AIBU to want MIL to shower more often?

[Onceaweekisnotenough]

Name changed, obviously.

MIL has just been to visit for 10 days. This is a fairly normal duration visit, comes maybe 4-6 times a year. Mostly here to help out with kids, but she is welcome, she is a good person, I generally have a positive relationship with her etc.

In most ways, her household standards are way higher than mine. Her house is immaculate, nothing out of place, sparkling clean.But, she does not shower ever while she is here.

I have just gone to strip the bed she used, and it stinks of unwashed body. Windows now opened despite subzero temps, and all bedding on a hot wash, including mattress protector.

She has some mobility issues, so sleeps in a downstairs bedroom which has a small en-suite off it, which isn’t ideal for her, as the shower has a bit of a step up. But she can manage stairs and she goes up/down every day she is here, so I set up the one upstairs for her, as it has no step.

She prefers to sit to shower, so I have a shower seat and a non-slip mat in the shower room. There is a bed within 5 steps of the shower so she can strip and get to it without having to go far. I have offered to put a chair halfway as well, so she could literally step out onto a seat, or use it to lean on. I offered to be upstairs within earshot in case she needed help (I have nursed her through a hip replacement, so I have seen it all before as she had to be helped to wash a lot). She has full mental capacity, this is not a dementia thing. I don’t know what more I can do to make it more accessible.

I asked DH to speak to her, he just shrugs and says she is happy with waiting to get home and that she strip washes her pits and parts ‘most days’.

AIBU to want her to shower at least once in a 10 day visit? I feel like a complete cow, but the last couple of days before she goes home, I hate being in close proximity. I did all her laundry to try to reduce the whiff, but of course if the body underneath isn’t clean...

Is this one of those things I just need to let go and put up with? Or is there some way to politely address the fact that I find this absence of hygiene unpleasant without saying it in so many words? Do I just ask (again!) what would help to make it easier for her?

Childcare is only school runs when I have to travel for a night or two for work and DH cannot do it as well as his commute. So, not onerous. I no longer ask her to help in holidays because I know she doesn’t have the energy/mobility for active kids.

Is she very fastidious? e.g. Could it be the thought of sitting on a shower chair which might have been used by others?

No one else has ever used it. And if they did, I would wash it for her as I wouldn’t like the idea of someone else’s behind on it either!!

OP this would annoy me too. My MIL stayed for a week once and never showered once. We could all tell, she just looked unwashed. Every morning and some evenings, I'd say ok bathroom's free, lovely fresh towel here, use whatever shampoo etc you like and she'd answer oh just a wash for me.
DH says it was the same when he was growing up, weekly showers only.
She has no mobility issues whatsoever.

So I have no advice I'm afraid OP, just sympathy!

My DUnc has dementia and one of the first noticeable signs (along with short term memory loss) was his lack of personal hygiene. He stopped showering as he was afraid of falling and i think forgot what he was doing in the bathroom. He's now VERY resistant to his carer washing him which makes his bedroom stink no matter how often i change the sheets. His wife also only strip washes and seems impervious to the awful smell on their clothing and house. I've tried leaving extra shower gel and soap stuff and even being very blunt and offering to help them shower (there is a shower chair) but they both refuse and i cant force them into the shower. I replace the airfresheners in the house every fortnight but it makes me want to heave when i visit

I think dh should ask her why she isn’t showering and just say that he (not you and dc) noticed that there was a bit of a smell. If he is that close he should be able to raise it with her and personal hygiene is really important. He can do it on the premise of ‘what can we do to make it easier for you to shower at our house?’.

A fried of mine has a MIL like this but who is also very incontinant - so so grim!! I’m sure your MIL would want to be clean and maybe just needs some help/doesn’t realize she isn’t clean.

An earlier poster suggested body wipes which I think is a great idea. Probably much more effective than the flannel wash she is doing (or not doing).

Could it be that she's nervous or uncertain of the shower controls? I had a very similar issue with my MIL not washing so I put the shower on, to get it to a suitable temperature and also to warm up the ensuite. This seemed to be enough to encourage her to go in - even if it was just to turn the shower off!

I became disabled a few years ago with mobility issues and am a bit unsteady on my feet. I do not shower at PIL's house as it is a huge shower like yours, they replaced a bath with a bath-sized glass cubicle. A normal small cubicle would be better for me (as they have in their ensuite) so I do without (we are only ever there for one night thank goodness).There are no grab rails etc and I find it scary. At home I have a walk-in shower with two grab rails. So it may be getting in and out that's the problem?

strip washes her pits and parts ‘most days’ That sentence really makes me feel queasy.

But seriously, she needs to be taking care of herself. Do you ever visit her at her own home/see her when she's not staying at your house? She could not be showering at all.

I would first visit her at her house and see if she is showering or not day-to-day. And if it is the case that she's not. I would offer some supportive advice. Not looking after yourself can be a slippery slope.

Definitely not depressed. Her life is much easier since not having to care for her H. She has a good social life, goes out twice a week at least.

She is 70, so older, but not elderly. Trying to avoid accusations of ageism! But, her poor mobility is lifelong, due to a childhood health problem. Don’t want to say exactly what, as it is not common and potentially outing for her, which would not be kind.

There are some good ideas on here for what I can do to try and improve things for next time, wet wipes and washing bedding mid stay for starters!

Shower room is lovely and warm, the boiler is in a cupboard in the same room and there is a heated towel rail.

When she broke her hip, I found someone to come in and wash her hair here once a week. I may see if I can find her number and offer that she comes in during her next stay.

Perhaps a strange question but Can she actually operate the shower controls ? Or is she worried about scorching herself .

My own mother strip washes at the sink when she stays with us . It might just be a generational thing .

My elderly parents can no longer use the shower. They are not confident switching it on and off and stepping in and out and they would be the same if they went to someone else’s home. They have always been fastidious about hygiene but everything is harder now.

Your mil is not with you all the time so really, I would just put up with it.
Whatever her reason for not wanting to shower in your house, just leave her be.

GinghanStarfish

I’m really sorry to hear that 💐

If you were staying with me frequently, I’d want to do everything I could to make as many things accessible for you as possible. I’d happily put in grab rains and anything else that would make it easier/possible for you to use the facilities. I’d just need to know what and where you’d like them 🌷

How’s her eyesight as well? I’m not keen on shower that aren’t mine because without my glasses I can’t see a thing and always end up burning or freezing myself. It was lovely staying at a friends recently who had a wet room so I had lots of space to manover and get out the way when of course I hit the wrong control. Maybe gently ask her if there is something wrong with the shower or is there a problem that stops her using it.

My MIL stayed with us for 8 days last month and she has no mobility issues. In fact she's very sprightly for early 80s. I didn't want her to go home but I was relieved because she did smell. It was a cabbage type smell which reminded me of my grandmother in the months before she died, up until then she really looked after herself but she was sick and I and my DM tried our best but she had a nurse to look after her too.
I'm thinking of saying something to my MIL because it made the whole of our living room smell. I offered to wash her clothes and everything so I am wondering if it's a generation thing?

“What childcare is she doing for you? What are your alternatives?
Because if she completely refused to shower I’d be limiting her stays to a couple of days.”

Blimey! Even by Mumsnet standards that’s harsh!

HelpMe That does not sound like not washing smell to me. Maybe medication she is on?

I have a problem with sorting out the shower controls whenever we go away anywhere, they are all so very different.
DH is a builder and has seen lots of bathrooms in his time so generally can fathom out how they work.
It could be as simple as this. Is your shower an overhead one or one that can be hand held if required. A lot of people don't like the overhead ones (generally women according to our plumber)
Perhaps you just need to show her how to run the shower?

It's probably a few different issues here , mobility is one, a different attitude (weekly was the norm and strip wash in between) and perhaps not wanting to strip right off in someone else's house. You do have locks don't you? We didn't and mum was always reluctant and would warn everybody three times over!

Sounds like my mum.
She doesn’t shower very often and she rations showers for my dad.
Apparently they make too much of a mess, with water everywhere and steam on the mirror and windows.
Even when we go away she’ll maybe shower once every 3-4 days.
She also gets annoyed if people spend too long in her shower when she has guests!
In our house we bath/shower daily, even the preschoolers.

What a sad thread. Your MIL is terrified of falling in your shower.

In India, they have wet bathrooms (my grandparents lived there. We visited India quite often as children). The elderly have a plastic stool/chair to sit down. A bucket with warm water and a mug is very convenient for people with mobility issues.

Can you put in some anti slip mats in your shower for your MIL? Lovely MILs are worth their weight in gold. You might want to have a conversation with her to gently ask whats going on. Reassure her that you want to help.

I haven't RFT so apologies if someone else has mentioned them but grabrails - really sturdy ones - are a real help for people with mobility issues. A physio can give advice on where to place them...

Does she have grab rails at home. Shower chairs are actually very hard to use if you don’t have grab rails. You have to push yourself up, you can’t pull yourself. Which is easier.
Showers and bathrooms facilities are so much harder when you’re older and they’re unfamiliar. My grandma couldn’t deal with the stress and anxiety around showering in my home. Her home was set up exactly how she needed.

Perhaps your dh needs to sit down and ask her what would make her life easier.

And in all honesty, it’s a bit of a whiffy bed. It’s not the end of the world if it means she feels more comfortable. Some things in life you just suck it up.

I was just going to suggest grab rails. You already have the stool and may which are great. You can get suction fit grab rails if you have smooth tiles. So no need to drill into the wall. Also....it takes time to shower....can you suggest she goes up after breakfast to do it (when you will be around)....I am thinking of my mum with her mil....she would just say "xxxx, would you like a shower after breakfast, we have nothing else on. I can dry your hair or you can wear the shower cap....." Followed with "shall we go up and put the shower on now...." (My mum is very insistent. Lol. )