Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this friendship issue?

87 replies

MrsTWH · 05/02/2019 12:00

I’ll try to keep this brief...!

There are a group of 6 school mums that have been friendly since Reception (now in Year 5). In the last year, my child and one of the other children have not been getting along at all (in fact I’d go as far as to say the other child has been bullying mine) so we don’t force them together out of school. I don’t let it affect the way I behave with the other parent even though it has caused friction, because I am an adult.

So I tried to organise a night out last week, sent messages to all the mums as we haven’t been out for quite a while. Not one of the 5 mums responded. Fair enough. I was texting the one Mum I’m closest to to express I was disappointed not to even get one “thanks but no thanks” message from anyone in the group. She replied that I shouldn’t take it personally, that everyone is just busy and that they’re all going out next weekend anyway. I asked what she meant and she said the Mum of the child we’ve had issues with organised a night out but that I’m the only one not invited and “it’s not a big deal”.

AIBU to think actually it is personal and pretty crappy? I would never exclude one person from a group event like that. WIBU not to bother with any of them again or is that childish of me? I know I can be pretty over sensitive at times.

OP posts:

OneTiredMomma · 05/02/2019 13:02

I also wouldn't bother with them anymore. In my experience bitchy schoolgirls turn into bitchy school yard mothers, and they often have kids with the same attitudes. To exclude one person from a get together is immature and downright shit, and the behaviour of the bully is reflected in the behaviour of the parent - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Sorry this happened to you, it's not a nice feeling at all, but they don't sound like the kinds of people you want to associate with. xx

mummarosie1 · 05/02/2019 13:03

That's crap of them OP, I would be cutting ties with them.

Butterpup · 05/02/2019 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinty · 05/02/2019 13:06

They’re not my friends are they?! No.

I had this with my DD she had a friendship group of 4, they had been friends all through primary, they had a fall out in year 6 and one DD was not very nice to my DD. Her mum said it was jealousy on her DD's part and we tried to help them over it.

They were not friends for the whole of year 6. Her mum and I stayed friends and text each other regularly all year. They went to different secondary schools and my DD's previous friend got over her jealousy and they are friends again now.

If the mum had behaved like your DD's friends mum, I don't think they would be friends now.

JemSynergy · 05/02/2019 13:10

I would definitely f**k them off. I am aways find it really odd when grown women act like they are all still at school themselves. Pathetic.

OddestSock · 05/02/2019 13:16

Yep, this has happened to me as well. You have every right to be upset and feel let down.

I'm doing my best to keep as much distance from my situation as possible because the nastiness of it all has had a really detrimental impact on my mental health.

converseandjeans · 05/02/2019 13:18

YANBU the whole thing sounds awful. Try and move on. Maybe you're better off without them .As others have said some women are the same playground bullies they always were & being a Mum on the playground seems to bring it out in them again.

RavenLG · 05/02/2019 13:18

It’s no wonder her child has turned into a bully when she has her mum as a role model.

I’d just remove yourself from the friendship group and go NC with them all. No benefit in discussing given the woman’s reaction the last time, it would probably turn into a slagging match and it sounds like all the other mums are her little worker bees and would defend the “queen” anyway.
You’ll find better friends OP. Don’t waste time on bitches!

Teateaandmoretea · 05/02/2019 13:19

I was texting the one Mum I’m closest to to express I was disappointed not to even get one “thanks but no thanks” message from anyone in the group. She replied that I shouldn’t take it personally, that everyone is just busy and that they’re all going out next weekend anyway. I asked what she meant and she said the Mum of the child we’ve had issues with organised a night out but that I’m the only one not invited and “it’s not a big deal”

I would be tempted to just text back and say 'no it isn't really a big deal, it has shown me who my friends are though which is useful'

Neptunesgiraffe · 05/02/2019 13:19

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Something similar has happened to me. I was friends with a group of school mums and they stopped inviting me to nights out and even booked a holiday that they kept secret. But throughout this, one of them still kept asking me to look after her child when she had to work. I removed my child and myself from the group (I'd sort of been pushed out already, but you know what I mean) and ever since received some pretty awful emails from various mums in the group blaming me but not saying what I'd done to make them behave like this and I really have no idea why this happened. This happened a year ago and I'm still upset about it. But at least my child doesn't feel left out all the time and we have slowly made some more friends.
It's not all bad as I've met some lovely people I wouldn't have otherwise necessarily have met and although our family friendship group is smaller, we are closer to our new friends. But something like this is really hard to get past, so you have my sympathies.

thecatsthecats · 05/02/2019 13:20

I wouldn't actually do this, because I'm a coward pragmatic, and not drama seekeing. But the reply I've written in my head is as follows:

Unfortunately, I find it very hurtful, and in the context of our friendship, yes, a big deal. I am upset by the fact that you have accepted my exclusion from the group, which I considered myself an equal part of. I would never let an issue between our children cause an issue with our friendship.

Then leave it there.

poobumwee · 05/02/2019 13:22

They sound horrible and not like friends at all! Move on. You cannot control what they do but you can control how you react to it!

Teateaandmoretea · 05/02/2019 13:22

FWIW I had a similar situation with a mum at school (although I was ahead as I never actually thought we were friends). She went round slagging me off to anyone who would listen as apparently my dd was bullying her ds (even with a and I'd been into school several times to check on her accusations). In the end she flounced off to a private school when she realised people thought she was a twat and promptly dropped all her school mum 'friends'.

Passing4Human · 05/02/2019 13:23

"Is it controlling to be upset with the others for going along with this?"

I don't think it's controlling at all OP. It's really upsetting what they've done. I'd be hurt too if this was me.

Some folk unfortunately I don't think ever grow out of the "mean girl" phase they go through at school. I've no time any more for nastiness or unkindness. I'm in my mid-40s now and have just a few really good friends and I'm pretty happy with that. For years though I used to put up with exactly this sort of thing, but as OddestSock says above, it' was bad for my mental health and self-esteem. I'd distance myself/disengage from them if I were you. It's really shitty though, but it's them, NOT you.

thecatsthecats · 05/02/2019 13:24

By the way, she's saying it's not a big deal because she wants to have her cake and eat it, friendship wise.

I have been part of a group of neutrals on either side of a rift that tore our friendship group apart. For years one side tried to pressure us to give up on the other side, when the other accepted that they had no say in our other friendships. Threats of withdrawing friendship etc - they thought they were so special!

It has come around that those who were trying to manipulate have since come back cap in hand looking for our friendship again, and have eventually been forced to accept the terms of us neutrals - which is lovely, because these are life long friends we're talking about!

callieisdoingit · 05/02/2019 13:24

They've shown they true colours. Been polite and civil when you see them on the school run but start to distance yourself from them.

Sturmundcalm · 05/02/2019 13:25

if the mum you're closest to was there for you when your husband was ill then i think you should take a different approach with her.

while it's not idea, some people just find it a really difficult position to be in between a fall out and she is entitled to stay friendly with both of you so i would speak to her and say that you understand it's awkward but you wish she'd just told you why your offer of a night out wasn't going to work.

as for the others - just accept that they aren't really your friends. you have my sympathy, they've collectively ended up being really mean to you...

WorryingLadyBits · 05/02/2019 13:25

Now you know where her child gets it from!

Eatmycheese · 05/02/2019 13:27

Buy them all some adult sized school uniforms. Next time you see them congregated in their pathetic little bitch huddle stroll over with a big smile on your face and as “here you go, children. Seeing as you behave like little mean girls, you may as well look the part” while distributing them in a patronising teacher fashion

CantGetDecentNickname · 05/02/2019 13:30

OP, I wish you all the best; you seem a decent level-headed person. When mine were at Primary, we had a training session given for free by the school on bullying and I learned that bullying behaviour is learned behaviour. In other words, every bully has been bullied. However horrid her child seems, he has been subjected to bulling at some point and is just repeating the behaviour. I have seen parents in total denial that their child would ever to anything bad or tell lies when all kids do at some point. Also seen them rush to defend their child's bad behaviour instead of simply telling them off which would be the sensible thing to do. Like a typical bully, she is also a coward in that she couldn't ask you to your face to leave the group, but had to sneak behind your back. It is very spiteful and no wonder you were hurt. You are better than them and they do not deserve your friendship. Please hold your head high and chat to others in the playground showing no signs of upset as that will annoy her the most.

Karigan195 · 05/02/2019 13:30

I wouldn’t give up on the whole group as for busy mums it is a valid point that if they are going out the following weekend they may not want to go out two weekends in a row. Pick a weekend several weeks after. Send a new invite. Exclude the mum that chose not to invite you. See how many respond when they have enough notice and it doesn’t clash /is too close to another event

GenericHamster · 05/02/2019 13:35

Also if there's one you're close to you could try asking them for coffee and try to just develop that friendship.

Or screw them all!

MimiSunshine · 05/02/2019 13:35

Have you replied to the one you are / we’re closer to, who told you about the night out you’re not invited to that’s apparently not a big deal?

If not, don’t let her tell you how to feel. Reply back with something like “I appreciate you telling me about the night out, it is actually quite upsetting for me to know that I’ve been excluded from a night out with people I thought were friends but it’s better to know the reality of the situation than not.”

Then leave it at that, just don’t contact them anymore, be friendly at the school gates but keep your distance.

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2019 13:37

They're all being really nasty and seem to be doing just what their leader tells them to do. You're better off without them, and I agree with pps that it's no wonder her child's a bully because she's a bully herself. I really cannot stand grown adults acting like sheep and being nasty to someone who is meant to be their friend because someone tells them to. I've been in a similar situation before OP and I felt much better when I distanced myself from them. Make friends with people who value you and have their own backbone.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2019 13:40

This is just so awful. I'm really sorry OP - you sound perfectly reasonable and taking it as calmly as you can, though understandably upset.

I can't understand grown women doing this, I can't get my head around the nastiness. Sadly if MrsTWH moves on from this, as I'm sure she will, she will still feel so much hurt that a collective group of friends could behave like this. It's rotten.

Flip

1 2 3 4