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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit lonely now my daughter is in school?

66 replies

Mammyofonlyone · 04/02/2019 11:33

Just that really. She is in year one now and I really, really miss her when she's in school, and look forward massively to the holidays.

I've always been aware that I have missed her since she started in full time school but just this week it has hit me that as well as this, I'm actually really quite lonely.

I have lots of friends locally, walk the dog every day and usually bump into someone I know, I go to two or three exercise classes a week and often run with a friend too. I am also involved with the school (in terms of supporting at events etc) and arrange catch ups for the mothers in my year so I feel like I have a good range of interests but I still feel like I'm rattling around in the house on my own and trying to fill time until school finishes.

I feel a bit of a sad loser admitting this. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it indeed just me? And do you have any suggestions as to what might help?

As a caveat, I know there are much bigger problems in the world than mine, but at the same time I don't like this feeling of loneliness.

OP posts:

Invisimamma · 04/02/2019 11:40

Things that might help? Getting a job?

You can't live your life through your daughter. I'm sorry you miss her when she's at school, you need to fill you time with something constructive.

waterrat · 04/02/2019 11:42

I understand OP - I work from home and sometimes really wish school was not so full on - I'd love to still have fridays off with both my kids - I also get a bit bored sometimes at home.

But the answer is to find fulfilling interesting work or things you enjoy - whenever I get out from home and actually have interesting conversations and meetings the time flies.

IMakeNoPromises · 04/02/2019 11:43

Agree with PP. You can't rely on DD to be the cure to your loneliness. She will get older and develop her own interests and friendship circle. Have you thought about a part-time job?

Parthenope · 04/02/2019 11:45

But the answer is to find fulfilling interesting work

This. Walking the dog and going to exercise classes doesn't sound like much of a life. Your daughter shouldn't have the role of filling your time, and if she's already been at school for more than a year and a half and you're still feeling this way, then a job is the obvious thing, isn't it?

Ghanagirl · 04/02/2019 11:48

Get a job maybe

waterrat · 04/02/2019 11:48

And OP - if you can afford not to work just for the money you are actually in a very good position to spend the time finding something you love doing.

Original poster

Mammyofonlyone · 04/02/2019 11:49

Thanks everyone. Yes, I fully agree I can't live through DD, and I know the bigger she gets, the more I will feel the hole.
I'd love a part time job, but so far have not found one that would fit around school hours, and more specifically school holidays. I'd be happy to use after school club in term time but both my husband and I want one of us to spend the holidays with her, rather than stressing about who can look after her whilst we work. I think a job would be the easiest fix, it's just finding something that would allow me to be there for her in the holidays.

OP posts:

whatacrapusername2306 · 04/02/2019 11:58

Yes, I agree. I feel the same. I don’t live my life through them, as some posts suggest, but being a mum has been the most rewarding job I’ve ever done. I was a bit lost before my DC came along and spending our time together and as a family is only what really makes me happy. I have other interests, but if you miss them, you miss them. Nothing wrong with that.

Geekster1963 · 04/02/2019 12:02

I feel the same, I miss her not loads but I do feel quite lonely some days when she is at school and DH at work. I'm looking for work and I do have days where I do things but some days like today I just feel lonely, my hand eczema is really bad at the moment too so I find it hard to do anything round the house too as I can hardly move my fingers.

Original poster

Mammyofonlyone · 04/02/2019 12:08

Thanks geek and user, it's good to know I'm not the only one. I'm sorry you feel the same way though. I think maybe the warmer weather will help when it's easier to be out and about.
I find it massively frustrating that part time work is so hard to come by.

OP posts:

Geekster1963 · 04/02/2019 12:24

I find the same with work fitting round school hours. I know I'm lucky that I'm in the position that I don't have to work full time. Like you said hopefully with better weather and lighter days ahead it might feel a bit less miserable.

babysharkah · 04/02/2019 12:31

You need to do what's best for you. I'm lucky in that dh is a teacher so he does all holiday care but I couldn't have stayed at home If he wasn't, I would have been bored, and lonely.

P/t is the way forward - what did you do before any chance of getting back in on a p:t basis and holiday care for a couple of days a week?

Panicmode1 · 04/02/2019 12:34

Can you volunteer somewhere local? After I left my career to have children, I didn't want a job whilst mine were little, so I did some online OU courses for free, and lots of volunteering for things I enjoyed (Riding for the Disabled, gave time to the local Hospice, food Bank etc) and it helped fill time, feel I was doing something useful and helped me to meet new people (and update my CV) so now I have a little part time job which is v flexible and within school hours, which is perfect for now until my 4th child leaves primary school when I shall look for something else!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/02/2019 12:36

Walking the dog and going to exercise classes doesn't sound like much of a life - sounds like a brill life to me!!!!

Original poster

Mammyofonlyone · 04/02/2019 12:39

That's a good idea panic. Thanks

I can't go back to where I used to work as we no longer live anywhere near my old employer, plus my job was fairly full on and they definitely wouldn't have given me PT hrs.

OP posts:

anotherdaygoesby · 04/02/2019 12:42

Volunteering would help to fill that void if a jobs not practical. Lots of great charities in desperate need doing all sorts of things.

OutPinked · 04/02/2019 12:44

A couple of Mum’s I know got a job as a lunchtime attendant in their DC’s school so they could see them during school hours and also earned a bit of extra cash, socialised etc. That could be an option? Alternatively would you consider training to be a TA? Also school hours, will have the holidays off and not as much stress as teachers.

I really would give working more thought, totally agree that you can’t live vicariously through your child.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/02/2019 12:46

Walking the dog and going to exercise classes doesn't sound like much of a life - sounds like a brill life to me!!!

Sounds brill to be too! And appreciate it has its downsides, like all lives, but can't help feeling that if you really wanted to be less lonely there is plenty more to do. Or if you really really want to, then homeschool. On a global level, you're unbelievably privileged to have the opportunity to lead the life you do, perhaps you could volunteer to help some of the many who don't have such a choice?

Sorry to be a bit lacking in sympathy but on a Monday having to again go back to work as a reluctant breadwinner, it's hard to see this as a huge issue.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 04/02/2019 12:48

What about volunteering at a charity shop or something and just do a few hours during term time? They will be glad of any time you can give

SubparOwl · 04/02/2019 12:57

I know what you mean. I only have one day off in the week and even though I am rushing around cleaning etc I really miss my youngest now he's in Reception on that day.

Definitely keep looking for term time work. Volunteering is a good option but also looking for friends in the same boat to dogwalk with or go to the gym with.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 04/02/2019 13:00

Hi OP sorry your finding the transition tough, I was like this when DD started school and it is definitely an unfortunate consequence of having all those lovely days together when it's just you and your little mate! What you're feeling is natural and will pass .

It sounds like you're in a position where you may not need to work however I would agree with all other posters that it will save your sanity to have something productive to fill your days, even if just for a couple of days a week. I've done a combination of working some PT casual hours and also volunteering with a local charity. Apart from anything else when I do start job hunting imminently my Cv looks a bit busier and I have some recent, fresh in my mind examples of leadership/teamwork etc to pull out in a competency based interview.

And let's be realistic too - part time jobs that don't pay peanuts but also fit around school hours aren't always easy to come by! A friend of mind is retired but does exam invigilating which at this time of year may start to be available ... you commit to do as much or as little as you can so you can still plan lots of other stuff around it.

ReaganSomerset · 04/02/2019 13:06

I think this is fairly common tbh. I agree with PP that the answer lies in work, either paid or voluntary. If you're good at crafts, could you make things to sell on a site like Etsy? That's very flexible. Or be an Avon lady or similar?

StreetwiseHercules · 04/02/2019 13:13

“Walking the dog and going to exercise classes doesn't sound like much of a life”

Sounds absolutely magic. OP, try to see the positives here. You are so lucky to have a child and to have free time. Most parents would do anything for that.

Learn to enjoy yourself and your own company. You will find that is very rewarding in itself.

OkOkWhatsNext · 04/02/2019 13:34

How about studying something? I have been doing a distance learning course while my youngest is at nursery and found it great to be using my brain again, after giving up work a few tears back. It also gave me something to settle down to in the hours before nursery/school run. It’s helped me get a job now too, although you could just do something for interest rather than work.

bigKiteFlying · 04/02/2019 13:41

I felt like this with pfb and I still had two younger ones at home especially after holidays when it felt like I got her back as it were so she always extremely tired after school day.

I think it’s a natural consequence of having spent so much of the early years together.

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