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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DP because of his lack of ambition/work ethic

63 replies

AnotherDrearyDayInParadise · 04/02/2019 19:32

I was married for 24 years. He was a very hard worker & we enjoyed lovely benefits. Together we turned our hand to anything that needed doing.
I had first Saturday job at 14 & apart from giving birth I have always worked. A lot of this work was in the business DH & I set up.
In times of financial crisis I’ve done literally any job that paid the bills.
Unfortunately DH & I separated a few years ago.
I have been working for myself since - I barely manage to get by - 8 hrs , 5 days a week.
I met DP about 2 years ago. He is self employed . We lived quite far from each other so there was a lot of ‘just off to work, talk later texts’.
We moved in together pretty quick & I’ve now realised he is lazy & content to just exist.
Over a year he works approx 10-14 full days.
He also works 2 hours 1 night a week.
He earns enough from this for rent for the year & bills etc.
We can’t afford to go on holiday.
He obviously has huge earning potential but he literally gets up at 11 every day & watches tv until he goes to bed.
We recently went abroad to wine & dine with his peers. I really thought hearing all the different/exciting directions they were going in would enthuse him but no - he can’t be ‘bothered to chase the work’ (his words).
The 14 days work is usually in 2-3 day chunks over the second half of the year so he usually has approx 7 months of doing nothing.
The work 2-3 hours a week is a secondary completely different job but pays £xxx an hour but he refuses to do more hours a week.
For me it’s just him sitting around all day every day. I don’t know if I can live with someone anymore that doesn’t want more for himself.
For context this (I now know) is how it’s always been. He hasn’t left a highly pressured job .

OP posts:

Grace212 · 05/02/2019 08:42

I think you're incompatible

I once had a boyfriend who went on about how much more I could do - be a director etc. He never seemed to sleep and ran several businesses. Yes I'd like to have been as rich as him but I didn't have the stamina frankly! I left him partly because I felt so judged. I have A&D and was proud of myself for holding down a full time job without taking time off sick.

anyway, yes, you're not compatible and I think it would be mad to say to him "work more or I'll leave" - just leave. He's not for you. But please tell us more about what he does because I'd love to work those hours!!

Dyrne · 05/02/2019 08:52

Also agree with PP - what on earth does he do, and how do I need to retrain so I can do it?!?

crimsonlake · 05/02/2019 08:53

You do not say how old he is? Is it possible he is nearing retirement and winding down?

FeedMeBooks · 05/02/2019 08:55

You don't feel like a team. Your priority seems to be to do your best. His priority is comfortable.

bingoitsadingo · 05/02/2019 09:02

For me the problem would be that he spends all his spare time watching TV!

Not working much is fine if he is happy with how much money he has. But I couldn't cope with someone who didn't do something more interesting with the rest of their time.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/02/2019 09:07

Neither of you are wrong or bu.

You prefer to work hard and have the lifestyle that goes with this wherever possible.

He prefers to work less and have the lifestyle that’s inline with his earnings.

I think you are just incompatible in that you want different things out of life.

echt · 05/02/2019 09:08

Is he a poorly-paid hit man? I was thinking Villanelle, but then she does some graft. :o

MissKittyBeaudelais · 05/02/2019 09:16

You’re not on the same page, at all. And I’m wondering how he earns a huge amount from working one “night shift” to set him up so well financially for the year??? Is he an assassin? (I watched Jason Bourne last night 😁). I worked 12 hr night shifts....7 on 7 off. I could barely afford my mortgage!

MissKittyBeaudelais · 05/02/2019 09:17

echt! WE are “on the same page”!

Ragwort · 05/02/2019 09:22

As a PP said, it’s not the ‘not working’ that would bother me, if he can afford to live that’s fine, it would be the sleeping in and just lounging around that I would find totally incompatible. If he was out doing volunteering, helping others, involved in the community then I would admire him (because those are the sort of things that motivate me) but sitting around watching tv would be a total turn off.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with his lifestyle, but it wouldn’t suit me and it sounds as though it doesn’t suit you.

Kintan · 05/02/2019 09:24

It does sound like you are completely incompatible. Sometimes opposite personalities work really well together, and compliment each other in a way, but the fact that you are so frustrated shows that this is not the case for you. Personally I think he has the right idea: work to live, rather than live to work!

Loopytiles · 05/02/2019 09:24

How old are you both? Do you each have a pension? If he does not, for example, his financial situation may be Ok for now and for long as he is in good health and able to secure work, but chances are he may struggle in the future.

PinaColada1 · 05/02/2019 09:26

I want his job and his life!

Although I think it’s hard to get out to work all day in a stressful job when someone’s watching tv at home. The contrast is probably too much.

Still want his job though. I’d happily paint or do hobbies in my spare time.

BarbedBloom · 05/02/2019 09:27

Myself and my husband are probably similar to your partner if it helps to see the other side. I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder and had to drastically cut my hours back and in doing so, realised I would rather have time than money. We work enough to pay the bills and to save, but we aren’t bothered by fancy holidays or accumulating more stuff. We live quite a simple life, but are happy. I have no desire to advance at work and neither does my DH and we both accept that of the other.

But at the same time we don’t spend our days sitting in front of the television either and I can see why that would be an issue.

As others say, it sounds like neither of you are really wrong, just not compatible long term. You have to go into a relationship accepting who someone is as you can’t get anyone to change their fundamental personality or outlook on life - his just doesn’t work for you and it is okay to love on knowing that

BarbedBloom · 05/02/2019 09:29

Uh, move on, though I suppose love on is also appropriate

Lindy2 · 05/02/2019 09:42

Your personalities are too different. If he is earning enough to financially support himself then that's fine. However, like you I would want more than that. A lack of ambition and a lazy life style would be something I would find very unattractive.

CaptainJaneway62 · 05/02/2019 10:08

I think he's doing the bare minimum because he's taking advantage of your situation.
He's happy to see you working all the time and unfortunately you have now got him ensconced into to your life.
Him working for a couple of weeks a year shows little work ethic, financial responsibility and not much respect for you as a partner.

I would have a word with group you went on holiday with and see if it's possible to get into his line of work and then go off and make yourself some really good money and leave the lazy git behind!!

SweetheartNeckline · 05/02/2019 10:24

Him working for a couple of weeks a year shows little work ethic, financial responsibility and not much respect for you as a partner.

He earns enough to cover the bills, so hardly irresponsible. They even managed to go on a "wine and dine holiday abroad" with his peers - clearly a bit of spare cadh, and he's interesting enough to have mates that want to holiday with him. I don't think he sounds disrespectful in the least - although OP sounds pretty judgemental of him. I think OP moved in a little quickly (presumably at least in part to "check" if they are compatible and both want to pursue the relationship long term). They are too different for it to work. You live and learn.

thecatsthecats · 05/02/2019 10:32

He's content, you're not. It's easy to see from this thread what most people would prefer their financial situation to be, however...

I can't imagine my husband only working that much and seeing me barely keeping up working 40h weeks, when apparently him working an extra two weeks a year (doubling his work load) could mean we both could enjoy the same. Plus an extra week for more treats, and one for savings.

I'd gladly do the same for him if I were so lucky.

RDR2 · 05/02/2019 11:28

I bet the OP thought the grass was greener when she dumped her hardworking ex of 24 years but has discovered that it isn't.

Loopytiles · 05/02/2019 12:26

We don’t know whether or not the DP here is financially responsible, long term. Paying the bills now is only one part of that.

It’s not about holidays, it’s about being able to afford housing, heating etc when you can no longer get paid work.

PrismGuile · 05/02/2019 14:24

I think I'd be jealous rather than unimpressed 😂 what on earth does he do?!

Grace212 · 05/02/2019 17:53

"I think he's doing the bare minimum because he's taking advantage of your situation."

but he's not spending OP money, she says she's barely getting by. If he does fine on the hours he works, that's fine, it's not like he's spending her money.

Mmmhmmm · 05/02/2019 18:05

You're incompatible, move on.

famousfour · 05/02/2019 18:25

Now that is an impressive work life balance. I couldn’t live my life with someone whose greatest aspiration was to watch tv all day - regardless of the paid work aspect.

Think it’s not going to work for you

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