AIBU to want MIL to shower more often?

[Onceaweekisnotenough]

Name changed, obviously.

MIL has just been to visit for 10 days. This is a fairly normal duration visit, comes maybe 4-6 times a year. Mostly here to help out with kids, but she is welcome, she is a good person, I generally have a positive relationship with her etc.

In most ways, her household standards are way higher than mine. Her house is immaculate, nothing out of place, sparkling clean.But, she does not shower ever while she is here.

I have just gone to strip the bed she used, and it stinks of unwashed body. Windows now opened despite subzero temps, and all bedding on a hot wash, including mattress protector.

She has some mobility issues, so sleeps in a downstairs bedroom which has a small en-suite off it, which isn’t ideal for her, as the shower has a bit of a step up. But she can manage stairs and she goes up/down every day she is here, so I set up the one upstairs for her, as it has no step.

She prefers to sit to shower, so I have a shower seat and a non-slip mat in the shower room. There is a bed within 5 steps of the shower so she can strip and get to it without having to go far. I have offered to put a chair halfway as well, so she could literally step out onto a seat, or use it to lean on. I offered to be upstairs within earshot in case she needed help (I have nursed her through a hip replacement, so I have seen it all before as she had to be helped to wash a lot). She has full mental capacity, this is not a dementia thing. I don’t know what more I can do to make it more accessible.

I asked DH to speak to her, he just shrugs and says she is happy with waiting to get home and that she strip washes her pits and parts ‘most days’.

AIBU to want her to shower at least once in a 10 day visit? I feel like a complete cow, but the last couple of days before she goes home, I hate being in close proximity. I did all her laundry to try to reduce the whiff, but of course if the body underneath isn’t clean...

Is this one of those things I just need to let go and put up with? Or is there some way to politely address the fact that I find this absence of hygiene unpleasant without saying it in so many words? Do I just ask (again!) what would help to make it easier for her?

I had a nan like this, used to stink the house out and make our furniture smell. It was hard for my dad as she wasn’t an easy person but he used to say ‘mum you smell, you need to have a wash’. We think she had incontience issues which she refused to admit to and that combined with no washing enough caused it. Why is it so much easier to tell someone their armpits smell?!

I will look into grab rails again. We tried the suction ones before for the downstairs shower to see if it helped with the step in, but the tiles in there are too small for them to work.

I would be surprised if she doesn’t know she is a bit whiffy, she put up no argument about me suggesting I did her laundry for her.

Given that I did her post op care after her hip replacement and she (and her H with dementia) lived here for nearly 4 months, I do find it sad that if there is something she needs to make her stays here easier that she can’t/won’t tell me. During that time, I took her to multiple physio appointments, doctors appts, helped her to keep clean right down to arse wiping, dealt with her H messing the other spare bed and all his multiple medical needs etc. There really shouldn’t be a need for her to be worried about talking to me about anything.

I work from home most days, so I can be around to help her in/out of showers. There is no need for her be scared of falling. I know how to preserve her modesty in the transition phase.

Good grab rails really do make a huge difference. When we moved into this house the previous owners had grab rails due to mobility issues. I didn't realise how great they were until we replaced the bathroom and of course removed them. I really miss them and would happily put them back in again despite being young and mobile. Showers can often be dangerous places and that added bit of security really does help.

She may not notice the smell either. Loss of smell is very common as you get older.
If you’ve done all that for her, then I would perhaps just be open and honest.
Sometimes it’s better just to go for it. Or for your dh to. I have had to do that with the weeing on the floor, grandad just didn’t notice he did it. Everyone tip toed around it for a long time, and in the end I just said, you’re pissing on the floor, did you know? And you need to sit down with a frame when you wee. I said it very matter of fact and then it was over and done with. Not mentioned again.

@onceaweekisnotenough
I'm a bit shocked she is 'just' 70 to be honest. I'm early /mid 60s myself and find it quite unusual behaviour from a woman so relatively 'young'. From your description of her behaviour I assumed she was well into her 80s .

My mum is 92 and has only just resorted to having a walk in shower put in her bathroom, with one grabrail.

Are you sure there is no other reason, such as dementia or fear or falling?

Is her personal care / hygiene a symptom of depression? some older people do give up when they lose their partner and just can't be bothered. I think you need to talk about it or get your DH to talk to her.

Is she very careful about money? A lot of older people worry about the cost of hot water. Years of relying on an immersion heater, perhaps?