AIBU to be upset about this friendship issue?

[MrsTWH]

I’ll try to keep this brief...!

There are a group of 6 school mums that have been friendly since Reception (now in Year 5). In the last year, my child and one of the other children have not been getting along at all (in fact I’d go as far as to say the other child has been bullying mine) so we don’t force them together out of school. I don’t let it affect the way I behave with the other parent even though it has caused friction, because I am an adult.

So I tried to organise a night out last week, sent messages to all the mums as we haven’t been out for quite a while. Not one of the 5 mums responded. Fair enough. I was texting the one Mum I’m closest to to express I was disappointed not to even get one “thanks but no thanks” message from anyone in the group. She replied that I shouldn’t take it personally, that everyone is just busy and that they’re all going out next weekend anyway. I asked what she meant and she said the Mum of the child we’ve had issues with organised a night out but that I’m the only one not invited and “it’s not a big deal”.

AIBU to think actually it is personal and pretty crappy? I would never exclude one person from a group event like that. WIBU not to bother with any of them again or is that childish of me? I know I can be pretty over sensitive at times.

I think you should send a message to your former friends, similar to the one a pp posted above.

A while ago I was in a group of women that sounded similar (kids same age, nights out etc) - there were 7 of us - and two of the woman really took against a third. I didn't want to get involved and saw it as a personality clash. We had a WhatsApp group but then one of the two mean ones started a new group and invited everyone except the woman they didn't like. I didn't say anything as it all sort of happened around me and I wasn't quite paying attention and this sort of thing clicked in too when I didn't want to lose the group even though I knew it was wrong what had happened.

Then the woman who had been left out called me and the others out for it and I have never felt so bad. It slapped me out of what I thought at the time was neutrality but was really cowardice and I was so sorry. I'm not friends with any of them now (the excluded women didn't want a bar of me after that and I didn't much want to be in the group with the others) but I think some bad behaviour needs to be called out so people learn.

There is a good chance the other women were like me - cowards - and I think it's worth giving them something to reflect on.

I would have ditched them when they failed to support me when my dh nearly died. I've only got time for good, loyal people.

Fuck em, arranging stuff behind your back!

OP that child has learned it's behaviour from somewhere, time to move on , it's like mean girls!

OP, they sound really tedious, you are much better off without them.

Cannot understand this pack mentality with some Mums. All this having to go around together and be virtually joined at the hip. Be independant and find some new friends away from the schoolyard covens. These are small minded people who will be still whining about some imagined insult to them and theirs when you have moved on and are having real fun.

Draw a line and forget it. Year 7 means a whole new life as no standing at school gates any more

Kid is a bully and mum is a bully

MTSTWH,

Drop them as clearly they have dropped you , I had similar about 6 ago years now , I thought w were all friends oh so I thought I sent the message all ok lets go out and nobody responded despite seeng the message , found out they had gone out as a group and not asked me or another lady in the group, my mate also
one in particular was very short on replies. I knew she was hiding something from me and one other lady In the group, and had one scream fit at me in morrisons , oh you know what you done think about bout it? ,, she was bit unhinged! Come to think about it ,,,she never has the balls to tell me how I'd upset come to think about it I still don't ! Don't waste r time x you've tried before,,, and they weren't there , bar one when u neded them x it speaks volumes when u see and acknowledge them but don't speak cause they know u know that they have done wrong x

YANBU.

These people are not 'neutrals', they simply are not your friends. If they were they would have replied to you. They will tell you they 'don't want to get involved' which is total bullshit. They simply want to be left in the friendship group at the end.

The bully's mum will have made you out to be the bad person. She can't admit her daughter is at fault.

It’s really nasty behaviour and I don’t blame you for being hurt.
I think it hits really hard as a parent when your children are primary school age, because that’s the stage when they are building friendships but at the same time their lives are still very intertwined with ours. And if you’re seeing other mums regularly at the school gate, it just highlights things even more.

I’ve occasionally had to just let friendships (or what I thought were genuine friendships) go, and I can tell you it’s a whole lot easier now I’m in my 50s and my own kids are grown up. As time goes by, you realise much quicker that ‘friends’ who don’t stick by you, who are too weak to stand up against bullies etc are just not worth it. I have a smaller social group now than I did in my 30s and 40s but it’s a genuine one.

I know this is a tough patch to get through and it feels crap but honestly you’re better off without people like this in your life

Ok, I agree this is hurtful and it would be tempting to “call them out” or start ignoring them or something but...

I see school mums in some ways as like my colleagues. You get on well with some, less well with others, but ultimately you’re all doing your job (looking after your children and supporting their education) and sometimes that job will mean working together (when your children have to do a project together, or decide they’re best friends again after all, or you volunteer to help the school and the other mum is there).

So just like with colleagues, I wouldn’t socialise outside work with anybody I didn’t like, but I would keep things calm and friendly.

So maybe reply saying something pretty neutral, accept that they’re not your friends, but carry on being unconcerned and sociable if they chat to you in the playground. I know it’s a bit fake but it’s about maintaining a semblance of friendliness so that you can get on ok when it’s what you need to do for your job.

My dd is in Year 2 and I've already stepped back from the group I initially became friends with at the start of Reception due to cliquey behaviour.

One of the mum's has consistently used me to pick her dc up from school yet is increasingly distant with me (other than when she's wanting favours) the rest of the time. There's a Queen Bee in the group who is very judgemental and outspoken and I'm increasingly uncomfortable in her presence because of the way she speaks about people. Two of the group are lovely but hang on Queen Bee's every word. Queen Bee and the mum wanting favours from me are very close.

There is also an increasing element of bulling going on with favour mum's dd towards my dd and I've noticed that Queen Bee downplays this behaviour and tries to imply that my dd is "a baby" for being upset at the other girl's horrible behaviour. These two mum's are starting to actively leave my dd out from play dates and exclude her in other ways as well. The bullying girl is always on at my dd telling her she's not invited to things it that her and Queen Bee's dd are going somewhere together after school and my dd's not allowed to go with them because that's what's their mum's have said. It's just horrible. My dd is really hurt by it and is having regular nightmares about these girls.

I've encouraged new friendships with my dd and her classmates and pointed out when the other girl's behaviour is unacceptable but my dd seems utterly obsessed with the mean girl and won't break ties. I however have distanced myself from the mothers completely. I acknowledge them if I see them but I don't stand chatting with them anymore and always make my excuses when there is an invite to a night out. I see these two mothers in their children and tbh I no longer want my dd socialising with them unless absolutely necessary. I can't control who she plays with in school but I can limit her (and my) exposure to them out of school.

I feel happier and more at ease at school drop-off/pick-up now that I've drawn a line under this relationship and moved on from it. I'm quite happy not to get involved in anymore friendships with other parents and will just casually chat with random parents who I vaguely know rather than do anything to encourage any further friendships.

Some good advice here - sorry you are being excluded. Never a nice feeling.

Don't lose contact with the group member who supported you through DH's illness though - friends in need are friends indeed and she was loyal when it really counted. Invite her out and build that friendship on a 1-1 basis instead!

I often find with groups of women (and girls) it’s common to push one out, often for no reason.
Usually this is led by someone who thinks they are in ‘control’ of the group.

I would be cordial and move on. There is no way back from it. Will be interesting if any come to you when they are the next one to be sidelined.