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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DP over debt.

72 replies

Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 08:22

I have been with my DP for 4 years, we have one DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship.

When I met him he had about 3 grand worth of debt which he was working on paying. Along the course of our relationship we moved in together and had DS etc. We agreed to try to save as much money as we could to pay towards the debt so that once it was gone we could then begin saving money for a house etc.

Since then I have found out DP has 3 other debts totalling to over 20 grand that he hadn't told me about. He has also stopped paying towards his debt, just makes the minimum payments and spends all his extra money on his hobbies/treats for himself. Meanwhile I pay for everything for our DS, and don't treat myself to anything or do anything as a couple so that money can be saved to pay towards the debt.

We had an argument about this as I had enough of paying for everything for my DS while he puts no money towards him, but will happily buy his DC new clothes shoes toys etc. I said it's unfair that I am sacrificing things in order to save the money but he isn't.

His response was that he isn't going to work hard in his job to not be able to treat himself, and that I am being controlling. He doesn't see anything wrong with just paying the minimum payments and carrying the debt round with us for the rest of our lives.

AIBU? I don't mean to be controlling if that's how it's coming across. I am just trying to get us into a good place financially for the future.
I am also of the opinion that if you have debt you shouldn't be constantly treating yourself as paying owed money should be a priority.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 10:45

Okay, I do understand that he is paying for DS to have a roof over his head.
He also pays maintenance towards his DC so that they can have either things/or for it to go towards a roof over their heads too.
Then he pays for his DC to have toys, outings, meals out etc when they stay.
But he doesn't for DS as he says he doesn't have the money.
Forgive me for feeling that is slightly unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 10:47

If the debt was cleared he'd have that extra money that he spends on payments to then have enough money to include DS in the outings/meals out with DC. This is my point. This is why I am annoyed over the lack of progress with the debt. Having it does affect our lives and clearly we would be better off without it which is why I am pushing for him to get rid of it.

OP posts:

timetoriseandshine · 04/02/2019 11:10

@Ooplesandbananas please sit him down and speak to him about getting in touch with a charity called 'stepchange'
They are fantastic and will arrange a monthly amount you as a family are able to pay comfortably leaving you with what you need to live and will spread those monthly payments amongst all the debtors, not taking a penny for themselves as they are a charity. This way you will know when exactly he will be debt free and can start planning your future
Good luck

timetoriseandshine · 04/02/2019 11:12

@Fleabag123 I have had dealing with 'stepchange' myself and can say they truly are a godsend

Hollowvictory · 04/02/2019 11:14

Don't pay his debts that's crazy. You need to leave unless you want a lifetime of secret debts, scrimping and scraping. Def don't marry him or have kids. He doesn't make you happy, he's a walking disaster area. You shouldn't have moved in with him big mistake. Kick him out you will be much better off.

Jackshouse · 04/02/2019 11:16

Would be a deal breaker of me.

TowelNumber42 · 04/02/2019 11:43

At an absolute minimum you should change things so you both have equal spends left at the end of the month.

Mandatory spending would include his child maintenance and minimum debt payments. So that would mean more of the bills should be paid by him seeing as you currently get left with zero spends and him with fat spends.

Two can play at I can't afford it. Tell him you can't afford x,y,z bills any more and he has to start paying them .

HisBetterHalf · 04/02/2019 11:51

Not much of a partnership really if one is treating himself to goodies instead of paying off the debt he accrued. I wouldn't be able to sleep with 20k debt hanging over my head. He sounds very selfish

domton · 04/02/2019 12:04

It would have been enough for me to leave him when he lied about it to begin with, that demonstrates his attitude to it. He's been happy for you to scrimp and save while he 'treats' himself.

It wouldn't work at all for me, but appreciate that would be a bit drastic for some.

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/02/2019 12:18

Been there op
He’s not going to change Do not pay his debts for him- he’s got to learn by himself

You need to think about your child and you. Those are the priorities

WaxMyBalls · 04/02/2019 12:21

Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me.

But he has told you who he is, so believe him. He doesn't want to tighten his belt to pay the debts off, doesn't think he should have to and thinks his entitlement to nice things is more important than security for the future. Ok. Those choices are his right. So the question is whether you can put up with or not. He is evidently not going to change.

Original poster

Ooplesandbananas · 04/02/2019 12:23

It's a hard one. I'm so fed up with it and want to be able to plan a future but I can't do that while he's got the debt. And I can't stand his attitude towards it. It frustrates me and worries me as it seems like he doesn't care enough about our future to do anything about it.
But at the same time he has a lot of good qualities and I do love him. We have a family together so it makes it harder to leave. But I guess I want more but he's happy where he is.

OP posts:

SushiMonster · 04/02/2019 12:27

He’s a loser and he’ll drag you down with him

FogDog · 04/02/2019 12:31

You aren’t being controlling at all - Just responsible. In a way, YOU are paying off his debt because you’re the one scrimping and saving due to a tight budget, while he’s acting like he has no debt. He’s being remarkably selfish - you have every right to be hacked off.

WaxMyBalls · 04/02/2019 12:31

You just have fundamentally different approaches. Neither of you can make the other one see the world like you do so the question is whether you're willing to put up with the downsides. I wouldn't, but if you would then you also need to start thinking about how to protect yourself financially from him. No joint credit cards etc.

MichelleM30 · 04/02/2019 12:43

You are absolutely correct. If he pays the minimum balance does he now that it won't even cover the interest added on that month. Essentially every month the debt will get bigger. You need to make him see sense on this. You shouldn't be going without while he does what he wants.

He needs to take responsibility and work as team to clear the debt. I'd be worried he cld do this again though so I wld very much want to be in charge of the purse strings! Good luck!

cakecakecheese · 04/02/2019 12:48

A good partner wouldn't have lied about a major thing like this and he wouldn't be chucking the word 'controlling' about either when you're just trying to sort something out for your future. I assume he's got very little planned for retirement? State pension alone won't get him very far.

Also what if something were to happen where he couldn't work any more or he got laid off at work etc? I know no one likes to think about that sort of stuff but living in the here and now can be quite dangerous...

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 13:01

The initial lying and this would worry me most: carrying the debt round with us for the rest of our lives. Is he really saying that he wants to avoid paying it back at all, ever?

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 13:10

You know something, OP, you really don't have to live with him. For me, his attitude together with his lies and his debts would make me recoil from him. I wouldn't want to live with him, wouldn't want to think of marrying him in the future, wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

But it's your choice. If you live with him, expect more of the same, and for it to have a bigger impact, so you'll never buy a house, never having savings, always be worried about debt collectors. If you don't live with him, you could have a lovely stress-free life.

TheViceOfReason · 04/02/2019 13:20

He's a liar who is quite happy for you to pay for his living costs and child so he can buy his luxuries.

Lovely. What a prince among men.

He won't change. Stop wasting your time and money and tell him to fuck off.

Spanglyprincess1 · 04/02/2019 13:31

My dp had debts , he worked very hard at paying them off. He didn't understand that the min payment actually increased the debt. I sat down and explained and asked him to proratise it as he'd have a lot of free moment each month once it was cleared.
He cleared it in 18 months, he's a few hundred back in due to us having a baby but it's fully in control now.
I think he needs to talk to someone and fully understand what his debt means.
I agree with others though the lying is a deal-breaker.

PBo83 · 04/02/2019 13:56

OP, do you know the source of the debts?

The only reason I mention this is because I am a recovering gambling addict and hiding debts is one of our specialities.

I'm not saying he is but keeping debts a secret could be a red flag. Certainly if it is gambling (or any form of addiction) then helping him to pay them back is definitely not recommended.

Just to clarify, my debts totalled around £40k (now about half that), I've paid them all myself whilst maintaining payment of the rent, bills etc. I wouldn't want anyone's help (especially not my wife who works hard for her money) in paying them off and I certainly wouldn't want her or my step-daughter to suffer or 'go without' because of my past mistakes. My wife knows about my past and offers emotional (but NEVER financial) support in my recovery.

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