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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this friendship issue?

87 replies

MrsTWH · 05/02/2019 12:00

I’ll try to keep this brief...!

There are a group of 6 school mums that have been friendly since Reception (now in Year 5). In the last year, my child and one of the other children have not been getting along at all (in fact I’d go as far as to say the other child has been bullying mine) so we don’t force them together out of school. I don’t let it affect the way I behave with the other parent even though it has caused friction, because I am an adult.

So I tried to organise a night out last week, sent messages to all the mums as we haven’t been out for quite a while. Not one of the 5 mums responded. Fair enough. I was texting the one Mum I’m closest to to express I was disappointed not to even get one “thanks but no thanks” message from anyone in the group. She replied that I shouldn’t take it personally, that everyone is just busy and that they’re all going out next weekend anyway. I asked what she meant and she said the Mum of the child we’ve had issues with organised a night out but that I’m the only one not invited and “it’s not a big deal”.

AIBU to think actually it is personal and pretty crappy? I would never exclude one person from a group event like that. WIBU not to bother with any of them again or is that childish of me? I know I can be pretty over sensitive at times.

OP posts:

Moonsick · 05/02/2019 13:41

From my experience I think a lot of people don't want to rock the boat or disrupt the status quo. They have their cosy little group, they aren't personally affected so they ignore it - whilst being fed arguments about why they are right to ignore the situation /person by the ringleader.

It takes quite a strong character to rock the boat in these sort of situations. They are probably relieved not to be the scapegoat themselves.

They have chosen her and any further investment of emotional energy on your part would be wasted. That's one very bad egg gone from your life and four/five cowards in one fell swoop.

I've been where you are and my life is so much better without all the bullshit, it was like being in a really constricting hug that I wasn't aware of until it was gone.

museumum · 05/02/2019 13:44

I think the other mums are in a difficult position and being lazy by not standing up for you but I can see why they wouldn’t want to get involved.
Your days as “a group” are clearly over but individual friendships may be salvageable. I’d test the waters with some individual chats with the others. Some of them may not even realise you’ve been excluded or assumed it was with your agreement that you wouldn’t want to be around the bully’s mum.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 05/02/2019 13:46

I don’t think the other mums are in a difficult position. They are just being cowards. They know it’s not right but won’t call it out for fear of being targeted and ousted themselves.

GinAndTings · 05/02/2019 13:46

Let them go - get some other friends OP. They don't sound very nice and you wouldn't be able to have a good time with any of them!

mcmooberry · 05/02/2019 13:47

Horrible one and all and no wonder you are upset. However, I would have drawn away from the mother of the bullying child after she screamed at you. I think you are now friends out of habit so if I were you I would look and see if there are other more decent parents in the class.
Someone above suggested a great reply along the lines of being excluded from the night out has been useful as it has shown your true colours and if not too late, I would use it. Good luck and hope you feel better about this very soon xx

Redskyandrainbows67 · 05/02/2019 13:47

I do agree keep up individual friendships if you wanted.

AlsoBling2 · 05/02/2019 13:50

I honestly used to think these situations couldn't possibly happen the way you describe and that people must be getting the wrong end of the stick. But now I realise that I was naive.

After a fall out with a mum at school who is queen bee, I have been shocked not by her behaviour but everyone else. I thought these women were my friends. But because they don't want problems, they are happy to exclude me from all activities. It was jnitially very upsetting but mostly now it just makes me think i dodged a bullet in that the friendships were mostly still nascent and i didn't rely on any of those people. I do feel sad though that these are the kind of people around me.

What's particularly odd is that it's pretty clear most people took my side in the original.argument. But because of her position as the leader, No one will challenge her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2019 13:51

Hmm. It sounds as if they’ve decided to “side” with the woman, who shouts loudest. I expect she gave them a very different version of events and your meeting will have had you screaming at her.

Idk if the one you get on best with is worth approaching again. Something along the lines of “I don’t know why x has decided to exclude me from the group now. It is a shame she cannot put the current problems our girls are having to one side. She is allowing her child to bully mine and now you are all allowing her to bully me. You don’t decide what is and isn’t a big deal. I really expected better. Have a nice time next week.”

blackteasplease · 05/02/2019 13:52

Apple didn't fall far from the tree with her bullying child then!

Original poster

MrsTWH · 05/02/2019 13:52

I haven’t replied to the Mum who told me about the night out. I didn’t want to reply in the heat of the moment and regret it so thought I would let it go for a bit. In fact she’s not the one who was there for me during my husband’s illness. So I guess there’s my answer.

A pp was right, I think they don’t want to rock the boat/disrupt their own friendships as long as they’re not the one being excluded. Our kids will all be at different schools in September so head down and get on with my own life til then.

Realising that just because we all gave birth within a year of each other doesn’t mean we have to be mates

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2019 13:56

Wow the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then. I would ditch the lot of them, spineless twunts. They are not your friends, they just showed that.

RainbowWaffles · 05/02/2019 14:14

Wow, that’s really mean, sorry that happened to you. Depends on your personality type as to whether you try to salvage individual friendships or just distance yourself from all of them. I would be inclined to distance myself and let them come to me if they valued my friendship. It could just be the other woman invited them and they said yes even though she said she didn’t want you to come as she has issues with you. That in itself might be fair enough, but they fact they have all ignored you pretty much lets you know where you stand.

Juells · 05/02/2019 14:19

Is it controlling to be upset with the others for going along with this?

Anyone would feel upset.

Screw them, they're a clique not a group of friends.

Weepingwillow5 · 05/02/2019 14:21

This is hurtful . I understand how you feel . My child was a scapegoat at school and for a couple of years both he and I felt ostracised . Time has moved on though and he has proven over time that he’s a good kid and is now always in demand . The other mums , I’m polite and pleasant , no more .

Throughout that time there were certain people that quietly stood by us , look for and value those people . Yr 5 will become yr6 and then yr 7 in no time . If your child is ok you can brazen this one out , you have proven you are the better person .

OutPinked · 05/02/2019 14:24

Nasty woman. On the upside your DC will be in secondary school soon so you don’t have to deal with them for much longer. Definitely sack them off, they’re not true friends.

BlingLoving · 05/02/2019 14:27

sadly, I don't think these women are necessarily nasty. They're just weak, and easily led. And it's a real pity. So one woman has an issue with you, and suddenly they all have to drop you? You don't need people like this in your life, but I do sympathise with how hurtful it is.

PorkPatrol · 05/02/2019 14:31

I wouldn’t blame whole group personally. The other mums apart from the one you spoke to may well have assumed you were invited to the other thing or that you wouldn’t want to go if the mum you don’t like was organising. I know you have said you are trying to be adult by not excluding her but going on a small group night out with someone who has screamed at you is more than most people would tolerate.
I’d certainly want the other mums to hear my version of events because the bully’s mum could have told them anything to try and get them on side. If they then choose to side with bully mum then at least they’ve got all the information.

BrightYellowHat · 05/02/2019 14:32

I think you should say something - some really good suggestions on here. Or even just a simple - "Do you know why I am being excluded from the group?"

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2019 14:40

I would just move on, they are not your friends. Not one of them answered your message for a night out, and they kept it away from you without challenging her. Not nasty, spineless.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2019 14:57

One of the mum's only told op, when she approached her, to ask her why nobody replied.forget them op, spineless!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 05/02/2019 15:35

The naughty side of me would want to message the group again and say "Was worried no one replied - didn't realise about the night out next weekend. That's great - what time and where are we meeting?" Just to let them squirm!

The rather less daring me would just ignore and move on. I hope you have another set of friends, OP.

candlestickmakers · 05/02/2019 15:39

Ugh. How unpleasant!

OddBodsAndGladRags · 05/02/2019 15:53

That's not nice. I'd be hurt too.
Plan things with other people until the sting fades slightly.

It is their loss. No doubt another one of the group will be ousted eventually.

Keep your smile and avoid the nasty ones in the playground.

Schoeny · 05/02/2019 20:12

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. It's really shitty.

A similar thing happened to me - I had what I thought was a really close friendship with 3 other school mums.

I had a DS, they had DDs, in the same class.
There were no sudden friendship issues between the DCs - my DS had never been particularly friendly with their DDs - but
suddenly in year 5 they just stopped inviting me out. One week I was having coffee with them, the next I started seeing on FB, nights out etc that they were having without me. (This led me to ditch FB, so something good came out of it )

I'd bump into them locally/around school, and they'd always say stuff like "oh, I haven't seen you for ages!" - I was never bold enough to reply "well, that's hardly surprising, seeing as you've dropped me from your little group". I never found out why it happened.

Now both DS are at secondary school, I don't know any parents there and I fully intend to keep it that way.

Fuck them. They're not the good friends you thought they were, but it's not nice to find out that way.

freshfoodpeople · 06/02/2019 03:08

I asked what she meant and she said the Mum of the child we’ve had issues with organised a night out but that I’m the only one not invited and “it’s not a big deal”

Did the other mum tell you you were the only one not invited, or did you work that out for yourself? Either way, she's just as much of a bitch as the bully mum (apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree in that family).

I wouldn't reply to her message, or talk to any of them again.

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