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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sometimes find it infuriating trying to have a discussion with DP

66 replies

FourCrumpets · 05/02/2019 15:57

NC because I'm very irritated right now and I don't trust myself to be coherent

Been with DP for almost a year and everything's great. Now that we're comfortable with each other though, I'm sometimes finding it very hard to have any sort of discussion with him!

We were just out doing the weekly shop (it's our day off), he saw something he disapproved of, declared that "that's idiotic", and when I tried to counter that statement he simply said, "It's obvious why. I can't talk to you when you're being stupid." DP prides himself on being "very smart" which I don't necessarily dispute but really now?

This has only happened maybe 4 times so far with topics ranging from parking to "which lifestyle is better" (vague but won't go into details cause it is too specific and might be outing).

AIBU to start doubting this whole fucking relationship?

OP posts:
MirriVan · 05/02/2019 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halfwitpicker · 05/02/2019 16:02

AIBU to start doubting this whole fucking relationship?

^

No.

halfwitpicker · 05/02/2019 16:03

As in, YANBU at all.

He's sounds like an arse.

GertrudeWilloughby · 05/02/2019 16:08

So he shuts you down whenever you hold a point of view that differs from his?

That's not a good thing.

Original poster
FourCrumpets · 05/02/2019 16:13

Another line I remember is "if you say so" or "up to you" when he "can't be arsed to argue anymore"!! I know I should be calmer now that I've left his house and gone back to mine but I'm actually sitting here getting fucking angrier good grief.

OP posts:
bingoitsadingo · 05/02/2019 16:15

AIBU to start doubting this whole fucking relationship?

No, I would say doubting it is entirely reasonable and probably well advised. He sounds smug and patronising.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/02/2019 16:20

It just means he's relaxed enough, sure that you are his, to drop his guard a little.

He's certainly showing you that he doesn't respect you or consider your opinions to be worth his notice.

Stay home, indulge in a bit of future fantasy... your new single, opinionated life

MrsTerryPratcett · 05/02/2019 16:22

He thinks his opinion is more important than yours. Can you live with that?

NabooThatsWho · 05/02/2019 16:24

He’s showing you who he is, and what he thinks of you. Please listen.

WTBE · 05/02/2019 16:27

YANBU.
I hate when people say "anyone else who thinks otherwise is idiotic" or something along them lines. It's like oh Ok then convo over il piss off then 👍

hipposarerad · 05/02/2019 16:29

There's a berk with a superiority complex in my history who sounds very similar to this guy. Started out with similar comments to what you've described and escalated to little gems such as "if I want an intelligent answer I'm better off asking my dog."

Things didn't improve (they rarely do), in fact it got to the point where one morning, after the usual berating/dressing down for something or other I'd done, I flipped and slammed the front door after him as he was on his way out to work. He immediately let himself back in, strode up to where I was sitting on the sofa and swung a kick at my ribs (was winded until lunchtime) and then calmly went off to work without a word.

Just one story, but I get there's loads of other people with similar stories.

Butterymuffin · 05/02/2019 16:31

It's obvious why. I can't talk to you when you're being stupid."

Disagree with him on something and give this response to see how he takes it. I bet he hates it. Yet it's fine to dish it out to you. I don't like the sound of him.

RatherBeRiding · 05/02/2019 16:31

Thinks a lot of himself and his own opinions, doesn't he? And a hell of a lot LESS of you and your opinions.

You need to ask yourself if you can live with this, because it can only get worse.

MirriVan · 05/02/2019 16:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheViceOfReason · 05/02/2019 16:38

He thinks you are stupid and beneath him.

That is the end of the relationship. Don't kid yourself that he will change.

hipposarerad · 05/02/2019 16:42

MirriVan yes he was a real piece of work. I don't want to scare the OP, but when I read what the man said (and what that says about his attitude to the OP) I instantly though of my long ago ex, there is such a similarity.

And to FourCrumpets, your partner might not turn out to be a horrible abuser, but that's how mine started.

Original poster
FourCrumpets · 05/02/2019 16:51

hipposarerad that's horrifying -- I'm sorry you had to go through that.

OP posts:
hipposarerad · 05/02/2019 16:57

Thanks FourCrumpets. It was pretty bad, but nearly 20 years later I can look at it quite coldly and all the signs were there. I hope what you have is, at worst, a bit of a bell end and not a complete monster.

Good luck and stay alert to being put-down, patronised, dismissed or belittled - especially if it happens in company and people notice, because that's a really bad sign.

Original poster
FourCrumpets · 05/02/2019 17:08

When he first said something like this a part of me hoped that it was a one off said-in-a-burst-of-frustration sort of thing. Thought I had finally met someone wonderful but I guess I was stupid to think that.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 05/02/2019 17:12

I guess I was stupid to think that.

Don't you start and all!!

But yeah, don't allow someone to talk down to you, it'll wear you out

MirriVan · 05/02/2019 17:16

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AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/02/2019 17:19

Calling someone stupid and idiotic is nasty. If he's so clever why can't he win an argument with logic and example's instead of name calling and insults. How is h going to approach it when it's a major disagreement about something importantoke where to live or whether to have any more children? Why is he even with you if he thinks you're stupid? Is it because it's OK for a woman to be stupid if they're attractive or some such rubbish.

I'd be asking him why he thinks it's OK to insult you, how he thinks it makes you feel, and why he can't just stay calm and say 'well I think youre wrong about x because of y reason, or his opinion is different because of z experience. Like a normal respectful person.

Lots of people are rubbish at arguing, they get passionate and can't get their point across without insults. So it depends if you think he is willing to work on it. If not, and if he doesn't care how he is making you feel when he says this stuff, yes I'd be rethinking the relationship

zebakrheum · 05/02/2019 17:27

Now that we're comfortable with each other...

AKA: Now that you've been together long enough for him not to make too much of an effort to be nice to you any more.

MirriVan · 05/02/2019 17:36

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EngagedAgain · 05/02/2019 17:45

Dump him, it'll only get more often, eventually daily. But I don't think you will wait that long.