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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DP over debt.

72 replies

Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 08:22

I have been with my DP for 4 years, we have one DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship.

When I met him he had about 3 grand worth of debt which he was working on paying. Along the course of our relationship we moved in together and had DS etc. We agreed to try to save as much money as we could to pay towards the debt so that once it was gone we could then begin saving money for a house etc.

Since then I have found out DP has 3 other debts totalling to over 20 grand that he hadn't told me about. He has also stopped paying towards his debt, just makes the minimum payments and spends all his extra money on his hobbies/treats for himself. Meanwhile I pay for everything for our DS, and don't treat myself to anything or do anything as a couple so that money can be saved to pay towards the debt.

We had an argument about this as I had enough of paying for everything for my DS while he puts no money towards him, but will happily buy his DC new clothes shoes toys etc. I said it's unfair that I am sacrificing things in order to save the money but he isn't.

His response was that he isn't going to work hard in his job to not be able to treat himself, and that I am being controlling. He doesn't see anything wrong with just paying the minimum payments and carrying the debt round with us for the rest of our lives.

AIBU? I don't mean to be controlling if that's how it's coming across. I am just trying to get us into a good place financially for the future.
I am also of the opinion that if you have debt you shouldn't be constantly treating yourself as paying owed money should be a priority.

OP posts:
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 04/02/2019 08:25

Stop paying off his debts leave him to sort out his own mess.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 08:27

He's a manchild and now you're stuck having a kid with him. This won't improve. Get rid of him before he takes you down with him.

TowelNumber42 · 04/02/2019 08:28

Bloody good job you aren't married.

He has his priorities set. Children he pays for, child you pay for, his hobbies, his treats, your hobbies and treats, his debts.

Stop scrimping to pay his debts. He will have to scrimp on his own treats instead.

Does he contribute properly to the day to day expenses: rent, bills, food, clothing etc?

Houseonahill · 04/02/2019 08:29

He would of thought about treating himself before running up 20k of debts! He's clearly had lots of treats already and is now acting like a child. Stop paying for everything for your child, for example next time he needs new shoes you need to tell your DP "X needs new shoes I bought the last ones would you like to take him to get them or give me the money and I'll take him" if he gets arsey then I would be seriously rethinking the relationship

Onescaredmuma · 04/02/2019 08:29

My DH hid debt too. Although more than twice the total of your DH we're getting over it however he is working overtime to pay it he now has no control over the finances (his suggestion) if he can acknowledge what he has done and help to sort it out it will go a long way to resolving this. Good luck to you both.

Fleabag123 · 04/02/2019 08:30

He needs to get some proper help to manage his debt. People speak highly of stepchange m.stepchange.org/
He’s not seeing the reality if he thinks minimum payments and “treats” are the way to tackle it.

However he can only do this if he wants to and is motivated. I agree you need to stop paying for him, look after yourself and your son and don’t get dragged down by him and his mess. Good luck, what a mess but people can and do get out of it x

VictoriaBun · 04/02/2019 08:30

Stating the obvious, but if he is only paying the minimum then that debt will stay with him /your family forever. You will never get a mortgage .
I would find his disregard to sorting this out and basically showing that he has the maturity to want to be debt free a bit of a deal breaker for the relationship. I would give him the ultimatum to man up or move out.

Original poster
Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 08:32

He does pay towards the bills. He pays rent, council tax and food bills and I pay everything else as he works full time and I work part time.
If we didn't have payments to make towards debt we would be so much better off and able to save towards other things which is why I am motivated to clear it off. But he doesn't see it as a priority and will happily accept paying minimum payments and taking it round with him forever.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 04/02/2019 08:34

Any debt he has will be taken into account in terms of mortgage affordability. He needs to stop burying his head in the sand and look for a way forward. He may be behaving the way he is because he's got himself in a mess and can't see a way out.
I would ask that he sits down with you one evening to both put a plan together for sorting out the debt. Rather than asking him 'what are you going to do about this mess' try to look at some solutions before you talk. That way it's less likely to turn into a big row! Moneysavingexpert website gives great advice in dealing with debt.
At the end of the day, you have to decide if you have a future with this man, is he willing to change, or is it too late.

LovingLola · 04/02/2019 08:35

Make sure you don’t have any more children with him unless and until he deals with his debts.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/02/2019 08:35

I think you need to make sure you have separate finances and make sure you are disassociated from him on all your credit reports. Everyone needs a small amount of money for fun but it doesn't come before essential outgoings.

Original poster
Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 08:37

I have tried with him on so many occasions to sit down and talk it through like adults and come up with a plan on a way we can tackle it together. Even though it's not my debt I have offered for us to sort it together which is why we started the cutting out any excesses in our lives to be able to pay towards it.
But over time it's become that I am the one cutting out excesses and he is spending his spare money on things for himself or for his DC.
I am getting to a point where I am considering offering an ultimatum.

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 04/02/2019 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 08:43

I am getting to a point where I am considering offering an ultimatum.

That's a waste of time like all these chats. He doesn't give a shit about anything but himself and what he wants. He's a financial millstone. If you want to fart into the wind then by all means continue with the bailing him out and ultimatums. If you want a stable financial present and future for your child then completely separate your finances and go 50/50 and stop funding him because doing otherwise is going to sink you financially.

TowelNumber42 · 04/02/2019 08:44

Do not take on his debt! You already have in many ways but I'm referring specifically to NOT taking out debt in your name because your credit score is better and you can get cheaper rates.

TowelNumber42 · 04/02/2019 08:44

Have been to see a financial advisor together, under the pretext of preparations for mortgage and pensions?

7yo7yo · 04/02/2019 08:48

Why would you take on his debt?
Why would you go without?
Just leave him to it.
Also, how can you be in a long term relationship with this loser?

Juells · 04/02/2019 08:51

Don't ever marry him! If you do his debt will become even more yours than it is at the moment.

He obviously doesn't include you and your child among the 'nice things' he wants. In fact, you and your child are an obstacle to having nice things, since you're so 'controlling'.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 04/02/2019 08:52

This isn't just about the debt. This is about trust and respect. You had an agreement about something important. He broke that agreement without even discussing it with you first. He watched as you sacrificed to honor that agreement and still said nothing.

Planning to clear the debt is a reasonable adult response. Him trying to convince you that his actions are normal and that you are controlling is very worrying.

I know you have a kid together but I would start getting my ducks in a row to walk away.

I'd be far more than just annoyed if I was you. So YANBU.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/02/2019 08:52

His debt-he sorts it. Why are you and your DC going without when he clearly does not care?

WH1SPERS · 04/02/2019 08:53

You have two choices.

Accept that this is how your life will always be. You will have more kids and get poorer and never buy a house. You will scrimp and save and he will treat himself. Any love you have for him will be replaced by anger and frustration as you try to fix him and his entitled attitude.

Or you leave now and make a better life for yourself.

Of course there’s a slight possibility that he will get his shit together, pay off his debt , work hard and become financially responsible. Then, a year or so down the line, you can reconcile if you want.

But I bet you a mars bar that before then he will find the next poor sucker.

BTW have you ever SEEN the treats that he supposedly buys his kids ? Does he pay full child support to his ex for them, or are the “ treats “ instead of child support ?

ShatnersWig · 04/02/2019 08:54

He saw you coming, didn't he? Pity you didn't realise what he was really like much sooner.

Juells · 04/02/2019 08:54

I wonder if the mother of his other two children also gave him an ultimatum? Leading to him choosing the nice things.

Spidersbaby · 04/02/2019 08:55

It's not just the debt, it's the deception that would get me. How can you possibly trust this man? He lied to you about the amount of debt and he lied to you about the fact that he wasn't addressing it.

I would be interested in finding out why his previous relationship broke up, as I'm sure this contributed to it. You have two children, not one OP and I can't see it improving.

Spidersbaby · 04/02/2019 08:56

Cross post with Juells!