To leave DP because of his lack of ambition/work ethic

[AnotherDrearyDayInParadise]

I was married for 24 years. He was a very hard worker & we enjoyed lovely benefits. Together we turned our hand to anything that needed doing.
I had first Saturday job at 14 & apart from giving birth I have always worked. A lot of this work was in the business DH & I set up.
In times of financial crisis I’ve done literally any job that paid the bills.
Unfortunately DH & I separated a few years ago.
I have been working for myself since - I barely manage to get by - 8 hrs , 5 days a week.
I met DP about 2 years ago. He is self employed . We lived quite far from each other so there was a lot of ‘just off to work, talk later texts’.
We moved in together pretty quick & I’ve now realised he is lazy & content to just exist.
Over a year he works approx 10-14 full days.
He also works 2 hours 1 night a week.
He earns enough from this for rent for the year & bills etc.
We can’t afford to go on holiday.
He obviously has huge earning potential but he literally gets up at 11 every day & watches tv until he goes to bed.
We recently went abroad to wine & dine with his peers. I really thought hearing all the different/exciting directions they were going in would enthuse him but no - he can’t be ‘bothered to chase the work’ (his words).
The 14 days work is usually in 2-3 day chunks over the second half of the year so he usually has approx 7 months of doing nothing.
The work 2-3 hours a week is a secondary completely different job but pays £xxx an hour but he refuses to do more hours a week.
For me it’s just him sitting around all day every day. I don’t know if I can live with someone anymore that doesn’t want more for himself.
For context this (I now know) is how it’s always been. He hasn’t left a highly pressured job .

You're incompatable, sorry. You can stay and try to work it out, but in essence his natural laziness will drive you nuts. Leave now before you're in too deep.

What does he do I'd like to work those hours

Sounds like a fundamental difference in values. You're incompatible. Your way isn't right or wrong and nor is his, especially as he's managing perfectly well to pay bills and even "wine and dine".

He's clearly intelligent and / or in a specialised field so hats off to him for carving out the lifestyle he wants.

Over a year he works approx 10-14 full days. He also works 2 hours 1 night a week. He earns enough from this for rent for the year & bills etc.

Given the chance i'm sure most of us would work as little as possible, if it still meant we could pay the bills that needed to be paid. I wouldn't spend my free time sitting on the sofa watching TV, but if that's what makes him happy then he's entitled to do so.

Different priorities. Your DP wouldn't bother me because time is more important to me than money however if it bothers you it bothers you.

I must say though if someone's a fundamentally good person who is kind loving and supportive, pays his bills and enjoys his life I feel it's a bit shallow.

It would be unfair if you to expect him to change. this is how he lives his life. I'd hate it too but you can stay or you can leave him imo.

He wouldn't work for me either OP. I would find his approach frustrating and get resentful.

He's isn't wrong , you're probably not compatible though.

I'd spell it out for him first. If he loves you he'll pull his socks up.

Then I wouldn't hesitate to leave.

I had a brief relationship years ago (think summer romance) and the ex over time reduced his work to the bare minimal (self employed trade) covered mortgage etc and then did some online betting to top up his income. I wasn’t particularly ok with the gambling. He was quite happy and content but we didn’t really have the same evening chats as in how was work blah blah. He did show laziness or maybe I then analysed everything else from the reduced work. We didn’t live together as I was in my 20s and him in his 30s. I knew deep down it wasn’t going anywhere as I was ambitious. Anyway he out of the blue decided to sell his house and move to Asia to teach English. Very spontaneous at the time! everything sold. Asked me to come....no thanks. So it all frizzed out and ok I was sad but deep down I’m grateful it ended. There was a Peter Pan syndrome about him. Just my experience. I’d discuss your thoughts though so you get a better understanding of his view

As others have said, you’re incompatible.

Could I point out, though, that your first marriage, to a very hardworking man, still failed, so having a work ethic isn’t everything to you, clearly?

And also, you are working 8 hour days five days a week, and say you’re barely managing — isn’t there a point of view that your DP, in working very little and having enough to pay his bills, is in a better position? Presumably if he needs more money, he can choose to work more?

I have a friend like this, he hates work, so will work the bare minimum needed to get by. If it wasn’t for his wife, i’m Sure he’d be on a beach somewhere exotic living the beach bum lifestyle.

Crucially though, His DW doesn’t mind at all, knew exactly what he was like when she moved in with him, and is happy because it means he’ll potter round the house cleaning and tidying up (they’ve got an AMAZING garden). She loves it as it means she never has to do any housework when she gets home from her (surprisingly driven and high pressure) job.

They don’t want children either so i’m sure not having that worry helps as well.

It sounds like you’re incompatible, OP, and possibly moved in too quickly if you weren’t aware of this aspect of this personality before you did. Can you work out a compromise? Would you be happier if he could pick up some extra hours so you could at least afford to go on some nice holidays together (if you can afford to pay your own half, of course).

What @Parthenope says

TBF I don't buy into the long hours = good character cultural myth. I think it's something that's drummed into us all to keep capitalism ticking along. Those hour sound pretty sweet to me.

But it doesn't sound like you have the same priorities long term.

It does sound like you’re incompatable. I wouldn’t be impressed with the daily lie ins, lounging etc.

But it seems U to want your DP to “provide” for holidays etc when it’s been a relatively short relationship, when you don’t earn v much to pay for these things yourself.

I also want to know what he does where this is a viable option so I can retrain

Seriously OP you are obviously incompatible but he isn't a bad person. He wants to enjoy life and is doing so. Better than people who moan all the time how miserable they are working so hard/having so little money but do nothing to change the situation. He's found his balance. Good for him! Working for work's sake is a mug's game IMO.

What jumps out of this for me is that he's someone who is happy to sit and watch TV all day. He sounds a dreadfully boring person. What's the attraction?

I’ve now realised he is lazy & content to just exist

Being content to exist and not be constantly chasing some abstract next thing to make you happy sounds pretty good to me.

I totally understand, I couldn't be attracted to someone like that and as others say you're probably incompatible, though I'd discuss it first of course. But there's clearly room for you to strive harder if you're only getting by working full time, I'd look at addressing that too if you're frustrated.

C'mon. Tell us what he does. I want those hours. The 'not doing paid work' might not bother me. The sitting around watching TV all day might.

If he loves you he'll pull his socks up.

And this is bollocks incidentally. He could totally love the OP and her drive and ambition; doesn't mean he wants to be like that himself. And changing your fundamental character and making yourself unhappy for someone else is not love.

The issue here is the OP doesn't love him; which is fine. No fault either side, she should just move on. I can't help wondering though if the reason she's miffed is because she sees his full earning capacity (if working flat out) as a potential resource she should be able to draw on.

Are you simply expecting him to fund you though OP? I can see the frustration as it sounds like he could earn an absolute fortune but it's up to him. It would drive me crazy too if it helps but are you sure you are not just cross because he could help you out massively but just chooses not to?

I can't help wondering though if the reason she's miffed is because she sees his full earning capacity (if working flat out) as a potential resource she should be able to draw on.

I'm getting the same feeling, especially given the OP's moan about

We can’t afford to go on holiday.

Which i'm taking to mean we can't go on the holidays I want. As she has also said her partner is able to afford to go abroad to wine and dine with friends / colleagues.

We recently went abroad to wine & dine with his peers.

His life style sounds OK to me. I would get bored but from what you say he is content and satisfied with what he has. He’s a lucky man. You say lazy but an alternative POV would be that he has deep inner resources.

There is nothing wrong with the life style either of you prefer but you clearly aren’t compatible.