To be annoyed with DP over debt.

[Ooplesandbananas]

I have been with my DP for 4 years, we have one DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship.

When I met him he had about 3 grand worth of debt which he was working on paying. Along the course of our relationship we moved in together and had DS etc. We agreed to try to save as much money as we could to pay towards the debt so that once it was gone we could then begin saving money for a house etc.

Since then I have found out DP has 3 other debts totalling to over 20 grand that he hadn't told me about. He has also stopped paying towards his debt, just makes the minimum payments and spends all his extra money on his hobbies/treats for himself. Meanwhile I pay for everything for our DS, and don't treat myself to anything or do anything as a couple so that money can be saved to pay towards the debt.

We had an argument about this as I had enough of paying for everything for my DS while he puts no money towards him, but will happily buy his DC new clothes shoes toys etc. I said it's unfair that I am sacrificing things in order to save the money but he isn't.

His response was that he isn't going to work hard in his job to not be able to treat himself, and that I am being controlling. He doesn't see anything wrong with just paying the minimum payments and carrying the debt round with us for the rest of our lives.

AIBU? I don't mean to be controlling if that's how it's coming across. I am just trying to get us into a good place financially for the future.
I am also of the opinion that if you have debt you shouldn't be constantly treating yourself as paying owed money should be a priority.

He’ll carry on until the situation crunches and he becomes insolvent probably.

All you can do is sort your own finances our, and not pay for anything for him. Why did his first marriage break down?

I would find the ‘I work hard, I deserve treats’ argument maddening. Do you not work hard, working part time, caring for a child and running a house?!

Society’s partly to blame, as men seem to feel like a failure if they don’t have the trappings of wealth, instead of feeling like an abject failure for putting their own selfish wants before his children, partner and financial solvency

FFS if he pays off his debt then there will be more money for treats! The interest on this stuff is such a waste of money.

The fact that he didn't disclose the true amount of his debt to you is as concerning as his attitude towards it.

Do you have any joint current accounts? If you do, his credit history will come up whenever you apply for anything.

Why is he not spending his excess money in ALL his dcs???
Why is it ok for him to pay for new clothes etcfor his from a previous relationhsip but for the one he has with you?
I’d have a MASSIVE issue with that.

I would start by working a budget with him. Exactly how much you need for live, incl money to dress and feed the dcs you have together, treats for ALL of his dcs etc....
Then decide how much is going to go into a common pot (get a new joint account for that of need be) in proportion to your income.
This should Leave you with SOME money left.
Put that money aside as savings and don’t use it to pay HIS debts! Build a next for yourself instead.

He has just told you that him getting his treats is more important than anything else. He has made it clear that his priorities are different than yours.
Whether this is manageable long term, I dint know. But I would be very careful that he isn’t dragging you down the debts rabbit hole if you dint want to.

YANBU

Agree with PP - no point in ultimatum. He will agree and six months later you will discover another £5k of debt.

I would LTB but if you can't face that, you need to separate your finances.

His saying he works so wants to treat himself is rubbish. He has already treated himself to the tune of £20k. Rather than working and treating himself once he had the money, he borrowed the money and has to pay it back.

Just tell him to remember all the treats he bought for the £20k because those are the only treats he is getting for a while.

The relationship began on the basis of a huge lie
You will have a life of being poor and going without
Your child will have to go without
He won’t engage with you as an adult about the financial situation

It would be game over for me.

You have acquired a sexually transmitted debt or STD.
You either need to be on the same page and pay down debt or separate.
We do combined income, 60 % to living, bills, mortgage/rent, food etc.
Next 20% to splurge, this is for dinners out, haircuts, hobbies etc. can spend $200 without discussion . Over that amount needs discussion

Next 20 % to paying down debt. Once debt paid off this becomes savings for holidays, new car, new kitchen etc.
We also have slowly put aside 3 months wages for unexpected expenses or redundancy.
Mine also baulked at not being able to spend exactly as he liked, but 2 years down the track we are debt free, mortgage free and saving for an overseas holiday.
Good luck

A friends husband was just like this. She paid off his first debt then he just got more, paying only the minimum. Telling loads of lies. He didn't change and they divorced. He had even more debt she later found out. Never pays anything to the children. Lies and more lies. If he won't see a professional about his problems I'd get out but I know it's not that simple.

If he is paying all the rent, all the bills and for all the food then he is paying towards your DC. He is paying all the bills and groceries. That's not nothing. I'm not saying he shouldn't be paying off some of his debt but he doesn't sound to me like he is free loading off you. He sounds like he is paying for all the big stuff.

I couldn't live with someone who lies about money.
My DH had to make the difficult decision to go bankrupt when his business failed - it was awful, but he was always completely honest about it and so I supported him with the decision.
Fortunately although married we had, and continue to have separate finances so the bankruptcy has not impacted me directly.

Sometimes debt happens, I don't judge that, but it is how people deal with it that matters. if I had found out about debt my DH had that he hadn't disclosed it would be the end of our marriage. Instead because he hid nothing and it was not his fault we got through it.

I'd be very, very afraid that he will take you down with him OP - those minimum payments are terrifying and you would be well advised to have nothing at all to do with it - keep everything separate. I'd also work full time and save on your own for you own house - being dependent on someone so irresponsible is a really bad idea - and don't marry him!

Well, you know now.

You can now make an informed decision about your future. Not his, yours.

If you can put up with it, stay.

I fnot then make arrangements to leave.

But don't bother with ultimatums, he won't hear you and will blame you for being nasty to him, money grabbing etc etc.

I couldn't put up with it and would rather scrimp and save on my own behalf than live with someone who is so profligate and uncaring.

My sister was married in the US. She's very good at managing money, and was saving for their son's college fund. One day her DH told her that he wasn't going to be able to hide it any more, he'd been rolling over credit cards and now owed $60,000 - coincidentally the exact amount that was in the college fund. They agreed that they'd leave the college fund intact, but all her salary would go on paying down the debt.

It took several years, but the debt was finally cleared. Roll on another few years, and he told her he owed the same amount again! She told me that she'd never believed people tore their hair out, but she was reeling around the room, bouncing off the walls, crying and tearing her hair out. She left and came back to Ireland. Because of all the implications for herself, she went back to try to sort out the debts, and managed to get $30,000 of it written off in some kind of deal. He went to stay with his mother, and eventually she went back long enough to sell off the house they owned in NY, and bought a house here. He followed her here, and at least he couldn't get credit cards as he had in the States - there they just arrive unasked for in the post. All seemed well, and he never ran up debts again, as he'd had a heart attack 'from the stress' and they were living on his US disability pension. But a few years later they got hit with a huge tax bill - the $30,000 they'd had written off became 'unearned money' and they had to pay tax on it, no wriggling out of it.

People who run up debts will do so as long as they possibly can, no matter what it costs their nearest and dearest.

Separate your finances and stop paying his debt.
You will only find out what he is really like if you stop financially mothering him. Then sit back and watch his behaviour and decide if your relationship is tenable.
Count your lucky stars you aren’t married.

Honestly? I find this kind of financial infidelity worse than sexual unfaithfulness. He has totally undermined your trust. I’ll never regret leaving and building a secure life for me and my DC. I wonder if his first wife would say the same?

Ps this is not a judgment on you in any way OP, I really feel for the situation you’re in.

You are thinking of the debt as a thing which happened in the past, and which will be gone once you pay it off. He is demonstrating clearly to you that the debt and his spending are a thing of the present, which will never go away. You are uncomfortable about owing money. He is happy to spend more and more of other people's money until he "gets out of" giving it back by dying. You do not have the same values.

OP, his debt is none of your concern, even if he is only paying the minimum payment needed. Millions of people in this country are in debt and manage to get on. I agree with your DP, you sound controlling.

It's not fucking controlling to not want to shackle yourself to someone who will destroy your chance of ever getting a mortgage and who is pissing all your disposable income up the wall.

Of course it's her concern! If you live with someone their debt can affect your credit rating as it goes against the address. Why should she be negatively affected because her partner refuses to sort himself out?

My ex husband was in debt but he let me help him, it was basic things like stopping spending money in coffee shops, taking lunch into work, consolidating his debts into one monthly payment to make it more manageable, selling all the 100s of dvds he never watched etc. I don't care if that made me 'controlling' as he was debt free after a couple of years which meant we could get married, go on nice holidays etc. Much better than just 'managing' with all that debt hanging over us.

If you live with someone their debt can affect your credit rating as it goes against the address. That hasn't been the case for a few years now. It is by name, even if you share an address. So OP needn't worry about that, just linked credit, in both names. THAT will have knock n effects.

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/experts/article-4533338/Is-credit-score-affected-address.html

He doesn't pay ALL of the bills, he pays the rent and the council tax and the weekly shop but I probably pay for the shop once a month as well. I pay the rest of the bills, electric, water, petrol, internet, phones etc. We've done it that way as he earns more a month so takes the larger bills to pay. But at the end of the month all my wage packet has gone on paying out for everything where as he still has some left over which was meant to go towards clearing the debt but he has now started spending it on himself. So I don't see this as him paying towards our DS as he never buys him anything but will buy his other DC things.

I feel his debt IS my concern because in order for our relationship to progress towards things like getting a house, getting married, saving for holidays or even just for him to have the extra money to buy his DS something for his birthday rather than leaving me to do it, he needs to be debt free.

I don't think I'm being controlling as once the debt is gone he can start to treat himself and that's fine by me.
But as PP have said if this is his way of thinking about spending money he may well fall back into debt again.

Our finances are separate as I chose to keep it separate from the start due to the debt. I said I will help him to clear it but won't be paying it outright for him.

This post has helped me see I've got a lot of thinking to do about my future.

Hi op.

To flip things a little, I'm the one in debt (6k), my partner isn't. It has always been my job to clear my debts myself, I'm surprised your partner allowed you to help him pay them off!

I am solely responsible for my own mess , as is your dp. I'd seriously think about your future...

£20k is a heavy load to carry around with you for the next 10-15 years. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness because of someone else's selfish mistakes. I would have to insist he paid that off as soon as he could. Stepchange would probably put him on a debt management plan with an agreed monthly payment. The interest will most likely be frozen and more importantly he will not be able to accrue further debt. With the interest frozen he should seen that as a golden opportunity to work his socks off to pay extra payments. Anything less than this would be a deal breaker for me. Being honest, I'm in a very similar position to you and my husband is working all the overtime he can to pay off his mess. I just want the debt gone and the opportunity to build as I'm sure you do too. He has to be onboard and doing it for the right reasons though.

You aren't being controlling. Nice job on his part to try to get you to think that when he has told a huge lie, though.

Do you want to be with someone who can mislead you so hugely? Would you have had a child with him knowing he was lying? Starting off with a big secret doesn't exactly give a relationship good foundations.

Like you I'd want to be working towards a future of having a house and some security (which means debts being paid off). I couldn't live with something so big hanging over me - especially when you're now making sacrifices and he isn't. How is that fair?

He is paying towards your child though. He is paying the bulk of the household bills. Would it be easier for you if you split the bills and the expenditure on DCs clothing and the like so you can see a direct contribution as you seem to be unable to understand that him paying the bills allows you to buy things for DC. He obviously isn't going to be paying the bills for a house he isn't living in though so he buys his other children things directly.