Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want MIL to shower more often?

57 replies

Onceaweekisnotenough · 04/02/2019 12:05

Name changed, obviously.

MIL has just been to visit for 10 days. This is a fairly normal duration visit, comes maybe 4-6 times a year. Mostly here to help out with kids, but she is welcome, she is a good person, I generally have a positive relationship with her etc.

In most ways, her household standards are way higher than mine. Her house is immaculate, nothing out of place, sparkling clean.But, she does not shower ever while she is here.

I have just gone to strip the bed she used, and it stinks of unwashed body. Windows now opened despite subzero temps, and all bedding on a hot wash, including mattress protector.

She has some mobility issues, so sleeps in a downstairs bedroom which has a small en-suite off it, which isn’t ideal for her, as the shower has a bit of a step up. But she can manage stairs and she goes up/down every day she is here, so I set up the one upstairs for her, as it has no step.

She prefers to sit to shower, so I have a shower seat and a non-slip mat in the shower room. There is a bed within 5 steps of the shower so she can strip and get to it without having to go far. I have offered to put a chair halfway as well, so she could literally step out onto a seat, or use it to lean on. I offered to be upstairs within earshot in case she needed help (I have nursed her through a hip replacement, so I have seen it all before as she had to be helped to wash a lot). She has full mental capacity, this is not a dementia thing. I don’t know what more I can do to make it more accessible.

I asked DH to speak to her, he just shrugs and says she is happy with waiting to get home and that she strip washes her pits and parts ‘most days’.

AIBU to want her to shower at least once in a 10 day visit? I feel like a complete cow, but the last couple of days before she goes home, I hate being in close proximity. I did all her laundry to try to reduce the whiff, but of course if the body underneath isn’t clean...

Is this one of those things I just need to let go and put up with? Or is there some way to politely address the fact that I find this absence of hygiene unpleasant without saying it in so many words? Do I just ask (again!) what would help to make it easier for her?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 04/02/2019 12:10

That is rather grim, but maybe her mobility and confidence in the shower is a lot worse than she makes out. And perhaps she doesn't like to ask for more help because she's embarrassed?

Confusedbeetle · 04/02/2019 12:10

I dont think yo should go there. It sounds as if showering at your is a bit of an effort. No way would a son want to get involved. There is no kind way to raise the issue and she will be upset. Only partners can raise this, or parents of teenagers

krustykittens · 04/02/2019 12:12

Difficult. Could it be a combination of finding it physically hard to do and a mental attitude of not considering it important to wash every day. I understand you find it unpleasant, my own MIL never showered when she visited, but I don't see how you or your DH can bring it up with causing distress to someone you love dearly. COULD you tolerate it?

GunpowderGelatine · 04/02/2019 12:15

YANBU. My mother has just left after being here for 7 days and she didn't bath or shower. No mobility issues, she usually has our big bathroom to herself (we have an en suite) but we have a leaky pipe and neither the bath nor shower can be used, so I said you can use our en suite just let us know when you want to as obviously you have to go through our bedroom and DH does revolting poos in the toilet. She's ever the bloody martyr and said "oh no it's fine I'll just wash in the sink then" Hmm my god the smell of the spare room when she left Envy (not envy). I almost vomited, and she also used the downstairs loo on the last night to have a poo (I thought of MN and how some people would go NC for this alone Grin) and, sorry to be graphic, but the smell was unreal as I could smell unwashed, well, everything. There's really no need is there!

diplodocusinermine · 04/02/2019 12:16

DMum is a bit like this - can’t get in bath and finds shower cubicle claustrophobic. She feels unsteady in shower, so has a strip wash as much as she can. She was always very fastidious, but now finds washing and dressing pretty exhausting. She won’t let me help, although I do wash her hair for her.

I’d probably just let it go - she’s possibly aware that she smells a bit and finds it embarrassing.

Growing old can be shit.

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 12:19

Is this new behaviour for her?

PeapodBurgundy · 04/02/2019 12:28

Do you ever stay with her? I'm just wondering how frequently is typical for her to shower on her own turf to try and gauge if it's a lack or showering at your home, or a lack of showering full stop.

Original poster
Onceaweekisnotenough · 04/02/2019 12:28

Before the hip replacement, she could manage the step into the downstairs shower. Since that has compounded her long term mobility problems, it has been a recurring theme.

She has a standard 0.9m shower cubicle at home, and ours is 1.8m long upstairs, so I don’t think it is claustrophobia.

I know I will end up putting up with it, as I have done every visit for 4 years. It just seems to be particularly potent smelling this time. 🤢

Eventually I will be able to afford to replace the downstairs en-suite and remove the step in. I am not a complete bitch, but needed to offload somewhere and clearly can’t to DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onceaweekisnotenough · 04/02/2019 12:29

She showers every 2-3 days at home. We do stay, but usually only a weekend as she only has a 2 bed bungalow so all 4 of us sleep in one room, which is getting less appropriate now we have a teenager.

OP posts:
PeapodBurgundy · 04/02/2019 12:35

Could just be as PP said, she's finding it too hard to shower at your house (even thought you're doing everything you can to accommodate her). Is there any evidence she may be having falls? My Great Nan was having falls for a while before we knew about them; she was trying to hide them from us in case we put her in a home. I wonder if she's suffering with her mobility, if she's prone to falling or near misses during showers, and doesn't want you to see?

Mabumssare · 04/02/2019 12:43

Is there anyway to get a ramp to go over the step up to the shower ? What about offering to run her a bath one evening and help her in and out ?

marymarkle · 04/02/2019 12:44

Lots of elderly people are terrified of their family "putting them in a home". I suspect too that she has had a few falls using the shower at home and does not want to risk that happening at yours.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/02/2019 12:44

I would be matter of fact about it. (You nursed her through a hip replacement and washed her then!). ‘MIL, I have done everything I could think of to make showering independently here possible for you, but clearly it’s not enough as you’re not doing it. So, please, tell me what else you need or I can come and help you in the shower upstairs, having a wipe around isn’t enough’ .

What childcare is she doing for you? What are your alternatives?
Because if she completely refused to shower I’d be limiting her stays to a couple of days.

Original poster
Onceaweekisnotenough · 04/02/2019 12:46

She is not having falls. She and DH speak almost every day, they are very close, she would tell him. She was caring for her H at home until this time last year when he had to go into permanent residential care. She wears a panic/alert button at home since he had to go into care as she always knew it was a risk once she was on her own as the mobility is a lifelong issue.

🤔 Hmm, that is making me ponder if since he is no longer at home she has completely stopped showering as even when his dementia was quite advanced, he was still able to help her if needs be. I may ask DH about this, as it might explain why the whiff is getting worse!

OP posts:
Toooldtocareanymore · 04/02/2019 12:48

I have a relative who when he worked - office not labouring-showered every day sometime twice, the day he retired, 2 years ago, he pretty well gave up showering he finds it unnecessary and to be fair he's accurate and there has never ever been any smell or hygiene issues with him, I found it odd but he says as a child they didn't have a shower no one did , they had a bath once a week, when married they didn't have a shower until they moved when they had 4 kids so a good few years of a bath only, he says that he has plenty of time to give himself a good wash daily but he does soak his feet in a basin every few weeks as he says without showers they are hardening up, so maybe you should accept that showers are not a necessity if washing properly but that's where your issues with MIL lie, and maybe you could see how to help her with her daily wash, he also says that since retiring he doesn't wear polyester shirts etc for work and lot less sweaty, I think given lack of good washing maybe you should change her bedding after 5 days next visit, if after a few days you are getting a whiff then suggest it may be her clothes and ask can you wash them, ie hint but not in a bad way

StormTreader · 04/02/2019 12:49

"She has a standard 0.9m shower cubicle at home, and ours is 1.8m long upstairs, so I don’t think it is claustrophobia. "

Could it be that your shower is too big? Could she be worried that if she falls, she couldn't catch herself whereas a small shower cubicle means the walls are always close?

My other question is - how warm is your bathroom? I really dislike showering in other peoples houses and part of that is that the bathroom always seems to be much colder than mine at home is. Stepping wet out of a shower into a cold room that isn't even your own space is miserable.

Giraffetower · 04/02/2019 12:49

If she manages to keep her home spotless, is capable of getting upstairs and frequently showers at home, there must be a reason why she doesn't want to shower at yours.

It takes a lot of mobility to keep a home meticulously clean, so maybe that is not the issue.

Is she very fastidious? e.g. Could it be the thought of sitting on a shower chair which might have been used by others?

halfwitpicker · 04/02/2019 12:53

YANBU.

What is it about mothers and not washing while they stay at people's houses?

My mum will take a shower when she stays over (like you she'll stay for 10 nights) but it's as if the showers are somehow are rationed?! One every 3 days or whatever.... This is not me BTW. I reiterate time and time again, please take a shower whenever. The guest room has an ensuite, so it's not like she doesn't have privacy!

Same thing with the washing machine : it's like it's a personal achievement NOT to do any laundry at all whilst she stays with us! Oh this top will do me another day, etc

I think it's post war thinking.

KarmaStar · 04/02/2019 12:54

Hi OP,
Could she be depressed?if her dh went into care she might be feeling very low and is not taking care of herself?have you been to her house lately,if so,is it still as sparkling clean?
It might be worth you or your dh having a chat with her to establish how she is coping.

Mabumssare · 04/02/2019 12:55

Does she smell when she arrives ? Perhaps she is struggling at home as well. She may not realise how bad she smells. I think you or DH should have a gentle conversation with her about it. Just say you were wondering why she no longer uses the shower at your house and you would like to make her comfortable in your home. Ask if she is finding it tricky at home as well or is it just yours (that way she may admit it's gotten harder at home) and say you could look into ways of making things easier.

LovelyLucyLockets · 04/02/2019 12:55

How old is she?

Your account suggests she is someone in her 80s, but in reality she could be my age!

I think I would mention it but along the lines of

'I've noticed you don't use the shower here, compared to how you do at home.
Is there a problem with it? Are you afraid you might fall? Would a non slip mat or a stool help?

even if she doesn't shower she could have an 'all over wash' as my elderly mum likes to call it- arm pits, groin, etc etc. using a flannel or 10, and the wash basin.

Unfortunately, smell deteriorates with age so most old people can't smell their own BO.

Mabumssare · 04/02/2019 12:56

And I realise you have said similar already but maybe just don't take no for an answer this time? But let her know you want to do it for her own comfort.

RomanyRoots · 04/02/2019 12:56

ha ha, I opened this thinking is this one of my dil's. Grin
Then I realised she'd been staying, phew, not me.

I'm not that old so still able to shower, but atm docs orders I can't, or bath.
I'm making sure I have a bloody good wash now, after reading this.
Sometimes a particular illness can make a bit of a pong worse, too.
It might not be getting older or mobility issues, I'm only early fifties and can't wait to get in the shower.

SeaToSki · 04/02/2019 12:57

Can you get her some really good body wipes for when she stays at yours? That way she will be able to freshen up and do it in her own time and own way. They have ones specifically designed for people who cant bathe/shower. Just tell her not to flush them. I would also make sensitive enquiries as to how she is managing at home

NWQM · 04/02/2019 12:57

Please do talk to her. You are family and clearly care. She needs to continue to look after herself and you need to make sure she is. If you have a close relationship it may be better coming from you than her son.