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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are nowhere near retirement and exhausted already?

93 replies

evaperonspoodle · 05/02/2019 07:56

We had a winter sun holiday over christmas and I was watching the retired couples who lived there playing tennis and looking really fit and healthily tanned and remarked to DH that that would be us in a few years. He brought me back to earth with a jolt remarked that I will probably not retire for another 30, in which case I'll be 70. I am exhausted as it is, my dc are either secondary school or nearly there and I am so much more tired now then when I had 3 dc under 4. I cannot imagine in 30 years time wanting to do anything other than watch TV under a blanket.

Does anyone else feel like this or AIBU?

OP posts:
MirriVan · 05/02/2019 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/02/2019 15:26

As for elderly DPs - you can get help with them in a way that is hard to get with DC. Really? I wish I could get a "childminder" for my DF Wink I was really pointing out that "mid-life" doesn't necessarily turn into a leisured dream in your 60s. There's a brief bit when your older teenagers get less reliant in young adulthood, but even then, you worry about them possibly even more because you can't keep them away from problems. Then they start breeding and asking for help with grandchildren. Meanwhile elderly parents take up far more time and worry and emotional stress than you can possibly imagine unless you've experienced it.

I'm finding it far more difficult and tiring now than I did when I had young children and a full time job.

swingofthings · 05/02/2019 15:27

If you are not happy- change things
There comes the biggest dilemma. Ultimately, 8 probably could give up work and survive. This would mean DH supporting me, meaning no disposable income for him and that would likely result in resentment (I certsiy wiykd feel the same). Then my children would not have the support I can now give them. My parents live abroad, not sure how I w I yld help them if I didn't have the money to do so.

Then of course there is the future. For all I know, at 50, I could have another 50 years to live. I certainly wouldn't want to spend most of it destitute kicking myself for not having contributed more towards my pension.

Yet everyday is a struggle and it's been so for some time. It's important though to make sure we are not deficient in anything. I've just found out I'm deficient in vit b12 and vit d, so that will have an impact on the constant fatigue.

isseywithcats · 05/02/2019 15:31

im 62 and have to work till im 66 to say the government shafted women born mid 1950s is an understatement especially as my job is a physical one and cant even get a bus pass they have changed that to 65 so got to wait another 2 .5 years for that as well and yes im knackered would quite happily pass my job on to someone younger, and making women work longer is taking jobs off younger people

Singlenotsingle · 05/02/2019 15:50

They say the pension age has been deferred because people are living longer, but they don't take into account that people in their sixties aren't as healthy or as strong as younger people are. I was lucky enough to get my state pension at 61 so I retired then. Six years later I don't think I would be fit enough to work. Running the house, cooking, shopping and looking after pets and grandchildren is quite enough for me.

AnnabelleLecter · 05/02/2019 16:00

After having my own DC and elderly parents needing this and that there's no way I want to help with regular childcare for any grandchildren.
Babysitting/fun stuff fine but nothing more. As it was I practically bought up my younger brother.
I'm looking forward to some selfish me/us time not another decade of caring duties.

FiveRedBricks · 05/02/2019 16:02

@speakout lucky you Hmm

Kemer2018 · 05/02/2019 16:07

I've got 20 years. But my family don't live mega long. We've got obesity, diabetes including limb amputations, cancer and strokes.
My health is currently good, I thank God for this. I cycle to work, stiff knees sometimes. I choose to work p.t because I've seen relatives do the pension thing, retire with plans only to wind up unable to walk after a stroke (my partners Mum).
I don't plan for anything.
I work for the L.A and pay into the pension, but accept that I will get much less than a f.t.w and will have to continue pt for longer.

HRTpatch · 05/02/2019 16:07

I retired at 58. Dh is 60 and still working..probably till 67.
I am fortunate to own my house, have a good pension and am in good health. I am having fun now than in my late 30s and 40s with young children.

LakieLady · 05/02/2019 16:09

I've only got 2 years, 6 months and 5 days (not that I'm counting, you understand) to go before I retire and I really don't think I'll make it.

It's not just the mind-numbing tiredness, but the aches and pains that come with it and the way I've slowed down mentally. Stuff that I could have picked up in no time at 40, or even 50, seems to take me ages to learn now.

I have a very small private pension that I started getting at 60, and used the lump sum part to clear what was left of the mortgage. That enabled me to reduce my hours to 24 pw. I've now got a less demanding role that is only 17 hours pw. I'm bloody skint, but if I'd carried on working full-time I think I'd have dropped dead or gone crazy by now.

I'm bitter about it too, if I'd been born 5 years earlier I could have retired at 60 instead of 66. How people are going to cope when they have to work to 68 & 70 beats me. I think there will be a lot more ill-health retirements.

cptart2 · 05/02/2019 16:15

I got a decent inheritance two years ago and have invested the vast majority of it with the sole aim of retiring at 55. I can get a good slab of my NHS pension at that age without penalty too. I realise I'm lucky in this regard but have seen too many people die prematurely and suddenly to wait until my late 60's s to really start living.

ZanyMobster · 05/02/2019 16:41

I am 39 and more exhausted than I have ever been. DCs are Y8 and Y6, more homework, music practice and loads of running around for sports and clubs. Work is busier than ever and I am averaging 5-6 hours sleep a night. Literally running on empty at all times.

I plan to retire from my main job at 55 then do part time consulting. DH is older than me. We probably can't afford it really but we will just downsize from a 3 bed house to 2 bed flat to be able to afford it. Life is too short!!!

speakout · 05/02/2019 16:48

ZanyMobster

Yes you are exhausted, but that is understandable given the burdens you have right now.
I felt the same with a young family.
But they are not so dependant for ever, and with less burden eventually your energy levels can recover.

You are young- but far from the scrap heap!

I am in my 50s and I feel as energetic as I did in my early 20s. Cant say it was like that when my kids were small though!!

OhCustardPots · 05/02/2019 16:49

Yes. I'm only in my mid twenties and I've had enough already.

Bringbackthestripes · 05/02/2019 16:55

27 years to go with a couple of chronic health conditions including painful arthritis. There are days I just want to lie down and die. I don’t know how I am going to go on most days as it is. The prospect of 27 years makes me want to cry.

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/02/2019 17:04

I'm only 32 and would retire tomorrow if I could!!!
I pay into my teachers pension and have savings which I am continuing to add to. With any luck, I can retire at 55 - that's the aim anyway - to have enough savings to do that. Mortgage is paid already so that's sorted.

Still, 23 years to go Sad

BarbedBloom · 05/02/2019 17:14

I have 30/35 years until retirement and there is no way I am going to be able to work that long. I was diagnosed with a painful chronic condition last year and even only working 25 hours a week now I am really struggling. A lot of people with my condition give up work and it means a shorter life expectancy. My pension isn’t great and we can’t buy a house with me part time. I am very worried about all of this, as is my DH. We are trying to simplify our lives so we will be able to work less, I won’t get any kind of inheritance as both my parents rent.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 05/02/2019 17:18

I am 10 years (5 at a push) from retirement and I have more energy now than I have ever had, so much more than my DC, to be honest, I think they always seem shattered! I don’t drink and I take regular gentle exercise and I have no real stuff to worry about, I can’t wait to retire though and regularly try and talk my DH into selling up and touring the world on our Motorbikes but what would I do with my dog though 😂, so for now, it’s back to work in the morning!!

Octopus37 · 05/02/2019 17:25

Know what you mean, although I wonder if I will ever retire totally knackered. I am 44 with a nearly 9 year old and nearly 12 year old and it really isn't easy at the moment, nearly 12 year old has some problems (mental health). Even though I was knackered 10 years ago (I thought that was the hard bit and it would be so much easier when they got older), silly me, there is a definite difference. I just hope that life gets bit easier when I get to my 50s, the irony is though that its not my work I find difficult, I am self-employed and usually quite motivated, its all the other crap. Dont want to wish my life away though.

everydayfeelslikesummer · 05/02/2019 17:31

I'm a 34 year old single parent who works full time (no diagnosed health issues) and I'm exhausted all the time. Never have any energy for fun stuff. The prospect of working into my 60s, which I will have to do as I don't own a home and will always have to rent, fills me with dread. It always feels as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

granof3 · 05/02/2019 17:41

My DH worked had a very hard job.
Further educated himself to a degree standard relevant to his industry. Worked there for 29years.
Another 8 years in a totally different career.
I worked along raising our children then eventually went back to work full time.
But it was always just a job.
He then suffered a severe illness.
Luckily able to take his pension at 55.
We had a massive re think and have now sold up, downsized and retired.
To do this we had to move abroad.
Yes we have sacrificed a lovely home and close contact with our family but we have a much better outlook on life with a nice if not small comfy home and are able to afford a good standard of living.
We are a 3 hour flight away and to be honest loving every minute.
Our children and grandchildren are able to take cheap holidays and when we see them it’s fantastic.
Our children understand why we have moved and to be honest have encouraged us every step of the way.
A couple of years ago I would not have thought we could have a life like this.
The country we have moved to seem to encourage everyone and our neighbors are from all over Europe including Sweden,Norway,Holland,Germany.
Explore the possibilities.
Obviously sacrifices have the best made but sometimes they really are worthwhile.

Original poster
evaperonspoodle · 05/02/2019 17:49

granof3 where have you moved to? I would love to retire now to somewhere with a more favourable climate, the rain/cold makes me tired Confused

OP posts:
cptart2 · 05/02/2019 17:56

Gran , fantastic attitude. Life's too short.

Dowser · 05/02/2019 18:11

My husband couldn’t get another job in his industry at 58( so where are all these jobs for the over 60s) so he sold his house and moved in with me till his private pension kicked in
Then he got his state pension last year

We have a lovely life I won’t deny it but we both have health problems
When he suffered a stroke 3 years ago there’s no way he’d have been able to continue working

Making us work till we drop is just so wrong and I honestly don’t believe all the lies about not being enough money in the pot
I know lots of people who never lived to collect.

granof3 · 05/02/2019 18:18

Thanks guys. To be honest I have to pinch myself everyday.
But it does not come without payback like I said distance from my grandchildren.
I have moved to a province of Spain which have been extremely welcoming and helpful with the upcoming Brexit issue on the horizon. We have been helped every step of the way to get our Residency etc.
We are trying our best to integrate and learn the language and look on the whole experience as the next chapter.
The gap year we never had that's given us a different life with a quality of living we really appreciate.
I know it's not eveyones ideal but it's working for us.