did not happen. I may be choosing not to be confrontational, or polite, rather than brusque. I would not base any belief on the use of this expression rather than a flat denial.

TheLastNigel · 06/02/2019 08:48

My exh's go to when he is in the wrong or wants to get out of something is 'I don't recall saying that'. Standard adult speak for 'I know I said it but I don't want to admit it'
I'd believe DS.

marymarkle · 06/02/2019 08:50

I wouldn't assume the teacher is lying.
When I used to work with kids I used to say I don't remember saying that in similar situations where I knew I hadn't said that. It was because I had found from experience that if I said I hadn't said something, that some parents got very aggressive and in my face saying things like - are you saying my kid is lying. I found saying I didn't remember saying that led to less aggression.

In terms of whether she said it or not, who knows. I have been with two adults who both remembered a conversation totally differently. And that is because context, tone of voice and how well someth8ng is communicated all matters.

In this situation I would say I believe my DS. Say the teacher was wrong. But do nothing else. If she did say it, she knows it was wrong and will be more careful next time. If she didn't say it or your do misinterpreted it, no harm done.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/02/2019 08:53

Tell your child that you believe them OP. I don't recall... means I did it but I'm not admitting it and is said by well shifty types.

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/02/2019 08:53

I would tell DS that you believe him, but that the adult either doesn't remember saying it or is embarrassed to have said it so there isn't really anything you can do this time, but that if anything similar is said you will be doing 'x' to deal with it. (Don't know what was said so not sure what is appropriate)

MzHz · 06/02/2019 08:55

I’d believe your son. He has nothing to gain by lying, but the adult with their “I don’t recall” bollocks absolutely DOES recall what they said, and is furthermore insulting your ds by inference that he’s stupid/unreliable

Bugger that. I’d be furious.

I’d tell the adult about ds perfect recall and suggest that the adult should spend 5 minutes to “recall” properly and apologise for (a) having said what they said, and (b) lying about it.

I’d struggle to forgive this tbh.

AnoukSpirit · 06/02/2019 08:56

"I don't recall" = I said it but i am denying in a way that makes me feel I am not outright lying, still denying it but covering my arms if I get caught

Yup. This.

AnoukSpirit · 06/02/2019 09:00

I would tell DS that you believe him, but that the adult either doesn't remember saying it or is embarrassed to have said it so there isn't really anything you can do this time, but that if anything similar is said you will be doing 'x' to deal with it. (Don't know what was said so not sure what is appropriate)

I do think it would be useful to explain along these lines... It's not right for him to be left feeling that nobody believes him etc. Especially given his previously demonstrated ability to quote people back word for word.

Adults do lie when they don't want to face the consequences of their actions. Even adults in supposedly respectable positions who are supposed to act with integrity.